What She Wrote About Singleness Will Blow You Away

In Advice and Encouragement, Single by Debra Fileta118 Comments

Have you ever had one of those moments when something someone says just resonates so much with you that it makes you take a step back?

*Sidenote: This post was published two years ago, but I felt the need to resurface it, because the emails I’m getting lately reminded that there are so many people out there struggling with singleness….read on, my friends!!!*

You know, those moments when someone puts words to your thoughts and you just want to shout “YES!”. A few days ago as I was reading through the comments from my blog posts (which by the way – I am committing to personally reading every single comment this year and replying to as many as I can keep up with!!), when an anonymous comment appeared by someone who called herself “TheLordIsMyShepherd”.

Her perspective on singleness- and life in general- was refreshing to say the least. I get so many emails each week from people all over the world discussing singleness, dating, and relationships. But this….this was different.

I thought to myself: this is so good…this NEEDS to be shared with the world. This woman is an example of contentment and trust in the face of really hard circumstances- namely, singleness. But her words apply to all of us in so many stages of our life.

Her contentment and complete trust are things that I am striving to achieve in every part of my life with Jesus. We could all learn from her. Read her comment below, and then leave a comment and tell me: what’s your response to what she’s saying? (And if you’re the woman who wrote this comment- reach out to me! I’d love to invite you to write a guest post for TrueLoveDates.com!!)

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“As a lifelong single woman who knows what it’s like to feel unfulfilled, undesired, and scared of a future alone, my heart breaks when I read despairing comments from others in the same boat. Not only can I relate to their pain, but I also feel so sad when I see some singles questioning God’s love for them. I think there’s a tendency to be disappointed in or even angry at God for what we perceive as His failure to provide us with the human relationships we need. So often we don’t stop to think that maybe the Lord does NOT want us to be alone and is just as heartbroken as we are that we can’t find a godly spouse.

The fact of the matter is that we live in evil times. True believers who want a real relationship with Christ have always been in the minority, but they are becoming even more scarce as we close in on the end times. Single women outnumber single men in churches three to one. God is not willing that anyone should perish, but we know that He doesn’t force people to turn to Him. If so few single men in the US have chosen Him, there will necessarily be many single Christian women without husbands.

Contrary to what some singles might think, I believe this situation grieves God. He clearly laid out his plan for most people, and it was the family unit–marriage and children. So He considers those things good. The fact that so many of us can’t achieve His plan must make Him very sad, I would think.

The reason I’m going on at some length about all this is because I’ve seen prolonged singleness gradually ruin more than one believer’s relationship with the Lord specifically because of this false assumption that the Lord WANTS all these unhappy singles to stay single. When we view God as the cause of our suffering rather than our refuge and walk away from Him, we lose the most faithful friend we can have. And that’s even worse than being forever single.

If you are struggling with singleness, please don’t assume that God isn’t on your side and doesn’t want the best for your life. Express your grief to Him, and let Him grieve with you. He has been rejected by probably 90% of the people on this earth–He certainly knows how you feel.

One more thing…If you’re a single woman, try to band together with other single women, especially older women who’ve been widowed or divorced and likely won’t remarry. While friendship isn’t the same as a marriage partnership, it can fulfill a lot of the same practical and emotional needs, and when you cultivate these kinds of friendships, you can at least be sure that you won’t be left alone to fend for yourself in old age.”

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Wow. To the woman who wrote this comment, all I can say is, preach it, girl!!! Your words have resonated deeply with me, and I know they will encourage many others. Thank you for your example of faithfulness!!

Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, national speaker, relationship expert, and author of True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life, where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. Her newest relationship book is set to be released in the Summer of 2018! You may also recognize her voice from her 200+ articles at Relevant Magazine, Crosswalk.com, and all over the web! She’s also the creator of this True Love Dates Blog!  Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter or book a session with her today!

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Comments

  1. Wow…what a whole new way of looking at it!! Food for thought…

    Debra, may I suggest an article I’d love to be able to see on your site one of these days: How to know the signs of a good (or not so good) counselor/therapist if you are seeing them for depression. I have an appointment with one coming up soon at the church I told you that I attend sometimes but I know not all counselors/therapists are equal. I’d like to waste the least amount of time as possible and prevent further damage so I’d like to be able to recognize when I am working with someone who, despite good intentions, can’t/won’t be able to help me the way I need. I am struggling with very bad depression and I’m riddled with fear that my seeking help will just be another thing that somehow fails to come through for me in my life. I’m afraid that the waking up every morning with an aching heart and overwhelming sadness is never going to end. I am pinning so much hopes that this counselor will be able to help me but I need the wisdom of discernment to know if it’s helping me, or hurting more more, so that I can stop and look elsewhere, if necessary.

    Debra, did you see a therapist or counselor for when you were going through your depression?

    1. Author

      I think that’s a great idea for a post, Sophie! I will definitely brainstorm that one. I agree that it’s important to click with your counselor- but many times though, we get out of therapy what we put into it, so that’s the good news! It’s important to pray that God gives you that connection with your counselor and sends you to the right place- but God is faithful even in the details.

    2. Sophie – I experienced the very same problem this time last year. A new kind of low came over me. It wasn’t the usual breakup heartache that I had experience before but it was desperation. I was tired both physically and emotionally of years of heartbreak and I hit an all time low. I went to my doctor who was very unsympathetic and did very little to help apart from do some blood tests to make sure it wasn’t a physical condition I was suffering from. I found a therapist myself from researching online who was close to home and cheaper than some other therapists. I went once a week for 5 months and invested a lot of money and time. It turned out my thereapist was a nun. Someone giving me relationship advice who never had a romantic relationship!!! I found the whole thing stressful and tried on numerous visits to end our sessions which I eventually did and I found a homeopath who I found helpful as she offered me practical advice and help. The only thing you can do is try and see if it works for you. If it is not working for you do not feel obliged to keep going. Always keep in mind that this feeling is not forever and it will pass and you will feel happy again. Stay close to God and he will carry you through this difficult time. I know it is a cliche but time is a great healer and a year on I feel better even though I have experienced the worst and real heartbreak when my Mum passed away in July. Good luck Sophie! I will be praying for you.

      1. Anon, thanks so much for sharing your story with me. And I’m so sorry to hear of your pain from all you’ve been through and because of your mother’s passing. I have a difficult relationship with my mother but I know I will be absolutely devastated when the time times because I want my mom around, forever.

        I recently went to see a counselor for the first time at a large church I attend on and off and…I could tell it wasn’t the right match. Yes, she was very nice and you could see she was compassionate but there was no “click” there. I thought I’d feel more of a connection once I had poured out my heart but it just didn’t happen. I am probably not going to go back. I might have tried a different counselor but it would be so awkward to run into her there and have to explain to her what I just wrote here. That aside though, I really may need the help of medicine temporarily and the church cannot prescribe them anyway.

        So I am going to see what options are available to me through my insurance. I had really wanted a Christian counselor/psychiatrist which is why I looked for it at church but it’s not to be, I guess. Homeopathy is something I had always had an interest in but because insurance usually doesn’t cover that sort of treatment, it has become prohibitive for me. Also, I am concerned that homeopathy is rooted in some kind of religion, and therefore, unbiblical. I had meditated briefly in the recent past to relieve my stress until I learned the origins behind it and its origins in Hinduism. I probably sound a bit extreme here but I’d advise anyone who is depressed here to stay away from things like meditation, Yoga, energy type of healing, if you consider yourself Christian. It can creep in very subtly, even into churches. Which is why I was surprised to hear pastor Rick Warren recommending meditation as part of one’s wellbeing.

