Q: I always like guys that are “out of my league” (or that don’t like me back) and I always get hit on by guys who are not “my type”. Am I being too picky? Should I settle for one of them?
A: “Should I settle?”
Out of the hundreds of questions that were submitted for the Dating Q&A series, this one REALLY stuck out to me. It stuck out to me because it’s a question I get in many different forms, from different people, from all across the world. And it’s a question that confirms the confusion that’s out there regarding who you should or shouldn’t date, and what is and isn’t important in a relationship.
Let me clarify, before I get into this, that this question is NOT referring to someone who has been in a long term relationship. We’re NOT talking about engagement here, or even marriage. We’re talking about something that happens long before that.
We’re talking about a date.
We’re talking about going out with someone who is not typically your “type”.
We’re talking about “settling” for someone who isn’t necessarily your norm.
We’re talking about taking a chance on someone a little outside of your expectations.
I recently wrote an article for the men out there entitled, Men, STOP Looking for a Super Model Wife, that made waves across the internet and got a whole lot of reaction. But you know what? I believe that the same principles from that article need to be preached to all the women out there as well.
I’m just going to go ahead and say it: Ladies, many of you have gotten completely confused as to what really matters in a relationship.
There is a generation of women who are creating their “husband must-have list” with qualities ranging from “godly”, to “musical” to “missions-minded” all the way to “6 foot 4”, “muscular”, “dark hair” and “blue eyes”. And oh yah, he has to be able to cook like a gourmet chef, plan extravagant romantic dates, open all my doors for me, and make a six-figure income.
We’ve confused our MAJORS with our MINORS, and exchanged our PREFERENCES for NEEDS.
And when every single thing on your list is a “must have”, than you’re likely going to be single for a very, very long time.
I seriously believe that the entertainment industry, namely chick-flicks, have had a serious impact on what we think is “settling” in a relationship. Hollywood has convinced us to believe in a kind of man that doesn’t actually exist.
Not because there aren’t GOOD men, even GREAT men out there – but because there is no such thing as a perfect man. Except Jesus, and I’m pretty sure he’s not up for grabs.
To be honest, to answer this question fairly, I think we really need to take the time to redefine our definition of “settling”. The question above really needs to be dissected and discussed because it reflects a pervasive view that is plaguing our generation. The question in and of itself reflects that guys who are typically this woman’s “type” are guys who typically “don’t like her back”.
Can we just pause for a moment here?!
If “settling” means going after a guy who likes you back, then my answer to that question is: YES! PLEASE SETTLE!!!
If “settling” means going on a date with a guy that you would typically see as a good and loyal friend, then YES! PLEASE SETTLE!!!
If “settling” means choosing to get to know a man who displays qualities of godliness, integrity, and character, but doesn’t necessarily have a body like Channin Tatum, then YES! PLEASE SETTLE!!!
If “settling” means getting to know a kind, true Jesus-loving man rather than the typical jerks you find yourself dating, then YES!! PLEASE SETTLE!!
If “settling” means saying yes to a man who treats you with love, honor, respect, and kindness but isn’t your typical height/weight/color/ethnicity requirements, then YES! PLEASE SETTLE!!
If “settling” means adjusting your preferences to hold on to the things that REALLY MATTER in a relationship, then YES! PLEASE SETTLE!!!
We’re not talking about settling on important qualities. We’re not talking about settling on respect, on love, on grace, on godliness, on loyalty, on honesty, and on forgiveness. You should never settle for someone that doesn’t treat you well, or give you the honor and respect you SO DESERVE.
That’s not what we’re talking about at all.
But what we are talking about is letting go of your typically “type” and your superficial preferences, to open your heart to the many good men out there that may not typically be “your type”.
In fact, ladies, I personally “settled” for a man who was way outside of my typical “preferences” – and in the end, gained the husband and man I so desperately needed (read more about that in this article!)
So my advice to you is to let go of your preconceived ideas of “your type” and be on the lookout for the qualities of a real man. They come in all different shapes, colors and sizes. Because ladies, those are the kind of men whose love will last a lifetime. And there is no greater gift than that.
So yes, ladies, please….go ahead and “settle” for those kind of good men. Nice guys are out there, and they typically “finish last”. Let’s work on changing that.
Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, speaker, and author of True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life, 21 Days to Jump Start Your Love Life, and 21 Days to Pray For Your Love Life – where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. You may also recognize her voice from her 150+ articles at Relevant Magazine or Crosswalk.com! She’s also the creator of this True Love Dates Blog! Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter!
I’m kicking off my Dating Q&A 10-part series at TrueLoveDates.com, based on the popular portion of my speaking engagements, the “LIVE Q&A Sessions”. You ask me questions, and I answer them! If you’d like to host a LIVE SINGLES EVENT at your church, feel free to contact me regarding booking a TRUE LOVE DATES event for 2017 by clicking here or the photo below!
Want more on this topic? Dig in to Chapter 5-6 of True Love Dates to find out the difference between MAJORS and MINORS; NEEDS and PREFERENCES….and to learn how to make your own “Red-Green-Yellow” list to find out what really matters to you!