Single on Valentines Day. 3 Things To Remember.

In Single by Debra Fileta19 Comments

I was single on valentines day. 

It was a couple short years before I met my husband John, and I remember I was sitting alone in my apartment on the night of Valentine’s day.

Which may not sound like a big deal in and of itself , except that I was also recovering from a difficult breakup. I felt kind of lost.  I wasn’t sure what to do with myself.

Have you ever had one of those moments in life where it seems like EVERYONE has someone but you?  I couldn’t even have a “girls night out” like I’d planed in years past (it’s always a great distraction) because this year, the girls were all out with their guys.

To complete the miserable day- I was also hundreds of miles away from my family.

I remember feeling really alone that night. No flowers. No chocolates. No notes. No one to tell me they loved me or to hold me close.

So what did I do, you ask? How did I survive being single on valentines day? Oh, you know, just added to my misery by watching a ridiculously sappy chick-flick, alone in my apartment, and cried the entire evening away.

Happy Valentine’s Day to me!

Looking back on that day, I realize I was dealing with a lot of frustration, unknowns, and some really big hurts in my life. The pressure of life not turning out how I wanted it to, and the fears of the unknown were making me feel desperate and consumed with wanting a relationship. Add to that the ridiculous emphasis our culture puts on Valentine’s Day–and you’ve got the perfect recipe for a crummy day.

As I think back on my life and my miserable Valentine’s Day I realized something– life didn’t always turn out exactly how I wanted it to– but it turned out just how God wanted it to…and what He wanted was so unbelievably right.

If you find yourself struggling or alone this Valentine’s Day, remember these truths:

1.You are SO incredibly loved.

It’s one thing to know of God’s love for you – but it’s a whole other thing to experience it. As I look back at my life, my singleness was one of the most valuable opportunities I had to really relish in God’s love, because some days, it was the only love I had access to.

His love is constant, it’s fierce, it’s strong. His love is poured out on us not because of who we are, or what we’re doing  – but because of who HE is and what HE’S done.

When you’re resting under the ferocious, powerful, all consuming love of God, you can guarantee that no matter what your Valentine’s day may look like – you are loved, you are noticed, and you are His.

2. You are exactly where God has you, so cut yourself some slack and show yourself some love.

There is comfort in knowing that when you’re running after God- you’re always going to be running in the right direction. So much of life happens the right way when our focus is in the right place.

So cut yourself some slack this Valentine’s day, by taking off the pressure of finding the right person–and simply focus on finding yourself.  What do you enjoy doing? Where do you like going? How do you like to spend your time?  Treat yourself to a really fun day by doing something you love. Take the time to practice the art of self-care, and hone in on nourishing your physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.

There is no better start to learning how to love your neighbor – than by learning to love your God-created, God-ordained, God-designed self.  Why not start this Valentine’s Day?

3. Don’t just sit around waiting to be loved – go find someone to love.  

In True Love Dates, I talk a lot about how our society fools us into believing that our significance is found in the reflection of another human being.  We look for love, and wait around until we find someone who will love us.  But the craziest thing about it is that real love looks awfully different than this.

According to God’s word, real love means we go, give, love, and serve the people God has put into our lives.  The people who need to know His love- and experience a glimpse of Him here on earth.  And sometimes, the best way to take our mind off of our own struggle–is by putting our mind on better things.

Rather than simply waiting around to be loved, or sulking about your lack of love–take the initiative and lavish the love you have on the people God has placed you around.  Plug into your community, your church, or your small group and plan a get-together. Or better yet, volunteer your evening at a soup kitchen, the boys and girls club, or a senior home.

Looking back, some of the most significant Valentine’s I’ve ever had were spent with my little friends from the boys and girls club- playing ping pong, making V-Day cards, eating chocolate, and telling stories of God’s love.

The best memories of my life as a single woman were definitely the times I spent pouring out my love to people who needed it the most. Talk about a perspective shift – taking my eyes off of me and pouring my heart into others.

No matter who you are or what your relationship status this Valentine’s Day, remember that you’ve got a whole lot of love to give.  Pour out your love by investing in yourself–and connecting with the people God has placed in your life.  Then sit back and remember that the greatest expression of love was by a God who poured out His entire life for you.  That very same God has spectacular things planned for your life…trust Him with tomorrow.  And then go out and live for today.

*Fun fact – my husband, John….the man I ended up meeting and marrying just a few short years after my miserable Valentine’s Day, happens to have been born on February 14th. Coincidence? I say not 🙂 More about our story in TLD!

What are some ways you might spend treating yourself and loving others if you find yourself single on Valentines Day? 

Resources:

Upcoming Events:

02/24/24 – Choosing Marriage Event, Lancaster, PA (Register Here)

Books:

Get busy learning what you need to know about healthy singleness, dating, and marriage. Check out Love In Every Season: The Four Stages of Every Healthy RelationshipChoosing Marriage: Why It Has To Start With We > Me or True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life.

 

DEBRA FILETA is a Licensed Professional Counselor, national speaker, bestselling author, relationship expert, and founder of the Debra Fileta Counselors Network. She’s written six books including Choosing Marriage,True Love Dates, Love In Every Season,Are You Really OK?, Married Sexand RESET. She’s also the host of Talk To Me: The Debra Fileta Podcast (formerly the Love + Relationships Podcast) where she facilitates on-air authentic counseling-style sessions. Her popular relationship advice blog, TrueLoveDates.com, reaches millions of people with the message of healthy relationships. Connect with her on FacebookInstagram, or Twitter or book an online session with her or someone from her team today!