        Thanks again!

    3. Sophie – Someone sent me this encouragement when I was battling depression. I hope it helps you.

      “I AM TAKING CARE OF YOU. Trust Me at all times. Trust Me in all circumstances. Trust Me with all your heart. When you are weary and everything seems to be going wrong, you can still utter these four words: “I trust you Jesus”. By doing do, you release matters into My control, and you fall back into the security of My everlasting arms. Before you arise from your bed in the morning, I have already arranged the events of your day. Every day provides many opportunities for you to learn My ways and grow closer to Me. Signs of My Presence brighten even the dullest day when you have eyes that really see. Search for Me as for hidden treasure. I will be found by you. – Jesus Calling Devotional

      “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding – Proverbs 3:5

    4. Sophie, I have been where you are as far as depression goes (I was suffering bipolar depression, which is clinically proven to be more severe than regular chronic depression), and although it is great to see a Christian counselor, do not forget that God is our “Wonderful Counselor!” I think of the song “Emmanuel” by Amy Grant. If you’ve never heard it, YouTube search it. It’s an old-school 80s song that I’m pretty sure I was literally dancing in the womb to. It really needs a 2015 remix, but it’s got a great message.

      Read the Word and pray. Listen to, and sing worship music. This will give you the number one connection with the One greatest counselor! 🙂

      As far as signs of a good counselor, in my experience, my counselor did not get me through depression. My depression was so bad that I would not talk. She would talk (overwhelmingly talk) the whole session. The people who helped me through depression were my parents and siblings. If you are living alone, find someone safe (like maybe a trustworthy woman in your church) to spend time with on a regular basis! I truly believe it is community relationships and God who help us overcome depression. I’m also an advocate for getting brain chemicals balanced, when needed, with medications. Counselors can help with issues of missing work and how to handle practical things. I have found counselors to be more helpful, though, during times of recovery and times when I needed a professional relationship to shed light on reaching for personal goals.

      You’ll get there. It’s a journey.

      (Debra, I hope this posts anonymously, but if you’re wondering…. this is the lady who emailed regarding my previous relationship with Mr. On-and-Off-Again back in September.)

      1. anonymous, thank you for your comment to me. As I have written above, I recently saw a counselor at a church (free) and I did not feel like I was in good hands. She was very nice and sympathetic but I just didn’t feel comfortable or confident. I am going to try a convetional therapist or psychiatrist soon and I’m hoping the next person will know what questions to ask me because I don’t really know where to begin or how to say the reasons why I am so depressed because there are so many reasons, that I can’t say them all in one, neat sentence. My mom was just telling me over the phone to promise her that I’ll never resort to taking medication for my depression and to ease her worry, I told her I wouldn’t but I don’t know if that’s a promise I can keep. But for her own sanity and peace of mind, I had to assure her I wouldn’t. She is dealing with so much stress in her life and I just couldn’t give her one more thing to worry about.

        I have been reading the Bible for about a week now, after years of not reading it. I am starting in the New Testament and though I cannot feel God close to me (come to think of it, I can’t say I have ever felt Him close…wish I could), I know He is there. I listen to Christian radio stations’ sermons when I’m in the car, which I enjoy but for some reason, the worship music makes me feel more blue, not better. How strange, huh?

        Thanks so much for your encouragement, anonymous. btw, how long did you see this counselor that you felt did not help you?

      2. Wow anonymous, you really a blessing, I’m single with 3 kids and for me its always been and looked impossible to thing I would never be married and will always be single.. and if there is one lesson I have learned is God is my all if it was bot for King Jesus I really don’t know where I would have been, He keeps me together… Blessings

  2. Dear Debra, thank you for your very encouraging messages every day. I would really like to hear what you think about your thought about this. This morning I was listening to a daily message by Francis Chan through Desiring God, “Why Christian Singles Are Marrying Later – Episode 508.” In that message, Mr. Chan was saying that 90% of Christian Singles who are marrying later are sexually immoral. I was very shocked by his statement. Is this true? I am now in 30s and single female Christian who has a desire to get married to the right guy. I spent my 20s for getting degrees for my ministry. I was waiting, waiting, waiting……. I am not sure if I was the only person who was hurt by his statement. Maybe this might be true for some. I have met very wonderful Christian couples whom I have respected for. I am very discouraged by this message online. This idea could be a major perspective from major Christians population. I am not really sure. Debra, I wonder if you could give me or us (other single Christians) any suggestions to deal with this kind of idea. Thank you. I really appreciate your ministry. Love, Annie

    1. Author

      I haven’t heard the message, but I am assuming that the point is when people are having sex they don’t need to “marry early” so that maybe the increase in premarital sex is influencing the age in which people get married. Either way, I wouldn’t worry about that statistic!! Because God knows your heart and knows what you need. God is so much bigger than statistics…and when you are moving toward Him, you are going in the right direction whether or not others think so. I am proud of you for waiting, and I believe with all of my heart that you’re making the right choice because it’s God’s choice. And for that, you will be blessed!!!

    2. Can you please provide a link to this Francis Chan message? I can’t find it on Desiring God’s website anywhere….

      1. Author

        Hi J! Just an FYI we don’t approve links in the comment section – too much work to have to go through and verify links to make sure they’re appropriate. Thanks for understanding!

  3. Wow!!! That was a great message to everyone not just for the single ladies or gents only but to all Christians.
    God doesn’t destiny anyone to be unhappy or lonely… Sometimes we make our choice and we end up making the wrong choice, of course not intentionally but irrational.
    “Deut 30:19″Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live!”
    Sometime I heard people saying that God is punishing them for their past sins and that is why they are still single. First of all, No one can withstand God’s punishment and Secondly, God forgives and forget our past record since we have reconsign with Him “1 John 1: 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”
    Debra, Thanks for sharing this great comment. Am blessed by it…

    1. Author

      I really like this verse, Richie…it’s so true that God gives us the power to choose…and something we need to be reminded of continually as we take responsibility for our actions and our responses to life. Thank you for this!!

  4. Newsletter from My Pastor
    Through the years I have seen that many times we sit back and wait on Jesus to do something for us, and we miss out on what is already available. Many people wait for the timing to be right, or they look for pastors and other people to agree with them. But with God and His promises, it’s always the right time. I encourage you to take hold of the promises of God for your life. Take personal responsibility for what you want from Him, and go after it. It may mean getting up, ignoring the opposition, and proclaiming out loud what is rightfully yours. Like Bartimaeus (Mark 10), it’s up to us to take responsibility if we want to receive from God.
    Culled Pastor Kenneth Hagin

    1. Author

      Amen!!! I love this. I think it’s so beautifully said and so true.

      1. Heh. Forgot about this one…… Well, I can be a solution for one single lady’s loneliness, but I don’t seem to find prospects in the churches I visit. Guess I’m fishing in the wrong pond………. Most of the time I dob’t know what to do to boost my odds.

  5. This might be the best comment I’ve read to anything ever. I appreciate that she addressed the friendship/companionship angle. Having and being that support has made a huge difference for me!

