Why We Need To Talk More About Sex

In Advice and Encouragement, Marriage, Relationships by Debra Fileta18 Comments

Christians love to talk about sex.

No, let me clarify. Christians love to HEAR and LEARN about sex. Talking about it, well that’s rather “worldly”, and not to mention – very uncomfortable. Yet as uncomfortable as some circles have made it, the truth is, people want to know about sex! We’re wired that way.

It’s rather telling that some of my most popular and most shared articles center around this very topic. And call me crazy, but it seems like no coincidence that I get the most ridiculous amount of emails in my inbox and private messages through Facebook and Twitter within 24 hours of writing an article about sex.

Sex. It’s what people want to know about. To understand. To learn about.

Sex. It’s a topic that’s been shied away from within the body of Christ, often hidden behind closed doors.

Sex. It’s designed by God, made for His glory, and gifted to His people!

For this reason,  I decided to resurface a 5-part Sex Series that I wrote in 2014. We’re going to cover some important topics along the way, so be sure to subscribe to the blog to make sure you don’t miss out on any of these candid conversations. Also, if you have a “sex question” you’d like me to answer, feel free to contact me with your question and maybe we’ll even add a few additional posts to this series! Let’s get started.

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Let’s talk about sex.  

If you come from a Christian community or family, that’s probably not a phrase you often hear.  In fact, I’ve heard from too many young men and women who feel as though sex is not something that is talked about often enough within the context of faith and spirituality.  It’s a conversation that’s missing from the Christian community- as though not talking about it will magically make it go away.  But that underlying belief is a huge part of the problem.

By not saying anything about sex- we’re actually saying something.  What we’re saying is that it’s a topic that’s not supposed to be talked about.  And in the silence, our views of sex and sexuality begin to be shaped and molded– yet with no gauge of what’s healthy or good.

It’s time to talk about sex…and here are some reasons why:

BECAUSE IF WE DON’T TALK ABOUT IT, OTHERS WILL (and already are).  All around us we are getting spoken to about sex.  Turn on any TV station, tune in to any radio station, or open any magazine- and you’ll be bombarded by images and messages that speak to you about what sex is.  The world tells us that sex is about pleasure, power, and passion.  It’s a tool, used to get what you want in life.  It’s a sedative, to make you feel good.  It’s an instrument, selfishly used to get love and to feel intimacy.  Our concept of sex is being distorted by lust rather than love; by casual rather than commitment.  It’s time to speak up about sex because our silence is allowing others to speak for us.

BECAUSE THE TOPIC OF SEX NEEDS TO BE REDEEMED FROM FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME.  One of the biggest problems with the dialogue we’ve created around sex, is that it is rooted in so much guilt and shame.  All throughout our lives, we’re inadvertently (sometimes not so inadvertently) told that sex is bad, wrong, and shameful.  We’re bombarded by the harm of sex before marriage, without being told enough of it’s beauty within marriage.  In  True Love Dates, I start one chapter with the phrase “Say Yes to Sex”, because you know what? Sex is awesome!  It’s time for Christians to stop treating sex like a “say no to drugs campaign” (True Love Dates, pg.107), but rather take the time to bring balance to the truth that sex done in God’s way is totally worth saying yes to.

It’s time to hear less about why it’s wrong, and more about why (and when)  it’s right.

BECAUSE OUT UNDERSTANDING AND EXPECTATIONS OF SEX HAVE BECOME SKEWED IN THE SILENCE.  I’ve heard from a lot of men and women who are going into marriage a little confused as to what to expect when it comes to sex.  They are having a hard time shifting their thinking from seeing sex through a negative lens their entire lives, to all of a sudden seeing it as good, holy, and special.  This shift in thinking doesn’t always come easy, especially when no one is talking much about it.  Our silence has allowed for false expectations to develop, and has left many men and women to try and figure it all out on their own.  As a professional counselor, I work with so many couples who are struggling with sex in their marriage and feel like they have nowhere to turn.

It’s time for the church to become a safe place where we can bring all our struggles and be welcomed with open arms- sex and all.

BECAUSE SEX IS GOD’S GIFT TO US, AND TALKING ABOUT IT IN THE RIGHT WAY BRINGS HIM GLORY. I think it’s important to talk more about sex because it is God’s precious gift to men and women.  Our world has done so much harm to this gift by using it and abusing it through the pornography industry, sex trafficking, abuse, addictions, and the like.  Our media has misconstrued it to reflect lust and selfishness.  God’s design for sex has been misused, degraded, and perverted.  But God is longing to redeem sex, because it belongs to Him!  It was His idea, and it’s something that He created to bring Him glory!  God delights in His children, and He longs for us to experience this gift as best as it was made to be enjoyed.  It’s time to speak up about sex, rescuing it from the darkness of sin and into the light of joy.

For those who are in a covenant marriage relationship, “God wants you to revel in the gift of sex without a hint of shame…and to see it as the lavish gift that it was meant to be” (True Love Dates, pg. 112).

It’s time to talk about sex, because our expectations, understanding, and views of this sacred act begin taking shape long before we say “I do”.  May God give us the wisdom, the courage, and the strength to speak.

**For more on the beauty of sex and God’s design for it in marriage, check out chapter 8″Why Sex Matters” in True Love Dates

Through the end of October ONLY my book True Love Dates is available on Amazon Kindle for 2.99 (KindleMatchbook for 1.99) – so SINGLES snag it while you can and find out how to date in a way that leads to marriage!

tld-3d-book cover

Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, speaker, and author of True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life21 Days to Jump Start Your Love Life, and 21 Days to Pray For Your Love Life – where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. You may also recognize her voice from her 150+ articles at Relevant Magazine or Crosswalk.com! She’s also the creator of this True Love Dates Blog!  Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter!

