As a Professional Counselor, I spend a significant amount of time counseling men and women (porn is not just a “male” problem) who are struggling with the use of pornography and porn addiction. The use of pornography is having a detrimental impact on so many individuals and damaging many relationships.
I am excited to connect with Covenant Eyes to bring you this powerful guest post. Covenant Eyes is a step in the right direction for anyone who is battling porn struggles and addictions. To learn more, visit their website and check out the bio below.
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For years, my heart was enslaved to porn. It began in college when I worked at a video rental shop. In the late night hours, I would peruse the shelves, wondering what forbidden secrets I could find. Each movie I took home only deepened my thirst for more.
Around the same time, the Internet proved to be another treasure trove for my lusts. The Internet offered a seemingly endless parade of women: behind each link was the promise of another girl, another scene, another pleasure. I became enslaved not just to the sexual high, but to the variety and novelty the Internet afforded me.
I did all of this while professing to be a Christian. At first, this double-life felt normal. All Christians struggle with sin, right? Then, as my slavery deepened, the shame of hypocrisy became a heavy weight on my heart. Eventually, I accepted defeat.
I knew pornography was an empty, muddy well that couldn’t satisfy me. I knew God was my only hope. But instead my life had become a complex machine for managing moral failure, caught in an endless cycle of indulgence and white-knuckled abstinence. My knowledge about God never seemed to warm my heart to the point where I could say no to the porn when it came baying at my door.
Step 1: The Grace of Discipleship
Change began through a series of wonderful Christian friendships—men who were willing to stand with me in the fight.
One man in particular became a mentor to me when I needed it most. After a worship service one day, he asked if I would like to have breakfast with him. I obliged because he seemed like a nice guy.
Over pancakes and eggs benedict, he startled me with a deep and penetrating comment. “Luke, I know you have a secret that is killing you on the inside. I don’t know what it is, but I want you to know that I’m here to listen if you want to talk.” A few moments later, as tears welled up in my eyes, I began telling the story of my slavery to porn. He listened. It felt good to talk about it.
A day or two later he invited me over to his home to talk more. In the middle of our conversation he offered to pray for me. I stopped him, and with a desperate look of skepticism, I asked, “How will this change anything? I’ve asked for prayer about this before. I’ve confessed this to countless friends in the past. I’ve walked down a lot of isles and wet a lot of carpets with my tears. What’s going to be different this time?”
His answer still rings in my ears today: “The different is, after I’m done praying, I’m not going to leave you. I’m going to walk with you through this. I know you don’t believe God can overcome this, and that’s okay. I’m going to believe it for you until you do.”
That was the beginning of my freedom. There was still a long road before me, but I wasn’t walking it alone anymore.
Step 2: The Grace of a New Identity
On the journey from slavery to the Promised Land, Israel learned that though they left Egypt, Egypt was still in their blood. Though they had experienced a dramatic deliverance and had become God’s people, something in them always gravitated back to the familiar golden idols of their former masters.
My addiction to porn was similar to this. Porn had become my idol. I had forgotten who I really was.
I could have told you all about how Jesus had died for me and rose from the grave, but I did not really believe that this impacted me in the here and now. The cross and the empty tomb seemed like dusty old relics. Sure, they might make me square with the Lord in the next life, but I knew nothing of God’s resurrection power in this life.
Through many grace-filled conversations, a lot of prayer, and a lot of good reading, I came to understand something I had forgotten: I am already dead to sin. This is Paul’s central theme in Romans 6.
Principle #1: When Christ died on the cross, He died to this sinful realm. He now lives in the power of the age to come (Romans 6:10).
Principle #2: I am united to the living Christ. His Spirit lives in me. I no longer belong to this sinful age. Because He is dead to sin, so am I (Romans 6:8).
Principle #3: My first act of obedience is simply considering this to be true (Romans 6:11). I am not dying to sin (a process). I am not commanded to die to sin (an imperative). I am dead to it. I needed to chew on this, meditate on this, and get this truth into the core of my being.
The cross and resurrection of Christ became my daily bread. I began to marvel at the blended love and holiness seen in the cross. The more I meditated on the face of the risen Christ, the more I came to long for my own resurrection—complete freedom sin’s presence. Motivated by love and empowered by hope, I started to regularly say no to porn to have taste of freedom.
Step 3: The Grace of Real Relationships
Porn is the enemy of real relationships. It made me only feel like a man without requiring me to be one.
As a single man, I knew I wanted to get married some day, but the intimacy of marriage came with risks. Knowing my glaring faults, I did not feel cut out to be a spiritual leader. In my selfishness, I preferred the false intimacy of porn to the mess of a real relationship. I preferred the fantasy world where I was worshipped over a real relationship where I was called to die to myself.
When I met Trisha—the woman who would become my wife—something shifted in my heart. As I fell more deeply in love, my excitement grew, but a predictable choking fear that had killed so many of my previous relationships welled up within me.
Again, my mentors and friends were there for me. They reminded me that though emotions are messy, God is in control. He promises that everything we go through—even our failed relationships—will work for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). They reminded me that no one is ever “ready enough” for marriage: it is not a “trophy” for the godly but an instrument of grace for broken men and women.
The pursuit of a real relationship worked wonders to kill the vestiges of porn in my heart. The beauty of real intimacy ripped the mask off the false promises of digital sex. As I opened my heart to the real relationships in my community, with my mentors, friends, and my future wife- the grip of false intimacy continued to fade away.
Though I still bare the scars of my former life, I am finally free from the overwhelming daily craving that enslaved me. God’s grace continues to set me free.
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Luke Gilkerson is the general editor and primary author of the Covenant Eyes blog. Luke has a BA in Philosophy and Religious Studies and is currently working on an MA in Religion. Luke is the author of Coming Clean: Overcoming Lust Through Biblical Accountability, When Your Child is Looking at Porn, and The Talk: 7 Lessons to Introduce Your Child to Biblical Sexuality. Luke and his wife Trisha blog at IntoxicatedOnLife.com
*To find a Professional Counselor near you, visit www.aacc.net for local resources, and get started on your journey of healing and recovery today! To learn more about becoming healthy and dealing with your emotional baggage, check out section 1 of True Love Dates.
