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Just Because You Wait, Doesn’t Make It Great. The Truth About Sex After Marriage.

In Marriage, Relationships by Debra Fileta

I think one of the biggest misconceptions about sex after marriage is that people assume that just because they waited to have it until marriage, their sex life will be magical – guaranteed.

We’re taught that virginity is the key to a fulfilling sex life come the wedding night. So we start believing that if we save ourselves for marriage, our wedding night will be filled with hours and hours of amazing, hot sex. We imagine all the stars aligning in that perfect moment, our bodies naturally taking over, knowing exactly what to do.

But when the moment comes, it’s never how we thought it would be.

I hear from so many couples whose wedding night was filled with frustration, fears, and the shedding of a few tears. More concerning to me, are the couples I meet with who find themselves disappointed at God because they saved sex for marriage only to have a frustrating sexual experience. No no told them this could happen. It’s as though God didn’t hold up His end of the bargain.


But the problem with this entire belief system is that it’s rooted in a false claim.

We don’t wait so that we can have an evening of ecstasy on our honeymoon night (because trust me, that’s rarely the case).

We wait because through the process of waiting, our relationship is built, our trust is strengthened, and our commitment to each other is tried, tested, and refined.

We wait because through the process of waiting we learn discipline, self-control, loyalty, and reverence for the sacred.

We wait because it’s an act of worship and obedience to a God who knows exactly how we’re wired, what we need, and what is best for our lives.

Our waiting for sex is an act of trusting, and trusting God always leads us to greater things.

We wait, not because of what it will do for us, but because of what it will do within us.

We wait, not because of what it will do for us, but because of what it will do within us.

Because you can’t establish a good sex life, until you’ve established good character first.


Achieving a good sex life after marriage isn’t an instant thing – it’s a process. It’s a process that takes a lot of time, effort, information, selflessness, communication and practice. It’s a process that takes a deliberate investment of emotions, time, and energy.

And most importantly, it’s a process of becoming a better person as much as it is about becoming a better lover. And becoming a better person is always the best place to begin.

1 Corinthians 6:20
“…you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.”

This short excerpt was taken from the beginning of Chapter 8 of Choosing Marriage  called Sex Marks the Spot: From Infatuation to AdorationIn the rest of the chapter, we talk through some really important things that often go unaddressed in the church. Here are some of the topics I cover in this chapter:

  • Understanding that single or married – you have something called a sexual palette that influences your view of sex.
  • Learning about the things you’re doing today that are actually SHAPING your sexual palette (for good and for bad).
  • Revealing the Top Sexual Problems 1,000 married people reported facing after marriage, as well as how to practically get through each one.
  • Talking through physical attraction in marriage – how important is it, how many couples report not having it, and what happens when it fades.
  • Tips to achieving the best possible sex life after marriage.
  • Getting your expectations of sex RIGHT, before marriage.
  • Comparing and contrasting the difference of what singles think the honeymoon will be like vs. what the honeymoon is actually like.
  • A hilarious TRUE honeymoon story!!
  • And so much more!!

And that’s just Chapter 8!!! Order your copy of Choosing Marriage!

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DEBRA FILETA is a Licensed Professional Counselor, national speaker, relationship expert, and author of Choosing Marriage and True Love Dates, and Love In Every Season. She’s also the host of the hotline style Love + Relationships Podcast. Her popular relationship advice blog, TrueLoveDates.com, reaches millions of people with the message of healthy relationships. Connect with her on FacebookInstagram, or Twitter or book an online session with her today!