  6. Thank you for sharing, this is gold. To the sister who wrote that comment, bless you for your God given wisdom!

  7. Thank you for sharing the single woman’s perspective. I look to your site for encouragement and hope. I’m a single mom and want to be married. I’ve decided to place this area of my life in God’s hands. It has been an area of much focus and as a result profound pain. I know I may have to place it in His capable hands over and over but just as he helps me raise my son, pay my bills and start my ministry He is able.

    1. Author

      Amen…thank you so much, Keisha!! It’s so good to meet you and hear your story. Your life is in God’s hands, I believe that with all my heart. May He continue showing Himself and proving this to you over the course of the next few months. I think when we change our perspective- we see Him more clearly.

  8. Thanks for writing this awesome anonymous one! As fellow singleton I’ve found great comfort reminding myself of 3 things a mentor told me- He is good. He’s involved. And He is especially fond of me. As much as singleness is a disappointment to me it isn’t a surprise to God. (And like you said, I’m sure his heart aches with us). I can find rest in knowing the one who knows, and this spurs me on to look for what He has given me now and not fix too long on what I don’t have. Finding likeminded community to be vulnerable with and serve with is deeply fulfilling.

    1. Author

      He’s good. He’s involved. And He’s especially fond of me. –>> That is so good!!! I love that truth. This is beautiful.

  9. I only realized recently that I have indeed been angry with God for my singleness and believed the very worst of His intentions for my life–that He intended to make me miserable to make me holy. My mistaken view of God was very similar to that of the flagellates in earlier ages who believed they had to mistreat their bodies in order to reach spiritual perfection. Thank you for sharing this comment with us all! Understanding how often God has experienced rejection puts our own situations into much clearer perspective. How can we love and appreciation from those who reject God Himself?

    1. Author

      I totally agree with you, Leti…I think anger toward God creeps in without us even being aware of it at times. We question His intentions. We don’t trust Him- and often times because we don’t know Him well enough. I think if we could only get a GLIMPSE of His heart and deep love for us….we would be forever changed.

  10. I’ve thought that, but that was so eloquently and perfectly stated! Thank you to whoever worded that so well! I will continue to re-read it! God bless you for putting it into words for me to read.

  11. Debra, Thank you for sharing TheLordIsMyShepherd. I was encouraged and enlightened. God precisely knows where every needle in the haystack is located. I agree with TLIMS. As we seek God first and His Kingdom, all these things will fall into place. She mentioned “these end times” and I agree! As a single man not dating, I watch the chaos that goes on in the Christian dating scene. It’s frightening. People get hurt. I think the biggest problem with MEN in “these last days” is pornography! It’s free, it’s private, it’s safe, there is no commitment, and the man is in full control. What a sad state of affairs because these are all LIES! Men are afraid to commit in our crazy society. I pray the Lord Blesses those who seek marriage. It is God’s institution! For those of us who are single, may we be able to “enter into God’s rest” as we “wait upon the Lord”. Maybe God is sparing us from great emotional damage because He alone knows who would be best for us as a spouse. (The needle in the haystack) Yes, we have to do our part and trust in His wisdom if we are seeking a spouse. Stay in His Word! Learn His love! He has not forgotten us!

    1. Author

      Yes, He has not forgotten you, Dan!! I’m so glad you were encouraged by this. And I agree with you that pornography is a huge problem these days- some research even attributes pornography and sexual sin as correlated to the increase in people who decide not to get married in our country. Definitely something to think about and challenge us as a generation. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts.

  12. Oh my goodness, this article brought me to tears (in a good way). Wow wow wow. As a single, 26 year old woman, I’ve lately been feeling so alone and afraid that I’ll be “alone” forever. At times it’s felt like God is upset with me for my past sin and withholding a husband and children. But this post just brought so much encouragement and hope on such a (personally) painful topic. I need to focus on the truth of God’s love, not on feelings, and believe He hasn’t forgotten me. Thank you for sharing!

    1. Author

      I am so glad God spoke to you through this article!!! He is on your side, Allison!

    2. Hi Allison, I too have thought that I’m being punished for past sins and that being the reason for my current suffering but I am on the fence. Yesterday, I was listening to a sermon by Vernon McGee in which he said that suffering is sometimes the result of past sins and I’m assuming that he meant that even if one repents and asks for forgiveness from the Lord, that we will pay for it in one way or another. (The whole reaping what you sow concept, I suppose). I really don’t know. I can think of a few sins that I’d really like erased from my past and it haunts me to think that I’m paying for it now, with my singleness that I don’t want. If those sins were and are the reasons why I’ve not been given a husband at almost 39, then at least I’d know that there is a reason for my current station in life right now. The not knowing WHY, can really cause one to obsess over why everyone else is getting what they want while we sit here, alone, year after year after year.

  13. I agree with this post, the suffering of many singles all over the world is not Gods will. There were times when I thought that the situation with single Christian women outnumbering single Christian men, is not from God. Years ago my former youth leader said that he believed Christian relationships were being attacked by the devil. How can it be different, strong Christian marriages are a treat to the devils kingdom.

    As churches become more worldly, accepting the worlds ways and applying the Word less, it’s easier to attack the christian family. As the head of the family the man is heavily under attack. A lot of men are falling away from the faith due to sexual temptations, technology, materialism, etc. Another huge treat for Christian families is homosexuality.

    Feminism also slipped into the church and when the women took over men started leaving the church. Many Christian women (and men) have unbiblical views of men and women’s roles. Submission is like a curse word. There are women’s conferences, women’s prayer meetings, women’s support groups, women empowerment etc. All good, but where is the balance? I believe a lot of men are seeing church as a women’s and children’s club. They seem to believe that their job is outside in stead of inside the church. This is what I see as a Christian single woman in my country (not the USA). Some say maybe true, but why don’t the men take up their responsibility? I don’t know…. why didn’t Adam take his responsibility…..?

    1. Author

      Relationships are definitely under attack in a very real way…and the worst thing is that because our relationships are broken, we turn to God and blame Him for it, thus distancing ourselves from even Him. I am thankful for a generation of men and women like you who are learning to recognize God’s heart, and trust Him.

  14. This is something I’ve thought about and struggled with as well. I know God doesn’t want me to be unhappy, but doubts and even bitterness still creep in as I see my friends getting married while I’m “left out.” Her comment is so well-written, and very encouraging and comforting. Thank you for sharing it!

    1. Author

      I’m so glad you found it helpful, Marissa!! Even as a married woman, it encouraged me to look at all the other parts in my life that I sometimes fail to trust God and allow the seed of bitterness to take root. God is on our side…and He’s so faithful. He’s such a good friend!!

  15. Contentment is key! Regardless of your relationship status, being satisfied, content, joyful with what is before you is more important that the status itself. If we are truly surrendered to God and strive to live {with our redeemed nature} according to His desires for us, than we will/do have everything we need for life and godliness.

    The following is from the “Resolution for Women” by Priscilla Shirer and served as a huge tidal wave of truth as I have been tossed and turned on this wild ride of singleness…struggling to be content with what I have (relationally) rather than too focused on what I don’t.

    “The more you believe that God’s grace to you is overflowing, the more you’ll be convinced that you will always have everything you need. Your God can be trusted to grant you the supply you need to excel at His purposes. So if you don’t have it – what it is – it’s because you don’t need it. You may ‘want’ it, but it’s not necessary in order to accomplish what He knows is more important for your life today. Otherwise He’d have given it to you. He loves you too much to “withhold the good from those who live with integrity.” {Psalm 84:11)

    “Contentment is the equilibrium between the enjoyment of life now and the anticipation of what is to come. Contentment serves as a guard against desire gone wild. It is the key to unlock you from the bondage of unrestrained longing that wells up within your heart and inevitably begins to control your life, making you a slave to what you ‘don’t’ have instead of a fully engaged participate with what you ‘do’.”

