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Trusting God When You’ve Never Been Asked Out

Trusting God When You’ve Never Been Asked Out

The following is a guest post by my behind-the-scenes helper at truelovedates.com, Molly Jasinski.  This is a post she shared with me about the important lessons she’s learned during this time in her life.  I thought it was worth sharing.  Please give it a read, and leave her some feedback!

I’ve never turned down a date. Because I’ve never been asked out on one.   

This is something very few people know about me. It’s a fact I have kept hidden up to this point, be it out of embarrassment or shame or just in an attempt to avoid awkward questions.

But it’s true. No boyfriend, ever.  And I’m almost 26. (You can insert an “ouch” here if you so desire.)

There have definitely been times where it hurts. It hurts to go to those holiday parties where everyone brings a significant other except you. It hurts when people basically pat you on the head and say unhelpful things, such as “It’ll happen when you’re not looking.” It hurts when you see yet ANOTHER engagement photo on Facebook.

For a good number of years I had a “woe is me” attitude.  Heaps and heaps of self-pity and loathing, wondering what was wrong with me and what should I fix. But it hurts most in those moments where you have too much alone time, too much time to think. In those moments, the loneliness can just ache, and you start to wonder if that ache will ever go away. I had a PLAN of what my life was supposed to look like when I was 24, and nothing has happened the way I had imagined.

I’d be completely lying if I tried to say, “Oh, it’s never been that much of an issue” or “Oh, I’m just interested in dating Jesus.” One of those answers is false, and one is just weird.

But when I think about my time as a single person, I realize there are three particular lessons God has taught me through this period of waiting:

1.  God’s plans are better than mine. One verse I’ve often clung to is Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Notice how it does not say “plans for your future which has to include a husband or you’ll never meet your life’s purpose.” Yet for years (and still occasionally on a day-to-day basis), I would unconsciously contort or add that part in my mind.

But lately I’’ve been given so much clarity and peace from God about my years of singleness. I can now see that a dating relationship earlier in my life wouldn’t have been right timing. I had a lot of growing up to do as I figured out who I was as an individual. I am so much more comfortable with myself now at 25 than I was at 16, 18, or even 24. I moved around a lot in my early 20s, first for college and then for different internships and jobs. Those experiences forced me to branch out, meet new people, and try different things. I became a more confident, fun-loving, adventurous person because I forced myself to live life beyond my initial dreams, and none of that would have happened if I would have just followed my plan for my life.

2.  There is a joy in being single.  I know, it sure doesn’t feel like it at times. Let me explain: I observe my married friends all the time. Yes, they get to enjoy an awesome relationship, romantic dates, life dreams, and all that jazz, but they also have to rely on each other, make decisions together, and occasionally disagree passionately with each other. When you’re single, you and you alone call the shots. If I want to go on a vacation, I go. If I want to go buy something, I can buy it. You get the idea. There’s also a lot more time for my personal relationship with God–I don’t have to consider someone else’s schedule when it comes to my quiet time with God, going to my Bible study, or even my commitment to my church’s children’s ministry. There’s a significant freedom in being single that is often overlooked and under-enjoyed.

3.  God cares, really.  It’s easy to take our eyes off God when the sadness creeps in and threatens to steal the joy in life. Whether it’s because of a lack of a love life or something else, those times can cause you to become discouraged and wonder where God is. But Deuteronomy 31:6 says, “He will never leave you nor forsake you.”

I’ve experienced this more times than I can count, but I definitely experienced this when I moved 1,500 miles away from home (and my family) for a new job. I didn’t know anyone and had never been to my new city before I moved. I was terrified of leaving my family and being all alone, even though God had shown me this was what He wanted for me. But He didn’t leave me on my own–He provided me a great roommate through my new church, and she in turn introduced me to her Bible study, which provided me a family away from family for two years. He is always near, always constant, always loving, even when we don’t see it initially.

