“Men prefer debt-free virgins without tattoos…”.
That was the title of an article that recently went viral on the internet, for all the wrong reasons. And I need to start this post by saying that I am a Christian woman who completely disagrees with the sentiments of that article. In all honesty, if I didn’t have to link to the article above, I wouldn’t…out of the hopes of snuffing out this dangerous message before it gets anymore reads on the internet.
Among many other faulty beliefs outlined in this infuriating article, a Christian woman should “carefully consider if she should go to college” – because “college teaches women to be independent, loud, and immodest”. I’ll spare you the rest of the details, but at the end of the day, the entirety of the article is a message of gender inequality that is perpetuated within the walls of some minority churches – that devastatingly end up speaking for the whole. Sadly, it is a poor reflection of the Christian church at large, and an even poorer reflection of the Jesus we serve.
I had to control my reaction as I read the words on this blog, and I found my emotions going from curiosity, to rage, to sadness.
How is this a message that’s being presented as the “Christian” way?
How could it be possible that we’ve stretched “the truth” SO FAR as to support such a faulty view of women and their role in the context of marriage?
I don’t know who this woman is and what background she comes from, but I can say with certainty that her view is NOT representative of the Christian women or men that I know. Here’s why:
It paints a completely backward picture of what healthy men are looking for in a woman:
My husband read the aforementioned article and rolled his eyes along side of me. Because a healthy man is looking for a woman of confidence, a woman with a brain, a woman who has a voice, calling, and goals and dreams.
If an uneducated, completely dependent woman with no opinions or ideas is what these so-called men prefer in a woman, then I say….RUN AWAY LADIES!!! RUN AWAY!!! But interestingly enough, some of the traits she listed as negative (education and independence), according to the many men I have interacted with through my research and surveys are the very traits that real men are looking for in a woman.
Not only that, but I am a firm believer that our past may impact us, but it doesn’t DEFINE US. Whether it’s debt, or sexual sins and struggles…the list of qualities mentioned in this article leave absolutely no room for grace, mercy and redemption, which are the exact things my Jesus is all about.
It takes the important principles of being wise with our money and body, and makes them a one-way street.
I don’t think anyone would disagree that debt and sexual baggage are things we don’t want to take into marriage. In my book Choosing Marriage, I talk in detail about how our financial decisions and sexual past can cause stress in a marriage and outline some ways to deal with those struggles. But the way this statement is presented in this article is painting a picture that a woman is only valuable or desirable when she is a virgin and debt-free.
Why such a strong emphasis on what a Christian woman should be, with little to no emphasis on what men should be? If anything, men and women alike should be called to a higher standard in how we deal with our money and how we honor our sexuality. It’s not a one way street and to make it so is taking an important concept and completely missing the mark.
It fits women into a cookie-cutter mold that’s neither biblical nor healthy.
I am a wife and mother of three kids myself, but reading this statement made me cringe with pain and sadness: “Is college worth having less children? I will never understand how women prefer careers over having precious babies.”
God made each and every woman unique, capable, and an irreplaceable part of the kingdom of God. Some women are called to be moms and reach their homes, others are called to reach their communities, and others still are called to reach the world. Some are talented teachers, others are gifted engineers, physicians, artists, homemakers and everything in between.
God’s calling on a Christian woman’s life is not a one-size-fits all approach, and to put that on a woman is a harmful and shame-filled approach. A woman’s place isn’t in “the home”, her place is wherever God has called her to be.
A woman’s place isn’t in “the home”, her place is wherever God has called her to be!
I’m tired of the message that pushes gender roles down our throats that are neither biblical nor healthy.
It misses the most important part of a healthy relationship.
Not once in this article is a Christian woman challenged to become healthy and whole standing alone. Which is the very most important part of creating a healthy relationship and attracting the right kind of guy.
She mentions learning to cook, to raise children, to be debt-free…but none of those things guarantee a healthy relationship. What about being a woman of insight, a woman of passion, a woman of wisdom, a woman of strength? What about being a woman who has healed from her past, learned from her mistakes, and has a vision for her future? What about a woman with goals, and dreams, and a calling? A woman who runs hard after Jesus – not because it’s the way to attracting a man, but because there is absolutely no other way she wants to live.
I’m responding to this article for one reason and one reason alone: because I’m afraid that sometimes the most negative, uninformed articles are what end up circulating the most…completely unrepresentative of the majority and what we believe as Christians.
I’m a Christian and I don’t agree with the degrading sentiment that “men prefer debt-free virgins without tattoos”….and I just needed you to know.
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“…a true masterpiece among the crowded shelves of marriage books” — Dr. Kim Kimberling, Awesome Marriage
Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, national speaker, relationship expert, and author of True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life, and Choosing Marriage: Why It Has To Start With We > Me where she writes candidly about love, sex, dating, relationships, and marriage. You may also recognize her voice from her 200+ articles at Relevant Magazine, Crosswalk.com, and all over the web! She’s the creator of this True Love Dates Blog, reaching millions of people with the message that healthy people make healthy relationships! Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter or book a session with her today!