Communication in marriage: how much do married couples talk?

10 Signs You Need Marriage Counseling (And They’re Probably Not As Severe As You Think)

In Marriage by Debra Fileta

I’m well aware that counseling — specifically marriage counseling — often gets seen as a last resort. We think about marriage counseling when there are major issues like abuse, addictions, abandonment, or infidelity.

But what if I told you we needed to start considering counseling 10 steps before those things ever happen?

If my counselor’s heart could have one wish, I’d wish that people would see counseling as a regular part of their health and well-being long before problems came into view. That they would understand that in order to maintain your emotional and psychological health, you’ve got to invest in it.

Unfortunately, my wish is not a reality quite yet.

Last week on a discussion thread on my Facebook Page, it hurt my heart to read story after story of the stigma that can often exist around the topic of counseling – particularly within the walls of the Church. I’m hopeful though, that step by step, we’re moving in the right direction.

But until we get there, allow me to make it blatantly clear that there are times when counseling shouldn’t be OPTIONAL, but rather, CRUCIAL. 

Let’s start with the topic of marriage, as we talk through 10 signs you need to get yourself into marriage counseling:

  1. You find yourself caught in a repetitive pattern of arguing that ends with high emotional reactions but no resolution in the end. 
  2. You find that the majority of your time together is filled with tension and irritation rather than enjoyment.
  3. Somewhere in the relationship one or both parties don’t feel like they can fully trust the other (whether or not there has been a breach of trust).
  4. There’s a pattern of blatant deceit, hiding things or omitting the truth, and a lack of openness and honesty.
  5. You’ve experienced a trauma, grief, or life-changing event that has left one or both of you feeling stuck (death of a child, major injury, etc).
  6. You feel like you have “drifted apart” from one another and are struggling to feel an emotional or physical connection.
  7. You find yourself going to someone outside your spouse to get your emotional needs met — for support, to relax, to vent, or simply to have a good time.
  8. You feel apathetic toward your spouse, and find that you hardly interact or communicate throughout the week.
  9. There’s been a lack of physical and sexual intimacy in your marriage for a significant amount of time that’s caused you concern.
  10. You find yourself inappropriately attracted to other people (emotionally, physically, or sexually) on a regular basis — or you’re worried that your spouse is.

While all these things are sure signs that you and your spouse need to take some time for marriage counseling, not having any of these issues doesn’t mean you don’t need counseling.  

There’s no better way to take care of your marriage than using “preventative maintenance” by preventing major problems before they come up. If we only took our cars to the mechanic when there was a major issue, we would probably cut the lifespan of our car in half! Now, imagine what we’re doing to our marriages.

Counseling is not just for couples who are struggling, it’s also for couples who want to make or keep their marriage strong. So no matter where you are on the spectrum of a thriving marriage, I highly recommend taking at least 6-8 weeks to focus on marriage counseling with a licensed professional. Your marriage will thank you for it. 

Whether you’re single, dating, or married: find out what really makes a marriage work in my book Choosing Marriage: Why It HAS To Start With We > Me

Healthy People = Healthy Relationships.

Are you looking for a licensed professional counselor who integrates faith and psychology?

I am so excited to announce the upcoming July 1st launch of the Debra Fileta Counselors Network. I am pouring into a group of licensed counselors, training them, investing in them, and passing along my experience! The network launches tomorrow! Our counselors have open appointment times in July for you to conveniently book your 50-minute online session! To be notified first of the network launch details (that’s tomorrow – July 1st ) add your name to the waitlist!

Debra is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in dating, marriage, and relationship issues, along with a spectrum of mental health disorders and issues. She’s the author of True Love DatesChoosing MarriageLove in Every SeasonAre You Really Ok?, and Married Sex. She’s also the host of the Love + Relationships Podcast, a hotline-style show where people call in to get their relationship questions answered!

Her popular relationship advice blog reaches millions of people each year with the message of healthy relationships! Connect with her on Instagram,  Facebook or Twitter!