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Scott M.
7 years ago

Thank you for these words of encouragement, Debra! I REALLY needed to read this today. Currently, I’ve been fighting a cold for the last few days and, as we all know, it’s no fun being sick! Ugh!? But, as you mentioned, there have been several times where I’ve felt that everyone except me had a significant other in their lives. And, even those whom I thought were the most unlikely to be in a relationship, for whatever reason, were in one! Go figure! ? While, I haven’t been too focused this year on my not being in a relationship on… Read more »

Rick
Rick
7 years ago

I hate to echoing this refrain Debra but you continuously overlook the fact that God has written some people off as damaged and unworthy of relationships. There are a lot of people out there who could flourish with the right partner but are dealing with circumstances that make meeting someone or getting a relationship started extraordinarily difficult.

If you get the idea that God doesn’t care about you, or doesn’t think your worthy of having a companion, it’s very difficult.

Leighann Blackwood
7 years ago
Reply to  Rick

Hi Rick, I hope your week is a good one. Can I just start off by saying: I hear you. And I get it – I think. Because, I too bought into this lie that I’m…defective and unworthy of being in a relationship. I believed this because I (like many others – single and in relationships) am full of sin. Like so much sin, it’s ridiculous. But here’s the thing: I’m not defective OR unworthy of love/a relationship. And neither are YOU. I totally understand that it’s hard to believe, especially if you feel like you’ve been waiting on God,… Read more »

Ultimacj
7 years ago
Reply to  Rick

I agree with this. The whole “Fate” “Destiny” “There’s always one for everyone” isn’t a truth, it’s a fallacy.

A lot people have proved this to me thus far. But I’ll let you know when someone proves to me otherwise….

Victoria
Victoria
6 years ago
Reply to  Rick

Nowhere in this piece does it mention that’s there’s a person for everyone. And I’m pretty sure God doesn’t write off anyone as unlovable or ‘damaged’. He has a plan for everyone and for some it doesn’t include marriage or children. Either way it’s always our choice to choose to follow his plan or not. Debra has helped me to see that before I can involve myself with others, I have to be emotionally healthy. That’s what you’re missing.

Jayla
Jayla
7 years ago

That was awesome and very true. My grandmothers taught me that when I was feeling down and depressed about my life, to go out and help somebody else. They always told me, you will feel so much better about our life, and your problems and issues won’t seem so bad when you help other people, and show them love. And they taught me that when you show others love, that love will come right back to you 10 fold.

Kairos
Kairos
7 years ago

Thanks Debra…this is such a timely article

Sean
Sean
7 years ago

Good word! Thank you!

Rachel
Rachel
7 years ago

I’d have to disagree about loving oneself, because the Bible says no one hates themselves. Furthermore, you can’t give what you don’t have. Someone who doesn’t have a lot of love can’t give very much of it.

Victoria
Victoria
6 years ago
Reply to  Rachel

Everyone is very capable of loving but some are quite closed off. I never thought I’d truly love anyone until my little sister was born. We may not hate ourselves but we can act like we do hate ourselves sometimes. If we can get over ourselves and open up to a connection with God, we can learn to love ourselves again and then love others.

Shay Johnson
Shay Johnson
7 years ago

Thanks debra, i’ll try my best to take your advice, it’s just hard, cause i just angry and lonley on holidays, cause my mom not here, and this week i’ve been a spiritual warfare, and tears and feeling tired and worn. Please pray over me. God bless you.

Nicole Miller
7 years ago

Last year I sent my friend virtual v-day cards. One of my best friends mailed me a card and a box of chocolates. I plan on buying my roommate a card and flowers this year 🙂

Hannah
7 years ago

Debra! Thank you for this beautiful and encouraging love-filled article! It’s been tough lately since I “lost” a very close and dear friend –got him friendshipzoned–which eventually made our friendship dry and cold since I told him I wanted to date him but not really saw him as a person to commit and love long-term. Recently, started to re-communicate with my ex-boyfriend in a friendly and kind way, I found out I still had feelings for him (we dated long-distance for almost 4 years!!)–I haven’t completely moved on or released my feelings for him! (We ended everything last 2 years… Read more »

Nola Schmidt
Nola Schmidt
7 years ago

Thank you Leighann Blackwood. You may have been talking to Rick. But you spoke to me. I was feeling kind of down after yet another dud attempt online. I’m turning 50 at the end of the month and never really been in a relationship. It’s hard not to question yourself. Thank you for your words.
Thank you too Debra. I think I’ll buy chocolate hearts and pass them out to my customers on Vday. Make their day.

Shay
Shay
6 years ago

Thanks! Debra!

Shannon
6 years ago

I have always loved Valentine’s Day, even though I have ALWAYS been single. People must think I’m a little insane for being so enthusiastic about Valentine’s cards and candy! But, even so, there’s always a little sad spot in the back of my mind that I try not to think about, until the day is over and I’m back home. Alone again. Posts like this are so encouraging in those down moments! Thanks for sharing!

Freddie
Freddie
6 years ago

“It’s one thing to know of God’s love for you – but it’s a whole other thing to experience it” – exactly! But how do you actually do it? If God loves me so much, how come I don’t “experience” it regularly, only read about it or hear my pastor talk about it?

Anonymous
Anonymous
6 years ago

Thanks for this post, Debra. As you so often do, this was perfectly written.

This year was more frustrating than most, partly because for quite a while I *HAVE* been trying to put points 2 and 3 into effect, and it feels like everybody I’ve tried to find in #3 has run away in horror (an overreaction I know, but it still feels that way). Plus, more of those than usual have been posting all the sappy life is perfect updates that make so many longtime singles roll our eyes anyway.