He Said/She Said: The Ins & Outs of Marriage

In Advice and Encouragement, Marriage, Relationships by Debra Fileta

Back by popular demand, this is post three of the He Said/She Said series.  I’ve gotten some great feedback from you guys about how much you’ve enjoyed the posts, so thank you!

It’s been so good to get the different perspectives from the male/female lens, and I’ve found the posts both challenging and inspiring.  Interviewing the applicants for the He Said/She Said posts has also been such a good reminder to me that there are SO many great people out there, allowing God to do His great work in their lives.  Thank you to all who have participated through interviews, comments, and sharing the posts with others.

If you’re new to the He Said/She Said series, you can catch up on the first two posts: He Said/She Said: The Ins and Outs of DatingHe Said/She Said: Single & 30

Today we’re going to take a look inside marriage.

Please remember, as with all He Said/She Said posts, these are two real people with real perspectives.  Please be respectful in your thoughts and comments.  Also, remember that as the author of this blog, I may or may not agree with the following perspectives.  

He: David Kakish,  27 year-old male, Louisville, KY. Check out his blog (http://davekakish.wordpress.com). Follow him on Twitter @davekakish

Married to

She: Ashley Kakish, 30-year-old female, Louisville, KY. Follow her on Twitter @kakishwife

How long have you been married?

He & She Said: We’ve been married for four and a half years.

What has been your favorite thing about marriage?

He Said: Sex. Can I say that? No, just kidding. My favorite part about being married is the fact that I am hosting a perpetual slumber party with my best friend. Sometimes we will put the kids down early, pack a stash of our favorite candies and have an all-night marathon watching all the must see shows that we’ve been missing out on.

She Said: One of my favorite things about marriage is that no matter what lies ahead, I know I get to walk through it with my best friend. Some of our best moments and fondest memories have been made by just enjoying each other and enjoying life.

What has been the most unexpected part of marriage?

He Said: The most unexpected part of marriage has been how quickly time goes by. I said “I do,” blinked and it’s almost five years later. Now we have two kids, two less dogs, and we’ve moved three times; where the heck did the time go?

She Said: Everyone says marriage takes a lot of work, but it really does take a lot of work! You have to be very intentional and selfless.

What’s something you didn’t know about marriage going into it, that you wish someone would have told you?

He Said: I wish that someone would have explained to me that sex is only one (small) component of a healthy marriage relationship, and not the sun in our love solar system.

She Said: Sex will not be perfect the first time. Just like every other aspect of marriage, you have to be patient and really work at it for it to be great.

Where do the areas of conflict tend to come from in your marriage? What are your biggest problem areas?  (Meaning, what do you find yourself arguing about or stuck on).

He Said: Family- Which family do we spend Christmas with? Preferences- What if you both like the left side of the bed? And other small and relatively insignificant minutia. One of our biggest arguments was over the order of spells Dumbledore casts when fighting Voldemort in Harry Potter and The Order of The Phoenix. These tiny squabbles are joy thieves and typically symptoms that indicate a greater unresolved emotional issue.

She Said: Dave and I grew up in very different households. His family talks about everything, and my family is more reserved. Coming from two different backgrounds of communication has caused some conflict, and this is a challenging area for me personally, but Dave has definitely pushed me to be a more open and honest person, and I’m thankful for that.

What is the most challenging thing about being married?

He Said: As a Christian, I made a covenant to my wife on the day that we wed to fulfill my biblical role in our marriage: to love her as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25-31).  This is the most challenging part about being married because it is not a one-and-done kind of thing. “Honey, can you take out the trash?” Yep. Done. But here, I have committed to try and emulate Christ’s love toward my wife until she passes from this world into the next and enters into the loving arms of her true husband, Jesus Christ. Unless, of course, I die first, which is almost impossible because she is older than me. So…awkward…

She Said: You will not always feel like loving your spouse. When you’re engaged, you think the emotions will last forever, but marriage shows you what a sinner you are and how much you need God’s grace to help you choose to actively love and serve the other person, even when you don’t feel like it.

What attracted you to your spouse initially?

He Said: Outside of her infectious laugh and model good looks, the thing that attracted me to my wife was the fact that she was not a habitual dater.

She Said: I’m a sucker for a great beard, and my husband’s is up there with the best of them Once I was able to look past the facial hair, I remember admiring Dave’s leadership and passion for the Lord, and I definitely had a lot of respect for him for a long time, but I always thought he was too serious for me. When I started to see that he had a silly side too, I was really drawn to him.

How did you get to the point of knowing they were “the one”?

He Said: While I understand that many delay marriage until they are certain that she is “the one”, I knew Ash was the one when I decided to marry her. I made her “the one” by choosing to love her everyday of my life.

She Said: When I started to get to know Dave I knew something was different. Even as a friend, he really challenged me to think things through for myself and I liked that. After a few conversations I knew he was someone I could spend my life with. By the time we were officially dating, I was sure that he was the one.

What have you learned about yourself through marriage?

He Said: Through my marriage I have come to realize just how selfish I am.

She Said: I have definitely seen how selfish and prideful I truly am. I never thought pride was really a struggle for me until I got married. I started to notice how defensive I would get over the smallest things and that I never wanted to be wrong. Marriage has been and continues to be one of the greatest tools of refinement in my life.

What have you learned about God through marriage?

He Said: Through my marriage I have come to experience a sincere understanding of Christ’s unconditional and sustaining love for the church. Through my marriage, more specifically my failures in my marriage, I have learned the depth of God’s faithfulness to His people.

She Said: I have learned even more deeply how much God loves and adores us. He cares about the little details of our lives. He cares about who we marry and the struggles we face in marriage. When we face hardship, He cries with us. When we rejoice, He sings over us.

Looking back, is there anything you wish you would have done before you were married?

He Said: Absolutely. Looking back, I wish I would have understood the sanctity of marriage, the purpose of sex, and the futility of assuming that a relationship would satisfy my gnawing insecurities. Ultimately, I wish I would have saved myself for my wife instead of squandering my purity so rashly.

She Said: I wish I would have spent more time cultivating relationships and less time worried about when I would get married.

What advice do you give to singles who are hoping to one day be married?

He Said: Singles, you are in a place now where you live virtually unencumbered. That’s what Paul is talking about when he says, “But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided” (1 Corinthians 7:33-34). The married person has to process every decision through the vantage point of their spouse and children. But as a single, if God calls you to go, you can pick up tomorrow and leave without an afterthought. Please, don’t waste your singleness.

With that being said, I encourage you to trust in the Lord and be anxious about nothing. Find comfort in the fact that it was God who created Adam, gave him vocation, and brought him a spouse. God knows your desires, He created you. Don’t grow weary in waiting, for weariness will only lead to compromise.

She Said: One of my favorite quotes is by Jim Elliot: “Wherever you are, be all there.” You are single for such a short period of your life, and then the rest of it is spent in marriage. Build relationships, serve, learn, be content. Trust in the Lord’s sovereign plan for your life. He knows your heart and your desires, so leave those things in His hands and live the life He has called you to today.

Huge thanks to Ashley and Dave for being so vulnerable and real.  May God continue to richly bless your marriage as you reflect His love to one another each and every single day.  

For more on healthy relationships and the how-to’s of  finding true love, pick up a copy of my new book, True Love Dates today!

Also, stay tuned for the next He Said/She Said post, all about Sex!