  16. I agree with this! It’s quite true. Something I would like to point out though is that singleness isn’t bad either. It is actually also an oppertunity to do things for Christ that married couples can’t do. When you are married you have to prioritize your relationship with your spouse and possibly children, whereas a single doesn’t have that.
    I believe that marriage is beautiful and Godly and I believe that singleness can also be beautiful and Godly. I truely believe that maybe some of us are kind of called to be single so that we may be a bit more free to do work in community and so on. Singleness might be a fase or it might last your lifetime but either way you can always, always use it to His glory!
    Just as each of us have a part in the body of Christ we each are called to do different things, sometimes that requires us to be married or sometimes to be single. There is a time and place for everything and we have to remember that God knows what He’s doing with us and will carry us through that. There is always something good in everything, we just sometimes need to open our eyes. We need to remember that it’s also about bringing glory to God in any situation. He is faithful and He gives us many blessings, but even in the absence of good things, He is there and we have an eternal hope.
    And I really agree with her where she speaks about having friends because that helps a load! It’s not the same, but we were made to be in community and being with friends gives you oppertunity to love and be loved and teaches so much about relationships in general!

    1. Author

      You are so right in saying that singleness isn’t “bad” – but the truth is it’s a struggle for many people, and I think that’s okay. Like I write in True Love Dates- if you’re struggling, it’s just a sign that you were made to connect with people!! We have a lovers heart because we were created in the image of the GREATEST LOVER! But there are so many avenues of sharing that love, like you all have mentioned. Friendship is so important in this stage of life and in every stage.

  17. This is great! I appreciate more than ever every article written about singleness as although I’m sure churches don’t mean to, we are overlooked and it feels often looked at as faulty for not being able to find someone.

    This lady has clearly developed a well rounded view on the subject, it did hit me to think that God is as upset as I am about it, that he’s fighting for me rather than giving me singleness ‘as a gift’ (I can’t stand that phrase) which in a way he is for a time but not necessarily forever.

    1. Author

      You’re right, Sarah….sometimes others blame you for being single. Oftentimes, that blame makes people begin to blame themselves!! He’s fighting for you!!!!!!!! Amen!!!

  18. My search for a true mate has come up empty, though not for lack of trying. I’ve dealt with rejection and issues of self worth my entire life and the struggle continues. I’ve begun to think the common denominator in relationships ending Is me. My relationship with God has truly been questioned and wrestled with throughout this process and I’m still trying to make heads or tails of it.

    This site has been such an encouragement, particularly this post. This new perspective I’m hoping will get me through this day and tomorrow and the day after that for as long as Christ has me in this phase of my life. Today was a day filled with tears. My heart was heavy but now I feel a little lighter. Thank you for that.

    1. Author

      I am so happy to hear this, Shelby!! You affirm to me all that God is doing and the need that exists to speak into this topic more and more. Thank you so much for your sweet words- may God continue lifting your burden as you allow Him to carry it for you.

  19. Debra – Thank you for amplifying this anonymous comment. It affirms what the Lord has convicted me in the past year as well – that being a single woman wasn’t necessarily his original plan for me, but is partially a result of the brokenness of the world, and of my own brokenness as well. He frequently reminds me to trust Him, that He is good, and that will use my singleness for good and redeem it. Sanctification is the ultimate goal, whether in singleness or marriage. I love the idea of creating a community of other singles in our old age! Like a Christian retirement home or something. My mother expressed her worry about my growing old alone recently, as if it had never occurred to me before or something. Maybe that can be your next ministry (or someone’s ministry) to connect Christian singles to one another or to a community, haha….

    1. Author

      J, that would be an awesome ministry- and maybe one that God will open the doors for me to do sometime 🙂 I’ll keep you all posted, for sure!

  20. I appreciate the sentiment of the post, though this passage was a little confusing:

    “So often we don’t stop to think that maybe the Lord does NOT want us to be alone and is just as heartbroken as we are that we can’t find a godly spouse.” Better to be alone and want to be married than to be married to the wrong person/non-believer, I take it?

    If the Lord does not want us (meaning singles, myself included) to be alone, why does He not make a spouse available to us? God is in control of everything, gives us the desire for a spouse and yet He does not fulfill the need. It’s easy to be come resentful. It is frustrating though I continue to trust in Him, as challenging as it can be. I think there are many solid Christians out there that could be matched up but (for whatever reason) it doesn’t happen. Some days it seems like God is so busy heaping blessings on some people that He forgets about the rest of us (AKA singles). I know that sounds silly, I just want an opportunity at a relationship.

    Great site, Debra. Thanks for your efforts and encouragement

    1. Author

      Appreciate it, TKL!

      I think the bottom line, and what this comment is indicating, is that because we live in a fallen world- we have to deal with the consequences of sin and suffering. This applies to all areas of our life, not just singleness. Why doesn’t the Lord provide “a spouse” or “healing” or “money” – and on and on and on….I think we could ask that question about so many different things. We all have some sort of struggle in our life that we’re trying to overcome as a result of sin in this world. For some, that struggle is singleness, for others, it’s sickness, for others still, suffering in different ways…and instead of blaming God, we need to practice praising Him and trusting Him. I think it applies to all of us. God isn’t “blessing everyone else” – because little do we know the suffering of others when all we can see is our own suffering. Struggles and blessings oftentimes go hand in hand.

  21. Debra,

    I (sort of) understand where TKL is coming from. I often see people at work being ‘blessed’ with a spouse (the one thing you want but are not getting) and these are people who don’t even give God a thought. It hurts my heart that they are getting what I would like to have and here I am trying to put my relationship with the Lord first and foremost and basically feeling miserable. I know in my heart we are not to be envious of those who get what we want, but to be happy for them. I once heard Joyce Meyer say that if we can never be happy for someone who gets what we would like to have, there’s a good chance we will never get it.

    1. Author

      It’s definitely normal to feel discontent when you see that happening around you. I don’t believe that God punishes us for not being content by withholding His blessings- I think living in discontent sometimes is punishment enough- because when we’re envious of others we’re looking at all that God is NOT doing in our lives and we’re missing all the other things He IS doing….we’re robbing ourselves of joy that belongs to us!! That’s how I try to see it, anyway. Does that make sense?

  22. Hi Debra,

    Thanks so much for the article. I would be curious to know if any of your other readers have been struggling with establishing strong friendships with other single Christians…I do agree that friends help a lot, but I’m getting very discouraged, because it seems many people today that call themselves Christians are living a worldly lifestyle. Would love to have a mentor/prayer partner but I am finding one that’s’ equally yoked’ hard to find. Would appreciate your thoughts….feeling very lonely these days and long for Christian community!

    1. Author

      Emily you are so right! It’s hard to find a very good friend….for me, I try and see my friendships as fulfilling different roles in my life instead of trying to find one friend to fill every role. I have a friend to vent to and have coffee with, one that I tend to go to for prayer and deeper spiritual topics, an older woman from my church who is my dear mentor, and another friend who I connect with regarding “parenting”, etc….so it’s almost like each friend fills a different role in my life. I also have found the MOST equally yoked friends when I have prayed hard for them! Usually I stumbled upon them in places that I want to be- like bible study at church, or doing some sort of ministry work….and it seems like I have more in common with those friends as well.