I’ve learned a lot from being single. Through all these lessons, I can confidently say that I am looking forward to 2014. Whether this new year brings me a boyfriend at long last or not, I know He holds the future in His hands, and that knowledge gives me hope and peace. If you’re in a similar situation, hang in there, trust in Him, and know that you’re not alone! Let’s make 2014 our year for big things and wholeheartedly following Him.

Molly Jasinski is passionate about a lot of things, including serving Jesus, helping with behind-the-scenes work on TrueLoveDates.com, spending time with family and friends, and cheering for the Green Bay Packers. You can follow her stream-of-consciousness thoughts on her personal blog or Twitter.

39 Comments

  1. Ganise · January 5, 2014 Reply

    Yes! I love that :-) I’m 17 and I’ve never been asked out. I mostly believe it’s because I am not opened to the idea right now. I’ve shamelessly told friends that I’m using this season to grow – spiritually, most of all. I realize that I have so much to learn but I agree with you – singleness really hurts, sometimes. However, I also agree that there’s joy in being single! Lots of joy.Love spending my time with God, with family and friends, learning to live life to the fullest! I don’t know if by the time I’m in my twenties God will bless my with a life-partener but I do know that I’m realizing how ridiculous it is to make a husband my life-goal and ultimately my only source of happiness. Trusting God’s plan, too. :D Thank you so much for sharing!

    • Molly · January 6, 2014 Reply

      Ganise,

      Thanks for your comment! You have such a great and positive outlook on this season of life–good for you, girl! I’m sure God will bring someone special into your life at exactly the right time. :)

  2. Brenda · January 6, 2014 Reply

    What a great article, Molly! Society puts so much emphasis (wrongly) on dating and getting involved at such an early age. Although I grew up in a Christian family, my mom and dad never gave me many boundaries. I was dating an 18 year old at the age of 13. Yes, so not good. A very bad idea.

    I made many foolish mistakes, all of which would have never happened had I stepped back and really worked on developing who I was as a young adult, without the added pressure of dating. You see, I only saw my value through the eyes of the men I dated, as opposed to seeing how much God values me.

    You are so wise to wait on God’s timing. He is never wrong! I love Jeremiah 29:11-13 and God has done amazing things with my life including birthing in me a new ministry to teen girls. God bless you, dear sister in Christ!

  3. Katy · January 6, 2014 Reply

    Perfect! Thanks for these reminders and encouragement!!

    Love,
    An inpatient, single, 24-year-old

  4. A · January 6, 2014 Reply

    Molly I got to say that your story is amazing and I could definitely relate to it because I’m single and I hate being that way. I want to do anything for love like when you hear the song, “Oh I would do anything for love,” even putting her before me no matter what but as a single guy, that hurts quite a bit because I feel worthless when I’m single and I base it on the way I look. For a while now, I haven’t found myself attractive. I’m over weight, I barely have any money so trying to lose weight is out of the question and I lack a lot of confidence. I hear many times that’s what girls want in a guy but personally I don’t want a girl to marry me for those specific qualities because those qualities don’t define me. I’m 20 so I should should enjoy my singleness more or so I keep on hearing from everybody but I’m seeing people getting married at my age and it pains me to feel that I’m still alone and have not found that one yet. As I’m pursuing God, the feeling of being lonely is growing less and less. I’m being more hopeful and less persistent of a woman. I’m not saying that it’s bad to pursue the one, it’s just depressing when you’re still single. I’m getting baptized in a week so I believe that things will change for the greater.

    • Raquel · January 6, 2014 Reply

      I understand what that’s like, not exactly but similar. I just want to say that your story really touched me. I am 20 and single and a close friend is engaged. Also I get jealous of people who are dating sometimes. I’ll pray for you A and the people above. I’m also trying to see the beauty in me. Pursuing God is a good thing to do. I congratulate you on your baptism. If only I could see it. Well one more thing is that even though I’ve never met you or seen you, you are beautiful and handsome and lovely to me :) really

    • Molly · January 6, 2014 Reply

      I love how you said that the feeling of being lonely is growing less and less the more you pursue God. It’s so true. The times I feel the most down about being single is when I allow myself to get too much in my own head and lose my focus on what God has planned for me.

