Sexual Purity is NOT the Most Important Thing

In Relationships by Debra Fileta

Misconception #3: Your virginity is your most important quality, anything less is undesirable.

I’ll never forget the look on her face as she shared the story of her dark sexual past, with tears welling up in her eyes.

But the ironic thing is, she was less concerned with what she had done- for she knew God had forgiven her of her past and wiped it clean- and more concerned with what they would think of her.

What if her church friends knew? Could she ever find someone to love her? Did she even deserve that kind of love?

Having recently been saved, God had pulled her out of the trenches of sexual addiction and transformed her into the start of a new life. But she found herself feeling confused. The same people that preached grace and God’s forgiveness, seemed to continuously remind her of her dark past.

She had recently heard in church that when you give yourself away sexually, you have given away a piece of your heart that you could never get back. If that were true, what did she have left? Her “heart” had been given away so many times in the mistakes of her past, was there anything left to give?


If you grew up in church, you’ve likely heard one of these  horrific analogies somewhere along the way.

Your sexual purity, once it’s given away is like…

“Tape that’s lost it’s stickiness.”

“Paper that’s been torn.”

“Gum that’s been chewed.”

“A gift that’s been unwrapped”.

While I get the mentality behind these messages, my problem with these analogies, and in fact- this entire discussion, is that it presents “purity” as a one-dimensional physical act.

First you have it, and then you don’t. Vanished. Gone. Over. Done with. In a blink of an eye, the prospect of being “pure” and holy has been wiped away.

This mentality is so dangerous because it fools us into believing that our entire worth as believers and as “eligible” bachelors/bachelorettes is wrapped up on this one, single part of who we are. Please don’t misunderstand, I believe that it is important to honor God with our bodies, but…

Since when did our holiness have anything to do with who WE ARE,  instead of everything to do with WHO CHRIST IS?

Church, let me remind us all that Sexual Purity is not the most important part of who we are- SPIRITUAL Purity is- a purity that emanates from our entire lives because of nothing less than God’s great power at work inside of us.

We are multidimensional beings made up of mind, body, and spirit. As important as it is for us to strive for purity in our bodies, purity is not a one-time experience, it’s a process. A process that is birthed in us by God’s Spirit, which redefines every single thing that we do.

Jesus calls us to purity of our lives by transforming our mind:  “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”, our heart: “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.”, our body: “Flee from sexual immorality.” and even our thoughts: “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure… think about these things.”

Our purity is not simply a product of the status of our physical bodies- but more so, it’s the condition of our souls, souls that are meant to be completely, utterly, and only intertwined with the person of Jesus Christ.

We spend so much time discussing physical purity, without challenging this generation to live a life that is so Spirit-filled, Christ-centered, and God-breathed that purity is just the natural overflow.

The glorious truth is that no matter who you are or what you’ve done, no matter how dark your sexual history, or how deviant your past: Your  physical status and sexual history does not define you- what defines you is Jesus Christ: living, breathing, and working in your life here and now. Don’t let your guilt keep you from experiencing His healing and transformation. Our sexual history will always impact us, but it NEVER has to rule us (True Love Dates: Chapter 8), because we serve the God of restoration, redemption, forgiveness, grace, and love.

Don’t allow anyone to define you by anything less than God’s goodness and grace. And then go, and be transformed. 

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What’s been your experience with this topic? Leave your comment below!

For more on the topic of dealing with desires while single, check out this 40 minute audio lesson called “Sex and the Single Life: What to do with Desires While You Wait!”. 


Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, speaker, and author of True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life21 Days to Jump Start Your Love Life, and 21 Days to Pray For Your Love Life – where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. You may also recognize her voice from her 150+ articles at Relevant Magazine or! She’s also the creator of this True Love Dates Blog!  Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter or book a session with her today!