    2. Hi Emily,
      Maybe we shouldn’t be focused on establishing friendships only with single Christians. Most of my best friends are married. My prayer partner is also a married women and she never makes me feel like I’m less than her. We pray for each other’s struggles both in marriage and in singleness. There are also couples I’m friends with, so don’t shut out the married people. And what about the elderly, there are many senior Christians who are lonely and you can get lots of wise counsel, life experiences and advice from them and have lots of fun too! Their views on relationships can be hilarious! Pray for God to bring good friends into your life.

  23. God is really an awesome God. It was just now I was seriously having an emotional turmoil of being single and I really felt like I was going to encounter my first depression, but thank God for prayer. I simply prayedand really poured out my ffrustration and asked for a word and somehow I ended up here. I am still in awe of what just happened. I just know this word was for me. Ask and it shall be given :). Amazing God. May the Lord continue to bless your ministry Sister Debra and even the lady who made that post. I can now rest assured being reminded of His love for me. Praise His name!

    1. Author

      What an incredible story!!! Thank you so much for sharing that. God led you here!! He knows what you need. He is ever-present and involved in your life. I’m thankful that He’s showed you His faithfulness today.

  24. Thank you for sharing this. Woww she spoke the truth and I believe she is the only i have read to have pointed that fact. One where we know it exist yet too blind to notice. Thank you for this eyes opening post.

  25. Great post! It almost got me into tears!

    I never thought of it like that. At least, not exactly… I do know that there aren’t many young adults at my church, so it’s hard for me to meet a Christian guy, but I didn’t realize that of course this means God has been reject it too and grieves just as much as we do.

    I still have hope for the future. I trust God and I am still young. But if I end up a lifelong single, I know I will still have God to turn to 🙂

    Thank you whoever wrote that comment! I will be praying for you!

  26. Maybe it’s because I’m a man, or maybe because I’m not Christian enough, but nevertheless I don’t really understand this. Sure, it’s quite possible that God is grieving, but it doesn’t make me any less single, or lonely. Sure, God doesn’t force people to love him (apart from threatening with hell), but he could certainly put in some effort in making churches, and faith in general, more attractive to young single men, instead of that grieving.

    1. Author

      Sometimes grieving is the best way to form intimacy. Not easy, not fun, but meaningful. Freddie, I always love your thoughts. You’re “Christian enough” for me 😉 May God continue His work in your heart and life. Blessings to you!

  27. Amen to this post! And I thank God that I found this site when I did, a couple of days ago. I haven’t experienced the enormous pressure that a lot of singles face because I haven’t gotten to that age where, in the part of the world where I come from, people find your singleness odd. However, the older I’ve gotten (especially within the past year) I’ve grown jittery concerning marriage and singleness. This is ‘cos as much as I want (and may someday yearn) that companionship of a spouse, with what I see in today’s world I would hate to end up with the wrong person. But at the same time I dread the pressure that is eventually bound to arise from people around if I stay single beyond the age they deem proper or “ripe”. I’ve seen p’pl who are older and have become quite bothered by their singleness and I wouldn’t want to ever feel that way. I’d hate to settle for anything less than God’s perfect will for me but sometimes I fear I might have to lower my standards just so I don’t end up alone because lately I’ve become pensive as to whether there is someone out there who will fit the bill.
    From the words of TheLordIsMyShepherd, I lift the following lessons that I’m certain will encourage and sustain me in life storms (in singlehood, however long it lasts, in marriage, whenever it comes, and in every other aspect of my life): God is aware of and concerned about me and my problems; much more important than my marital/single status is my friendship with God; His knowledge of my feelings springs from having been in same shoes from back when He walked the earth as human till date; in my times of trial the right friendships I have cultivated through the years will hold me up.
    God bless you Debra for bringing this message to light and whoever/wherever it’s author is, may God uphold her.
    I hope this blesses others as it has blessed me.

    1. …And here’s something else I realize: through all, the Lord is my Shepherd. Yes, the Lords prayer very much applies to the period of singleness as it does other aspects of our lives.

    2. Author

      Thank you so much for sharing!! I’m so glad you found us when you did. Look forward to interacting with you more 🙂 Blessings!!

  28. A great piece, I must say. Thanks to the lady that commented and thanks Debra for sharing. God bless you both.

  29. This reminds me of Elisabeth Elliot and Gladys Aylward’s conversation. Gladys’ answer is echoing..,

    She(Gladys) talked to the Lord about it(marriage). She was a no-nonsense woman and very direct and straightforward and she asked God to call a man from England, send him straight out to China, straight to where she was, and have him propose. I can’t forget the next line. With a look of even deeper intensity, she shook her little bony finger in my face and said, “Elisabeth, I believe God answers prayer. He called him,” and here there was a very brief pause and an intense whisper, which carried more power than her loudest voice. “He called him, but he never came” (Elliot).

    —–
    One thing is sure: God hears and answers us with complete joy and satisfaction.

  30. I am speechless. The maturity and love with which these words were written is beyond description. God bless this lady whoever she is. Amen.

  31. I love this little reminder. I am 27, and in the last 3 years I have seen and been a part of my 4 best friends’ weddings. I am the last one that is not only unmarried, but completely single. I have dated the worst guys, and they did not know Christ. Of course, at the time, I didn’t know Christ like I do now. It is becoming more difficult to see people move on in their lives while I am here. Alone. BUT then I have to check myself and remind myself that I’m not alone. I have a God who loves me more than I could ever ask for, I have a family who supports my every decision, I have sisters in Christ in a small group that I lead, and I’m in graduate school. The right guy will come into my life at the right time. God’s time. Thank you to the woman who wrote this post, and thank you, Debra, for passing it on to women like me!

  32. I’m crying my eyes out. I just got home from a high school girl friend’s wedding, and just found out via social media that a guy who broke my heart about 5 years ago is getting married (no, I wasn’t stalking him, we have mutual friends and one of them mentioned it) so I’m at a sensitive spot I guess… what I read here made me really sad, but it also really comforted me. However, I ask myself.. is there anything that escapes from God’s hand and plan? If I’m 26 and still single it must be because God ordained that it would be that way, for the time being. Don’t you think? It’s really hard and it really hurts sometimes, but I’d rather believe that God knows what He’s doing in my life.

    1. Author

      Hi Rommy! I just resurfaced this post today, and wanted to reach out to you and see how you are and where you are in life 🙂 Praying that God has shown you His faithfulness in many ways over the past two years. I’d love an update!!!

  33. “If you’re a single woman, try to band together with other lifelong single women, especially older women who’ve been widowed or divorced and likely won’t remarry”. – being divorced, isn’t something I chose. It’s horrible being in your late 40’s and now single. We have children. All my Godly women friends are married. It’s depressing because you don’t fit in at church or anywhere else. You don’t hang with the 20 somethings, the 30 somethings at church. You simply don’t fit in. My non Godly single friends are living with their boyfriends. This is depressing. “God is greived” -how does that help. It hurts even more because if God is powerless then what hope is there.

    1. Author

      Hi Michelle! I just resurfaced this post and wanted to comment on your comment and say just because God is grieved doesn’t mean He is powerless, in fact, He promises to take all the junk this world throws our way and turn it into something that’s beyond good…so sorry to hear of the hardships you’ve been through, and praying God would show you His love and faithfulness.

