Stop Expecting Me To Have Sex With You

In Dating, Relationships, Single by Debra Fileta17 Comments

There’s a disturbing trend that’s sweeping the nation. It’s impacting our sons, influencing our daughters, and affecting our entire culture.  It’s seeping into other parts of the world, even those that tend to uphold a traditional view on marriage and relationships. It’s brings a message filled with lies that’s causing confusion, pain, and broken hearts along the way.

Simply put, it’s the hookup culture.

In case you’re living under a rock, the hookup culture is a trend that encourages casual sex, promotes one-night stands, and puts an emphasis on pleasure rather than commitment. In fact, you can be a stranger one moment, and hooking up the next.

It’s a no-strings-attached approach to relationships that leaves many people feeling used and abused along the way.

And sadly, this day and age, it’s the norm. It’s what’s expected. And it’s not just the college-party–scene we’re talking about, it’s everyday life with everyday people.

I recently got an email from a woman in her 40s, completely disgusted with modern day dating scene because of this very concept. Having been on a few first dates with seemingly nice gentlemen, she left feeling completely frustrated at the expectation that was communicated to her that sex would be part of the first date. “That’s just how it is.”

Download any dating app, or talk to anyone currently in the dating scene and you’ll quickly learn that there is a LOT OF PRESSURE on our men and women today to put up and put out because sex is what’s expected. It’s what everyone does. And anything less than makes you undesirable.

But as much as it often seems like the hookup culture has “won” – I’m here to tell you that it HAS NOT.

There are men and women all over the world who are taking a stand: believing that sex is valuable, meaningful, and to be reserved for the right person within the right time.

There are men and women who are going against the grain, and standing up to the cultural “norm” by saying NO to the hookup culture.

There are men and women who believe that sex is not about “getting some” but instead it’s about giving – giving your body, giving your heart, giving your commitment…and the giving of your very self. 

I know this to be true because I hear from these men and women EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. They line up to talk to me after events, fill up my inbox with their emails, and capture my attention with their heart-felt messages.

These brave men and women are not allowing the cultural norm to define them, but instead, they are defying the cultural norm. And I’m SO very proud of them.

But the problem is, looking around, they are feeling alone in all the noise. And it makes sense. We live in a cultural context where casual sex is glorified, while anyone with higher standards is ridiculed and made to look like something is wrong with them.

If that’s you, I am here to tell you that you are NOT ALONE. In fact, you have chosen what is BEST. There is a reason that we hold sex in such high regard, because it’s a powerful things.

If that’s you, I want to encourage you right here and right now to continue standing up to the hookup culture – as hard as it is to stay strong sometimes. You may be weary, you may feel alone, but you are CHOOSING what’s best, and you will NEVER EVER, EVER, EVER REGRET going into marriage with less baggage, less sexual history, and less one-night stands.

God’s design for marriage is clear, and his plan for sex is so good.

There are so many brave men and women out there, who are sticking to what they know to be true: that sex in God’s way, and in God’s time, is always best.

It’s time to laugh in the face of cultural norms…

It’s time to stand for what we believe…

It’s time to say out loud what we believe to be true….even in the face of their expectations:

No, I will not have sex with you.

It’s time to say NO to the hookup culture.

***If you are part of this courageous group of men and women, I challenge you to share this article and make some noise. It’s time to start some important conversations with our friends and begin defying cultural norms rather than simply tolerating them.***

Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, speaker, and author of True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life21 Days to Jump Start Your Love Life, and 21 Days to Pray For Your Love Life – where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. You may also recognize her voice from her 150+ articles at Relevant Magazine or! She’s also the creator of this True Love Dates Blog!  Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter or book a session with her today!

“Your love life needs this book!”

– Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, NYTimes Bestselling Authors and Psychologists

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  1. Great article Debra, thank you! I stand against having sex before marriage! I believe that is part of why my marriage didn’t work, we started out doing and having a relationship the worldly way and not Gods way! Of course we were both lost to God back then, but a divorce almost 4 years ago has turned me around. I walk with God or should I say He walks with me and I want to do all I can to honor Him with my life the life of a woman who wants to be apart of my life…if there is one out there!? There is a woman I so dearly care about, but she, I believe still loves another man. The man who is the father of her son. I pray for her and him, but it’s so hard to pray for him when I care so deeply for her! Her and I have an age difference, but to me that’s just a number! She is what matters and I will stand on that! I had even joined a dating site, but every woman I see I compare them to her and none to them even come close! Her long brunette hair, and beautiful brown eyes, and that smile…words can’t describe!! Lol! She has the most beautiful hands as I was noticing them the other day. You see, she is what I want to wait for…she loves Jesus like I do! To me, after receiving Jesus, she would be the second best thing that ever happened to me! I love my kids, but she would be mine, what joy that would be!!!
    So people let’s walk in the opposite direction as culture and take a stand for Jesus, name above all names!!! Merry Christmas to all!

  2. This is me! And I wear a purity ring on my left hand ring finger! Inspired by a women’s retreat our church held in spring 2015!

  3. Thank you so much for writing this article.
    I don’t just want a one night stand. I don’t just want to have sex with you. Take some time to get to know me. Buy me dinner. Let me buy you dinner. Be someone I can introduce my boys to. I am so sick of this assumption that sex is all I want in life.
    There is so much more that I want, need and deserve.
    I want God’s best and I won’t settle!

  4. Thanks Debra for this, i need to hear this encouragement in this topic. I feel so alone and yes ridiculed and against the tide of this hookup culture, cause i don’t go along. But i know god will bless me, and i know it will be worth it. Thanks! And god bless.

