The Bright Side of Singleness

In Advice and Encouragement, Single by Debra Fileta59 Comments

Welcome to TrueLoveDates.com‘s #TheSingleLife blog series!

I am SO pumped about all the great content and guest posts we have coming your way as we dig deep into this important conversation about #TheSingleLife. 

With more singles than ever before in our nation, it’s about time we took this topic seriously and offered some different perspectives.

I wanted to start this series looking at the Bright Side of Singleness…because we’re going to hear the good, the bad, and the ugly coming up, so it’s important to have a balanced conversation along the way.

So for this first post, I believe that there is no one BETTER or MORE QUALIFIED to write this article than….YOU. My single readers! I love and appreciate your insight so much, and I know you have so much wisdom to encourage each other on this journey.

So let’s tribute this post to the bright side.

The truth is, in life  we always have two options: to look on the bright side, or to look on the not-so-bright-side. I don’t know about you, but for me, my tendency is DEFINITELY the latter. I think it’s important to discuss the bright side as a community of people, because it’s easier to see the bright side when you aren’t feeling so alone in it. And frankly, it’s a habit that needs to be cultivated. In all of us.

Let’s get this party started. Comment below answering this question, and interacting with other’s comments below. This will be like a singles chat room (remember those? yikes….I’m aging myself).

WHAT HAVE BEEN SOME OF THE BEST THINGS ABOUT SINGLENESS? 

PS. *Please refrain from posting negative comments or discouraging others in any way, shape, or form below…it won’t be tolerated.

PPS. I can’t wait for the day when someone emails me and tells me they are getting married and met their spouse in the comment section of my blog. I can dream, can’t I? 😉

I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts and interacting with you along the way. Be sure to follow along on Facebook, too!

Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, national speaker, relationship expert, and author of True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life, where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. Her newest relationship book is set to be released in the Summer of 2018! You may also recognize her voice from her 200+ articles at Relevant Magazine, Crosswalk.com, and all over the web! She’s also the creator of this True Love Dates Blog!  Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter or book a session with her today!

Learn what you need to know about CHOOSING a healthy dating relationship.

“Your love life needs this book!!” – Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, world reknown psychologists and bests-selling authors. Just click below to see what ALL the reviews are saying!

 

Comments

  1. There are some great things that come with singleness. I’m 21, been on my own for 6 years (yes, I moved out when I was 15 due to a very abusive home life), so for all intents and purposes my emotional and spiritual age is much higher than other 21 year olds. Nearly all of my friends are married with kids. It has often provided a sad, “this is never going to happen to me,” outlook although getting married, having kids and loving my family well is my number one goal in life. The journey is still tough sometimes, particularly because I’ve only had one serious relationship ever and it only lasted a couple months. But I’ve experienced some great things through singleness. I’ve learned how to love myself well, and I mean really well – I know who I am. My tendencies in what I prefer and don’t, signals in oncoming anxiety, and how to effectively battle it, etc. I’ve also learned to be really comfortable alone, or rather just me and Jesus. I’ve learned to be a friend of The Lord and that will work wonders in marriage.

    Aside from that, I’ve been able to start a wonderful career in banking, and recently just moved cities (the first time I ever had), and accepted a great promotion for the company I work for. Singleness totally made this possible. So there are definite benefits in that regard. Singleness teaches you a lot, and it also frees you up to actually make decisions – if that makes any sense. I used to make decisions based on potentially finding a wife somewhere, and made it my prime goal to go on dates, etc., which isn’t inherently evil, but when it’s your prime goal before loving yourself, that’s not ok.

    Singleness has taught me a lot. I’ve learned to appreciate the mystery in life and not have it all figured out. I’ve learned to walk alongside Jesus on the pursuit of marriage and family and know that He desires it just as much as I do for me to have one!

    1. Author

      Wow….so incredible, so encouraging, so inspiring. Thanks for sharing, Nic 🙂

  2. One definite bright side of being single, that I feel like a lot of us don’t take advantage of, is having time to not only get to know yourself more, but to dive into God and to get to know Him and His ways. Once marriage life hits, and babies come along I feel like you won’t be able to give as much time to Him (1 Cor. 7:34), NOT saying that we don’t try! So I have learned to take advantge of this season of life! Volunteer in ministries at church, offer to help the elderly or to babysit for a couple! But most of all, get lost in Jesus! 🙂

    1. Author

      SO well said, Joy. Thank you!! GET LOST IN JESUS! Amen, girl!

  3. This is a very interesting idea….looking for readers/posters impute.

    I may be one of the older women here (50’s) and have been through marriage and divorce. I am of the mindset at this time in my life, where I look at singleness as not too bad. Now, I’m not saying these things to discourage the singles or the marrieds, but each have their good and bad. I have a dear friend who is married and what I hear is “I just wish I have 10 minutes to myself to soak in the tub”. When leaving church, her afternoon is filled with getting the kids lunch, grocery shopping, getting ready for the week ahead, all while hubby is camped out on the sofa watching the sport of the moment. As a single, I find I can do whatever I want and that’s not to say that sometimes I would love to have someone to share that time with. My point is, I can soak in the tub if I want, and I don’t have to answer to anyone. If I had a not so pleasant day at work, I can stop on my way home pick something up and veg in front of the TV, I don’t have to worry about coming home to cook. If I want to buy that new dress and I can afford it, I buy it! I have an Aunt who lives at the beach and if she calls and ask if I have time to come down to visit, I go! Now, would I love someone to share my life with….absolutely! I have gone through so many feelings of being upset that I am still single at this age to feeling free that I am still single at this age. For me, I have always chosen poorly in relationships and in this season of my life, I would rather be single than in the wrong relationship. And honestly, at any age it’s difficult to be in a wrong relationship.

    So, with all that said, both marriage and singleness have their plus and minuses. I am going to choose to be content where I am right now and take advantage of my freedom until God decides otherwise. I do believe we should seek God first and pray for our future spouse, but I also believe we need to put ourselves in places where we will have opportunities to meet people. Find something you enjoy doing, maybe you love animals and you have one, go to dog parks or shows where your chance of meeting someone who likes the same things you like. I hope this helps someone!

  4. One bright side is that there’s more flexibilty to hang out with friends and invest in other people. One of my married friends puts this in perspective for me – she doesn’t hang out with people as much in the evenings because she feels she needs to be home with her husband. It makes me appreciate the flexibility I have to meet people when I need to and pour into other relationships.

    Also, travel – definitely a plus to have the freedom to go spend a few weeks or a whole summer overseas if I want to.

    1. This is what I find the most positive side of being single as well. I see my couple friends spending less time with their friends, and then when kids come along, that gets chopped way down. I also have time to pursue hobbies and other activities without limitations.

      As for travel, I can leave at the drop of a hat. I can sleep on couches and not really have to plan things. I can play with friends’ kids and then not have to deal with the disciplinary side of things.

      All this might sound a little selfish, but it’s really just having to consider the impact of my choices on only my life rather than the implications of a shared life. Both sides have positives, and we are only exploring one side here.

  5. I concur with Dee. I am 55, divorced nearly 7 years and I am truly coming into “my own” for the first time in my life. I married at 23 and moved from my parents home in to my marriage home. So I’ve never lived alone til my divorce.

    This single season is hard sometimes and I would love to remarry; however, I have entered a season of discovery and blooming and I love it! I can go hiking when I want, veg out if I want, have popcorn for dinner if I want, the list grows every day.

    Being single also gives a sweet dynamic to devotions and sitting at the feet of Jesus and just listening to HIS heartbeat. I have no distractions, no interruptions, no one knocking at my door wanting to know why I’m kneeling before my King when there are other things to do.

    Being single gives room to explore, grow unencombered, and thrive just being me. It is a sweet time sequestered with my Savior and I embrace it with faith and anticipation.

    So until the sweet time of romance and marriage, I bask in His presence, dig deep roots in His love and acceptance, and thrive! It will make me a better wife and partner in the future.

  6. I recently decided that I would like to spend a few years teaching overseas. The main reason that I can do that is because I’m single! I’m looking forward to a new adventure and I’m grateful that I get to go on it before I meet my spouse. (Hopefully) 🙂

    1. Author

      That is amazing…..good for you, Sandra. A good friend of mine met her spouse on a trip overseas 🙂 Following God’s calling on your life is always the best way because when you are moving toward God you’re always going to be moving in the right direction!!

      1. I’ve been teaching in Africa for the last 5 years for this reason too I have been able to experiance and see many things I may not have been able to had I married ! Enjoying the adventure!

  7. Not having the same life as my peers has prompted me to examine my life and spend more time in personal development and my relationship with God. I’ve gotten to know a lot of people with different personal experiences because I have the time to listen to them. I spend a lot of time volunteering (although this is something I plan to continue doing whenever I get married).

    I’ve had the time to figure out what I really want to do with my life and have been able to try out different things like moving to a new city when I wanted to or learning new hobbies.

    I’ve been forced to work on my weaknesses since I don’t have anyone helping me with certain responsibilities. I’ve learned to speak up for myself and develop confidence as a single woman living alone. I’m a shy person by nature, but can carry on a conversation with anyone and in any place and I can walk into a room alone, which can be extremely difficult to do for some people. Because I’ve been forced to do it, I’ve developed some of these weak areas into strengths.

    Mostly, although I want to be married, I am thankful that I don’t HAVE to be married to have a good life – a career, my own (cute) home, friends, or to travel alone or with friends.

    1. Also I’ve learned to rely on God a lot because there often isn’t anyone else to rely on!

  8. I am the eldest of a large family – one boy, seven girls. The first six of us were born quite close together, then the two little girls came along after a six year gap. I remember holding Chelsea in my arms for the first time, and thinking that I wasn’t really going to get to be a part of her childhood because I assumed I would marry and move out of home (I am 17 years older than my baby sister). Well, five years down the track and I have had more joy from my family – especially from my little sisters – than I ever dreamed possible. I am still at home, and I am up to my ears in ministry work at church and am studying full time for my BA in ministry. I know that I will get married one day, but I am SO thankful that God has allowed me this time to be with my family, and to learn how to truly serve Him. (And BTW, I know a single lady who after a life time of devout and faithful service and ministry, is getting married this October at the age of 75… it’s beautiful!)

    1. How wonderful! I’ve been to lots of weddings of friends since graduating college 10 years ago, but to this day the most memorable wedding I’ve been to was that of the organist at the church where I grew up. She was probably in her 50s and had never married. She was quite settled into her single life. Her groom sang in the choir and courted her persistently for a long time until he won her over 🙂 She was usually a very quiet and reserved person, but on her wedding day, she was the most beautiful and radiant bride I have ever seen! What joy!

  9. one of my absolute favorite things is the freedom to do what you want. nothing’s tying you down to where your at so you can literally decide tomorrow that you’re going to move across the country, or travel, or just be alone. you can get to know yourself fully and do what makes you happy and not have to worry about how your significant other may feel. i love the idea of dating myself and doing everything that makes me happy, from traveling to going to the movies, whatever it is, i love it! i love the idea of getting to know the person that the Creator created you to be and just falling deeply in love with Him and yourself, at the same time.

  10. I’m 34 and I’ve been fortunate enough to use the independence of my time as a single to travel WAY more than would be possible otherwise. I’ve been to 49 of the 50 states, all 30 MLB stadiums, 17 national parks, 9 national monuments… I’ve been able to pursue both a full-time career that I enjoy and a number of part-time jobs that I really enjoy, and my faith has grown quite a bit too.

  11. Just over 4 years ago I left the US for full-time ministry in Germany. Sure, people said being a male missionary would be great for my love life, but that is definitely not why I came and it hasn’t quite worked out that way either. While I have seen some disadvantages of being single on the mission field, one thing that I have been blessed with is the ability to travel way more often than a lot of my friends here. It is way cheaper for me to fly anywhere in Europe and stay in a hostel than it is for my married friends to do the same. I can often be found taking a quick trip to visit friends on the weekend. Another advantage here, at least, is I get invited to way more dinners than most married people do because it seems that they believe I don’t know how to cook (and I am ok with letting them believe that). 🙂 Free food is my favorite kind of food.

    1. Author

      Jacob, you made me LOL on the food part….so funny, and such a great perspective 🙂

    2. Yeah, doing mission-related work hasn’t played out for me either. Funny how people believe that when you do God’s work you will surely find someone. God’s plans aren’t cookie cutter.

      As for getting invited over to places frequently, please, share your secrets with a brother!

      1. If I knew the secret I would gladly share. Sadly, I have nothing I can say to help you. Maybe try to mention how much you miss home cooked meals every once in a while, or talk about what random conglomeration of food you threw together for dinner the previous night. Hopefully those will help. 🙂

        1. Author

          You guys, this conversation is top-notch, lol…..I’m sure my husband could even throw in some tips, he sure seemed to get invited to all kinds of family meals when he was a bachelor.

  12. After I rededicated my life to God, I was trying to find that hunger for God that I desperately needed. I felt like I was going through the motions more than anything. I’m actually studying on being hungry for God right now, and I know for me it would be a lot more difficult to find that hunger while also having much of my attention going toward a man. 1 Cor 7:33-34 say, “But a married man is concerned about the things of the world—how he may please his wife— and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or a virgin is concerned about the things of the Lord, so that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the things of the world—how she may please her husband.”
    The best part about being single is definitely getting to focus on my relationship with myself and my relationship with God. Of course, I want to be married one day, but I think I will be able to serve my future husband better if I’ve already got a strong relationship with myself and have a firm foundation in my walk with God. I want to come into a relationship/marriage complete rather than seeking someone to “complete me.”

  13. Being able to throw myself into church activities/ministries.
    Being able to be spontaneous e.g road trips, weekends away,
    All of the spare time to learn about God
    Have more time to invest in others
    Not be locked down to a particular way of life
    Finding Life’s Direction for yourself
    Learning to Love yourself
    Learning about yourself
    Finding out what you are passionate about

  14. First of all, thank you Debra, for persuasing this endeavor.
    We appreciate the safe platform you’ve created for us….married, single and every one in between.

    I’ve been single for four years. I was married for 10 years. We have two children.

    When my marriage ended, I had a hard time seeing the bright side of any part of life.
    I was alone for the first time ever. I paid my own bills for the first time ever. I became a single working mom for the first time ever!
    It was a period of incredible transition and transformation.

    About a year into my new found singleness, I met a man who was/is a devout catholic.
    He influenced and encouraged me to seek out my catholic faith (I’m a cradle catholic, never a serious practice). After about a year of seeking and learning and attending mass, I was confirmed in the church. Without sounding over dramatic but with much depth and truth, my soul had a total conversion to Christianity through Catholicism!
    With a firm belief, this would have NEVER happened had I still been married.
    My ex husband was an unbeliever.

    Singleness has brought about a deep conversion and has set in motion a relationship with Christ that I could have never imagined.

    I trust, Christ wants me for himself right now. I’ve always had trust issues especially with men, I sense Christ is healing me by becoming the central Man in my life.
    I consecrated my life to the Sacred Heart of Jesus a year ago and it felt like a wedding celebration. I’m excited to see how this all pans out. Putting Christ at the center of my life and letting all of my choices and decisions, relationships flow from Him. Doesn’t He promise to only bring joy, love and everlasting peace?
    Jesus, I trust in you!!

  15. The best thing about my singleness, is the fact that I’m able to acknowledge God for His work on me. I can see clearly than before that this time of singleness is for my spiritual and emotional growth. God has been polishing me, showing my sin to my eyes, so I can confess it and repent. God ahs been improving the areas in which I was doing good before, but now with a godly focus. God has been showing me how to be a godly man.

    Also, I’ve been able to give myself to ministry and service to the church. This is something we can’t do when we are in a relationship so often. I’ve been involved in the church work, and I’ve seen my gifts and talents being used for the Kingdom. Singleness has been the time when I’m discovering how I want to serve God, how can I be more useful.

    Singleness has been the time in which I’ve invested the most in my other human relationships: family, work, friends, brothers and sister of the faith. I’ve learned to love them, engage more in their needs, I’ve learned to bear their loads with them, to rejioce with them, to cry with them.

    Singleness has been an amazing time for Me-Time. I love a good date with myself, just doing what I love, what I like, discovering new things, and just meditating about my life, and walking with God. This time of self-discovery is amazing.

    Finally, singleness has helped me to think about the spouse I want. The fact of the matter is that, it is not about the spouse I want. Is the spouse God wants for me. I learned to pray for her spiritual life, for her heart, for her emotional maturity, for her cooking and dancing skills ( :p ). I’ve learned to look for a spouse not according my own desires, but God’s. I know He will light a path.

    Singleness has been awesome, and I appreciate that God hasn’t let me make a move yet. I can feel His loving No’s making me more into His Image.

    (God, I’m not saying I want to be single forever…just in case. Amen.)

  16. Hello this is Edgar 27 years young been single my entire life. My last relationship was about 7 years ago but it only lasted like a month, it wasn’t a serious relationship at all. Therefore, I don’t even consider myself to have been in that relationship. Anyways I would say that the best thing about singleness for me have been being able to dedicate as much time as I can to the Lord without having to commit to anybody else.

  17. While I would love very much to be married, there are so many reasons I am grateful for my singleness.
    I work in full time youth ministry which is my dream job. I love it but the schedule is really random. I wouldn’t have the same amount of freedom to get coffee with someone at night or have youth over for the weekend if I was married.
    Also, the place I live is quite isolated. Though I’ve been here for over 2 years, I don’t have any really good friends here in the same life stage as I am. While this has led to lonliness, it has also pushed me closer to God. I don’t have a significant other to talk about my day with, but God is always there. My singleness has taught me how desperately I need him.
    The final positive is that I just haven’t been ready. There have been so many times in my life that I have been desperate for a relationship. I’ve had a specific guy in mind and thought that they would be perfect. Looking back, I see that I wasn’tready because I didn’t truly know myself. I liked things because the guy did but not because it was actually what I liked. Now many of those guys are married and having kids and I can see the truth. That God knows what he’s doing. He’s teaching me who I am and helping me to rely fully on him and I am grateful for that.

  18. I have to agree with many of these posts about time. Being single, my time is my time. I don’t have to worry about another’s schedule to mesh with mine. I have the flexibility to change my plans at the last minute; I don’t have to rush home to take care of a family; if I want to crash after a long day at work with comfort food, a favorite movie, and pajamas, I can.

    Being single also opens the door to a greater sphere of influence than I thought possible. I have met so many amazing people throughout my journey of life because I was single and the different locations that I have lived or traveled. I have been able to invest my time in people or ministries that I possibility would not have had if I was married. I spent several years working for a church in the young adults program. The opportunities were endless to meet people who were searching for God or a community of believers. (And I am still in contact with many of them today.) Currently, I serve in a children’s ministry. I would pray to God for a family because I wanted to raise children to be world changers. A while back, God showed me He had answered my prayer. It was not the way I saw the answer, but every week, I get to invest and teach children God’s love and truth. I get anywhere from 30-40 children to love and teach to be world changers. That is a 100% growth from my dream. One of the best things is the smile on the children’s faces when I call them by name, tease them, play with them. I get love by the running slams into my hip, also called hugs.

    One thing I am truly grateful is the accomplishment of one of my dreams. I have wanted to pursue graduate degrees since I was in college. I took about a ten year break but I went back to school for my masters. And I did it, but I had to move away from my home state, my comfort zone to go to the college I wanted to attend. If I was married, I may not have been able to do that depending on certain responsibilities that may have prevented the move. Attending graduate school was a huge growth opportunity for me, and I learned so much about myself.

    Yes, being single is hard, at time lonely, but it can be fulfilling and adventurous if I choose to find the best in this journey. And on a funny note, the best thing about being single — sole possession of the remote control!

  19. Amen to much of the above comments! I’m 24 and haven’t been on a date for a few years and am surprisingly… fairly content. *gasp*. Here’s a few reasons why and it has nothing to do with the fact that I don’t badly want a companion in my life (more specifically an attractive one of the opposite sex).

    First of all, I think it’s really dangerous for a single person to hold the belief that marriage is the finish line of this race we started when born. Somehow our culture has made it the all important goal of life (even though we just set new goals after marriage and find it to not be the end of life). By having the belief that marriage is another step and season in which God can use your spouse to shape you and grow you, then it’s no longer a race to the finish line, but a step along the way that really could take place on a variable timeline. The purpose of marriage is holiness, not happiness (in the words of Tim Keller).

    Second, I think it’s really important that each of us have ‘lives outside of spouse searching’. What other goals are you pushing yourself towards? How are you deeply involved in your local church? What are some other dreams, outside of marriage, that you’re committing yourself to pursuing? For example, in my life, I’m ok with singleness right now (still eager mind you, but ok) because I have other pursuits. I’m already deeply involved in service at church and am jumping into a season of one-on-one discipleship. But also for me, I just jumped into a season of starting my own business. Not that I couldn’t be in a relationship now, but the bright side of singleness right now is that I have time to build my business and (hopefully) establish a lifelong career. Besides, I have very little money right now for dates anyway. lol

    Thirdly, and lastly for me (although not the end of good reasons to be single), it’s an motivating way for me to keeping growing in character and godliness. I’m not at all someone who thinks you need to be ‘perfect’ before being in a relationship, but I do see singleness as a timed-challenge to grow. You know those TV shows where they give people a short amount of time to run into a store and grab what they can? It’s kinda like that. I don’t know what the time frame is, but I have this limited opportunity to make as much progress as I can before marriage. To me, it’s almost like what I want to surprise my wife with. “Hey honey, look at how I tried to wisely invest my time as a single person so that our marriage, family, and walk with the Lord would be that much stronger.”

    Just some thoughts to share with others, of whom I empathize with, because I’m not saying it’s always been rainbows and butterflies for me either. Singleness for sure has pro’s and cons’, but as for me, I want to capitalize on the pro’s.

  20. Totally ditto just about every single one of these perks of singleness. And I could probably type more than a few paragraphs reiterating those same points, OR I could just say how thankful I am to God for my singleness giving me the ability to sleep as much as I do. It’s a beautiful thing. 🙂

  21. The best thing about singleness, at this particular stage of my life, is that I am available to go where God leads. No excuses, no back and forth with someone who may not be at the same place spiritually, no question on whether it’s indeed an option–the only thing that would keep me from following after God is me.

    That being said, in the last five years, I’ve worked in three countries, lived in six different places, held about eight jobs, and changed direction four times. In all that, I’ve learned more about God, who he says I am, and what he has given me to do. I know God could have taught me those lessons another way, but I’m hard headed and tend to be stubborn, so it’s actually quite gracious of God that I’m the only one paying for the times my obstinacy makes my life more difficult than it has to be.

    In six weeks, I’ll be moving across the world again and I’m excited that it does ‘finally’ look like it will be a place I’ll be longer. In this move, I’m seeing the pieces of the last five years come together. Both who I am and what God has given me a passion for are brought together in the work, location, and the community. And I realize again and again, as I explain this move to those around me, that I could not have made this move five years ago. I was not ready personally, spiritually, professionally, or emotionally. And if I’d been married, at some point along the way, I don’t believe that I would have come to this same point. It’s the struggles that come with this stage, of recognizing that (for my decisions) I am in responsible to God, that have helped grow me in these areas and prepare me for this time.

    Debra – I find it interesting how you phrased the question, asking about the ‘best things’ in singleness. The best things in life aren’t necessarily the easiest, or the happiest feeling. Christ died on the cross – not easy or happy – but it was the best thing for our salvation; the only way, in fact. 🙂

  22. This is a great post Debra. I thank you for inviting us to share our input with such an illustrious relationship expert. 🙂 *smile*
    I would love to meet the love of my life in the comments section, or even on your future dating site. *smile* (I can dream as well). *smile*
    For me, the benefit to being single at 41 with no kids is no responsibilities. I can do the most important thing I can do for myself, and my future mate and children – and that is work on myself, and focus on strengthening my relationship with God, and build a great network of friends, and enhance my life skills, among other things. I can use this time to actually prepare myself to be a wife and mother, which is exactly what I’m doing. Too often people don’t do this. Maybe they assume that being a spouse, and a parent comes naturally and organically. The reality is, it does not. Some people make horribly costly and life changing mistakes in marriage and being a parent because they never put in the proper time and effort to prepare for it. Imo this is so important, as you’ve mentioned previously in many of your blog posts. The more prepared we are to be spouses, and parents, the better we’ll be at it. There will be no need for nervousness, or fear. I’m so glad I’m patient enough to allow God to prepare me to be the very best wife, and mother that I can possibly be. I can also help out my friends and family with their children. For me that has been a blessing, and an honor.

    1. Author

      So sweet of you, Jayla! And it’s my sincere pleasure to get to listen in on all of your experiences. This is so incredible hearing all these stories….and just a reminder to me that there are still SO MANY AMAZING single people out there. Don’t lose hope 🙂 And I’ll keep you posted on the future dating site, lol…..

  23. I wish I could tell you all I’ve relished the freedom of singleness. The truth is that, while I’ve had the genuine blessing of traveling most summers with best friend (who has already responded in this thread…haha) my family’s financial situation meant that I’ve had to generally support my parents and to take care of my grandmother who lived with us.

    Over a decade ago, my parents felt God’s call to adoption overseas which was an expensive endeavor. Shortly afterwards my father was laid off and then the market crashed followed by my mother losing her job of which the cumulative effect was crushing and almost cost us everything. All that said to say, God has been faithful to us through all of it. While it meant I stay home rather than strike out on my own, I knew I was doing the right thing but constantly struggled with feeling “left out”, ” held back”, and not meant to start a family of my own. I knew in my heart I was doing the right thing but it was hard to watch everyone else move on to that next step while I was tending to responsibility.

    Over the course of time, I spent a lot of time with grandmother who was a Godly woman and she poured her lifetime of wisdom into me just as she had poured her love in me as a child. She taught me to cook which is why the kicthen is my “happy place” to this day. Just before she passed some her last words to me were “Keep going with Jesus”‘

    That’s where I’ve come to with being single. While I still very much desire to be married and have a family, whatever I do or don’t do I have one thing I must do: keep going with Jesus because I know he goes with and before me. I’m now a youth minister and I feel blessed and grateful to pass on all God has taught and is still teaching me through my grandmother and even all the trials and difficulties.

    I pray that does lead down the road to marriage but to keep going with Jesus is the highest calling in life for every one one of us

    1. Author

      Incredible story, Matt…what a loyal heart you have, and what an incredible way to be used by God to support your family. None of this is in vain and I believe the Lord rewards our faithfulness! Thank you for sharing your story.

  24. The other benefit people take for granted is the fact that you have nobody to answer to but God, and yourself. A spouse and child are a huge responsibility in many ways. When your single, you only have yourself to worry about.
    You can come and go as you please, and you can do things how you want, and you can spend your money on yourself, and splurge on yourself a little more.

