Who’s Doing The Asking? #TheDatingScene

In Dating by Debra Fileta32 Comments

I’m scoping out #TheDatingScene by taking a look of the survey results reported by YOU – singles from all across the country.

Before I get into the numbers of this post…let me start off by saying: people, there are a lot of good singles out there!!!  We just got back from the “Praying For Your Love Life” event that I did out at Saddleback Church, and my husband John and I are just SO impressed by the hundreds of men and women we met that are loving God passionately and serving Him faithfully.  So singles- don’t give up hope!! Keep moving in the direction God has called you and keep your eyes peeled and your heart open to the new people He might bring into your life along the way.

I just had to get that rant out before I got to the survey…..

One of the questions I asked in the survey is how often are dates initiated by YOU? My goal for this question was to see what percentage of Singles out there are taking responsibility for their love-life in this particular way.

The survey said…..

Over 71% of singles reported that most of the time they are NOT doing the asking when it comes to dating.

That leaves the other less than 30% of singles who are willing to actually ask someone out on a date.

I don’t know about you, but a 70/30 split seems rather uneven to me.

Like I said in the last post about reasons why Christian Singles Aren’t Dating, I think part of the reason this number is so terribly slanted toward a lack of initiative is because women (who are a significant part of Christian Singles) have been taught that taking initiative in a dating relationship by asking someone out for a cup of coffee or for some lunch, is wrong.

But my question to you in digging a little deeper with this subject is this:

Comment below:

What reasons keep you personally from taking initiative in developing a friendship or dating relationship with someone of the opposite sex? Why are less than 30% of the people doing the asking? 

What do you contribute to the overall lack of initiative when it comes to Christians and Dating? 

Also, I’m curious – what is your view on a woman taking initiative and asking someone out on a date? What has typically been taught to you about this subject?

Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, national speaker, relationship expert, and author of True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life, where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. Her newest book, Choosing Marriage, is set to be released in the Summer of 2018! You may also recognize her voice from her 200+ articles at Relevant Magazine, Crosswalk.com, and all over the web! She’s the creator of this True Love Dates Blog, reaching over 4 million people with the message that healthy people make healthy relationships!  Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter or book a session with her today!

Ready to take initiative, get your dating-life started, and meet some other singles?

Sign up for my 21 Day to Jump Start Your Love Life e-course 

For a limited time, use code TheDatingScene to receive $10 off SALE price of the course!

OR check out this related Audio Lesson for some inspiration: 

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32 Comments on "Who’s Doing The Asking? #TheDatingScene"

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T T
Guest
I’ve asked out men in the past and for a time, it was the only time I ever went on dates. I didn’t grow up in a super conservative environment that discouraged women from asking men out but I am on the shyer side, so it wasn’t easy. After awhile I got tired of being the only one who did the asking so I stopped. Since then, I’ve been online, set up and asked out. If I were to meet a man I’m interested in now, I would definitely consider asking him out for coffee. I realize that rejection isn’t… Read more »
Sam
Guest
I’d say a lack of singles in my area, but for two caveats: 1) I’ve already made that point of few times, and there’s no sense making a nuisance of myself, and 2) it isn’ EXACTLY true. I do bump into the odd young lady now and then. Waitresses, shoppers, fellow twice-a-year hometown parade attendees. But I don’t know them. Are they single? Are they Christians, and if so are they serving and loving God in their lives? I have no idea. I am never around one long enough to find out, and (maybe you would call this living out… Read more »
Jasmine Ruigrok
Guest

I don’t think it’s a bad thing for a woman to initiate a date if she’s interested. After all, men can be pretty thick sometimes (yes, so can us girls, guys. Put your pitchforks away ;)). The old fashioned part of me would rather the guy ask first, mostly because I think it’s a good display of an assertive character (something I’m looking for). However I have missed opportunities in the past that I regret not taking a risk on, so if I did meet someone I was really interested in, I’d be more inclined to speak up now.

Ben
Guest
Pitchfork not necessary. Us guys are usually the first ones to acknowledge that we’re thick-headed in this area. We want directness and clarity. Showing pointed interest is not equivalent to taking initiative. Most guys, unless they’re purely interested in the conquest as a numbers game (yikes), won’t ask unless they’re sure that they’ll get a favorable reaction. Or at least, that they won’t get an unfavorable reaction. (A favorable reaction does necessarily mean “yes”, it means that regardless, the man can walk away from the interaction without feeling like he was an aggressor.) We’re not scared about the “no” as… Read more »
Dawna B
Guest

So! I have read both sides of waiting for a man to 100% pursue and I’ve read that it doesn’t matter who initiated. After that, there should be a healthy balance of the man pursuing with the lady doing some of it as well.

