Why Won’t Christian Men Make a Move?

In Dating, For the Guys, Relationships, Single by Debra Fileta

“What’s up with all the godly Christian men not making a move?”

Out of the hundreds of questions that appeared in my Q&A submission box last week for this 10-part series called “Dating Q&A”, let’s just say that this one showed up a few times. Questions like:

What’s up with Christian men not making a move?! Why is it that nonbelievers come across as so driven, while Christian men can seem so passive in relationships? I’ve heard these question countless times and have even been the one asking the question once upon a time.

In Christian circles, it’s not uncommon to hear the women complaining that the men in their church just aren’t stepping up and initiating a relationship!

Let me preface this Q&A by saying that I’m not typically one to offer simple cookie-cutter answers, because as a Professional Counselor, I find that everything in life is so much more complex than it may seem on the outside- including answers to questions like this.

But as I’ve been stewing over this question for a while, a couple things came to mind as to why this concern keeps coming up again and again:


It doesn’t take a relationship expert to tell you that in this day and age, one of the biggest problems with lack of decision-making in relationships is the fact that there are simply too many choices! Thanks to the internet, at any given moment, there are thousands of people to choose from just at our fingertips.  Not only that, but we are made to believe that the more choices, the better.

Take the popular show, The Bachelor, for example. One man – 25 women to choose from. There is an array of choices, colors, styles, personalities, and body types right before his two little eyes. With so many choices, it takes a whole lot of making-out to find the right one (insert sarcastic voice here). It’s sad that this is how our society portrays the concept of finding the right relationship, because it couldn’t be more twisted and confusing than this.

Yet, with the men to women ratio in Christian circles being what it is (almost always being more single women than men) sometimes I feel that this same problem presents itself within the church culture as well. I went to a Christian college where there was said to be one man to every seven women. Talk about poor odds for getting a “ring by spring”.

I think part of the problem in the illusion of choice is that when presented with so many decisions to make, one often ends up not making any decisions at all.  We tend to freeze, to stall, to wait, and to postpone decision making out of fear of making the wrong choice. Have you ever been there? I know I have. It’s as though we’re hoping that by not making a choice, somehow a choice will magically be made for us.

I personally know plenty of Christian men who have fallen into that trap, rejecting the bright, godly, amazing women God has put in front of their eyes out of fear of missing out on something or someone that might not even exist.

So to this group of men I say:  Man-up and make some choices!! Don’t dabble into relationships, don’t show interest in 10 women at a time all while trying to find which one you like best, and quit holding out for a woman who might simply be a figment of your imagination while real, godly, beautiful women are sitting right next to you at church. Open your eyes to the blessings all around you, and be courageous to take next steps. God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power. So go ahead and ask a girl out!!


Another big-picture reason why I believe that our men aren’t taking next steps in relationships is because they are filled with doubts. I think one of the greatest plans of the Enemy to destroy Christian families is to fill our men with fear and doubt so that they end up living their life standing still instead of moving into all that God has called them to.

Because the opposite of fear and doubt is a man of confidence and faith- which is the exact thing that terrifies the enemy. Can you imagine what would happen if all of our men submitted to God’s Spirit, and were filled with confidence, power, faith, and strength? It would totally rock our world and turn it upside down!!

The enemy wants to hold us all back, by filling our men with lies that they are not good enough, strong enough, brave enough, or worthy enough. Lies that tell them they will fail, they will falter, and that they won’t measure up. Many of them have wounds that they carry, or hurts that they’re harboring that continue to speak lies into their life and paralyze them from living life the way God intended.

To these men I would say that it’s time to stop believing the lies and trust nothing less than what God says about who you are in Christ! You have been given everything you need in Jesus Christ to live out the calling God has placed on you. You have been created for great things, and the same God that calls you to these things will also equip you for these things. Whether that means pursuing a ministry, or pursuing a relationship; whether that means starting a job or starting a family: God’s calling won’t take you where God’s grace can’t keep you.

You were made for great things, so step out in faith believing that God will go before you.

And then go ahead and ask a girl out!

While there are many reasons along the spectrum of the two big-picture reasons mentioned above (See HERE For 10 Reasons He Hasn’t Asked You Out) as to why a godly man hasn’t made the move, the bottom line for women is to realize that we have to take responsibility for our lives: including both our walk with Jesus, and our love-lives! So stay tuned for the next Q&A about whether or not a woman should make the first move in a relationship! And stick around for all 10 posts in our 10-part Dating Q&A series!

Additional Resources:

Are you single and ready for next steps in your love-life? Check out this 21-Day Program to Jump Start Your Love-Life!

Want to know how to find and keep the right relationship? Check out True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life!

Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, speaker, and author of the book True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life as well as the 21-Days To JumpStart Your Love-Life Program, where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. You may also recognize her voice from her 100+ articles at Relevant Magazine or Crosswalk.com! She’s also the creator of the True Love Dates Blog!  Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter!