What NOT to Believe About Singleness

In Advice and Encouragement, Single by Debra Fileta34 Comments

Have you ever heard of a mental trap? Well, believe it or not, they exist.

Seemingly-innocent thought processes with some majorly dangerous power. They enter into our minds when we’re weak, discouraged, tired, angry, hurt, frustrated, or feeling alone. They creep their way into our thinking, and start wreaking havoc on the way we view and feel about ourselves and our lives.

Patterns of negative thinking that lead to nothing but frustration and pain.

At the risk of sounding “holier than thou”, let me start off by saying that even as a Professional Counselor, at some point in my life, I have uttered every one of the below phrases. Over the past decade, I’ve learned a lot about the power of my mind, and being careful the things I think about. It’s true that our thoughts have so much power over our feelings and behaviors…and in turn, the things that play out in our lives.

So, if you’re single and feeling frustrated, here are a few mental traps to avoid:

1. Is there something wrong with me? This mental trap is dangerous because it shifts the spotlight from God’s bigger picture- to you. It’s a seemingly innocent question that makes you start to doubt who you are and who God has made you to be. Soon enough, you find yourself struggling with your personality, body image, spiritual life, and feeling like you don’t measure up. Being single doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you- it simply means that there is a bigger picture unfolding in your life. It’s important to use this time to become healthy and whole, but never at the expense of degrading yourself.

2. Am I going to be single forever? I heard a statistic once that over 90% of the population will get married. I don’t know if that’s accurate or not, but it’s funny how much comfort that truth brings to some people. But true or not, this question is a mental trap because it causes you to dwell on the worst-case scenario of your future, rather than tuning into all the good that is happening in your life here and now. God is bigger than statistics, and knows exactly what you need. I’ve interacted with hundreds of people who have learned that God’s best plan for their lives was always better than their best plan, no matter what that plan entailed. So turn this worry into a prayer because He knows what you need, and trust God with your tomorrow.

3. Why does everyone else have someone to love? This mental trap is dangerous in that it magnifies the good in other’s lives, and minimizes the good in our own. Even beyond “relationship status”, we can wind up doing this with so many things in life: looking at the good all around us- but failing to see the good inside of us. God calls you to look up, at what He is doing in your life, and to look around at all He has given you. Don’t allow your thinking to fall into these extremes of seeing what everyone else seemingly has…because your perspective of their lives is not the full truth.

4. Is God punishing me? It’s easy to wonder if God has something against you when you’re struggling with a particular stage of life. But this mental trap is so dangerous because it challenges the very characteristic of God: GOODNESS. No matter how we feel or what is going on in our lives, we need to hold on to the truth that God is GOOD, that He is FOR US, and that His plans for our lives are better than we could EXPECT or IMAGINE. Nothing is truer than that. God doesn’t “punish” His children in wrath, but protects them, shepherds them, and leads them in love. Rather than allowing these lies and worries to taint our perspective of God, we need to focus on who He actually is and remember His great promises to take care of us.

As a Christian and therapist I truly believe that so much of how we live comes down to what we think. May God begin to challenge, heal, and transform our minds – and in turn- the quality of our lives….today.

***Did you know that certain beliefs could be keeping you from engaging in a healthy relationship? Learn about the 7 lies that can have this impact (and how to overcome them!), by signing up for my NEW program today!!***

“This program is bringing to light lies I didn’t even know I was believing! There is freedom in truth!!” 

Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, national speaker, and author of True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life21 Days to Jump Start Your Love Life, and 21 Days to Pray For Your Love Life – where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. You may also recognize her voice from her 150+ articles at Relevant Magazine or Crosswalk.com! She’s also the creator of this True Love Dates Blog!  Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter or book a session with her today!

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34 Comments on "What NOT to Believe About Singleness"

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kudah
Guest

Oh wow. Just perfect 🙂

Aimee
Guest

I struggle more with “has God forgotten about me?” and, “does He really have a plan for my life?” more than “is He punishing me?”…but I think they all get to the same base issue-doubt or unbelief that God is who He says He is. Great post, Debra!

Jessy
Guest

Top of the morning to all,

Debra one of the main reasons I subscribe to your views is because you have it backed up by paperwork- the Holy Scriptures.
1. ” for as he thinks in his heart so is he” Proverbs 23:7
2. ” Death and life are in the power of the tongue” Proverbs 18:21
3. ” Finally brethren whatsoever things are true, honest, just, lovely, of good report…..think on these things” Philippians 4:8

Thanks Debra.

Ruthie
Guest

Thank you!

Jennifer
Guest

Really needed this reminder, Debra…thank you so much!

norma
Guest

Woöoow u just made my day, and hey so as mylife, I was thinking that I am cursed asking myself until answered questions, but after reading this I am strong and I believe that God has good plans than mine. Thank you thank you

John
Guest

I was happily Married to a most wonderful lady for 44 years before she was taken from me through Parkinson’s…now thirteen years after she passed away here at home, lying next to me, I wonder every day…Now What?? It seems that all emphasis in your discussions never consider those of us ‘older folks’, who are still alive, after experiencing so many years being “Happily Married” but have lost our spouses to death…I’m just wondering, “Where do I go from here…??”. Wish someone would ‘write a book, or sponsor a website for us…(:-))

Alvin
Guest

I really feel for you John. I hope Deb sees this and responds to you. I remember the words of Shakespeare(I think..): “It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.”