  34. I hate being single. Never married had horrible luck with women almost gave up on God but didn’t. I have a desire for love and sex but never get anywhere with women always feeling they don’t like. I just now want God to deal with It I can’t anymore so worn out.

  35. Rachel, your words hit home with me. Where is the balance? I’ve never been a believer nor supporter of women pastors, and became truly struck when attending a former church, the number of women leaders who’d since attained pastorship. And found it odd and rather noncomforting, a few who appeared to disrespect their own husbands, who’d long serviced in leadership themselves. I’ve heard over the years, from several married men and many divorced and single ones, how piteous the role changing has indeed “shaken the canister”. How concerning it’s become with not really knowing anymore, where the man stands, outside of remaining single and next to God.
    I am a true believer and supporter of the man being the headship of the household, as God originally had appointed things. What are your thoughts?

  36. I think part of the problem with how we view singleness and relationships is that we see dating and marriage as milestones in life to be reached and checked off the list. As a 22-year old single woman – who has never been in a relationship – I have given this subject a lot of thought and a lot of tears and a lot of prayer. I think we really have to stop viewing marriage and ‘finding the one’ as part of our purpose in life. God has been challenging me lately to find my identity and comfort and partnership in Him, not in if I have a relationship or not.

    The other night, I sat around a dinner table with some of my closest friends, together we make up our church’s youth leadership team. Suddenly I had the uncomfortable feeling of being the eleventh wheel – the only one who isn’t married, engaged or dating. I confess, it hit me hard and I battled tears all weekend. And, my single friends, it is a battle. What we have to remember is that singleness isn’t a curse of God! But when the going gets tough and you are wading through emotion and rejection and tears, go back to the word God gave you whether it be for your love life, or for your ministry. If you don’t think you had one, ask Him for one. Here’s a couple that He gave me:

    “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
    “Behold I am with you always.”
    “It’s time to stop waiting [for a husband]” (Not a scripture but it got my attention!)
    “Don’t pursue him, pursue Me.” (Also not a scripture.)

    God has actually given me a specific word about my relationship life which was confirmed by a complete stranger and I hold onto that when I’m really down, but He also told me, “Be patient”. Because this journey that we are on doesn’t end with marriage – it ends in heaven when we are worshipping before the throne. Everything else – including our love lives – are essentially extras along the way by which we can continue to follow Jesus.

    (Sorry… I got in my teaching mode and got a little carried away… XD)

    1. Author

      Girlfriend this is good stuff! Have you read True Love Dates? Sounds like we have kindred spirits here 🙂

      1. No, I haven’t read True Love Dates yet… it’s on that mile long list of books I really want to read. 😉 Looking forward to it though. 🙂

        1. Author

          Girlfriend!!!!!!!! Bring it to the top of the list this summer!! 🙂

  37. I disagree about how non marriage friendships can help you out practically. When you’re single, you have to do everything yourself: bills, chores, etc. Go to Relevant and look at their most recent article on being single.

    And instead of just whining about singleness and the state of the family, how about we do something about it? Like challenging men to take God seriously, that real men don’t look at porn, and don’t call feminism the spawn of Satan but should actually treat women as equals?

    1. Author

      Although, Rachel, I just have to say you still have to do your own bills and chores when you get married….and then they are doubled, triped, quadroupled with you have kids too 😉

      I agree with you though, I think it’s time to change the culture instead of only complaining about the culture. I’m hoping this website is one step in that process! Thanks for your comment as always!

  38. I needed this today. Today I turned 27 and it’s been a rough road watching my younger siblings find people and marry, wondering what’s wrong with me, why I can’t find love. But it’s encouraging to think about God’s heart breaking with ours and not being the cause of our disappointments. Thanks for another perspective.

    1. Author

      Praying for you today, Layaah – and happy belated birthday dear. My this be the BEST YEAR YET in Jesus’ name!

  39. The power of community is a real thing. It provides real support. I’m in the process of switching from a nice large church to a nice smaller church so that relationships with older church members are easier to build. I’m also trying to shift my hobbies from solo pursuits to doing them in group contexts. While this won’t fill the shape of the hole that a marriage would, building relationships and a healthy social circle definitely help take the edge off of loneliness and provide purpose.

    One thing I’ll say as a 30-something single guy is that it’s easier for me to handle being single when I decrease the romantic subject material I consume. Movies, TV, songs, etc. that focus on those relationships only build up the desires that can’t be realized right now, and only increase our propensity for bad choices.

    1. Author

      Such a good point, Tom!!!!!! My husband and I were just discussing this the other day regarding all aspects of life. Junk in = Junk Out.

      Thanks so much for sharing!

  40. This is such an interesting way to look at it. I love the idea that God grieves with us – honestly, that makes me feel a lot better. I know how much my parents desire for me to find someone and make a life with them–how much more does God (my heavenly Parent) desire that? I also had a thought though: while I really appreciate this perspective and totally agree that God grieves with us and as our good, good Father, desires good things for us. I also believe that nothing is impossible for God. As believers and followers of God, we are to react differently than the world. I know, easier said than done! That means, we shouldn’t be in a panic as the world is. Because we know Who is sovereign. Who is ALL powerful. While the world says, “hurry up and get married before it’s too late” God says, “trust in My sovereignty and know that My timing is perfect.” Again, easier said than done. So while I truly appreciate this perspective, I also want to remind others that God is God of the impossible. He can make rivers in deserts and ways in the wilderness. Yes, there are more women than men in the church, but is not our God bigger than that? If He wanted to change anything, all He must do is speak it into reality. It is comforting to know that God is right there with us, wanting so badly for marriage covenants between His children to happen more often. It is also comforting to know that He makes these covenants a reality.

  41. Thank You very much for this words, you spoke exactly what I’ve been dealing with, the loneliness, I know god loves me, but my god, it’s hard, i want to find a godly man to marry and hope to spend my life. People you can trust these days no more. I don’t like the nights, where i dream or imagine being kissed , i used to make friends, not be worry or nervous of things, I want to be brave less, fearless and be invincible for Christ. Thank you for sharing this, thank you! God bless!

  42. I came to the same conclusion about a year ago I think, I am 37 never married. For a long time thought ,why this was my path when He had put on my heart marriage and family from when I was a little girl, and though I was mad at him at times for his assuming failure I came to a place where I felt he grieved with me and for me and my situation. The situation of the world has only gotten worse in the years that I have seen it, and I see more and more men refuse to take on responsibility and action. They are also not to blame but their sin, disobedience and lack of conviction plays a big part and like God we have to respect peoples free will. I see my other single friends falling away from faith because off these disappointments and that God didn’t come thorough for them but I hang on to him because truly only he fully understands and cares for me and my pain. So ladies take heart the lover of you soul sees and loves you, yes He is not limited in what HE can do but it might happen for some off us but if not he has not cast you away because you are single. More so you are his special daughters who has a special place in his heart I want to believe. Take heart, God bless.

  43. Not sure if I agree with this. It seems like a contradiction or an oxymoron to say that God is sad about this situation, as if He can’t do anything about it. Isn’t He all powerful? Don’t we constantly talk about how He can work miracles and do whatever He desires to do? It logically doesn’t make sense to say that he is both sad about the situation and all-powerful.

