How To Spot a Flirt: 3 Questions to Ask

In Advice and Encouragement, Dating by Debra Fileta

The TrueLoveDates summer #GuestPostSeries continues with this post by Mia!


In my early 20s I made the decision to trust God and wait on His best for marriage.

No one could have told me I’d still be waiting into my 30s.

Some days I am grateful for the time I’ve had to mature, heal and experience life. On other days I’m asking “When God, when”?

Know the feeling?

So when compliments from an attractive, educated man led me to believe he was interested in me…let’s just say he had my attention—All OF IT.  With every interaction, my hopes raised just a little bit higher that there could potentially be something more to this.

After a few days with no contact however, realization dawned… “Oh, he was just flirting with me”.

Ahhh—“The Flirt”. We all know one and sometimes — we are one.

According to, to flirt isto behave in a way to be romantically appealing to someone or to dabble with an idea or with participating in something but not commit”.

So what’s the big deal? Flirting is harmless after all, right? Well right or wrong it happens frequently.

In this particular instance, I can’t lie… my feelings were a little hurt. I wondered if I had done something wrong in daring to hope in the possibility of a new romance. Did I misread the signs? Since there was no follow up I began to question if the good things he said about me were true.

In the following days as I processed my disappointment and reviewed the whole scenario with God and friends the question arose, “Next time, how do I protect my heart from the false hope of a flirt?”

With the goal of guarding my heart in mind (Prov. 4:23), these three questions arose that helped me sift through the situation and make sense of everything.

Q1. What did he really say?

Let’s not assume meaning or draw a false conclusion about a man’s intentions. In this case while the compliments were extremely flattering, there wasn’t much substance and they weren’t very specific.  Any woman would smile if told she’s pretty.  

Years ago, I knew a man that regularly called me “Love” and “Beautiful”. After discovering he spoke to most women he knew that way, I doubted the sincerity of his statements.

Once considering what was actually said we then have to think about whether it’s true and if so, how does he know?

Sometimes we hear what we want to hear and make inferences that simply are not there. By doing so we run the risk of being emotionally led and running down a pathway of bad, costly decisions.

We must be careful not to be so eager for love we allow our heart to be moved by a few compliments.

Q2. Who is this man?

What do you really know about him? Are you interested in something more? Why? Sometimes we open our hearts only because we’re flattered by the attention a man gives. It’s important to learn to guard our hearts and be discerning when allowing others to have access to our lives.

Whatever the case may be, just because there appears to be interest on his part doesn’t mean there is an obligation to return interest on your part. We must not be in the habit of accepting the attention or advances that any man tosses our way. There is a standard. We have choices and that’s a good thing. We can be selective about whose interest we will entertain.

Q3.  What do we believe about ourselves?

When we already believe we are beautiful, amazing or (insert whatever positive adjective here) it won’t take us by surprise to find that a man views us that way. Health attracts health. When we have a healthy esteem we attract others of the same mind. This usually yields great returns in both platonic and romantic relationships.  A poor level of self esteem does not serve us well in any area.

Ladies, we are already loved, considered worthy and beautiful by the One who made us and came to set us free. When we rest securely in that identity, compliments from a man who has not considered the weight of his words won’t shake our foundation. And while it always feels good to be noticed, we must pray for discernment and walk in wisdom regarding relationships. When all is said and done, we can accept a compliment graciously, but also run it through the filter of the aforementioned questions.

Doing so will help guard our heart, mind and our time. 

Mia is an actress, writer, teacher and speaker, but most of all a woman that loves God. Her aim is to point the way to Christ using whatever platform she can. She broadcasts daily Periscope: where she discusses her journey of learning how to be content, one day at a time. You can learn more at her blog: or follow her on Twitter:@MsMiaWrites.

Welcome to! I’m Debra Fileta, Professional Counselor & Author of the book True Love Dates, and I created this blog as a space to pair psychology and Christian spirituality to address all things love, dating, and relationships.

This month, I’ve invited some of my faithful TrueLoveDates readers to share their heart with the rest of our blog community for my #GuestPostSeries!! There are some AMAZING singles out there, people!!! I’m choosing 10 guest posts to share with you over the summer. I’m so excited to hear their stories and share their messages with you as well! Enjoy!! And be sure to leave them some love in the comment section below.  — Love, Debra

Friends, let’s have some #RealTalk about healthy dating relationships, from a Christian perspective but with a serious dose of psychology from my perspective as a professional counselor. I’ll tell you everything you need to know. Pick up a copy of my book True Love Dates.

Because healthy relationships are not “found” — they’re made. 

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