  5. I get what you’re saying – it’s frustrating and discouraging to be expected to have sex. I think it’s worth noting that a lot of non-religious people and/or people who aren’t opposed to sex outside of marriage also oppose this kind of thing, because it fundamentally reflects a lack of consent. No one should be pressured to have sex, regardless of anything else.

    It’s also true that some people are jerks when you tell them you don’t want to have sex. But I’ve experienced guys communicating honestly that they wanted sex (ie not manipulating me) and not pressuring me after I said no.

    What are your thoughts on teaching Christians about consent, in the context of promoting abstinence until marriage? The general mentality I’ve seen is “don’t need to know about it, because you shouldn’t be saying yes until you’re married. After that, you should be having sex all the time so you still don’t need it.” I think it’s important for unmarried people who are abstinent so they can recognize abuse, and same for married people (it’s also just…learning to communicate in a sexual context). I haven’t seen many Christians who think this is important though, or try to teach it.

  6. I used to be in the midst of the hook up culture. I even indulged in it. Then I grew up and found Christ. My current boyfriend and I started our relationship the wrong way, it was not Christ centered and we were hooking up. Then one day we woke up and realized that we wanted our relationship to be Christ-centered and much more valuable. We decided that we both were worth waiting for. We made the commitment to wait until marriage. We have now been together four years and three of the four years have been celibate. It’s hard, but I have also made the promise that if he and I were to break up, I would remain celibate until my wedding day. I get criticized for my decision a lot, but my promise to the Lord holds me accountable and I love it, I love Him! You also get to know more about your partner when you take sex off of the table, it’s awesome!

  7. Great article. Unfortunately, it’s a whole lot of men who will want sex at some point, (even deacons, pastors, and men in the church) . I’ve been saying for many years that it’s men, (based on what I see and hear) who have the most difficult time when it comes to sex, similar to women and our biggest weakness being food. Men’s biggest weakness since the beginning of time, even in the bible days, is women. Not enough men fight this weakness, and fight hard and long enough to destroy this part of themselves, and die to it. Instead they accept it, feed it, and deal with it. I really wish there were more blogs, articles, video’s, and information that was more targeted at men to teach them how to die to their flesh, so that they can be strong enough to withstand temptation, and say no to sex outside of marriage, even when in a marriage. There should be a movement to educate, teach and empower young boys, and men to say not to premarital sex, like it is for women.

  8. Hi Debra,

    You are so right! I turned 41 yesterday, Dec 20, and am still a virgin. I had given up on marriage in my 20s bc I didn’t want kids or an unhappy life like the ones I saw all around me.

    This year, even though I had never looked or wanted marriage, God has introduced me to a man who is across the world, who is pretty much exactly what I had asked Him for when I was saved.

    He has asked me numerous times to marry him, but I need to hear the Voice of God telling me to take that step…but if this is truly my gift from God, I will embrace it with everything in me.

  9. Mmmh Mama, you said it all! You didn’t miss the nail! What amazed me most is the glory and respect that is attached to it by the society, family and those who claim to be christians! They will say that you need medical attention!And wost still, not only that you will be undesirable, they will persecute you at ALL levels! Well Mama, l ‘ll still believe you that they are still available! The right ones, who still love Jesus! Keep me in your prayers.

  10. Thank you for this article! It brought tears to my eyes!
    It’s great to know I’m not the only one taking a stand! However, I had no idea I would come against so much expectation, ridicule, anger and resentment by taking a stand. I know who my Father is and I know my worth.
    Who wants to be a notch? A number? Not me! People don’t realize. I have friends both guys and girls who try to paint pretty pictures on this but I hear them in the deep moments after they’ve broke down. This hook up life style is a dark realm. It’s like empty calories… It gets you no where. It will leave you sick and empty with a feeling so low and worthless that you’ll want and need to keep filling up with more empty calories. Eventually this life style leaves a person bankrupt.
    While the God way. If only people could stop and realize what they were missing here!
    Although I’m not there yet myself I just know God’s way is going to be like having the best day out with your best friend! I’ll wait for that!

  11. Debra,

    This article is spot on. Thank you for sharing that others are bothered by this trend as well, as it helps to know you are not alone. However, I still haven’t found any men that don’t follow the hookup culture. Maybe you should start a dating app or service and connect the “courageous” ones. 🙂

  12. I Know I’m Not The Only One Taking A Stand On All This But There’s One Thing I’ll Say No Sex Before Marriage & I’m 37 Yrs Old Now & I’m Still Single Never Been Married. I Have Friends Who Are Married So I’m The Only One That Hasn’t Had A Marriage. Everyone Tells Me It Will Happen. Well It Hasn’t Happened & God Might Be Trying To Tell Me Something That It Will Be Worth My Time When God Expects To Be. I Walk With The Almighty Savior That We Serve So Proudly

  13. That’s me. 48, not married. I believe that sex should be done in married. Keeping myself pure. Waiting for God’s best for me at his own time. But for now, no sex outside marriage and I tell any guy who comes around.

  14. Jennifer
    Wearing a purity ring is fine but maybe you should wear it on another finger. The ring is a symbol to marriage so men may think you’re married and not come in contact with you.

    1. I agree. I have worn one on my RIGHT hand and been asked like 3x’s if I’m married. I mention–wrong hand. I get the idea though…it’s on the significant hand that your heart is closest to, showing for now you are “married to purity.” Can confuse good guys though.

  15. You are so right. thank you for making some noise. I’ll do the same.

    And while we’re making some noise, went not seriously consider Janelle’s suggestion to create a mechanism to “connect” the courageous singles who are staying pure and seeking Christ first?

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