I am trying out the initiating thing. Walking in prayer and wise no matter what. I’m looking forward to have a great conversation and great coffee more often, and one of these days it will work.

Ivy
Guest
I’ve told guys I’ve liked them and would like to get to know them better three out of four times. The first dating relationship I was in the guy initiated and in the second one I initiated by asking the him out. I don’t mind asking men out, I just have a hard time meeting people. If I was able to meet more people who I had more in common with those who I meet, then I would feel more comfortable initiating dates that could possibly lead to relationships. I wish men would initiate more. I know that rejection is… Read more »
Rashida
Guest
I understand the Bible to say, when a man funds a wife he finds a good thing. So, while I’ll make it known that I’m single, available, and interested, I’m not going to ask a man out. I really believe it’s His job to initiate an ask for me to share my time with him…whether over coffee, at an event, or for dinner. I understand that can be a scary position for him due to the possibility of rejection. But, I do think it’s worth the risk. I sympathize with my brothers in Christ and I hope the men of… Read more »
Shannon
Guest

I’m not opposed to doing the asking. In fact, the last date I went on, I asked the guy out. At the end of the date, he acted like it wasn’t a date, but a “hang out” time.

The problem I’ve had with dating over the past several years is the lack of Jesus- loving (and actively following) men in the church. I just switched churches (for other reasons), so hopefully that won’t be as much of a problem at this church.

Raymond
Guest

If a woman would make it know to me she was interested at least a little…I would be all on board to ask her out! It’s just really hard if you have no clue weather she is interested or not. I’m not against her asking, but I believe it is the mans place more so than the women’s!

Kim
Guest

Raymond – if you’re interested in a woman, ask her out! (Especially because you feel “…it is the man’s place more so than the woman’s!” Why wait for her to express interest? She may be waiting for you to do the same. Both of you are missing out on a potentially wonderful partner! 🙂

Ben
Guest

Kim,

Most guys are not going to ask out someone cold. By that I mean someone who is intentionally or not appearing to be uninterested, aloof, or otherwise for the sole reason because “men need to be the initiators”.

Any reasonable, respectful guy will see this as, “don’t even think about it.” We aren’t mind readers.

Kim
Guest
Ben, I understand that about “most guys,” but I’ve had a few great dates where the guys asked me out of the blue. I had no idea they were interested, nor had I shown any interest in them (other than being friendly and/or polite, which I am to everyone). Had those guys not taken the chance, we both would have missed out on some great dates. That’s all I was saying. I didn’t say “men need to be the initiators”…that was what Raymond said (paraphrased). :o) I think it comes down to both parties (many times, not all the time)… Read more »
Ben
Guest

Ah I see where you’re coming from, Kim. Thanks for the reply.

Anonymous
Guest

Speaking from experience, if you attempt to proceed without seeing interest reciprocated, you can get branded pretty quickly as being weird, odd, etc.

Jess
Guest

So what are some examples letting you know she is interested?

Fritz Grobler
Guest
Regarding your first question, I personally get the feeling that a lot of woman I speak to do not want to be friends and If you ask them out it is almost perceived as a marriage proposal. Second question, I do not go out enough, consumed with work and I harbor the ideology of getting debt free before investing in a serious relationship. I do not really meet woman my type at church and any other place you are a bit more cautious because you do not know it they are Christian. Third question, a part of me thinks it… Read more »
Kim
Guest
Some dating coaches I’ve followed for years (who know their stuff) advise that men still like to do the pursuing, and don’t like women to ask them out. (I didn’t say “all” men so don’t criticize me, please.) Another dating coach said in any relationship, there is only one male role and one female role. If the woman does the asking out, she’s assuming the “male” role, and the man has no choice but to accept the “female” role. If that woman continues being the pursuer, the man will just sit back and let the woman lead. I think it’s… Read more »
Anonymous
Guest

Be careful rejecting it outright, because the guy may not realize you’re interested. I had a (female) friend ask my thoughts on her approaching a friend about getting together for coffee. I don’t think he realized she was interested. It didn’t end up going anywhere long term, but they did go on a couple of dates and the fact that she put herself out there at first wasn’t what derailed it.