    1. Author

      Well, how about when Jesus wept at the loss of his good friend Lazarus in the New Testament? God feels for us…even with the power that He has, he can connect and relate to our loss. That’s what makes him such a good God. I don’t think God’s ability to empathize with us in any way takes away His power – to me it just magnifies who He is and the reminder that HE IS FOR US.

  44. If there are fewer God-seeking single men out there, what implications does that have in the long term for God-seeking women? I struggle with this question because it seems like (I say seems like intentionally) we, the women, are ‘suffering’ because of fewer men looking to God. I’m attempting to reconcile this with God’s omnipotence, as the initial thought would be that, as the almighty, surely he can prompt hearts, even though he wants people to turn to him of their own free will.

    I know that men and women need platonic relationships, and those are invaluable. I’m wondering how that will look if, theoretically, all God-seeking men get married. In my case, the desire for that deep companionship and seeking God together is a deep-seated ache, not one that is born of sin. While He is purging me of the inappropriate manifestations of that desire, the desire in and of itself is not unGodly.

    Obviously I don’t expect anyone to actually be able to answer these questions, but although the article intended to help and give a new perspective, there still remains this fact – even if it is because fewer men are turning to God – that so many single women are, in some ways, ‘losing out’ because of something beyond our control, for the most part. We can call men out on their iniquities, but that doesn’t necessarily solve it if they don’t turn to God. It seems like a no-win situation for the women who are following God, and trying to give their desire for marriage to him, yet still without.

    1. Author

      Good question, Shelly. The truth is, I don’t know whether or not that’s true….my gut would say it’s not true, the truth is that we are all flawed, this world is flawed, and it flaws God’s plans for our lives. That’s the bottom line. I didn’t want to pick and choose what I posted from the comment, so I posted the whole thing because truthfully there are a lot of good nuggets in there to takeaway.

      I will go back to what I say in my book, True Love Dates, and the entire message behind my ministry here: healthy people attract healthy relationships, so the key is to continue becoming as healthy as we can be in every aspect socially, emotionally, spiritually and psychologically as part of the process – whether or not we end up in a relationship, true health will benefit us along the way. It’s a win-win! I believe there is much to be redeemed in this conversation, because God is longing to change lives and restore relationships. This isn’t a dead-end, it’s only the beginning!!!!!!!!! Amen?

    2. I will also add that the situation is not as hopeless as it seems. I have a lot of good-quality guy friends that are still single. Being a guy is not a magic ticket to an automatic marriage. The world is a messy place, and there are a lot of circumstances that can affect things. Not everyone gets married at 22. Personally, I went to secular universities, where there weren’t good options, and then in the working environment I have landed in there are not good local options.

      Hope exists. There are guys out there. I’m glad there are so many stories of different ways people have met. Life doesn’t work the same way for everyone.

  45. God wants you to find your soul mate. But you need to be able to find happiness in and by yourself and have right relationship with God first. Unless both couples join with right relationship to God, we are going to continue to have divorces, which can be even more painful than being single all your life.

    You should be self reliant not rely on another human being to bring you happiness. Instead share the happiness you already have with God with your Soulmate. A key to successful marriage is when BOTH couples are already
    self reliant and already happy as individuals, yet seek to magnify their happiness in His name by uniting.

    Now a much more serious comment:
    Men and woman are clearly different physically, and there are differences. But we are brain washed into thinking men are less sensitive than women. In fact men are just as sensitive as woman, in many cases more. The fact that men are suppose to suppress this sensitivity is very unhealthy. Men are told you are strong and less sensitive, you go in military and fight. Then they realize after joining military they have been lied to. All men and woman eventually figure out they have heart of Jesus and are conscientious objectors. So it should not be a surprise that one of the biggest killer of military is not just combat, it is suicide! I even see this message at the veterans hall when I went to the last dance. OVER 22 veterans die each day from suicide! That is over 8000 per year, and this is just the Americans. Why should that surprise you?

    So men and women please stop the myth that men are not sensitive, they are just as sensitive as women. Both suffer in a divorce. Men (and now women) going to war come back permanently damaged mentally, even if they survived the war. There is probably a reason why it says DO NOT KILL.

  46. This is a great post. I just had a similiar discussion with a friend who said she felt like God had left her. This was post break up from another guy. I myself have been singke for a while as well, but I know that God has my best interests in mind. I keep reminding myself that if God closes the door leave it shut cause he will open a better door for me when he feels I’m ready. I like this post as she remains positive about being single.

  47. I recently discovered that it is very common for my MBTI type to remain single longer and to marry later in life than other types. I can’t tell you how much peace this information has given me – I wish I had known this 25 years ago. All to say that while I and others were busy trying to figure out what was wrong with me, men, God, my parents, society – nothing was really “the problem.” Yes, there are always going to be potential barriers and areas of personal improvement, but I’m just a little bit different than other people – and my expectations are different – so it’s not necessarily right to say that there is something wrong just because I haven’t gotten married – yet.

    Also I’m personally not worried about stats because if I was one to be worried about them, I’d have to be really worried about them. On a personal level, it doesn’t matter if there aren’t enough men to go around – God can certainly work around that, but I do believe I have to be open to the work around. I do think our unhappiness grieves God, but I think we have to be better at hearing Him in order to address the situation. In other words – He may be stepping in to solve our problems but if we’re too focused on the problem, rather than looking to Him in faith, we might miss the solution.

    So I’m embracing the fact that my story looks different from those of many of my peers and family and it’s okay. I might have missed out on some things – well, a lot actually, but it doesn’t make my story or perspective less valid. Very liberating thoughts.

  48. I hate to say it, but this made me feel more sad! God being just as upset as I am makes me feel even more down, because I want to believe that God is able to provide despite the worldly circumstances out there (single women outnumbering single men, etc.). So when I think of what the author is saying, it makes me want to throw up my hands and be like “Well! If God is as disappointed as me, then can’t He DO something about it? Instead of being just as let down? It doesn’t help for us both to feel bad!” I didn’t get much of a hopeful nor happy feeling from this perspective. I actually feel even more hopeless.

    1. Author

      On the other hand, Terri….we serve a God who feels for us!! How beautiful is that? He is no so removed from our hurts and sufferings that He doesn’t get it. Even in his power, He cries with us, like he did with Mary and Martha when Lazarus died, even though HE KNEW he would raise Him again only moments later. To me, that fills me with hope because it reminds me that my God understands even my emotional struggles! Yet He is still able to help me overcome….it’s the best of both worlds 🙂

  49. As I approach the age of 40 this year, I look back and realize it has been nine years since I last had anything that resembled a relationship with a lady. Since the desire is no longer there to start and raise a family, perhaps God is saying that I should stay single. There comes a point in time when you just have to listen to what God says and do it, even if you don’t like it and understand that his plans and yours may not mix. Granted, we should do it with gladness but most of the time when you have to kill off a dream, it comes with sadness.

  50. I’m in the minority here, but I strongly disagree with Anonymous’ remarks (herein referred to as “Anon”) as posted in this article, chiefly because she doesn’t provide any concrete support or proofs for her statements nor are we provided any factual grounds for the basis of her remarks. As an initial disclaimer, I mean no disrespect to Anon nor do I condemn nor discredit her feelings, life situation, opinions, etc. But she would have done well to clarify and provide support for her remarks other than use her personal feelings as “facts” (or else directly claim these were her opinions, which would have made some of the more fact-esque remarks she makes less nettlesome).