      I’ve struggled with many of the same things you mentioned in your comment, so you’re not alone. The toughest years for me personally were the college years–my college had a BIG emphasis on “find your soulmate here!” and that never happened for me, so when I saw everyone from college get engaged over holiday breaks, it was difficult to feel like I even belonged there. All that to say, I can see now what God was teaching me during that time, so just keep praying and looking to Him!

  5. Simone · January 6, 2014 Reply

    Molly, thank you for being brave and writing this. I praise God that you did. It’s only when we write and when we read that we realize that we’re not alone. This post could very well have been written by me. I can honestly say I know how you feel. I’m 26 in one month. I’ve only been asked out once — when I was 20. Since then, men have shown some interest I guess, but yup — I find myself in my mid-twenties and I’ve never had a boyfriend or been on a real date. I have since recently let go of all of the dreams and plans I have for my life and I’m just gonna float for a while — kinda like Noah’s ark — and drift wherever the Holy Spirit wants to take me. He is faithful, and He can be trusted. I’m speaking from experience. Somehow, someway, things aren’t as tragic and hopeless as they may seem and we will both be okay — maybe even married one day.

    • Molly · January 6, 2014 Reply

      Thanks so much for your comment, Simone. I feel like we’re kindred spirits. :) So awesome that you’re open to whatever God has planned for you–I’m excited for you!

  6. Melody · January 6, 2014 Reply

    Great post, Molly.

    I spent almost all of my 20s being single. No one asked me out and that was embarrassing. There also wasn’t anyone I really wanted to ask me out though, which simultaneously made me feel better about not getting asked out and hopeless about ever meeting the right guy.

    There were certainly some incredibly lonely moment there.

    But mostly I had a lot, a lot of fun.

    I realize that’s supposed to be a sentence about how much it freed me up to serve God (and it did), but that never felt super encouraging to me. What encouraged me was actual happiness – and I’ve had a lot of it.

  7. Anyanwu Ijeoma Esther · January 6, 2014 Reply

    Thanks molly for sharing this and encouraging me. I’ll be 34 in a few weeks and its been hell. Imagine what its like being the only one of my friends not married or in a relationship,being attracted the wrong kind of people and being labelled choosy. At a time i’d thought God hated me, self pity,complecacy, envy took over. I hardly go to church,read my bible nor pray again and it hurts. I wish to get things straight with God again.

    • Molly · January 7, 2014 Reply

      So sorry to hear you’ve been having such a hard time! But I do understand how you’re feeling. The majority of my friends have been married for several years and have children now. It’s hard to not feel like life is passing you by when everyone is moving past you and you thought you’d be where they are now.

      You mentioned wanting to reconnect with God, and that’s great! I really do think it’ll make the difference in your outlook on life. I went through a period of about a year where I wasn’t reading the Bible or praying really on a regular basis, and it was the most difficult year for me. I felt depressed often about my relationship status and semi shut myself off from a lot of people who wanted to help. But God is always there and knows your heart better than you do. I suggest searching out His Word, asking Him for the ability to trust Him, find a way to get involved in your local church, etc. It’s been the turning point for me. Praying for you!

  8. MJ · January 6, 2014 Reply

    I’m glad you came out of the closet as a never-dater. I’m betting there’s a lot more of you… and many that never intentionally kissed dating goodbye. Sharing with daters, never-daters and non-daters alike over at the Future Marriage University community.

    • Debra Fileta
      Debra Fileta · January 6, 2014 Reply

      I love this comment, MJ. A friend of mine says, “I kissed dating goodbye…because of my insecurities, fears, and self-esteem issues…” You nailed it with that thought. May God continue to bring healing into all of our lives…daters, and non-daters, alike!