  25. I am 22 years old, just out of college, living with my parents, and have three jobs. Honestly, I never really thought about my single life as being the best years of my life or even thinking about anything good with being single. My whole life, all i’ve ever wanted to be was a wife and mom. So for me, the whole guy situation was always tough. I never felt content. Even when I felt the most content in my relationship with God, I felt the pull of Satan. Over a year ago, I went through a really bad break-up. It has taken me a whole year to get over it and feel like I could actually move on. During that year I read your book, True Love Dates as well as the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. Through both books I learned more about myself and more about my loving and gracious God. I have found true contentment in Him. It’s not about being romanced by guys, it’s about being romanced by Jesus Christ during your single life. Jesus wants this time with us. He wants to pursue us, chase us, love us, and romance us while we wait for Him.

    I am single because God isn’t ready to give me up yet. He isn’t ready for there to be someone else in our relationship. He is showing me Himself each and every day. Sure, i’ve been on coffee dates and dinner dates with guys during this waiting period. It’s okay to get out once and awhile. How else will you meet anyone? Just don’t lose your focus on the One who loves you the most. He will never leave you, cheat on you, break-up with you, nor will He stop loving you. Rest in that and you will find true contentment.
    So back to your question, the best part about being single is being able to spend all my time with Jesus. Being able to go on coffee dates with Him. The best things about being single is you can find who you are first in God and not in guys. Your identity is from Him alone.

    1. Author

      Natalie! Thank you so much for sharing your story and journey. How beautiful what God is doing in your heart and life..I’m so inspired!!! I’m also so grateful that God used my book in your journey, what an honor that is for me!! Thank you for sharing your story with us, it’s encouraging and your faithfulness is so beautiful.

      For anyone else out there who wants to take advantage of this season as a time of learning and growing, I really challenge you to work through True Love Dates like Natalie did, taking advantage of all the homework and journaling assignments along the way. It’s worth your time. Follow this link to start reading yourself: http://amzn.to/2qaY36g

  26. For me (it’s still hard to admit this, even before an anonymous crowd) I’ve never had an official boyfriend. I’m a 25 year old woman and I had different expectation for how my life would go. For a long time, my singleness was a huge source of shame for me.
    But I think, over the years, I’ve come to realize that what I look for in a partner is changing for the better. I’m changing for the better. This extra time of having the chance to figure out who I am has given me the chance to focus on investing in my friendships and relationship with God and with myself. Even from just dating people here and there, it’s crazy how much of your heart and focus that one person can take up.
    I remember a time when I used to long for the attention and affection of just about anyone (I kid you not) and then a while later, for that of pretty much any Christian man. Bonus points for cuteness. But now, after this time of getting to know my own heart and passions and desires, and more importantly, God’s heart and desires for me, I have the freedom to say no to pursuing the wrong relationships, even if they are with believers. God has been slowly, day by day, giving me the freedom and grace to let go of my expectations of who I will fall in love with and when. He has been helping me to let go of my need for control over this situation, and actually trust him with the outcome and learn that to be filled up by His Spirit is what I truly most. No other gods must be before Him, and everything good is from Him. Trusting Him that He is working things out and that this timing is right on, no matter what.

    Ps. Thanks for all you do, Deb. Your writing has so influenced the way I think about this season and has really helped me! <3

  27. I completely agree with you Debra! Btw I love your book True love Dates.❤️ God is awesome and every second we have weather single or married should be taken advantage of, to bring God the glory no matter what. Jesus knows our deepest wants and needs and He is more than enough to satisfy us, we just have to put our part in it too and not just leave it all to God to do all of the pursuing. That being said, I think singleness does have many advantages. In my own life I can say that this season has brought out things in me that I’d want to change for the better. Another thing is how close I’ve gotten wit my family, I wouldn’t change anything about it.

  28. I’m 26 years old, soon to be 27 in October and everyone keeps pressuring me to get married. But for me, the best thing about being single is that I don’t have to share my time with anyone. It sounds selfish lol, but as an introvert my time alone is my treasure.

  29. For me I finally felt like I came to embrace my singleness, why? First I realized my own destructive behaviors that I needed to work on healing, my upbringing, past hurts, abandonment, etc and am finally am being empowered by God to break every chain and break all barriers and empowered to confront it all to heal and recover.

    2) by embracing my singleness I get to enjoy myself while dating and see that being the right person is more important than looking for the right person 🙂

    3) I am available to serve God 🙂

    Being single in my opinion is a good thing, sure going on dates builds my self esteem and my confidence yet I learned from my last relationship, not rushing into a relationship and not getting into a relationship when I wasn’t ready.

  30. One thing I appreciate about singleness is the independence I have been able to build- I’m 22, and I’ve been able to get a decent job, car, and apartment, which has helped me develop confidence in myself and my ability to handle life like an adult. Knowing that I can take care of myself also helps me feel less like I ‘need’ someone else. While I know I don’t need someone to ‘complete’ me, I can feel less insecure about being able to function on my own, which gives me a healthier perspective about relationships as a whole and helps me to not want to be in a relationship for the wrong reasons.

  31. I’m 25 and have never been on a date! The lack of attention I felt over the years made it very easy for me to believe something was wrong with me, however God has really used this time of singleness to drive home that my worth and identity in Christ is independent from how people may or may not think about me. Learning to find security in Him alone and to really know myself is a major bright side (much of this is thanks to True Love Dates as well!).

    Another big asset for me is my ability to invest in people. As others here have stated, I love the freedom to go catch-up with a friend on a whim, go visit my cousin for a week and help out with her kids, go clean house for a sick friend or babysit. I love being a safe person for people to come to, and being useful and needed.

