Why There’s No Such Thing as a Soul Mate

In Advice and Encouragement, Dating, Marriage, Relationships, Single by Debra Fileta5 Comments

I got an email from a young man who was feeling frustrated with relationships.  He had recently asked a girl on a date and had been turned down. She explained to him that she was waiting for her “soul mate”.  Apparently, she didn’t think he was the one.

My heart goes out to this young man, because it always stings to get turned down- no matter how spiritual or holy the rejection may be.  I’ve met more than my share of young men and women who are sitting around, waiting for their soul mate.  As though one day, there will be a magical knock on the door and “poof”, their soul mate will be waiting.

I think this philosophy of a “soul mate” has done far more harm than good in our society.  First and foremost, it’s a concept that is rooted in ancient mythology.  Story has it that the gods split human beings as a form of punishment for their pride.  Since then, human beings have been on the search to find their “soul mate” in an attempt to reach completion once again.  Ancient mythology declares that there is this unspoken knowledge- some sort of feeling that a person experiences when they come face to face with their soul mate.  Half full people waiting around for someone else to complete them.  I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t sound very healthy to me.

Beyond the fact that the term is founded completely in fairy tale, it’s also entirely unbiblical.  It is a title that is promotes “feeling” and “energy” that attracts one person to another.  It’s a dangerous concept because it fools you into believing that love and marriage hinge on emotional ecstasy.  And even more detrimental, is that it gets you to believe that you are incomplete until you come face to face with the love of your life.

How long will it take us to learn that feelings can’t be trusted?  They may help point us in the right direction, but they should NEVER be the sole foundation on which an entire relationship is based.   Because at the end of the day, feelings come- and then feelings go.  Those who build their relationships on the foundation of “feeling” will find that when the rain comes- their love quickly crumbles.

All over the world there are Christian young men and women waiting for that magical moment when they will come face to face and eye to eye with the person that will stir their heart and connect deeply with their soul.  For the one who will complete them and make them whole.

There is no such thing as a person who will complete our souls, because according to God’s word- we are only made complete in Him.

Healthy relationships begin by understanding this completeness.  They are based on positive interactions, effective communication, and an emotional give-and-take with another human being that reflects health and wholeness.  They are founded in faith, rooted in good choices, and grounded in hard work and a whole lot of grace.  Don’t get me wrong- healthy relationships will always come with an abundance of healthy feelings, passion, and romance- but they may not always start with those emotions.

If you’re waiting to meet that person that will trigger some sort of magical moment inside of you that will dub them as “the one”, there’s a good chance you’ll be waiting for a long, long time. Instead, do yourself a favor and begin to make connections with the people God has placed in your life.  Get to know yourself, and then get to know people of the opposite sex who have the qualities you are looking for in a future mate.

Don’t freak out if the feelings aren’t magical or mystical, because frankly, they were never intended to be.  Look for qualities, traits and characteristics that are attractive based on the things you know you need and want in a relationship.  Find a relationship that emits healthiness, wholeness, and respect. Take it one step at a time, and be assured that in a right relationship- feelings will always be present, but they can never be the foundation of a healthy relationship.

True love is based on a healthy combination of facts and feelings, and a whole lot of good choices May God give you the wisdom to choose well.

Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, speaker, and author of True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life21 Days to Jump Start Your Love Life, and 21 Days to Pray For Your Love Life – where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. You may also recognize her voice from her 150+ articles at Relevant Magazine or Crosswalk.com! She’s also the creator of this True Love Dates Blog!  Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter!


UPDATE*****Three years ago, I released my “best ever dating advice” in one little book called True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life. In honor of it’s 3 year birthday, it’s on sale now in eBook form for only $2.99!! So do me a favor and snag a copy for yourself and someone you love. It’s a book that’s revolutionizing lives…and relationships. And for that, I’m so very thankful.

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  1. You said that feelings are a part of a healthy relationship, but are not the foundation — you need both facts and feelings. I agree with this, but in the rest of your post you significantly de-emphasized feelings, rather than putting facts and feelings on the same level.

    “Don’t get me wrong- healthy relationships will always come with an abundance of healthy feelings, passion, and romance- but they may not always start with those emotions” – and preceding paragraph.

    “How long will it take us to learn that feelings can’t be trusted?”

    I think feelings should be part of the foundation. I’ve observed in my life that by learning to both understand and trust my feelings, I’ve been making better choices in who I date, not worse. Feelings can be trusted. You need facts to back them up, though, and that’s where the process of getting to know someone comes in. I’ve been learning how to hold both of these things in tension. I’ve dated people because they had all the right things I was looking for, but I just actually didn’t like them. Sometimes it took me a while to pinpoint why, but my feelings were accurate. This is true in a positive sense too – immediately liking someone and finding out that I continued to like them as I got to know them.

    This is a bigger topic than your post, but Christians tend to be suspicious of feelings/emotions in general (not just in dating), and don’t consider them to be as important as other things. This often looks like saying “feelings will come later.” I’ve found that this isn’t true – feelings can deepen later, but they won’t come if they were never there, even if the other person is amazing.

    1. I know the point of your post was to address the one specific feeling of ‘this person is the one’, but the post was more about feelings in general…motivating my response.

  2. I agree with you Amanda. Feelings are God given GPS when used in conjunction with a healthy dose of God given intelligence. God didn’t give us feelings to constantly ignore them, that philosophy was very damaging to me as an early Christian. I have since realized how ridiculous it would be for God to design us with this intuition/foresight/gut feeling if it was intended for it to be ignored in decision making.

    1. Feelings should NEVER be ignored, but any therapist will tell you they are not the end all be all. Feelings, logic, and faith have to walk together and go hand in hand. Too often people use feelings alone as their “GPS” – and that leads down a lot of really dangerous roads, especially in relationships.

  3. Feelings should not be ignored if it is paired with Godly wisdom, discernment, and faith.

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