    • Molly · January 6, 2014 Reply

      Ha, love the way you phrased that first sentence, MJ! (Great initials, by the way.) Following your page now!

  9. Molly · January 6, 2014 Reply

    There’s absolutely nothing wrong with also finding the happiness with this time of our lives! Our God is a God of joy!

  10. Asali · January 7, 2014 Reply

    Thanks so much Molly for sharing your story.i was truly blessed by your post.i was encouraged to know that there are brethren going through the same situation as i have been.im 45 and your story is my story in my 20s and 30s. i went through a period when i lost all hope (Hope had been for sure sooo….soo deferred and i was heartbroken) of ever dating or meeting “the one that God had for me, after praying and waiting for years” i decided i was the one not taking the initiative and got into 3 disastrous complicated relationships in a period of 8 years, each of which i thought was “the one”.while in the relationships i would ask God continuously to confirm whether he was the one and each time God said NO!!!. Heaven must have been so fed up with me during that time.Finally last year I very painfully walked away from the third relationship and for a time i felt like i had died on the inside and concluded that i probably was not meant to get married but i thank God because He has filled me with hope again because He does have a plan for me .im now waiting upon Him while preparing myself once again for God’s will for my life.This time round im older and wiser in Him.Glory to God!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Molly · January 8, 2014 Reply

      Wow, your story is so inspiring to me, Asali! Thank you for sharing, and I’ll be praying for you!

  11. Kat · January 9, 2014 Reply

    Oh, Molls – we’ve got lots in common! Thankful for it too (1 Cor. 10:13). Debra’s blog and your post definitely causes me to confront areas of my singleness that my pride doesn’t let me talk about. It even encouraged me to blog about this so thanks again for sharing your heart. And to Debra, for you ministry!

    Gal. 6:9

    • Molly · January 9, 2014 Reply

      Thank you so much for sharing, Kat! I read your blog post on your personal blog, and it was wonderful. So glad the Lord brought us together to share our common experience. I’ll be praying for you!

  12. Naiomi · January 12, 2014 Reply

    Hi Molly,
    Thanks so much for sharing your story. It is very similar to mine. I turned 30 without having ever been asked out, and I felt like such a loser and dreaded anyone asking me about it, it seemed so embarrassing.
    It is so awesome that you are sharing the truths God has been teaching you, as there are so many lies out there about singleness that can really drag you down. People in the church can also be really “helpful” and give you lots of well-meaning advise that seems to reinforce the message that you are single because there is something wrong with you. That is SO contrary to Scripture which really upholds and values singleness, if that is where God wants you right now.
    God did bring someone amazing into my life at the perfect time and it completely reinforced to me what He had been telling me all along: He alone knows best.
    At the end of the day, whether you are single or married you are of infinite value, and the most important place for anyone to be right now is exactly where God wants you to be.

    • Molly · January 13, 2014 Reply

      Thank you so much for sharing, Naiomi! Your story is so wonderful, and I’m totally in agreement with what you said. Blessings!

    • Teresa · January 21, 2014 Reply

      I don’t know their dating histories, but I had a priest and a professor who were still single at 36 and 50, respectively (he was the older one, she was the younger one), but found each other after reconciling to singleness and are now married very happily with their gorgeous 6-year-old (adopted) daughter! There is definitely possibility for change even after you’ve given up or think you’re “too old”.

  13. Ross · January 13, 2014 Reply

    Nice share Molly. I can just imagine how challenging it must be to be upbeat about ” not dating” when many around are actually dating. Are you against asking someone out though?

    • Molly · January 14, 2014 Reply

      Thanks for the comment, Ross! I’m not necessarily against asking someone out, but I guess I would prefer to be asked/the opportunity has never really presented itself. But it’s something to ponder!

