In a world where we're encouraged to be someone we're not - it's incredibly important to find someone who loves you for who you are. 

Find Someone Who Loves You For Who You Are, Not Who They Want You To Be.

In Relationships by Debra Fileta

In a world where we’re encouraged to be someone we’re not – it’s incredibly important to find someone who loves you for who you are. And that starts with getting real with who you are.

“You’re boring!”

The commercial on T.V. started off by showing a good-looking woman cruelly telling her boyfriend that he was…boring.

In comes credit card advertisement with the solution:  You don’t have to be boring anymore!

The next few scenes portray the young man living it up with his credit card rewards, no longer the boring man he used to be.  All to win back the heart of the witch who just stomped on it.

Really?  I mean….is this for real?

Commercials like this absolutely destroy me. Not even because of the ridiculous content that they advertise, but more so, because they reflect the heart of our culture:

A culture so afraid of rejection, afraid to be singled out, and so utterly desperate just to fit in.  No matter the cost.  

A culture willing to bend and fit into any mold, if only to be loved and accepted, if only to be valued. If only to be told that they’re “good enough”.

It frustrates me to see this theme resonating on T.V., but even more so in the world around me.  Young people I hear from every day through emails, over phone conversations, at talks, and in sessions…longing to be loved, willing to give up everything…even their very self.

One thing I loved about my dating relationship with John, and something that set him apart from the other guys I dated, is that we were always totally real with each other.  Never trying to be something or someone we were not.  We both believed with all our hearts that one of the keys to finding authentic love was in being real. And we gave each other the freedom and the grace to do just that. There was never fear of ridicule, judgement, or criticism.

When the person standing before you is completely transparent you know your love is based on truth, because it’s founded on what is actually there rather than what you wish, hope, or dream could be there. 

There were so many things about me that John loved, things I never imagined someone could ever love.  My clammy hands.  My frizzy curls.  My need to have deep conversations all hours of the day and night. But those were the things that made me — and that is who he fell in love with.

He loved me for who I was, not for who he wanted me to be.

And for the rest of our lives in marriage I am freed to be myself. Completely, wholly, and transparently me.

Don’t settle for a relationship in which you are asked to be someone you are not. Don’t settle for a relationship in which you have to hide the parts of you that make you YOU: really and authentically you. Don’t become someone else just to find love, because real love appreciates you just for being you.  And real love cannot be quenched or washed away. 

Embrace your God-created self.  Every part of it.

From your body type, to your faith. 

From your emotional temperament to your silly quirks.

From your deepest convictions to your hobbies.

It’s okay to be real…because, though you risk rejection…it’s the only way that you can experience authentic and complete love. Find someone who loves you for who you are…

Because that kind of love….is worth holding on to.  

Love the blog? Check out Debra’s LOVE+RELATIONSHIPS PODCAST!


Get busy learning what you need to know about healthy singleness, dating, and marriage. Check out Choosing Marriage: Why It Has To Start With We > Me or True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life.

Choosing Marriage Christian Dating Book

DEBRA FILETA is a Licensed Professional Counselor, national speaker, relationship expert, and author of Choosing Marriage and True Love Dates. She’s also the host of the hotline style Love + Relationships Podcast. Her popular relationship advice blog,, reaches millions of people with the message of healthy relationships. Connect with her on FacebookInstagram, or Twitter


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