Why We Need To Talk More About Sex

In Advice and Encouragement, Marriage, Relationships by Debra Fileta

Christians have a hard time talking about sex.

So, the way we’ve approached this topic in recent years is simply this: we don’t talk about it. We avoid it all together. We tell you what NOT to do before marriage, and hope you somehow get it right when you get there.

But the problem with that approach is this: It doesn’t work. It leaves us with more questions than answers. More problems than solutions. More difficulties than victories. 

As a Licensed Professional Counselor, who has worked with hundreds of struggling couples, I know that to be true. I’ve seen it in the lives of so many Christian married couples.

It’s rather telling that some of my most popular and most shared articles center around the topic of sex. It seems like no coincidence that I get the most amount of emails in my inbox and private messages through Facebook and Twitter and Instagram within 24 hours of writing an article about sex.

Sex. It’s what people want to know about. To understand. To learn about.

Sex. It’s a topic that’s been shied away from within the body of Christ, often hidden behind closed doors.

Sex. It’s designed by God, made for His glory, and gifted to His people!

For this reason,  I’m doing a 5-part Sex Series on the blog. We’re going to cover some important topics along the way, so be sure to subscribe to the blog to make sure you don’t miss out on any of these candid conversations. Also, if you have a “sex question” you’d like me to answer, feel free to contact me with your question and maybe we’ll even add a few additional posts to this series! Let’s get started.

And check out the Married Sex Conference we’re hosting on October 2nd, along with our brand new book about Sex! You’ll get a free copy of the new book with your conference registration. And I know your marriage will be blessed!


Let’s talk about sex.  

If you come from a Christian community or family, that’s probably not a phrase you often hear.  In fact, I’ve heard from too many men and women who feel as though sex is not something that is talked about often enough within the context of faith and spirituality.  It’s a conversation that’s missing from the Christian community- as though not talking about it will magically make it go away.  But that underlying belief is a huge part of the problem.

By not saying anything about sex- we’re actually saying something.  What we’re saying is that it’s a topic that’s not supposed to be talked about.  And in the silence, our views of sex and sexuality begin to be shaped and molded– yet with no gauge of what’s healthy or good.

It’s time to talk about sex…and here are some reasons why:

BECAUSE IF WE DON’T TALK ABOUT IT, OTHERS WILL (and already are).  All around us we are getting spoken to about sex.  Turn on any TV station, tune in to any radio station, or open any magazine- and you’ll be bombarded by images and messages that speak to you about what sex is.  The world tells us that sex is about pleasure, power, and passion.  It’s a tool, used to get what you want in life.  It’s a sedative, to make you feel good.  It’s an instrument, selfishly used to get love and to feel intimacy.  Our concept of sex is being distorted by lust rather than love; by casual rather than commitment.  It’s time to speak up about sex because our silence is allowing others to speak for us.

BECAUSE THE TOPIC OF SEX NEEDS TO BE REDEEMED FROM FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME.  One of the biggest problems with the dialogue we’ve created around sex, is that it is rooted in so much guilt and shame.  All throughout our lives, we’re inadvertently (sometimes not so inadvertently) told that sex is bad, wrong, and shameful.  We’re bombarded by the harm of sex before marriage, without being told enough of it’s beauty within marriage.  In  True Love Dates, I start one chapter with the phrase “Say Yes to Sex”, because you know what? Sex is awesome!  It’s time for Christians to stop treating sex like a “say no to drugs campaign” (True Love Dates, pg.107), but rather take the time to bring balance to the truth that sex done in God’s way is totally worth saying yes to.

It’s time to hear less about why it’s wrong, and more about why (and when)  it’s right.

BECAUSE OUT UNDERSTANDING AND EXPECTATIONS OF SEX HAVE BECOME SKEWED IN THE SILENCE.  I’ve heard from a lot of men and women who are going into marriage a little confused as to what to expect when it comes to sex.  They are having a hard time shifting their thinking from seeing sex through a negative lens their entire lives, to all of a sudden seeing it as good, holy, and special.  This shift in thinking doesn’t always come easy, especially when no one is talking much about it.  Our silence has allowed for false expectations to develop, and has left many men and women to try and figure it all out on their own.  As a professional counselor, I work with so many couples who are struggling with sex in their marriage and feel like they have nowhere to turn.

It’s time for the church to become a safe place where we can bring all our struggles and be welcomed with open arms- sex and all.

BECAUSE SEX IS GOD’S GIFT TO US, AND TALKING ABOUT IT IN THE RIGHT WAY BRINGS HIM GLORY. I think it’s important to talk more about sex because it is God’s precious gift to men and women.  Our world has done so much harm to this gift by using it and abusing it through the pornography industry, sex trafficking, abuse, addictions, and the like.  Our media has misconstrued it to reflect lust and selfishness.  God’s design for sex has been misused, degraded, and perverted.  But God is longing to redeem sex, because it belongs to Him!  It was His idea, and it’s something that He created to bring Him glory!  God delights in His children, and He longs for us to experience this gift as best as it was made to be enjoyed.  It’s time to speak up about sex, rescuing it from the darkness of sin and into the light of joy.

For those who are in a covenant marriage relationship, “God wants you to revel in the gift of sex without a hint of shame…and to see it as the lavish gift that it was meant to be” (Married Sex Book).

It’s time to talk about sex, because our expectations, understanding, and views of this sacred act begin taking shape long before we say “I do”.  May God give us the wisdom, the courage, and the strength to speak.

SINGLES: **For more on the beauty of sex and God’s design for it in marriage, check out chapter 8″Why Sex Matters” in True Love Dates if you’re single as well as this Love + Relationships Podcast episode: Sex Drive and the Single Life!

MARRIED COUPLES: Don’t miss our upcoming virtual Conference ALL ABOUT MARRIED SEX!!! You’ll get a FREE copy of our book with your registration. Check out some of these topics!

  • Why God Says Sex Is Good — Christine Caine
  • How Sexual Past Impacts a Good Sex Life – John and Lisa Bevere
  • Signs Your SEX Problem Might Actually be a RELATIONSHIP Problem — Debra Fileta
  • The Five Senses of Sex — Gary Thomas
  • A LIFETIME of Awesome Sex — Dr. Kim Kimberling
  • How to Keep Your Sex Life Alive When You Have Young Kids — With Cait & Cole Zick
  • How Porn Effects Sex– Dave and Ashley Willis
  • Hidden Triggers — Natasha and Jamal Miller
  • Dealing with a High Desire/Low Desire Marriage — With Dr. Corey Allen
  • How to WOW your husband & How to WOW your wife — with Ruth Buezis

DEBRA FILETA is a Licensed Professional Counselor, national speaker, relationship expert, and author of Choosing Marriage and True Love Dates, and Love In Every Season, and Are You Really OK?. She’s also the host of the hotline style Love + Relationships Podcast. Her popular relationship advice blog, TrueLoveDates.com, reaches millions of people with the message of healthy relationships. Connect with her on FacebookInstagram, or Twitter or book an online session with her today!