      • Teresa · January 21, 2014 Reply

        There’s also something to be said for online dating. It’s weird at first, and has definite downsides, but you also get to know people who are expressly looking for a relationship as well, and it can expose you to people you wouldn’t have met otherwise.

  14. R · January 13, 2014 Reply

    Molly, I’ve been raised in a christian home and love and serve Christ, but at 25 years old At times I had more or less convinced myself that I must be one of very few. Like you I’ve often felt embarrassed over this and had often thought that God maybe had forgotten about my desire to be a wife and be in a godly marriage. In all these years of waiting so far I have never heard anyone tell of their experience. So I want to thank you. I can agree with every point you’ve made. This time has helped refine me more than I ever thought it would but we have to be willing. And who knows like you said 2014 could be the year that it all changes – God knows and God cares. Thanks a million xxxx

    • Molly · January 14, 2014 Reply

      Thanks for sharing your story with me, R. It was hard to write this post because I was afraid I was alone and that no one would understand where I was coming from, but it turns out I’m not alone and neither are you! I know 2014 will hold great things for both of us because God truly does know best. Hugs!

  15. Teresa · January 21, 2014 Reply

    For context, I’m 22, and have dated four different guys since the age of 15, so I suppose it seems like I haven’t had too many issues with getting asked out/having guys say yes when I aske them out. And yet, I’ve had at least two guys turn me down when I asked them out (I’m all for equal-opportunity here), and have had at least a dozen non-replies to my online dating forays. My last relationship fell apart because his heart was committed elsewhere still (he didn’t tell me this, despite the fact that the relationship had ended in the last year and was very serious) and thus wasn’t able to fall in love with me…this is a hard thing to face.

    But through this – through being dumped, dumping, being rejected, having an amazing guy just simply not fall for me and coming out the other end single yet again – I am learning that I’ve made a relationship and a marriage an idol in my life. Yes, there can be great joy in marriage. But it doesn’t “make you happy”. I was trying to make my life happen the way -I- had it planned out (married by 25, kids by 30), and our plans for ourselves are never as good or rich as God’s plans for us. Sometimes they match up, but that’s a happy coincidence, and we need to give up our control to God. My happiness has really nothing to do with my relationship status. Getting married, which I still yearn for, is not going to change who I am, how I think and feel, or how happy I am, in the long run. It isn’t going to change all the other ministries I am called to, or my vocation, or the fact that I am called to be a Servant and love my neighbour and my God. It is these things we have to prioritize, even if we are still yearning for romantic companionate love while we focus on them. There’s a saying that I kind of hate but it sort of applies here…that our hearts should be so focussed on God that our future spouse has to go through God first to find and capture our hearts (I got it sort of wrong, but that’s the general idea).

    Thank you for this article. Trust is such a huge lesson.

    • Abbie · March 8, 2014 Reply

      I love that saying that you mentioned at the end! I am figuring that out myself and it has recently become my goal. My focus has been in the wrong place all along. Thanks for your comment, it was very encouraging :)

  16. Teresa · January 21, 2014 Reply

    Oh also, I HIGHLY recommend reading “Singles at the Crossroads” by Albert Hsu. It’s got a great perspective on what it means to be called to singlehood, either for a brief time or a lifetime. I found great comfort in it.

  17. Connor · February 3, 2014 Reply

    Although I’m a guy and do the asking out part myself, I can honestly say I’ve never had a girlfriend or even a “successful” date (one that didn’t end with one of the parties involved leaving halfway through or something like that). I’m 20 right now (about to hit 21), and I honestly thought that by now I’d at least be closer to some form of dating relationship, but my luck has not held up.

    I’m completely terrified of being single and 30 – or, worse, single and 40 – but I can’t help but think it’s going to happen. Yes, I know I’m twenty years old, but if my track record is anything to go by, then the future doesn’t look good in the slightest. And yeah, I get that we’re not defined by our pasts thanks to God, but there doesn’t seem to be a whole lot of breaking away from the past in my life – dating or otherwise. More than anything, it feels like my past is corrupting the future. And it sucks.

