The Secret to Epic Sex is Virginity (And other lies we believe…)

In Advice and Encouragement, Marriage, Relationships by Debra Fileta12 Comments

Misconception #2: If you wait until marriage, sex on your wedding night will be epic!

They had been married for two years – but they were still virgins. They had entered the process of being sexually intimate carrying a lot of baggage. They had been told their whole lives how bad, shameful and dangerous sex was, and now- all of a sudden- they were supposed to see it as good, incredible, and amazing. They didn’t even know where to begin unpacking and unlearning all that they’d believed. There were things to work through, and wounds from their past that needed to be healed. They didn’t know where to start.

It might sound crazy to you, but these are some of the things you don’t get to hear from the outside looking in: Men and women, saving themselves for marriage, but then struggling to enjoy all that they have saved.

Somewhere along the way, there’s a misconception that if we save ourselves for marriage- our wedding night will be filled with hours and hours of amazing hot sex. We imagine all the stars aligning in that perfect moment, our bodies naturally taking over, knowing exactly just what to do. And then the moment comes, and it’s never exactly how we thought it would be. Though maybe not as extreme as the couple I mentioned above, I hear from so many couples whose wedding night was filled with frustration, fears, and the shedding of a few tears.

Part of the problem is that we often go into marriage with unrealistic expectations. I’m not even sure where these expectations come from, but they are definitely ones that I, too, believed somewhere along the way. I’m thankful for honest friends and mentors who came along side of me and spoke truth into my life long before I got married, helping me set things straight! Here are some truths I learned about this very important subject:

1. Waiting is ALWAYS worth it, but not for the reasons we think: We often tell young men and women that they need to wait until marriage to enjoy sex, but fail to tell them why, or make them think that virginity is the one and only key to a fulfilling sex life come wedding night. But none of those things are the REASONS we wait. We don’t wait so that we can we can have an evening of ecstasy on our honeymoon night (because trust me…that’s RARELY the case) .

We wait because through the process of waiting our relationship is built, our trust is strengthened, and our commitment to one another is tried, tested, and refined (See Chapter 8 of True Love Dates for much more on this!). We wait because through the process of waiting, we learn discipline, self-control, reverence for the sacred. We wait because it’s an act of worship and obedience, to a God who knows exactly how we’re wired, what we need, and what is best for our lives. Our waiting is an act of trusting….and trusting God always leads to greater things (INCLUDING greater sex along the way!)

2. Sex is a Process: They say good sex starts in the kitchen- and it does. What’s meant by that is that it’s in the every-day interactions with one another that our sex lives begin to grow, to form, and to take shape. Through marriage you learn that sex isn’t this one-time action in the moment like the Hollywood movies tend to portray. Real-life sex in it’s intended form is a process. It’s a process of learning selflessness, trust, communication, and a whole lot of grace. It’s a process of learning to be vulnerable, asking for what we need and trusting our spouse to meet us where we’re at. It’s a process of becoming a better person as much as it is about becoming a better lover. The framework of marriage is the one way that we get to watch this process unfold in the most meaningful way – the process of becoming healthy, becoming whole, and becoming one. There’s a lot to learn about having a healthy sex-life. It’s a life-long process of learning along the way, not something that you can figure all out on your wedding night.

3. Practice makes Perfect: I look back at our wedding night and I have to chuckle a bit. I’ll spare you the details, but it was quite a learning curve filled with laughs, trial and error, and a whole lot of practice. But practice makes perfect, and I have to say I am honored to have the chance to practice with this man that I love so deeply for the rest of our lives. That’s what marital sex it’s all about.

Just like anything significant in life, good sex takes time, energy, and practice to get better. I hear from older couples who are investing in their relationship and thriving in their marriage that their sex life always follows suit- getting healthier, happier, and more exciting along the way! I recently met a couple in their 60s who said their sex life is the best it’s ever been! The honeymoon was simply the start: the beginning of the life-long journey. It’s important for us to have healthy expectations of this thing called sex long before we enter a marriage relationship.

For those of you who are still waiting, continue trusting God with your heart, your desires, and your needs – He will always come through. Your wait will never be in vain. 

For those of you who are married, remember that sex is a process- one that must be talked about, learned about, and practiced…one that comes with it’s ups and downs, yet can always lead to greater intimacy along the way. If you find yourself struggling, don’t be ashamed or afraid to seek the help of a professional counselor to help you along the way, that’s our job!

Sex is holistic, because it involves the health of our bodies- but also the health of our hearts, minds, and souls. No matter who you are or what your relationship status, may God guide you into the healing of every one of these parts….starting today.

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Thanks for tuning into our SEX Series! Be sure to catch up on all the older posts! Don’t miss Misconception #3 by subscribing your email!

What’s been your experience with this topic? Leave your comment below!

