“Did you receive confirmation when you met your husband?”
I had just finished up speaking to a group of 20s/30s singles, when a young woman came up to me afterwards with this question.
“Ummm….confirmation?”
For a moment, my mind blanked as I tried to figure out what she meant. Confirmation…..was she talking about confirmation like with my airline tickets? Or maybe that class that Catholic kids have to take…?
And then it dawned on me. She meant “confirmation”…………………from God.
As in: did God give you some sort of a sign when you met your husband, that he was the one you were going to marry?
“Uh, no, actually. I didn’t”.
She glanced back at me with a look of surprise on her face. So I quickly explained.
“When I met my husband for the first time….I had no clue that he would be my husband. There was no spotlight shining down on him, no writing in the sky, no voices from heaven – not even ‘that gut feeling’. So no, there wasn’t an instant confirmation from God. But what God DID do was give me a sort of ‘confirmation’ every step of our relationship. The more I got to know John, the more we grew in our relationship, the more I got to see his traits and characteristics, and the clearer it was that he was the kind of person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.”
When it comes to relationships, so many people are waiting for that magical moment. I’m here to tell you that whether or not that magical moment even exists, it can’t be trusted, because it’s not “confirmation” – it’s feelings.
What IS confirmation is moving into a relationship baby step by baby step, looking for the evidence of health, maturity, and compatibility each step of the way.
As I got to know my husband during the 2 years of our friendship, dating, and engagement, I realized that he was “the one” I wanted to marry, because he possessed the qualities of the “five” types of people I needed in my life:
FRIEND:
One of the most important ingredients in a healthy relationship is the component of friendship. When it came to moving forward in a dating relationship, I wanted to marry someone who I could consider my BFF, someone I enjoyed spending time with, and felt comfortable around. I noticed that it was one of the first relationships in which I was encouraged to simple “be myself” and not have to worry about feeling accepted or trying to impress.
There is nothing more special than being married to someone with whom you can laugh, cry, talk, play, and simply enjoy each other’s company. And because so much of marriage is made up of ordinary moments like grocery shopping, managing money, and cleaning – who better to do those things with than your very best friend. Marry your BFF, because a true friend loves at all times (Proverbs 17:17).
CO-WORKER/HELPER:
When you think of choosing someone to marry – your mind doesn’t automatically go to changing baby diapers, cleaning bathrooms, and folding laundry. But you know what, maybe it should. The funny thing about marriage is that in a way, you’re marrying a “co-worker” in that you’re choosing someone who can walk by your side in the ‘work’ that life brings your way.
I could tell my husband was going to be a great ‘helper’ from the moment we met. All through our dating relationship, he was always there to give me a hand with anything I needed from moving out of my apartment, to fixing my car, to sewing the handle back on my broken purse (yeah…he did that), to helping me load the dishwasher after small group was over and the plates had piled up. And now that we’re married and have 2 kids, I value even more that attitude that has carried over as he serves and loves me and our children, as we work together to build the family God has called us to build.
God calls us to serve one another, and especially within the context of a marriage (Genesis 2:18). But the thing about being a servant is – it’s not necessarily about WHAT you are doing, it’s about the attitude you have WHILE doing it.
Marry a helper, someone who you can serve and love wholeheartedly, knowing that they will also serve and love you in return.
PRAYER PARTNER:
I knew that John would make a great prayer partner one day, because he was a man of prayer while standing alone. We made it a point not to pray TOGETHER early on in our relationship, but we always prayed FOR one another. I was certain that I was being lifted up in prayer, and we supported each other in this way during our time of friendship and dating.
Now that we’re married, our prayer life is one of the most intimate parts of our marriage. We can come together, bearing our heart and soul before Jesus with all vulnerability, and we can do it hand in hand and heart to heart, and it’s something we try to do every day (Matthew 18:20). There is great power in prayer, and there is no greater blessing than being married to a prayer partner who will fight for you on their knees when times get tough and life gets hard. Like the old saying goes, a couple that prays together, stays together. So marry a prayer partner.
#1 FAN:
About 4 months after I met John, he was accepted into a medical school program in a state halfway across the country. It was right around that time that our friendship was moving into a dating relationship, and I remember very clearly a friend of mine (who had just broken up with her med-school boyfriend) said to me: “Don’t ever date a med student, because life will always be about them and their career”. Talk about a serious warning.
But one thing I know is that a person’s priorities have very little to do with their career, and everything to do with their heart. — TWEET IT!!
Step by step in our relationship, I saw a man who was just as interested in what I was doing as what he was doing, a man who valued my life and calling, and took my needs into consideration to the best of his ability. And even though our relationship has required us to move all around the country following his career – he has always kept my needs his #1 priority doing everything in his power to invest in our relationship, but also, to invest in ME. As my life and ministry expanded into writing, blogging, and speaking, he’s always supported me, encouraged me, pushed me, and worked alongside me to make sure I was living out the calling God had placed on my life. He’s my advocate, and my #1 fan (and I’m wholeheartedly and completely his #1 fan!) Marry someone who prioritizes you!
LOVER aka “Your Boo”:
This article wouldn’t be complete without the piece that ties all the rest together. Marry your lover: someone you will choose to love day in, day out, for the rest of your life. Marriage is made of so many strings of attraction that tie you together, from the physical, to the emotional, all the way to the spiritual. And when those three things combine, it translates to the beautiful connection that pairs people together for life. So marry someone you can love, but also, someone who knows how to love you in return.
When we think about the word love, we often associate it with feelings of chemistry and sexual pleasure. While it’s important to be physically attracted to your partner, the truth of the matter is that even with physical attraction in tact, the feelings of “being in love” come and go because ultimately, loving someone is not about feeling, it’s about commitment and choice. A choice to be patient, kind, selfless, forgiving, gracious, humble, and loyal until the end (1 Corinthians 13). When you meet someone who displays the ACTIONS of love, you’ve met a person worth holding onto.
We tend to get caught up, stressed out, and freaked out trying to find this person who will be “the one”. But as you open your heart and life to the people God brings your way, remember that a healthy relationship isn’t about a magical moment, a spotlight from heaven, or even a “gut feeling” – it’s about finding someone who fits with your life, your heart, and your spirit: the five people you need in life, all rolled into one.
Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, national speaker, and author of the book True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life. You may also recognize her voice from her 100+ articles at Relevant Magazine or Crosswalk.com! She’s also the creator of this True Love Dates Blog, where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love! Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter!
Additional Resources:
1. Want the nitty-gritty details of our love story? Curious as to how you’ll recognize a healthy relationship in your own life? Check out my book True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life! Plus, get the Top 25 Dating Questions of All-Time answered in Section 4!!
2. The #1 Mistake singles reported making last year was not taking a risk to start a relationship! Why do Christians tend to be so passive when it comes to relationships? Join hundreds of other singles and take a course that will teach you the top lessons I’ve learned in my career as a Relationship Counselor, and totally change your love-life in 21 Days! Learn more: 21-Day Program to Jump Start Your Love-Life!