  18. Kathryn · March 2, 2014 Reply

    I’m 38 and I’ve never dated.

    I’m not married I also can’t have kids
    I feel like an inadequate loser in life !!!

    I was told by some person God called me to be single and others told me Jesus is my bf and husband . No he’s not !

  19. Kathryn · March 2, 2014 Reply

    What I’m having a very hard time With is when other people say ” God handpicked their spouse ” well that makes me feel very slighted by God

    There has been no joy at all for me in being single . I’m tired of feeling forced by others to tell those who think that singleness is a gift that I feel the same way well I don’t nor do I ever have to

    I feel left out. !!! Very very very left out and have felt this way since 1987 !!!!

    I’m also fed up With this being content with being single bunk

    I hate how there seems to be a requirement of singles to enjoy being single . I’m not get over it !!

  20. Abbie · March 8, 2014 Reply

    Wow, I feel like I was just faced with my own inner feelings. I just turned 26 a month ago. I’m pretty much in the same boat and it is incredibly hard. In fact, it gets harder the older I get. I used to be ok with it. However, I can’t help but question what is wrong with me. I recently managed to date a guy for the first time ever for about a month and a half and most of the time it was rocky emotionally for me. It was rather difficult since he lives out of town for his work. He sadly has some issues going on in his life that I could not ignore and after much thought I decided to break it off with him. My decision was based on the fact that I could not compromise something important in order to get the one thing in life that I desire. While I know that I made the right decision, it did not stop me from taking it incredibly hard…especially since I broke it off the week of my 26th birthday. Worst birthday…ever. I found myself analyzing it all trying to figure out why he was the way he was and even found that I was taking the single life extra hard. After 5 weeks of piecing together the puzzle in my brain, I was finding that many of the questions that I wanted to ask of him were questions that I could really turn on myself but in a different aspect. I am discovering that I need to be analyzing why I am the way I am and finding out who I am. I thought I knew myself, but really I think there is much more to discover. There are things that I need to be discovering about myself in a relationship with God. I was so set on asking this guy where he was finding his fulfillment in life and then I realized that I also was not finding fulfillment in my life in the right places. While I am not doing the things that he is choosing to do with his life, I am still choosing to go about my life without any thought of God or desire to have a daily relationship with God. In the past 5 weeks I have been able to finally come to an understanding about this guy. It doesn’t give him any excuse, but I understand what’s making him do the things he’s doing. The sad part is that I probably understand him more than I understand myself at this moment. Time to turn the tables on myself. I am learning to trust God in what He has planned for me in my life.

  21. Kathryn · March 15, 2014 Reply

    I’m not at all sorry to say this but it’s not fair of God at all to provide some with spouses but not all !

  22. Shell T · April 14, 2014 Reply

    Hello Molly!

    I enjoyed your blog! I can say it gave me an uplift! : ) I’m pretty much the same…never had a boyfriend, not been asked out on an “actual” date… the same questions about myself you had..only difference is…I’m 44 & virgin. Also love God immensely! Begin the age that I am it can get quite difficult at times….but I know God is writing the best love for me. I have learned to live my life to to fullest! I have traveled the world. I recent came back from vacation about 3 weeks in the UK! It was a lifetime dream come true!! I’m actively working on opening my own restaurant! Cooking is my PASSION! Even with all that…..Is still have those moments of…..When? How long? And where is he? I know God didn’t allow me to be kept this long for no reason…I know my life is meant to be an example to women & young girls..that you can keep the gift of yourself for your husband….I have given my testimony at length to women/girls & the things I had to overcome to get to this place. I’m yet growing in God & finding great & not so great things about my self that I’m letting God heal & work out in me! It is awesome to have found this site/blog for inspiration & hope for myself & to share with others!

Would love to hear your thoughts!