Comments

  1. Amen! Well said, Debra. If you haven’t read “True Love Dates” yet it is a MUST read! I was truly blessed and encouraged by it.

    1. Author

      Thanks, Shelia! Appreciate the kind words, so glad to hear you were blessed by it!

  2. I have always being blessed with every of your write-ups that I have. They’ve been timely, concise and appropriate. God bless you. Please, how do I get your book in Nigeria?

  3. “We’re bombarded by the harm of sex before marriage, without being told enough of it’s beauty within marriage.” TLD makes this so clear to me, and I finally understand the reasons to wait. (Even for future relationships as a divorced mother of two!)

  4. Really good article but I still think sex in a relationship needs to be postponed until it’s a serious point in the relationship. For too long now, people get to sex too soon in relationships nowadays. I think this has abused God’s gift for US and we need to learn how to stop abusing it. Not to mention that when the topic of sex comes up, it should be something sacred to a relationship (Stop giggling! I know I’m a guy and I said that) but when people have sex too soon in a relationship that can abuse the respect for the relationship you know. I remember that one post 4 Reasons NOT to be Friends with Benefits and I think that post really fits well with abusing God’s gift for us. Really good post and despite the fact that I’m single it’s still a great blessing to me. Definitely talk more about this topic and maybe unhealthy or unreal expectations for a close intimate relationship but that’s up to you.

  5. It’s true…

    Even though talking about it in public would make some people blush *cough cough — me* it is undeniable that the world is sending us unacceptable messages on this topic and as a church, for the sake of the Lord, we need to say something.

    However, my concern with what the church has to say on the topic is that what I’m hearing is getting a bit… hmmm cliché, shall we say? I’ve read so many Christian books on sexual relationships. I’ve heard over and over that this level of intimacy is reserved only for marriage, it is : beautiful, in God’s plan for married couples etc… But I’m starting to wonder if there’s anything else to be said about it besides the same things that are usually said… Deep conversations on this issue are lacking. In my opinion at least.

    Thanks, Debra, as always for sharing.

    1. Hi Ganise, this reply is two years after your original post, but I hope it helps. There is a couple doing a ministry called Future Marriage University, and they wrote a book called “Beyond Sex and Salvation”. Their ministry and Debra’s have a lot in common and together they really help the Christian wading through these relationally confusing times we live in. Blessings.

  6. What I liked best about your article was the definition of what the world says sex is about (sedative, instrument etc.). I had never heard anyone point it out clearly like that.

  7. These are really good thoughts about sex. Sex and sexuality have not really been discussed honestly in church setting. Without these discussions, I’ve seen many fall into the trappings of having unhealthy views of sex leading to addiction and pornography (rebellious attitudes) or unhealthy views of sex and wind up being debilitated when expressing intimacy. I too have been called into counseling ministries and work with many broken people. Debra, thanks for your thoughts and thanks for keeping it “Godly Real.” I also agree with A-Rob’s comments.

    1. Author

      Keepin it “Godly-real” I love that 😉 Thank you, Raymond!

    1. Author

      Hi Kim! Unfortunately this was an older post- I was there in September of 2014 🙂 In Holland Michigan at Ridgepoint Church.

  8. Debra,

    I have had all the messages from the world ingrained in me also. I have recently read TLD with a dear man and we are approaching our relationship in this manner ;o} We are so excited to experience life the way God intends. The struggles are real but we are more content than in previous relationships. God is good. Thank you for your wise words.

  9. Married people at my church talk about sex all of the time, just not in a constructive manner for single people. Yes, I understand that it’s natural and I’m happy they are enjoying their fabulous sex lives and enjoy it so so much, but telling jokes and then frowning if I laugh, or going on and on about sex in a way that makes a single person uncomfortable or unable to participate in the conversation isn’t helpful. In my experience, discussions of sex have been a tool of alienation within the church. We need to talk about it, but it needs to be more than an adolescent conversation. I’d rather talk about sex with my secular friends because they don’t treat me like I’m a badly behaved child or have weird expectations of how I’m supposed to respond when they talk about it. They also don’t talk about it as much as the church folk do.

  10. This is very important! Many Christians fell into wrong version of sex ignorantly. Some were married for years and were still virgin because of ignorance. Pls let’s talk about it well well.
    What it is, definition, how to know one had been disvirgined, how to practice sex in marriage, what is normal and not etc

  11. I wholeheartedly agree that Christians need to have more open and honest conversations about sex. Thankfully, I had these conversations, and got a lot of my questions answered from my family. I’ve read books, and taken classes on human sexuality, so that’s how I’ve learned so much. My family has always been very open and honest when it comes to sex, and they’ve never sugarcoated anything. I also learned a lot about sex in catholic school believe it or not. Again, we had open and honest and informative conversations. I think this is the biggest issue many Christians have when it comes to sex, the fear of talking about it stems from possible temptation to want to have sex. Many single and dating Christians are struggling to stay chaste and abstinent until marriage. They’re reminded of the bible verse to “flee temptation” so they do, constantly. Which to them means avoiding even discussing sex. Unfortunately many Christians don’t really know how to have a “safe” sexual conversation prior to marriage, and sadly some married people can’t talk to one another about sex. It would probably be helpful Debra, if you wrote more on how to effectively have a productive, and informative, open and honest conversation about sex before and after marriage. Just my thoughts. 🙂

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