7 Things Men Need to Know About Women

In Advice and Encouragement, Engagement, For the Guys, Marriage by Debra Fileta9 Comments

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. We’ve heard that kind of language for ages.

From childhood rhymes, to contemporary literature, to psychological textbooks, people have been talking about the differences between men and women. We’re obsessed with identifying the things that make us uniquely “man”, or “woman”.

As a Professional Counselor,  I’ve enjoyed learning and reading about all these gender theories. But the cold, hard truth about our male-female differences jumped off the page and into my life right after I got married.

Before I begin, I’ll be the first to say that stereotypes can’t and don’t apply to all. There are many men and women (my husband and I included) that don’t fall into all the typical categories that are generally assigned to male and female. God made us each unique, and in our uniqueness, we can’t and won’t always fit the mold.

Yet, even so, I couldn’t help but notice some of the innate differences between my husband and I. From the basics of how  we get ready in the morning, to the complexities of our relational needs – we’ve definitely learned a lot about one another along the way.

The next two blog posts are a mini-crash course dedicated to the glorious, hilarious, beautiful differences between most men and women. The information presented in these posts may not apply to everyone, but instead,  they’re meant to be observations gathered from both my personal and professional life, and in working with and hearing from both genders along the way.

We’ll start with some observations about women that every man needs to know….

What Men Need to Know About Women

1. We don’t want you to fix it-  we just want you to listen. There’s no concept I’ve had to explain more as a Marriage Therapist than this one right here. A simple, “Sounds like you’ve had a really hard day” goes so much farther than, “Here’s what you should do to make it better”. Women just want to feel validated, supported, and heard…unless maybe there’s a nail sticking out of our head (Click here to watch one of my favorite laugh-out-loud videos about this;)

2. We appreciate the little things. Believe it or not, when it comes to impressing us, you don’t have to go big or go home. This applies to all things, because what we’re really looking for is thoughtfulness. Kind words, meaningful touch, small acts of service- your love is best communicated in the details. When my husband walks in the door with a beautiful flower he picked along the way, it melts my heart more than 10 dozen roses ever could- because he thought of me in the most unexpected moment. The little things often say the most.

3. Don’t mistake our tears for weakness.  Early on in our dating relationship and marriage, John had to get used to my tears. Growing up with all brothers conditioned him to the idea that tears equal sadness- so seeing my tears of anger, excitement, frustration and joy took some getting used to. And that’s not to mention “that time of month” tears, “just having one of those days” tears, and “I have no idea why I’m crying” tears. Men, as you learn to understand these tears, remember that they are not a sign of weakness- but a sign of strength. The strength to be real, vulnerable, and genuine. The strength to be passionate and compassionate, and the strength to actually feel.

4. We wake up looking a whole lot different than when we went to bed. No matter how many psychology and counseling courses I’ve taken, books I’ve read, research projects I’ve participated in- I still can’t seem to figure out why in the world we women wake up looking like crazy-zombie-people, while our husbands look even cuter. Somehow, we decompose through the night to an almost unrecognizable state in the morning.  It’s something I feel that all men should know so they have an idea of exactly what it is they’re getting into 😉 (Oh, but don’t worry…according to my husband, it’s not nearly as bad as I make it sound. See Post #2 for the male’s perspective on this one!)

5. The worst thing you can do to get us to calm down, is to tell us to relax. In fact, there’s probably no other word that could get us more riled up! What is it about the word relax that drives us so looney? Not sure, but most women I talk to feel the exact same way. Whether it’s “relax” or some other hot button word- remember to always handle us with care.

6. We want to be your partner – not your mother. Women have the unhealthy tendency of taking care of the men in their lives – and then resenting them. The truth is, we were made to nurture, but in marriage and in healthy relationships, that nurturing needs to be played out in the context of a give-and-take relationship. We want to serve, yet we also need to be served. We want to give, but we also need to feel that we’re receiving. We want to be able to take care of our man, but just as much, we want to feel that he’s taking good care of us.

