You’ve heard the phrase “Honor Your Father and Mother”, but how do you do that when the relationship is difficult, strained, or maybe even unhealthy?
It’s easy to unintentionally minimize the role that our parents/caregivers could have had in our upbringing by misinterpreting the commandment to, “Honor your mother and father so that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord Your God is giving you”– to mean that we’re not supposed to bring up our struggles, hurts, and pain from the past (Exodus 20:12).
But it is possible to show respect and to honor our parents, without denying the reality of our own life story. Jesus showed love to people often while also confronting, critiquing, and correcting them. We can love imperfect people (as we all are) while considering our own experiences. This allows us to be honest with God about our thoughts and feelings through prayer about the nature of our relationship with others. Why would we pray for reconciliation of a relationship if we are in denial about the need for it in the first place? Feeling emotionally detached from our parents can impact how we relate to ourselves, others, and even God. Not only that, but “we look back, not to shame those who have gone before us – but to bring healing and change the patterns for those who will come after us” (RESET). Being honest with our experience is the first step toward breaking toxic cycles, and healing from the inside out.
In our work with people who are processing the pain of their past, there are a few common phrases that tend to come up that have to be confronted so that we can move forward into healing:
- “My parents did the best they could.”
This phrase has become an automatic reply for many people, without considering what it means. The truth is, It’s unlikely that any of us do the best we can 100% of the time in all areas of our life. It doesn’t mean that not doing the best we can makes us horrible people. It makes us human. Sometimes, we try as hard knowing what we know at the time, and sometimes we make mistakes, and other times we make conscious choices not to make the healthier choice.
Consider this: what makes you extend this grace-filled perspective to your parents but not to other people in your life (spouse, boss, etc.)? It might be because you’re walking on eggshells when it comes to your parents but, feel free to express your feelings towards other people in your life. Do you feel guilty when attempting to speak about your parents? Ask yourself why that is.
Acknowledging that your parents often tried hard but also caused you pain, allows you to see them as real humans, rather than being put on a pedestal. An alternative response that can be both honest and honoring could sound like: “I believe my parents often tried as hard as they could but, there were times that their best still caused me pain, and my love for them doesn’t change because I acknowledge that”. Developing an honest view of your childhood and your parents allows for real emotional change and even, opportunities for growth in your relationship with your parents.
- “I don’t want to be ungrateful.”
Being appreciative for the sacrifices your parents made for you can be a powerful emotional experience. Granted, it is widely understood that parents should make healthysacrifices and prioritize their children’s needs and this should not be weaponized against one’s children. Don’t forget the verse,”Fathers, do not aggravate your children, or they will become discouraged” (Colossians 3:21).
Often, I’ve seen parents use the fact that they have provided for their children, as a way of dismissing their children’s emotional concerns. As an example, just because you had all of your physical needs met does not mean that your emotional needs were met. If you cried to your parents and were sometimes met with “Stop crying! Do you know how many kids have it worse than you? Be grateful you have a roof over your head”, you didn’t learn resilience; instead, you probably learned emotional repression and had to bury your feelings,
I understand that many parents had their own unhealed wounds from their upbringing that has contributed to their own pain and oftentimes, people can find compassion for their parents. However, when people parent from a place of unhealed pain, then the generational cycle will only continue. You do not have to choose either compassion or accountability for your parents; there is room for both. (As a disclaimer, I understand that not all adult children seek to have reconciliation with their parents as a goal, due to various safety concerns and boundaries. Some people choose to seek forgiveness with reconciliation, and others do not).
- “My parents made mistakes in the past but are different now.”
Witnessing your parents change their unhealthy behavior and seeing improvement in your relationship with them, can be so powerful! I sometimes hear clients downplay their difficult childhoods because their parents have changed intheir adult years. I often celebrate with clients and acknowledge their parents’ growth! With that being said, the inner child that we all have, which is that younger version of ourselves, can still be impacted by earlier wounds as the brain often does not forget painful memories. We even see the impacts from our childhood well into our adult life in areas such as how we handle conflict, love, communication, and the list goes on.
If you haven’t already noticed a theme in this article, the importance of holding two opposing ideas is a game-changer! On the one hand, you can honor your parents and on the other hand, you can acknowledge that your needs weren’t always met, and you might have experienced wounding because of them. In the same way that coming to Jesus doesn’t erase us from the physical, emotional, financial, social, or psychological consequences from our past, improving ourselves in adulthood does not give us a pass to ignore the hurts we have caused ourselves or others. The hope is that the process of sanctification does not have an expiration date and it is available to parents and their adult children.
The impact of not addressing the wounds your parents contributed, only makes you vulnerable to dismissing your own feelings and even repeating some of those patterns. The point in being honest with yourself about your childhood is not to intentionally disrupt a relationship but to begin to change the patterns. Remember Jesus’ words in the Beatitudes, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God (Matthew 5:9).” Jesus said blessed are the peacemakers, not the peacekeepers. One takes active initiative to resolve conflict while the other buries their thoughts and feelings to keep the illusion of peace.
Remember that healing is not one-size fits all. Your healing may or may not involve your parents directly because of a number of reasons but, your healing journey is not reliant on another person’s involvement. Don’t neglect the power of a healthy community and counselor to support you in this process. The greatest gift we can give ourselves, our children, and our inner child, is found in our personal journey of healing.
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BRI FRANKLIN is proud to be able to integrate a faith perspective with research-based mental health practices. She offers a tailor-made approach to each of her clients. She graduated from a nationally-ranked, top ten graduate counseling program focusing on Marriage, Couple, and Family Therapy with a certification in Mental Health Counseling. She is Level 1 Gottman Method Couples Therapy trained. Bri has led counseling groups on topics of grief, anxiety, trauma, creative arts, and healthy relationships at a college counseling center. She is an Associate Certified Coach, certified by the International Coaching Federation and works as an Adult ADHD Executive Functioning Coach in addition to her role as a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. She has taken seminary courses on biblical and theological foundations.