    The best part of being single for me, has been simply learning the art of enjoying your life for what it is and learning “whatever state I am to be content”. I have spent years of my life wishing, hoping and searching the horizons of the future for my dreams of marriage and it has robbed me of the blessedness of contentment in the now. Marriage is a picture of Christ and His church, not the holy grail of human experience. Honorable and worthwhile, but not one’s everything. Knowing this means that my relationship with Christ is the real thing, marriage is only a reflection of that. Learning to trust my Father with my life and live in the moment; relishing time with my family, watching my siblings marry and have kids, be there to encourage and pray for my married friends, come alongside and do life with my single friends, and going out doing crazy stuff with my single sister—these all priceless things if I choose to see it as the privilege it is, not mere distractions on the road to better things. There may be good things to come, but the best things are always right now. We just need eyes to see it.

  32. Best part of being single, never had a trip to the doctor with annoying female stuff. Those that women speak about that reoccur, and reoccur…. sorry if TMI but it is almost a sure possibility with marriage. Definitely more doctor visits when you are married. The up side you are more likely to see what is wrong quickly so I guess there is a balance.

    1. Author

      At first I wasn’t sure what you were referring to…but I think I get it now….yeast infection? UTI? Either way, LOL….I love how real you’re getting with this, Jessy…..so great.

  33. I read through all these comments and I was shocked to see how many like-minded people are actually out there. Most of the other single people at my church seem to be angry at their single status. As a result, I thought maybe I was a rare sort in seeing the positive side of being single.

    Like many others, now at 35 I’ve been able to do things that most married people I know won’t get chance to do as they are married or married young. I’ve travelled to faraway destinations, I’ve worked overseas and I frequently go on what I call ‘solo adventures’. These ‘solo adventures’ may be day trips to historic sites or a weekend away somewhere. If I have a free weekend on the horizon, I can up an go.

    My philosophy is to experience everything I can now as if/when I get married, it may not be quite so easy…and if I never get married, at least I didn’t sit around waiting for marriage for life to kick in, which is what I have seen people do.

    I do love the fact that I can also do things for other people. Whether that’s to do a friend so shopping (because they are ill), eandomly bake a cake for someone, have people over for dinner or babysit, my time is flexible to be able to do this things for people.

    It’s funny how sometimes I feel sad because I have no one to make big financial decisions with. Then on the other hand, I find myself feeling sad reflecting on how difficult it might be to do all these things for others if ever I married.

    I think it was Jacob who mentioned about the advantage of being single is free food. I’m not gonna lie, I think free food is the unmentioned sixth Love Language and it’s one of mine! It’s the language some of my friends speak to me very fluently!

  34. Yes, yes, YES!! All the comments about travelling! (Did I spell that right? I keep reading books from different English speaking countries and they all spell differently.) I recently finished four months of travel, and came home totally broke. I’d never have done that unless I was single. (If I’d had more money, I’d have been gone longer.)

    Part of my travels included walking the Camino de Santiago, a pilgrimage trail across Spain. It’s amazing, what you can learn about yourself when you spend most of it alone. Or you have a random conversation with a stranger, and it gets so much deeper and more honest, simply because you know you will never see that person again. One thing that really stuck with me is that you buy your food as you go. I’m allergic to wheat, and I eat kosher (no pork) which seriously limits you in Spain. EVERYTHING is wheat just about. So the Lord’s Prayer, especially the bit ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ had a more immediate and real meaning to it. I spent about a week contemplating that alone.

    I confess I don’t go to church much. Too much politics, and I find it hard to participate in a culture that makes it plain single women are second class citizens. However, I enjoy and use my singleness to protest the little things (people are required to dress a certain way to be ‘proper’ and churchworthy (I’m of Russian descent. This informs most if not all, our traditions. Its complicated.). This includes girls wearing appropriate footwear, i.e. heels) and my protest took the form of wearing steelcap boots with a pretty skirt to my best friends wedding recently. I wanted to point out that it was an earthly requirement that girls wear heels, and that the Lord probably doesn’t care. Had I been married, I’d never have gotten away with that!

    And in the meantime, I read. I read just about anything, but my favorite theology book is Jesus Through Middle Eastern Eyes, by Kenneth E. Bailey. I read it for the second time on the Camino, and it provides such food for thought…It was reading this book that made me fall in love with Jesus all over again.

    So while I may long for a husband, and that companionship, on the whole I enjoy my time as a single woman of 32.

    1. Author

      This sounds amazing, Hope!!!! I’m so encouraged by your story….

      And i just have to say, girls have to wear HEELS? I.would.die. I live in flats. I agree with you on that!!!! It bothers me when cultural norms get plastered onto the Church. May God help us all to have perspective on what matters. Thanks for sharing your sweet story!!!

  35. Everyone has spoken well……I love that God is using this season of waiting in pruning me. I am not just lost in Christ, i am deliberate about the things i do.
    Thank you

  36. 1. Being single has taught me more about myself than I ever thought it would. I’ve found myself in letting go of my dreams. I’ve learned what I like and don’t like, what I’m passionate about and want to accomplish with my life. my life and dreams have become way more multi faceted. It’s no longer just this one dream, but several.

    2. It’s taught me that even in the middle of the loneliness and tears that God still loves me and has a plan for my life. God is sovereign AND He is loving and kind, so I can trust Him. He works all things together for Good. I have learned that it can be well with my soul even when it’s not well with my circumstances.

    3. My friends all say I’m a strong person and even though I feel so weak sometimes, I believe they are right. I was not this strong years ago and think that God has entered strength into my spirit during the wrestling. He’s been spiritual muscle building in the gym of singleness. Kind of like a personal trainer, He pushes me to keep going when I feel like giving up and celebrates when I do.