For more on the topic of dealing with desires while single, check out this 40 minute audio lesson called “Sex and the Single Life: What to do with Desires While You Wait!”. 

sex-single-life

Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, speaker, and author of True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life21 Days to Jump Start Your Love Life, and 21 Days to Pray For Your Love Life – where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. You may also recognize her voice from her 150+ articles at Relevant Magazine or Crosswalk.com! She’s also the creator of this True Love Dates Blog!  Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter or book a session with her today!

Comments

  1. Pray everyone is feeling on top of the world
    1. Trusting God always leads to greater things
    2. Like anything significant in life, it takes time, energy and practice to get better
    3. He will always come through. Your wait will never be in vain.
    These are my take away for more than the topic. Thank you

  2. GREAT article… Was just in a group yesterday on a Christian college campus where the dangers behind this lie were discussed. Thanks for bringing reality and wisdom to a much under-discussed topic.

  3. great article for people who have been told all of their lives that sex is “the bad thing”.I am divorced after 18 years for reasons not in my control but the one thing I can tell you is that sex does not begin in the bedroom, a healthy knowledge of each other and both of you being guided by God can help you to have the most wonderful passionate sex life. In a relationship it is the icing on the cake and what a wonderful flavor it can be if you can come to the point where you realize it is the one place where you can physically share your love with each other. when I speak to my children about sex in a marriage I never refer to it as, the bad thing.I want them to understand it can be one of the most wonderful things that can bring a couple closer together in a healthy relationship. And my hope is that more people can teach their children these things, in the confines of a Godly marriage.

  4. Thank you so much Deb for this awesome practical truth !! I need to learn a lot to prepare myself for marriage with God’s chosen Spouse for me.. God bless you for guiding us … <3

  5. I’ve spoken to many, many women who did wait for marriage and found that their sex lives were terrible, that they weren’t sexually compatible, and that the burden of having waited only to be disappointed caused them immense pain within their marriages. It’s different for every person, naturally, but the promise of good sex if you wait is based entirely on conjecture – there’s literally no way to prove it, and those who acknowledge that waiting wasn’t actually a great idea are often shamed into silence because they’ve been told their whole lives that sex will be great within marriage. The painful reality that it’s not actually that great for them makes them think something’s wrong with them, instead of with the false promise that sex will be better if you wait.

    That’s what’s wrong with purity culture – it puts sex on this pedestal, convinces people of things that are not true, and then shames them as faulty when it doesn’t happen. It is far more forgiving and gracious to look at sex as merely another part of a relationship and not a magical fix.

  6. God’s Word never disappoints. I’m a virgin! I date, I don’t remain as I am because of fear! I’m happy to honor the God who first loved me and pursued me recklessly.
    My last boyfriend told me he loved the way I expressed myself with him. I love being with him physically, too! Kissing was fantastic and he was beautiful! I don’t feel shame , never hesitated and I’m so thrilled to have freedom!
    I believe when you don’t understand YOUR WHYS life can be unfulling!
    I give my all to God and Trust him in the process of dating. I’m not marrying every man I date and not ever date turns to a relationship. But relationships I’m involved in I communicate who I am and my boundaries. My last boyfriend respected them and there was therefore gratefully freedom in our interaction.

  7. “For those of you who are still waiting, continue trusting God with your heart, your desires, and your needs – He will always come through. Your wait will never be in vain. ”

    The statement quoted above is an outright falsehood. There are certain people that God has written off as far as having the type of relationship you’re describing in this post. They’ve been written off because of physical limitations or other issues that make having a marital relationship physically or emotionally difficult or impossible.

    And you make it sound like it’s the person’s fault for not waiting forever. That’s an incredibly insensitive mindset

  8. As a person who waited for sex, got married to someone who also waited, am now divorced and still a virgin at 46…I can still confirm that waiting is the right thing.

    I feel I have pretty healthy image about sex and was not shy about going into marriage (at age 28) knowing it would need work. Failure on the honeymoon did not deter me. However, even though we did not divorce for that reason (after 7 years of marriage), it did not change my opinion sex would be good and right with the right person.

    I did date someone for six months a few years ago. I’d known him off and on for a number of years. We got very close and physically intimate but we never had sex. He was used to having casual sex but I found I couldn’t. (And by couldn’t… without too much detail… all systems were on ‘go’ but my mind and heart weren’t in it.) I was looking for that connection. And it wasn’t there.

    At this juncture, I’m content to wait. It may never happen that I get married again, but I know in my heart of hearts it is not in me to have sex outside of marriage. I know I have to trust that person and they have to be open and loving for me to go there – neither of which I had in those two relationships. I know once I find that person, the sex will be (eventually) amazing BECAUSE of that trust and closeness.

    So I can echo and support what this article says… having been there and not done that. 😉

  9. Wowh! What a message!’ Trusting God leads to greater things ‘. I think l’m blessed by this message . And my prayer as l’m waiting ,is that God will bless me with A Debra! Bless you Mama.

  10. Dear Debra, you are great. Thank you for all the effort that u are doing to help us. I have got a lot of basic points about buildind a healthy marriage or family. Now i have one question ” connect me with only one Godly woman.” God bless you mightily.

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