7. We think a man’s most attractive quality- is his heart. No matter what other messages this world may feed you-  don’t ever lose sight of this most important thing. Your faith, purity, character, honesty and integrity are more meaningful to any good woman than all else you could offer her.  Our culture might make you feel like good guys come out last – but it’s those good guys that we women want to spend the rest of our lives with. (See What Women REALLY Want in a Man).

It’s true that men and women can often see life in different ways, but the beauty of different perspectives, is that they lend themselves to us doing life together. Here’s to God’s creativity, a creativity that is seen through our genders, in our personalities, and among all of our relationships.

Stay tuned for the next post to find out What Women Need to Know About Men! What are some things about women you think men should know?

Comment Below: Women, what are some things about you that you wish men would know?

Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, national speaker, and author of the book True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life. You may also recognize her voice from her 100+ articles at Relevant Magazine or Crosswalk.com! She’s also the creator of this True Love Dates Blog, where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love! Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter

Additional Resources:

1. Are you ready for Love? Take my FREE Quiz right now to find out! 

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3. The #1 Mistake singles reported making last year was not taking a risk to start a relationship! Why do Christians tend to be so passive when it comes to relationships? Join hundreds of other singles and take a course that will teach you the top lessons I’ve learned in my career as a Relationship Counselor, and totally change your love-life in 21 Days! Learn more: 21-Day Program to Jump Start Your Love-Life!

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“I still can’t seem to figure out why in the world we women wake up looking like crazy-zombie-people, while our husbands look even cuter.”

I think it has to do with the fact that women simply put more work into their appearance (hair, makeup, etc. for example) that gets ruined in bed; whereas men don’t. As an aside, thanks for the compliment on looking cute, but every unshaved guy I’ve seen looks pretty tacky IMO, and uncombed hair looks unkempt on men and women. 🙁

But I refuse to believe that women aren’t beautiful when they wake up…makeup and hair notwithstanding. 🙂


We need to hear you love us and appreciate us. Dont assume we just know, even if we know we want to hear it.

We dont have a nothing box, our brains just keeping going, constant lists, things to do, stresses etc. We really do not mind if you come home and need a break from work, we want to give you rest and take care of you. But momma needs some me time too. Momma needs to unwind in order to keep being the best woman for her family. Help her have some time to destress each week too.


#4. HAHAHA. I look like a troll in the morning 😉

I think one thing that men misinterpret sometimes is that women may want a man to be chivalrous, opening doors, walking on the street side of the sidewalk, holding our hands or arm, or putting their hand on our back guiding us, but that doesn’t equal old fashioned or submissive. It’s just respectful and nice. Also, I fully agree with the little things meaning so much. If he picked up my favorite candy bar because he saw it in the store and knew I’d like it, brought home flowers for “no reason”, or just called to see how my day… Read more »

Number 7 is definitely key. Guys who are kind and respectful and who are true friends are so much more appreciated (and attractive) than guys who are just over the top flirting or inappropriate (and thus annoying).


Debra, as you know, I am a HUGE FAN of yours!! I love your materials.

I have been following your articles for some time, and I have been processing some critiques about the gender binary theme you often take.

I decided to write some of them down in the form of a response article. I’d love to hear what you think, and I’m not trying to troll you or offend you.

This may be more in the getting-to-know-you phase, but I think men see us take initiative in anything and they automatically take a back seat. NO! Just because you see us take initiative in something, doesn’t mean we want to take initiative or take charge in EVERYTHING. If you see us making an effort to communicate, in spending time together, in making a nice meal, whatever it may be, come along side us, complement that initiative, show us you care and it matters to you too. Don’t leave all the work to us just because it was us that got… Read more »

Interesting… we have light gender differences in atheist communities, but differences seem exaggerated in Christianity. I agree painfully with #6, but am perplexed by some others. #1- What adult wants to ruminate pointlessly? I want actual solutions offered! #3 I don’t know women who cry much unless they’ve been abused. I never cry- maybe its cultural. Would you say Christian women are more sensitive?


Hate to say this but nice guys always finish last?