The Secret to Epic Sex is Virginity (And other lies we believe…)

In Advice and Encouragement, Marriage, Relationships by Debra Fileta

Misconception #2: If you wait until marriage, sex on your wedding night will be epic!

They had been married for two years – but they were still virgins. They had entered the process of being sexually intimate carrying a lot of baggage. They had been told their whole lives how bad, shameful and dangerous sex was, and now- all of a sudden- they were supposed to see it as good, incredible, and amazing. They didn’t even know where to begin unpacking and unlearning all that they’d believed. There were things to work through, and wounds from their past that needed to be healed. They didn’t know where to start.

It might sound crazy to you, but these are some of the things you don’t get to hear from the outside looking in: Men and women, saving themselves for marriage, but then struggling to enjoy all that they have saved.

Somewhere along the way, there’s a misconception that if we save ourselves for marriage- our wedding night will be filled with hours and hours of amazing hot sex. We imagine all the stars aligning in that perfect moment, our bodies naturally taking over, knowing exactly just what to do. And then the moment comes, and it’s never exactly how we thought it would be. Though maybe not as extreme as the couple I mentioned above, I hear from so many couples whose wedding night was filled with frustration, fears, and the shedding of a few tears.

Part of the problem is that we often go into marriage with unrealistic expectations. I’m not even sure where these expectations come from, but they are definitely ones that I, too, believed somewhere along the way. I’m thankful for honest friends and mentors who came along side of me and spoke truth into my life long before I got married, helping me set things straight! Here are some truths I learned about this very important subject:

1. Waiting is ALWAYS worth it, but not for the reasons we think: We often tell young men and women that they need to wait until marriage to enjoy sex, but fail to tell them why, or make them think that virginity is the one and only key to a fulfilling sex life come wedding night. But none of those things are the REASONS we wait. We don’t wait so that we can we can have an evening of ecstasy on our honeymoon night (because trust me…that’s RARELY the case) .

We wait because through the process of waiting our relationship is built, our trust is strengthened, and our commitment to one another is tried, tested, and refined (See Chapter 8 of True Love Dates for much more on this!). We wait because through the process of waiting, we learn discipline, self-control, reverence for the sacred. We wait because it’s an act of worship and obedience, to a God who knows exactly how we’re wired, what we need, and what is best for our lives. Our waiting is an act of trusting….and trusting God always leads to greater things (INCLUDING greater sex along the way!)

2. Sex is a Process: They say good sex starts in the kitchen- and it does. What’s meant by that is that it’s in the every-day interactions with one another that our sex lives begin to grow, to form, and to take shape. Through marriage you learn that sex isn’t this one-time action in the moment like the Hollywood movies tend to portray. Real-life sex in it’s intended form is a process. It’s a process of learning selflessness, trust, communication, and a whole lot of grace. It’s a process of learning to be vulnerable, asking for what we need and trusting our spouse to meet us where we’re at. It’s a process of becoming a better person as much as it is about becoming a better lover. The framework of marriage is the one way that we get to watch this process unfold in the most meaningful way – the process of becoming healthy, becoming whole, and becoming one. There’s a lot to learn about having a healthy sex-life. It’s a life-long process of learning along the way, not something that you can figure all out on your wedding night.

3. Practice makes Perfect: I look back at our wedding night and I have to chuckle a bit. I’ll spare you the details, but it was quite a learning curve filled with laughs, trial and error, and a whole lot of practice. But practice makes perfect, and I have to say I am honored to have the chance to practice with this man that I love so deeply for the rest of our lives. That’s what marital sex it’s all about.

Just like anything significant in life, good sex takes time, energy, and practice to get better. I hear from older couples who are investing in their relationship and thriving in their marriage that their sex life always follows suit- getting healthier, happier, and more exciting along the way! I recently met a couple in their 60s who said their sex life is the best it’s ever been! The honeymoon was simply the start: the beginning of the life-long journey. It’s important for us to have healthy expectations of this thing called sex long before we enter a marriage relationship.

For those of you who are still waiting, continue trusting God with your heart, your desires, and your needs – He will always come through. Your wait will never be in vain. 

For those of you who are married, remember that sex is a process- one that must be talked about, learned about, and practiced…one that comes with it’s ups and downs, yet can always lead to greater intimacy along the way. If you find yourself struggling, don’t be ashamed or afraid to seek the help of a professional counselor to help you along the way, that’s our job!

Sex is holistic, because it involves the health of our bodies- but also the health of our hearts, minds, and souls. No matter who you are or what your relationship status, may God guide you into the healing of every one of these parts….starting today.

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Thanks for tuning into our SEX Series! Be sure to catch up on all the older posts! Don’t miss Misconception #3 by subscribing your email!

What’s been your experience with this topic? Leave your comment below!

For more on the topic of dealing with desires while single, check out this 40 minute audio lesson called “Sex and the Single Life: What to do with Desires While You Wait!”. 

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Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, speaker, and author of True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life21 Days to Jump Start Your Love Life, and 21 Days to Pray For Your Love Life – where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. You may also recognize her voice from her 150+ articles at Relevant Magazine or Crosswalk.com! She’s also the creator of this True Love Dates Blog!  Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter or book a session with her today!