    First, I must raise the question of what Anon means when she refers to herself as a “lifelong single.” Is this individual 80+ years old and, hence, does not presume she can ever marry due to advanced age? Or is she 20, 30, 40, etc. and still perfectly able to marry? We’re never told. In truth, no one knows whether he or she will be a “lifelong single” until he or she has passed from this life (i.e. if you die and you are not married and never married, then you are a “lifelong single”). Otherwise, the chance for marriage exists as long as one is alive and one is open to the idea and opportunity. Men and women wed at all ages; so, as long as you’re still alive, you are not necessarily going to be a “lifelong single” unless you choose not to marry or otherwise spurn the opportunity. (If, perhaps, Anon meant by the phrase “lifelong single” that she has never married, she should have clarified that rather than imply she’s been single her entire life with the undercurrent that she will remain so until death. No one knows the future but God, who doesn’t share the future with us.)

    Second, Anon makes it sound like God has His hands tied. Godly marriages still occur, and some are nothing short of miracles in the eyes of the couples involved. To say God is “just as heartbroken as we are that we can’t find a godly spouse” implies that God is surprised by human cultural trends and is just as equally powerless to intervene, which isn’t true on both accounts. (I trust Anon didn’t intentionally mean to communicate that but, again, some clarification would have been helpful so the implication wasn’t there.)

    Third, just because the world is in a fallen state does not mean it, or its people, are irredeemable. “Evil times” have existed ever since the Fall, so what we’re seeing today in terms of a disregard for moral law is “nothing new under the sun” (to quote the author of Ecclesiastes). Negative news and tragedies are somehow deemed more newsworthy and easier to over-dramatize than good news; hence why it can seem like the entire world is in disarray when, in truth, Christ still has an influence. Likewise, the “End Times” commenced when Christ ascended into heaven; hence, the world has been in expectation of His return since then, which covers a massive span of time. So this statement that Anon makes as for the reason why Christians don’t get married anymore (i.e. because the world is in “evil times” and the “End Times”) is, again, a blanket statement with an emotional bearing more so than a factual one.

    Fourth, how does Anon know – for a fact – that “single women outnumber single men in churches three to one”? Where are her specific statistics, case studies, resources, references, etc.? I taught 10+ years as a college professor with classes that focused on argument and the structure and support of argumentative claims, so seeing someone make an arguable claim without backing data for support strikes a nerve with me. To claim something like what Anon does is overly broad and unduly burdensome to prove as the only way one could know if this ratio exists would be to visit every church in a given country (much less the world) and manually determine the ratio of single women to single men. Likewise, Anon again makes it appear that God has His hands tied as, “there will necessarily be many single Christian women without husbands,” regardless of how many prayers go up, I suppose. I am sure this is not the image of God Anon intended to present, but she makes Him come across as clueless, powerless, and weak. This sentiment is carried over into her other paragraphs where it sounds as if God cannot enable His people to carry out his plans. What God has set about to do, He will do, and to limit Him in any way puts restrictions on the power of Almighty God who, shall we be reminded, brought people back from the dead and enabled elderly, barren couples to have children of their own – feats surely easy to do compared to helping someone find a godly husband or wife!

    One topic Anon fails to touch on is prayer. If you desire to be married, then pray for a spouse! And, yes some of us may have to wait for a while (I’m 35 right now and currently single) but that doesn’t mean a delayed marriage will be a bad or second-rate marriage. Again, there is no cut off age for marriage. God leaves the choice for us to remain single or get married in our hands and He won’t take that away (unless, by some divine revelation, as he did so with the prophet Jeremiah, he directly instructs someone not to marry; but this is decidedly rare and I’d strongly question it if someone did claim that). If I want to stay single the rest of my life, that’s my choice, not God forcing me into it or “calling” me to do so. But if I desire to marry – and I do! – then I pray, trust Him to direct my life, and trust He will place me in the right place, at the right time, among the right people. That may happen tomorrow, next month, next year, or years from now. But, again, there is no age limit on marriage.

    Fifth, God “has been rejected by probably 90% of the people on this earth,” Anon states. Again, where is the proof – the research, the studies, etc.? This isn’t concrete data but personal opinion presented as fact, which bears no weight in terms of serving as proper support for an argumentative claim. Instead, this is a logical fallacy called hasty generalization, and, when one breaks a percentage like this down, it doesn’t even make mathematical sense. (Thus, according to Anon, only 10% of the world is Christian? That’s an absurdly low figure and doesn’t seem to correspond with current percentages of major world religious groups per country [see the CIA’s World Factbook on world religions broken down by country where many of these nations still cite Christian denominations as their principle religion].)

    Sixth, while it’s fine for single women to befriend other singles, married women shouldn’t be excluded. But Anon makes a faulty claim that friendship can “fulfill a lot of the same practical and emotional needs.” Sorry, but no. Friendship with a member of the same sex is not akin to a marriage relationship, not even on a practical level as, first and foremost, female friendships are devoid of the perspective men provide by default. A female friend can be a wonderful asset and a blessing, but she cannot, in any way, fulfill the role of a husband.
    Seventh, again, who is to say a certain age is too old to marry (“older women who’ve been widowed or divorced and likely won’t remarry”)? I was once friends with a woman who had been widowed for years and eventually remarried in her 80s (and she and her husband remained married for several years until she passed). Certainly someone in her predicament would have been deemed as “likely to not remarry” – yet she did. Hence, to make blanket statements like this is, again, a hasty generalization.

    In short, the above article was erroneously classified as “Advice and Encouragement” as its advice is logically unsound and is devoid of any actual encouragement. The comment should have been better followed up on by the site’s editors than simply inserted into an article and presented “as is” with no explanatory footnote regarding its statements (aside from “Preach it, girl!,” which doesn’t qualify as a serious reflection).

    Again, I’ve not intended my remarks to discredit Anon’s personal story or her feelings, but one must be careful when making certain claims and then expecting readers to presume them to be accurate “just because.” To even imply that God is powerless to give His children mates is absurd, and, while I’m sure that wasn’t Anon’s intent, her remarks were never further clarified by herself or others nor filtered through a lens of discretion by the site’s editors.

    Just my two cents! 🙂

  51. Then there are many of us good men nowadays that are certainly not single by choice since it is so very difficult for us to meet a good woman to share our life with as well.

  52. I read this comment a while ago and I thought it was such a wise answer.

    Especially, this part: “single women outnumber single men in churches three to one. God is not willing that anyone should perish, but we know that He doesn’t force people to turn to Him. If so few single men in the US have chosen Him, there will necessarily be many single Christian women without husbands.”

    She should definitely do a guest post, I’d love to hear more from her!

  53. Well unfortunately this is a very difficult time for many of us good men too looking for love today since the women of today have really changed from the past. Now i will really explain why it has become so very difficult for many of us men which i have friends that i know going through the very same thing as well. Most of the women of today have really changed like i just said since so many women today now have their careers and will only want the very best of all and will never settle for less because of their greediness and selfishness that they carry around with them everywhere they go today. Lets face it, most of the women making a very high salary now will never ever go with a man that makes much less money then they make. They will never be able to accept a man for who he really is since it is all about money for these women today unfortunately. And the very sad thing is that the great majority of the women today want a man with a lot of money since many of these women anyway are real users and losers as well. Now there are many of us very good men out there that are not like that at all since it really doesn’t matter to us how much money a woman makes these days and as long as we could just meet a good woman which will be great. Just remember it does really take two too tango. Peace.

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