    4. It’s taught me to find fellowship in multiple people and think this is ultimately healthier than investing just into a marriage relationship. Once I do get married, it will be important to cultivate friendships with my girlfriends and am grateful for the practice of this right now.

    5. I get to travel freely and it’s been fun discovering other parts of the US. 😊

  37. Since being divorced(4yrs, no kids)Im rediscovering who I am, learning who I am and enduring the bumps, twists and turns in being single again as well as life in general. Living in Raleigh(since June 2014) has been great but also scary, learning my way around the triangle area, becoming acclimated to the fast pace, traffic and learning how to rely upon GPS on my phone, lol!!! The best thing about being single again especially for those without kids is coming and going when you get ready, becoming closer to God, really developing a prayer life along with other areas in my Christian walk, working/developing yourself to be a better person and becoming the RIGHT person/the answer to someone’s prayer. Just enjoying the ride and trusting God in the process and realizing that God has a plan for your and my life/following and hearing God in whom I need to have in my life and not being attracted to just beauty, but character/integrity but also being that person of character/integrity because it has to go both ways. Im learning how to not be so introverted and be more extroverted but also realizing that in God’s due season he will bring me and my wife together regardless of race but she will love God and aspire to grow in God everyday. This is my bright side of being single, just being open to God in what he wants to do in and through you in this season of your life, loneliness is REAL especially for all singles including divorcees and widows, men and women, but remember you are someone of value and you shouldn’t discount your value for the sake of being with somebody that doesn’t value themselves and they wont value your worth. Keep up the awesome work Debra, looking forward to your new book as well, Stay Encouraged and Love You All!!!!!!!

  38. I’ve been reading this blog for a long time, but am not big on commenting… but decided to give my 2 cents in case it can help anyone 🙂 I’m 31 and single. My 20’s were scattered with a handful of unhealthy relationships; the kind that weren’t actual “relationships”, you know, those “best friend/fill-in-girlfriend” kinda things… cool times, haha. But after one ended badly a few years ago, I found a Christian counselor in my city, and started trying to get to the root of why I keep ended up in unhealthy relationships where guys wanted to be with me all the time, but not actually commit or date me… The professional counseling route is one of the smartest things I’ve ever done; I did it for about 2 years, and am looking again for another one since I moved. Everyone is different, and single for different reasons… but one of my issues was that I was a very boundary-less person with low self-worth, and attracted a lot of unhealthy “takers” who I let take from me. I focused so much energy on people and friendships, guys and girls, and I didn’t put a lot of time into taking care of my own emotional, physical, and spiritual needs. I would end up so empty and used feeling in a lot of relationships.

    I think the biggest thing I’ve gotten out of this season of singleness (mid/post-counseling) is that I matter too, and I’m worth taking care of. There are really valid things like ministry and etc to get involved in when you’re single, but just try and be aware of how much you’re giving to others in this season too. I personally got burnt out after years of youth and young adult ministry. I had so much love to give, and am really good at giving it, but I would sometimes over-give. I wasn’t going back to the Source for my worth and value, and started seeking value and approval from everyone around me I was investing in or even ministering with.

    About 9 months ago, I finally moved to a new state and city on my own; to go after different career/life goals I’ve had for years. But because I was so others-focused, I put myself on the back-burner and was too scared to move and believe in myself. Now I’m here, making feats and bounds in my goals and dreams, and I have so many friends, family, and people I’ve ministered to over the years encouraged and motivated to do some of their OWN things because they saw me actually going after mine! You being good to yourself will encourage others to do the same. Being single helped me be able to do those things and make those strides in this season.

    So, my encouragement along the lines of others, is in everyone’s “season of singleness”: really figure out who you are WITHOUT others in the equation. Learn how to spend time alone. Enjoy your alone time. And above all obviously, get to know Jesus, who He really is, and what He really wants from you during this season. He’s the ultimate best friend. This new season, coupled with my singleness, has been really hard, but I have a peace and comfort in knowing He’s with me, He’s for me, and He’s got a plan!

    Anyways. Hope that speaks to someone 🙂

    1. You better say so, my sister, PREACH!!!!! That was worth me and a whole lot of someone else’s reading and encouragement!!!!! You copied what I wrote above you, Ive also am currently seeing a Christian counselor here in Raleigh, NC(where I live) they have been a godsend for real, along with being connected to the right ministry!!!! Stay encouraged and thank you for writing this and it has further encouraged me!!!!!

  39. I’ve been reading a couple comments and WOW!! Just WoW!! I thank all the singles, marrieds and even divorced out there who encourage us, the singles. I believe both marriage and singleness are gifts from Above, not only that, but we can look at them as phases or “temporary” gifts, Why? For what we do with them will prepare us for eternity. Paul was single and JESUS too (humanly speaking, since later on in Revelation He “marries”the Bride– His Church). We are NOT less when we’re single NOR more when we’re married. Let’s be thankful where we are and listen to where God wants us to be! Doing all things for His purpose, His Kingdom and His Glory!! PS: Thanks Deb for reminding us the bright side of this stage of life: Singleness by initiating conversations like these!! Excited for what is ahead!

  40. The most enjoyable part about being single is being able to go where God calls you on short notice. Many times in my career, I’ve been asked to go places on short notice for my company. After getting there, it has been like God called me there for a specific reason. One time it was St. Johnsbury Vermont. After arriving there, it didn’t seem out of the ordinary, but by my second day on site, it was apparent God called me there for a reason. Had there been a wife/girlfriend involved, the trip may not have happened. Traveling single, while you may not be able to share your experiences at the time, the ability to pull over, soak in what God is showing you at the moment, and divert from the plan is quite easy when single.

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