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Is It True You Just Know When You Meet The Person You’re Supposed To Marry

In Dating, Marriage by Debra Fileta

You just know when you meet the person you’re meant to marry! If it’s meant to be, you just feel that connection instantly. There’s no other way to describe it than this, you just know.


Maybe I’m the only one that’s up in arms about this statement. Maybe I’m the only one who sees the harm in all-to-innocent and all-too-simple remarks like this one. But according to the conversation on my Facebook Page about lies we perpetuate about relationships, I’m not the only one who feels this way.

In referring to meeting your future spouse this phrase of “you just know” has always bothered me.

Some might critique that it bothers me because it wasn’t my story. I didn’t “just know” when I met my husband that he would be the one I would one day marry. Certainly there was interest. Intrigue. Even attraction when we first met.

But I didn’t just know. How could I know?! I just met the guy!!

The reason this rhetoric of “you just know” bothers me so much, is because I think it causes a lot of confusion among singles and sets up unrealistic expectations for what a “right” relationship is supposed to “feel like”. It puts an unhealthy weight on what we feel, rather than balance what we feel with what we observe and experience in a relationship. You can’t “just know” when you haven’t yet “seen” what the relationship is all about. 

I’m not doubting that there are some people out there who felt like “they just knew” upon meeting their spouse.

Maybe something inside of them changed. Maybe they felt a prompting from the Holy Spirit. Maybe they had too many tacos the night before. I can’t speak for what they felt, but I can’t deny that they had an experience in which they felt like they “just knew”.

But here’s the thing – that’s not EVERYONE’S STORY! In fact, it’s not even the majority of romantic stories. In a survey I took of married couples, the MAJORITY of them reported that they DIDN’T “just know” when they met their spouse and that the knowing part took time to grow. Love doesn’t happen overnight. It’s not found. It’s made — with a series of choices over an extended period of time. That’s how you really know. 


I think we need to stop telling singles “you just know” and instead, start giving them some of the important advice and information to help them ACTUALLY KNOW what makes for good match and a good marriage.

Choosing Marriage BookIt’s time to stop encouraging this generation to rely on that instantaneous feeling, spark, or emotion we THINK we’re supposed to feel when we meet someone – and instead focus on identifying the things that REALLY matter in a meaningful marriage. One of the reasons I’m so excited about my new book, Choosing Marriage, is because it gives the reader an inside look into what ACTUALLY MATTERS when it comes to choosing someone to marry: integrity, loyalty, consistency, humility, forgiveness, responsibility commitment, selflessness, authenticity, insight, vulnerability, and faith (I could certainly go on with this list but I’ll stop here).

Because the fruit of a person’s character is something you can actually know.

Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, national speaker, relationship expert, and author of True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life, and Choosing Marriage: Why It Has To Start With We > Me where she writes candidly about love, sex, dating, relationships, and marriage. You may also recognize her voice from her 200+ articles at Relevant Magazine,, and all over the web! She’s the creator of this True Love Dates Blog, reaching millions of people with the message that healthy people make healthy relationships!  Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter or book a session with her today!