Are you wondering if you found the one? It can be hard to know if you're in the right relationship, but finding a good spouse isn't luck. Here's how to know you found the one.

You Don’t Find “The One”, You Choose “The One”

In Dating, Relationships, Single by Debra Fileta

Have you ever wondered how to know you found the one?

There are so many Christian singles out there who believe that they just need to wait around until God reveals to them the lucky “one” they are going to marry.

As though the right relationship is just going to fall from the sky.

As though God is going to knock on the door one day, and all of a sudden, there will be the one they are supposed to marry.

As though somehow, they will “just know” when they come face-to-face with the right person. 

And sadly, Christian culture perpetuates this lie. 

But no matter how many Hollywood films you’ve watched or how many romantic stories you’ve heard, I’m here to tell you this: you can’t just “know” from the outside looking in whether or not someone will be a good match for you. It’s not about a feeling, and it’s definitely not just about getting lucky. 

Relationships don’t work like that. And generally speaking, neither does life.

I was at the grocery store this summer and found myself standing in front of a bin of beautiful, green watermelons. My family loves watermelon, and especially one of my sons who could eat watermelon for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

So I decided to pick one out to take home.

Now, if you knew anything about my family, you would know that purchasing a watermelon is a process. First, you have to find the right one, typically because of its bright green color. After you’ve found the right one, you test it out to make SURE it’s the right one by drumming on the outside of it and listening for the sound it makes. I don’t know if it’s just my family or if this is a universal thing (I’d like to think everyone does this….otherwise, my family is just strange), but based on the thumping sound the watermelon makes, you know whether or not it’s a good one.

The only problem with this theory is that I actually don’t have any idea what sound it’s supposed to make. So I end up grabbing a watermelon, drumming on it one or two times, and putting it in my cart. When I take it home and cut into it, it’s always a mystery. Even with the special drumming I did at the grocery store; I still have no idea whether or not it’s going to be a good one until I bite into it. And frankly, it’s a hit-or-miss process. As illogical as this all may sound, I do it every time I go to the store.

But you know what? When it comes to relationships, SO many people are JUST as illogical.

They look for “signs and wonders”, “feelings and emotions”, “chemistry and connection” in a relationship that will ultimately tell them whether or not this person is going to “be the one”.

But at the end of the day, they ultimately have no idea what they’re getting in a relationship until the relationships progresses further – or even until marriage. 

You can choose a bad watermelon with little to no consequences, but choosing the wrong marriage is absolutely devastating.

Finding The Right One

Despite the lies we’re being fed from our culture on a regular basis, the most important thing you need to grasp about all of this is that good relationships aren’t just “found”. They are CHOSEN. They are made. 

They are built through a series of choices, a consistency of exchanges, over a proper length of time, with important conversations, healthy communication, and one positive decision at a time.

They are not something you find; they are something you CREATE, with someone who is just as willing to create a healthy relationship as you are.

There are so many people who rush into relationships without ever assessing the risk. Without knowing enough about the person they are dating. Without giving it enough time. Without having some really important conversations.

They meet. They like. And then they rush…..without ever knowing how healthy their partner is.

And so many times, going blindly into relationships, they up with a broken heart and shattered dreams.

God gives us the responsibility to use wisdom, discernment, and discretion in choosing who we are going to marry. We’re responsible for this most important life-decision, and we’re the ones who have to deal with the ultimate consequences. 

How To Know You Found The One

If you’re wondering how to know you found the one in choosing someone to marry, it’s up to each and every one of us to take our time, to assess the risk, to uncover the baggage, to invest in counseling, to prepare, and train, and learn everything we can possibly know. It’s up to us to choose well. Because once you choose “the one”, they become “the one” – til death do us part. 

*This post was adapted from my e-course: Breaking Free From the Lies of Singleness. Sign up today to uncover the subtle lies you might be believing that are impacting your relationship status!!

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Singles Night Out Online with Debra Fileta - Sex and the Single Life
Singles Night Out Online with Debra Fileta – Sex and the Single Life

Singles Night Out: Sex and the Single Life
A night of fun, fellowship, giveaways, and encouragement for ALL singles featuring a Q&A with Debra Fileta.  This is a co-ed event for all singles and anyone around the world!

Have you ever wanted to hear an answer to your question about sex from a licensed professional Christian counselor? Singles Night Out: Sex and the Single Life is for you!

Date: Friday, August 26, 2022
Time: 8:30pm – 10:30pm EST
Where: Online Event on Zoom (you will be sent a link after completing checkout)
Ticket Price: Early Bird: $15 (until August 1), Regular Price: $20

Debra is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in dating, marriage, and relationship issues, along with a spectrum of mental health disorders and issues. She’s the author of True Love DatesChoosing MarriageLove in Every SeasonAre You Really Ok?, and Married Sex. She’s also the host of the Love + Relationships Podcast, a hotline-style show where people call in to get their relationship questions answered!

Her popular relationship advice blog reaches millions of people each year with the message of healthy relationships! Connect with her on Instagram,  Facebook or Twitter!

Debra Fileta Counselors Network
If you are looking to take steps toward healing, consider finding a counselor to walk you through this journey. Go to the Debra Fileta Counselors Network to find a licensed professional counselor with whom you can book an online 50-minute session as an individual or a couple.