How I Knew I’d Found “The One” (And How You’ll Know, Too)

In Advice and Encouragement, Dating, Engagement, Marriage, Relationships by Debra Fileta16 Comments

I used to wish God would give me a snapshot of my future.

That I could close my eyes, and for just a moment, see a picture of my future spouse. How much comfort that would bring me, I’d imagine. Because then, I would just know.

Know that he exists. Know that he’s out there waiting. Know that he’s real.

But more than anything- I just wanted to know I’d be able to recognize him when he finally came my way.  How else would I know?

So much to say- I never got a magical vision. My husband-to-be didn’t come my way through a dream, a prophecy, or even a secret code. No voice from heaven, no ray of light…nada.

How did I know that I’d found the man I was going to marry?  I get that question a lot from people looking for love.  But it’s not really a simple question to answer. There’s no one specific formula or experience that gives you the green light into marriage. In fact, I think there are many different factors that helped me determine whether or not this was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I discuss those factors in detail in Chapter 5 True Love Dates and talk about the “red, green, and yellow” signs and symptoms of a relationship.

But as I’ve been thinking about this question, there is one main thing that opened my eyes to the reality that I’d found the one I was going to marry.

He fit into the my life. 

Take that in for a moment, because it’s a really important truth. When I met John and as I got to know him more and more, I realized that everything about him fit into the narrative of my life, and in fact, he made my story even better. Just like that missing piece to the puzzle- he fit.

I didn’t have to force it, manipulate it, cram it in, or make it happen. I didn’t need to change my life goals and dreams, adjust my priorities, repress my morals and values, or completely change my life around. It wasn’t confusing, dramatic, uncomfortable, or chaotic.

It was easy, it was natural, and it made SO much sense.  But the most important part to this whole thing is this:

The reason I knew he fit into my life – is because I knew who I was.  After some really hard years and unhealthy relationships, I had finally taken the time to get to know myself, because for so many years I had no idea who I was or who fit into my story.  But when I finally took the time to know, love, value, and understand myself, I recognized what I wanted and needed as I was searching for the right person to marry. Because like I say in the premise of True Love Dates, you can’t know what you want, until you know who you are.

So many people I’ve talked to have said similar things. They joined their lives together and their worlds just fit. That’s not to say that relationships don’t come with work, effort, and deliberation- but healthy relationships are far less complicated than we often allow them to be. They are full of life, of growth, and most of all- they are defined by the actions of love.

Last night, after the kids were in bed we were laying on the couch, chatting about our day. In the middle of our conversation I just looked into his eyes and realized- we still fit together so well.  God’s grace is overwhelming, and I’m so thankful for the gift of a good marriage. But it’s not a marriage that “fell from the sky”- it’s one I had to prepare myself to receive.

Look for someone who fits into your life, and you in theirs- but first and foremost, understand your life.  Know who you are and where you’re headed. And then- find someone to join you for the incredible ride.

Let’s start this conversation: How did you know that someone was – or wasn’t a good fit for you? 

Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, speaker, and author of the book True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life, where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. She’s also the creator of this True Love Dates Blog Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter

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16 Comments on "How I Knew I’d Found “The One” (And How You’ll Know, Too)"

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In addition, you get really fulfilled when you are with him and your heart will always lounge for him when he us not around.


this is so…helpful. wow! thank you…i still think God brings us the right person…but we definitely need to be prepared and we also need to know ourselves in Christ…and have our stuff together.

thanks again.

My last relationship was suuuuuuper awesome & then it was SUUUUUUPER AWFUL! Sad thing is, not too long after I met this awesome guy, but before I began an awesome relationship with him, an incident occurred that didn’t sit well with me. It was a major red flag & deep in my spirit I was uncomfortable & if that wasn’t enough, after confiding in a friend, he said something didn’t sound right & advised me to stop engaging further with Mr. Awesome. I didn’t listen. He had so many wonderful qualities that I convinced myself that the red flag would… Read more »

The only “relationship” I’ve been in… I knew it was wrong because I was constantly having to change myself to make the relationship work — my personality, my sense of humor, my morals, my beliefs, my attitude. I completely lost myself and nothing “fit.” It was the opposite of what you describe here.

That was four years ago and now I have a much clearer picture of who I am and what I want and need. I have so much hope! Thanks for your words, so encouraging for someone like me.

Mollie Patterson
I found the one that God had for me all along. He is not like all the others and loves me for who I am. He treats me so wonderful and my life with him is complete. I used to have bad relationships, because I didn’t know who I was in Christ. I know who I am and love myself just the way God made me. I now want to share this life with the man God had for me all along. I am not afraid anymore and I am thankful to God for blessing the road that led me… Read more »
Shannon Pray
About seven years ago, I was in a relationship that (at the time) I was sure would end in marriage (I still thank God that it did not), and I remember telling my dad once that I knew where I wanted to go and just wanted someone to be willing to come along for the ride. But, I also told my dad that my boyfriend at the time wanted to find someone to stay in one place with him. He didn’t want to go anywhere else, just wanted to stay put and he wanted someone to stay with him. My… Read more »
Thanks for sharing. I am in a similar situation now, except that I don’t have any exact plans for where I want to go with my life. I just know that God created me to enjoy different languages and cultures, and I like to daydream about living abroad and immersing myself in another’s perspective. My boyfriend, on the other hand, is really committed to his family and close friends and spends most of his time/energy/resources looking out for those people. He likes to have those people surrounding him, and he is wary of other people. We get along so well… Read more »
RJ, I’ve been in a similar position in the past. I was dating this guy for almost three years before I finally broke down and broke up with him. We got a long well and enjoyed each other’s company but I knew in my heart for a long time that he was not really the man for me. He was set on staying where he was (which was also pretty far from my own family) and I’m very much a dreamer who has now traveled and look forward to traveling more in the future. I am now in the most… Read more »
Debra, What about your personality fitting with someone else’s? Can two personalities that don’t necessarily “fit” create a happy world together? My boyfriend is amazing. He nurtures who I am, he encourages my dreams and wants to be with me in them and help me pursue them, we share similar goals in that we want to use our unique skills and life experiences to serve God and help others. But we have very different personalities – I am very emotional, full of life and mostly loud with a tendency to be obnoxious. He is reserved and shows few emotions. When… Read more »

I’ve been married for 29 years this August 3rd; my advice would be this:

When you’re with him, you feel like you’re home.

When we were younger my Mom always told us that we would know that we know who was the right guy for us to marry but she could never really explain how. My younger sister seemed to ‘know’ that she was going to marry quite a few guys at different times that never worked out but eventually she was about to get married and I asked her what the difference was between the man she was now marrying and all the others she had thought she would marry – what was the difference in ‘knowing’? What she told me really… Read more »
I’m not sure if my comment will be responded to because I see this article was posted in 2014, but here goes: I met a man a year ago, we have a wonderful relationship, he is good, kind and loving. We share the same goals and values and he brings out the best in me. I’m in my mid 40’s, divorced in my early 30’s (so been on my own for a while. I feel like I’m ready to marry this man, but he says he’s not ready for marriage yet. He loves me and wants to marry me, just… Read more »