God bless you.

Alvin
Guest

Powerful article Deb thanks for sharing!

Brittany Burton
Guest

I love all of your articles and book! They are truly a blessing!

Cherise
Guest

Just found your blog, your articles are a blessing!!

Thank you for sharing your Godly wisdom!!!

Lisa Murray
Guest

Debra,
Thanks for the reminder! Whether single or married, we can never become complacent with our thoughts. It is a daily practice to take thoughts captive, and learn to speak God’s truth to them. No matter how we feel, we can trust that God is good, He is for us, we can trust Him not only with today, but with our future!

Thanks again,
Lisa Murray
lisamurrayonline.com

alli
Guest

I def thought something was wrong w me. Im single bc God has cursed me. Bc of the sins of the father. But maybe He has another plan. Not too worried about it.

Jonathan
Guest

Great article! God cares about romance?

Greg
Guest

I’d love to see Scripture that states that God cares about romance…and evidence that backs it up. Truth is, God only cares about the spiritual health of our hearts. If you question that, there’s plenty of evidence in reality pointing to believers the world over who have virtually nothing but salvation in Christ.

Greg
Guest
Just some thoughts on each point you made: 1. Is there something wrong with me? – We should indeed try not to blame ourselves, because there are (sadly) plenty of people who are happy to do that for us…’giving us advice’ and pointing out our flaws, failures, and reasons why we’re still single. In my own experience, many of these people are Christians. 2. Am I going to be single forever? – This one is kind of like “Two-Face” in Batman: God’s sovereignty vs. the widow pestering the judge to get the justice she wanted (Luke 18:1-8). Since truth isn’t… Read more »
Truth
Guest
True story. My cousin and his friend went to a Church dance many years ago which he saw this girl that he fell in love with, and he told his friend that he was going to marry this girl which he really did. And now they’re starting their 43rd year together with two grown children, and their older son is now married with a daughter of their own. I myself was married at one time before my wife of 15 years Cheated on me which i was a very good husband, and now all alone and Single again certainly Sucks… Read more »
Jamin
Guest
This post is so awesome! Deb, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked myself “Is there something wrong with me?” I’ve faced a decent amount of rejection in asking women out, and it’s made me feel pretty terrible about myself in the past. That’s all that question does. It just makes you miserable and does nothing to move you forward. I’m in my early 20s about to graduate college in May (Praise the Lord!). My last relationship was my freshman year, over four years ago. That relationship hurt me in a lot of ways, but it also taught… Read more »
De
Guest

Ditto to what John said! Married at 18, stayed for 42 years, divorced and have no clue what I am doing out here dating! Your writings have helped this over 60 woman feel like she has a few bearings in her life! Thank you and I look forward to the “older folks” version in dating!!! Btw…. Hurry because unlike you young ones, we do not have as much time to watch things flourish!

Ron
Guest

Well the way that i look at it God punished many of us with Singleness, and i really had hoped that i was going to be married with a family which God Blessed so many others to have, and what about us Good men that certainly would’ve wanted that too?

Ron
Guest
Hello Debra, i believe that with so many women nowadays that are very high maintenance, independent, selfish, and very spoiled, certainly has a lot to do with it as to why there are so many of us Good men out there that are still Single as i speak since many of us are Not single by choice. With so many women that have their Careers today, really speaks for itself when years ago many men and women had to really struggle to make ends meat which it was certainly a lot different in those days. Most women and men back… Read more »
terryzane
Guest
First time on.. I learn from others what they say on these subjects. I too am waiting for My father in Heaven to allow me to be married before I die. Im a Army Veteran, now a Pastor, teacher, mentor and walk in Jesus Footsteps, And I teach Bible studies to many who are hurting. I don’t do church. People needs to have a one on one understanding about The Bible. very few truly explains. I agree with everyone on this. Im not looking for a woman, but a REAL WOMAN. Big difference. In 60 years old and in very… Read more »
Jayla
Guest
Those were great points, and very true. When I have self doubt, I read the bible and God always guides me to bible verses that remind me of his love and devotion to me, and what I mean to me. He reminds me of the ultimate sacrifice of his only son for my life. I’m reminded that he’s kept me in the midst of many storms, and he’s always been everything that I need. That helps me to make it through. I pray that God continues to bless you, and use you to reach, teach, and inspire people. We are… Read more »
Melissa
Guest

Love this article! Thank you for posting it Debra! Those are very common mental traps and I can relate from past experience.

Kyle
Guest
Since this was in my inbox today, I’m going to comment on it because I can say pretty much three of four apply to how I feel so I understand why people think and feel this way. Of course, this is coming from a guy’s perspective so some might not apply as much to women. It does seem like some of those who commented earlier (yes, I know those were back in 2014) don’t really get it. 1. Is there something wrong with me? No one starts out believing this; it builds up very gradually overtime. Perhaps your family was… Read more »
Brad
Guest

Exactly ……. what Kyle says……

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