Kim
Guest

I wasn’t talking about rejecting anything…did you mean to reply to another post? Either way, I like your friend’s story! The guy had no idea she was interested and she asked him anyway!

Anonymous
Guest

I meant in regards to the woman initiating a little bit causing the male/female roles to be reversed. Rejecting was the wrong word for that, mea culpa.

Bek
Guest
As God has removed SO much fear from my heart over the past few years in regards to dating (fear of messing up, getting hurt again, fear of dishonoring the Lord etc), I have become much more willing to develop friendships with men and explore dating potential. I’ve found it’s a little different in every situation, because every person I meet is different! Some men are much more confident about pursuing dates etc, which is great! But I’ve found that in those more on the shy side, those who are still healing from past wounds, etc…they may need more encouragement… Read more »
T T
Guest

If people are against women asking a man out, I think a woman should subtlety or strongly hint that she’s interested, depending on her personality. Or even casually suggest getting coffee “sometime” if the man is shy and she’s outgoing. This way it still gives the man an opportunity to make the date and actually pursue.

Alicia
Guest
In total and full admission, the reason I don’t initiate relationships more is because I’m a bit lazy! Hear me out…when i was new to the dating scene 5 years ago, i had a lot of umph and sparkle in my attitude towards dating and initiating relationships. I was excited and optimistic and liberated in my new found single lifestyle. Today, my singleness has become an old friend…comfortable and somewhat predictable. Not necessarily a negative attribute but potentially could be! I will say, the few times I’ve initiated a date, the outcome went really really well. So, I feel some… Read more »
Shay
Guest

Trust, I’ve seen so many woman, taken advantage by men, who only want sex and leave the mother to raise a child on her own. Been hurt, and i’ve been hurt by circumstances that keeps my guard up and don’t want to take that chance. But lately i’ve been feeling a urge to make the first move and ask someone on a date and see what happens.

Kat
Guest
I would not have a problem with doing the asking if a man was friendly and showed any interest in me. I do believe that if a man is interested then he will ask. That kind of initiative is something that I look for. I know it’s just a date and all, I was married for 30 years to a man who couldn’t be bothered and I don’t care to be in that kind of relationship again. I was always taught to begin as you intend to continue. As far as the comments about people not asking someone out because… Read more »
JLL
Guest
Were these women or men? The percentages would be interesting to know. I am 38, I look like I am 28 or younger. I am average looking I would say. I have been interested in a few men in their 40s that are honestly average or less and they were not interested. They said they are looking for model looks and seem to only speak to women in their mid 20s. And these guys are the most Christian men I know. So…..I am finding it super hard to date in a world of superficiality and narcissism. I am only looking… Read more »
Hope
Guest
So, the church culture I grew up in is super conservative, like, only guys ask girls on dates, and many of the young couples I know married the only person they’ve ever dated. We are also taught to only date and marry within our culture (Russian Christian), and for my generation, we’re long on women, short on men. Try as I might, that early training is really sticking with me. I find it difficult to impossible to meet outside that church group, but there is no one I’m interested inside it. I think that’s my biggest problem, is lack of… Read more »
Edgar Duarte
Guest
I think the reason why I haven’t been asking or been asked out on a date is because there are no singles in the circle of Christians that I would spend time with. I say it like that because the Christians in my circle don’t even have time nowadays to be hanging out their all married and are too busy with their families to hang out. Therefore, I’m the only one left alone. Also, there aren’t too many young people around my age at my church, so there’s really no one to get to know in the dating aspect. Anybody… Read more »
Single in Europe
Guest
an observation… For centuries people have been marrying, the culture mainly allowing only the man to initiate, and most people married. The human race is still around and growing. But now that either can do the asking, at least in theory, there seem to be way more singles. I do not think this is Gods plan. Have a feeling it’s a problem that’s been created. Just an observation. In conjunction with this, previously, there were less options for any given person. Now, with our greatly broadened interactions through increased travel, and more convenient means of communication, there seems to be… Read more »
Single in Europe
Guest

Just to clarify…what I don’t think is Gods plan is for there to be so many singles who actually desire to marry.

It just seems that some Christians imply that if you are single that is Gods plan for you, when it may not be, it may be that I am missing Gods plan by following unhealthy or unbiblical limitations or ways of conduct and living.
If that is the case, I need healing and refocus–active trust in God, not to just be told to be content and wait passively for Gods plan to magically happen.

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