Say Goodbye To Your Ex

In Dating, Relationships by Debra Fileta6 Comments

Q: Is it okay to stay friends with an ex?

A: We’ve all seen it happen. Maybe we’ve even been through it.

Boy meets girl.

Boy likes girl and girl likes boy back.

Boy and girl date.

Things don’t work out.

Boy and girl breakup.

Boy and girl feel hurt.

And in order to try make it feel less painful, boy and/or girl suggests: let’s stay friends.

While it may seem like a noble suggestion, let me be blatantly honest here….I know very FEW (if any) situations in which staying friends with an ex proved to be beneficial.

In fact, most of the time, it’s the exact opposite: risky. Usually, one of two things tends to happen when an ex boyfriend/girlfriend try to “stay friends”.

1. You fall back into a romantic relationship (the exact one that didn’t work out to begin with). When two people decide to break up, there’s usually a good reason. In most cases, something didn’t work out or maybe something was lacking in the relationship that led you to that decision. But when you break up and decide to “stay friends”, often times what happens is that slowly your interactions with one another start morphing back into a romantic relationship, because that’s what you’ve had for so long.

Texting, talking, and getting together end up keeping you feeling emotionally stuck (and sometimes even intensifying your feelings) rather than allowing you the distance you need to move on. And in some cases, staying friends with an “ex” ends up leading your relationship back down the path of physical intimacy….so you end up being “friends with benefits” rather than giving your heart, mind, and body a chance at true healing and closure. 

2. You end up harboring feelings of resentment and jealousy. The other thing that often happens when you choose to hold on to a relationship after a breakup, is that you end up going semi-crazy. You know exactly what I’m talking about, don’t you? The late night Facebook stalking, just to see where your ex is and who she/he is hanging out with.

The mixed emotions start creeping in on you when you see them start to move on or begin interacting with someone else of the opposite sex. On one hand, you know they weren’t good for you – but on the other hand, you’re not ready to see them with someone else. Why put yourself through the roller coaster ride of resentment and jealousy? Why allow yourself to watch their life unfold in bitterness, rather than focus on living life for yourself?

LEARNING TO LET GO

When I went through a difficult break up many years ago, the temptation was definitely there to continue holding on to hope by holding on to friendship. But what it ended up doing was causing more confusion, and prolonging the pain. It’s like I couldn’t really begin to heal until I finally let go – emotionally, mentally, physically.

Looking back, I really believe now that God was waiting for me to open my hands in surrender before He was ready to place someone new in my life.

When your fists are closed tightly trying to hold on to a relationship that isn’t good for you, you aren’t free to receive the new things God has in store.

In order for real healing to begin, you have to learn to let go and move on.If you were the one who was doing the breaking up, you have to acknowledge that there’s a reason you chose to break things off and trust your God-given instinct. If you were the one that was “broken-up with”, remember that healthy relationships are a two-way street: two people loving, giving, and desiring one another. You shouldn’t have to “convince” someone to stick around, or try and make them comeback. Wait for someone who is just as into you as you are into them.

Because closure doesn’t come when someone closes the door for us….closure comes when we choose to close the door ourselves. So do yourself a favor today – and say goodbye to your ex!

Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, speaker, and author of True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life21 Days to Jump Start Your Love Life, and 21 Days to Pray For Your Love Life – where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. You may also recognize her voice from her 150+ articles at Relevant Magazine or Crosswalk.com! She’s also the creator of this True Love Dates Blog!  Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter!

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Comments

  1. Beautiful and straight forward!
    I live in a society where people are labelled ”bitter” for choosing to say goodbye to their EX but I never regret that awesome choice I made a few months ago when the idea of staying friends with an an EX somehow popped up… Within just a few conversations my heart began to sink because I was now discussing his relationships with him…and at that time I felt like I was being used because when I broke up with him for valid reasons, I had no one except God and oh His loving tenderness to dry my tears and give me the courage to stand up and face the reality that I had to be single and start all over again…
    Oh how I thank God for Wisdom!

    ”In order for real healing to begin, you have to learn to let go and move on”

    I am 100% sure that if I wouldn’t have listened carefully to Godly advice that I shouldn’t try to stay friends with the EX …I would still be hung up on him even to this day… But there is amazing healing that comes with letting go…

    Like Heather Lindsey would put it, ”Let little birdy fly” 🙂

    Anyway, thanks Debra this is awesome!

    Say Goodbye to your EX :* :* :*

  2. Hi Debra,

    I totally agree with everything you said! I just have another question: what if you and your ex are part of the same Christian ministry and part of the same friend group? How do we go about saying goodbye if so much of our lives are invested in the same ministry and same people?

  3. What about keeping photos, mementos, little reminders of things only because they remind you of pleasant times with that person. It was part of a memory. Should we throw out all that stuff or is it OK to keep them?

    1. Author

      Really good question Erich!!

      I think every situation is different…I personally have not held on to anything from my past, and I believe there was no benefit for me to hold on to those things, because sometimes they remind you of the “fond” times but you forget the reason why you broke up to begin with. It’s important to learn and grow from our past, but I don’t think it’s necessary to hang on to our past.

      And especially now that I’m married with children, those parts of my life carry no benefit to me (or my husband) to hold on to. Sometimes holding on to those things is a sign that we haven’t emotionally moved on.

  4. I think women tend to place more emphasis on this “remaining friends” issue… As if it is a badge of honor to do so. I am not sure why. When i was single, i would hear women repeat this in their advice… Moving on is not a bad thing. It is wonderful and ensures you are completely open to the next relationship. A man who is serious about you is not going to be comfortable with you keeping a bunch of exes around….same for women… I remember ending things with a man who had a “harem” of girls (some of them exes) hanging around… It didn’t mean i could not be cordial with him, but i couldn’t take him seriously….he got upset and i got married… He is still single…

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