Stop Expecting Me To Have Sex With You

In Dating, Relationships, Single by Debra Fileta

There’s a disturbing trend that’s sweeping the nation. It’s impacting our sons, influencing our daughters, and affecting our entire culture.  It’s seeping into other parts of the world, even those that tend to uphold a traditional view on marriage and relationships. It’s brings a message filled with lies that’s causing confusion, pain, and broken hearts along the way.

Simply put, it’s the hookup culture.

In case you’re living under a rock, the hookup culture is a trend that encourages casual sex, promotes one-night stands, and puts an emphasis on pleasure rather than commitment. In fact, you can be a stranger one moment, and hooking up the next.

It’s a no-strings-attached approach to relationships that leaves many people feeling used and abused along the way.

And sadly, this day and age, it’s the norm. It’s what’s expected. And it’s not just the college-party–scene we’re talking about, it’s everyday life with everyday people.

I recently got an email from a woman in her 40s, completely disgusted with modern day dating scene because of this very concept. Having been on a few first dates with seemingly nice gentlemen, she left feeling completely frustrated at the expectation that was communicated to her that sex would be part of the first date. “That’s just how it is.”

Download any dating app, or talk to anyone currently in the dating scene and you’ll quickly learn that there is a LOT OF PRESSURE on our men and women today to put up and put out because sex is what’s expected. It’s what everyone does. And anything less than makes you undesirable.

But as much as it often seems like the hookup culture has “won” – I’m here to tell you that it HAS NOT.

There are men and women all over the world who are taking a stand: believing that sex is valuable, meaningful, and to be reserved for the right person within the right time.

There are men and women who are going against the grain, and standing up to the cultural “norm” by saying NO to the hookup culture.

There are men and women who believe that sex is not about “getting some” but instead it’s about giving – giving your body, giving your heart, giving your commitment…and the giving of your very self. 

I know this to be true because I hear from these men and women EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. They line up to talk to me after events, fill up my inbox with their emails, and capture my attention with their heart-felt messages.

These brave men and women are not allowing the cultural norm to define them, but instead, they are defying the cultural norm. And I’m SO very proud of them.

But the problem is, looking around, they are feeling alone in all the noise. And it makes sense. We live in a cultural context where casual sex is glorified, while anyone with higher standards is ridiculed and made to look like something is wrong with them.

If that’s you, I am here to tell you that you are NOT ALONE. In fact, you have chosen what is BEST. There is a reason that we hold sex in such high regard, because it’s a powerful things.

If that’s you, I want to encourage you right here and right now to continue standing up to the hookup culture – as hard as it is to stay strong sometimes. You may be weary, you may feel alone, but you are CHOOSING what’s best, and you will NEVER EVER, EVER, EVER REGRET going into marriage with less baggage, less sexual history, and less one-night stands.

God’s design for marriage is clear, and his plan for sex is so good.

There are so many brave men and women out there, who are sticking to what they know to be true: that sex in God’s way, and in God’s time, is always best.

It’s time to laugh in the face of cultural norms…

It’s time to stand for what we believe…

It’s time to say out loud what we believe to be true….even in the face of their expectations:

No, I will not have sex with you.

It’s time to say NO to the hookup culture.

***If you are part of this courageous group of men and women, I challenge you to share this article and make some noise. It’s time to start some important conversations with our friends and begin defying cultural norms rather than simply tolerating them.***

Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, speaker, and author of True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life21 Days to Jump Start Your Love Life, and 21 Days to Pray For Your Love Life – where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. You may also recognize her voice from her 150+ articles at Relevant Magazine or! She’s also the creator of this True Love Dates Blog!  Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter or book a session with her today!

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