By Bri Franklin, M.A., LMHC
As adults, some think it’s important to leave the past in the past but, consider the fact that just because we grow up to be adults does not mean that we have left the residual pain from our past behind. While some might hear the term “inner child” and think it’s unfounded psychological jargon, it is undoubtedly one of the most important concepts in understanding our present selves. The inner child refers to what occurs when the unmet or unresolved physical, social, psychological, or social needs we had as children are passed over into our adult selves, which can manifest in varying psychological deficits.
The original wounds that are experienced in childhood can vary in their presentation but, the wounds that are transmitted to one’s adult self can result in fears of abandonment, fears of rejection, excess need for validation, unhealthy numbing of one’s feelings, emotional dismissiveness, and more. There are ways to tend to the needs of the inner child, which is wrapped in self-compassion, understanding, engaging in corrective emotional experiences with healthy relationships, and ultimately, allowing God to reveal the parts in you that need to be re-parented.
An unfortunate common experience for children is being dismissed by their parent when they are trying to connect with them; as an example, a five-year old, who approaches one of their parents to show them a drawing they just made and is met with cold dismissiveness. Even if the parent was in the middle of a project for work, their reaction is what the child interprets as being their own fault. Children will not attribute blame to their parent; rather, they will assume that they did something wrong, or more poignantly, that something is wrong with them. The long-term impacts of a pattern of this type of behavior, can include self-blame, the tendency to attract partners who need to be “fixed”, and low self-esteem.
It can be hard to believe seemingly innocuous interactions with our caregivers can have such long-standing impacts. There is data on how our developing brains in childhood need experiences in order to grow but, if those experiences are made up of forms of pain and suffering, then the brain is forming neural pathways that support those narratives. The formative years of your development are not formed in adulthood but in childhood, specifically from birth to eight years old.
Some people might have difficulty even acknowledging their inner child because they were robbed of having a childhood. If you ever found yourself or others commenting on how “mature” you were for your age or how your parents “never had to worry about you”, then this could be indicators that you were parentified in your childhood. Parentification refers to the process in which a child takes the role of an adult in the household, taking on emotional, physical, financial, or relational roles that their parent should be taking instead. Tending to your inner child can feel unnecessary or immature if you grew up in this way because you were forced to be your parent’s parent.
By resetting your inner child, you look for opportunities to respond to your younger self’s emotional needs in a healthier way. This can entail finding opportunities for play such as recreation and enjoyment, even as an adult, especially for those that were parentified, is so redemptive. Another opportunity to resetting your inner child is found in speaking gently to yourself, seeking out mutually beneficial and safe relationships, and exploring how you define your self-worth. There is also spiritual value in assessing how you view your Heavenly Father, checking to see how you might have projected your relationship with your earthly parents onto Him. In Matthew 18:2-4, Jesus, when speaking to a crowd, including children, said “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of Heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of Heaven.” Resetting your inner child is not just for your past self but for your present and future self; investing in your healing is painful but, living unhealed is even more costly.
This article just barely scratches the surface in understanding and resetting your inner child. If you’d like to dive in and learn more about the nuanced but necessary topic, please join the upcoming Reset Your Inner Child seminar!
Upcoming:
BRI FRANKLIN is proud to be able to integrate a faith perspective with research-based mental health practices. She offers a tailor-made approach to each of her clients. She graduated from a nationally-ranked, top ten graduate counseling program focusing on Marriage, Couple, and Family Therapy with a certification in Mental Health Counseling. She is Level 1 Gottman Method Couples Therapy trained. Bri has led counseling groups on topics of grief, anxiety, trauma, creative arts, and healthy relationships at a college counseling center. She is an Associate Certified Coach, certified by the International Coaching Federation and works as an Adult ADHD Executive Functioning Coach in addition to her role as a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. She has taken seminary courses on biblical and theological foundations.
