Dealing with Sexual Past in Marriage

In Marriage, Relationships by Debra Fileta20 Comments

After publishing an article addressing the topic of dealing with your partner’s sexual history, my inbox was swarmed with emails from readers.

More than anything, the emails came from broken and hurting individuals, struggling with their own personal pasts or trying to make sense of the past of their partners.  There’s no question as to the pain and confusion that the issue of premarital sexual intimacy causes for couples young and old.  It breaks my heart to read their stories and feel their pain through the words of an email.

But the reason I love my faith in God is because it never has to end at needless and empty pain.  There is always more to the story for those who believe.  There is always an exchange available- from ashes, to beauty.  I’m a firm believer that God can heal a person’s past and that He can also heal the wounds that the past might cause in a relationship.   Not only can He heal, but He can allow it thrive.

One particular email came from a young man facing marital struggles in light of his personal sexual past.  His spouse was struggling with his past and they seemed to be stuck.

What do you do when you are in a relationship in which your partner is hung up on your past?  How much time do you give to this struggle?  How many details do you go over, and how often?  How do you help them move forward?  Where does a couple draw the line?

This couple is not alone in their struggles.  I could devote an entire book to this subject.  Unfortunately, this is a topic that a simple blog post cannot do justice.  But with that said, I’m going to leave you with three points that will begin paving the way for the possibility of healing to begin in your marital relationship:

1.  For the partner struggling with their spouse’s sexual past:  You are on a difficult journey, to be sure.  And as hard as it is to say, the only thing that will make this journey even more difficult is your personal insecurities.   The interesting thing is that I find that people are most hurt and grieved by the things that they already struggle with within themselves.  Haunting questions such as: Am I good enough?  Am I attractive enough?  Will I be able to satisfy?

The article I wrote talked about having perspective and forgiveness- but in order to begin that process, we have to search our own demons of inadequacies and insecurities*.  Our partners past will haunt us if we allow these deadly little monsters to take root in our brains.  The more confident we are in our relationship with God and in our relationship with our spouse, the easier it will be to forgive and to begin healing.

But this takes honesty.  Honesty with yourself and with your partner.  Search your heart.  Find those insecurities, and share them with your partner.  Rather than seeking out the nitty-gritty details to salvage the wounds of your personal insecurities, seek affirmation, love, and affection in times of need.  Those are what truly begin to heal the wounds.  It’s important to be able to say, “Honey, I feel really insecure about your past right now, and I could really use some love and affirmation from you”.  It’s hard to be vulnerable, but it’s the only place to gain true strength.

And remember- no matter how incredible your mate, they can never fill you up in the way that Jesus can.  Run to Him first with all of your emotional needs and allow your partner’s offerings to be simply the overflow.

2.  To the one who holds a sexual past:  Be patient with your partner.  Be available.  Understand that the need to “know” about your past is ultimately the need for love, affirmation, and validation.  Recognize this and begin to speak into that part of their life by pouring your affection and love.

I don’t think it’s healthy to review your past again and again in the name of affirmation because rather than affirm, it may actually separate.  It’s important to be honest, but once you have done so encourage your spouse to move forward by allowing your actions and your words to portray unconditional love and undying commitment.  In this situation, actions really will speak louder than words.  Gentleness, compassion, affection, self-control, respect, and romance…pour your love on them as your offering.  You can’t change your past, but you can change your actions and reactions in the present in a way that communicates love.

Though you can’t heal your partners insecurities, you can support, love, and encourage them on their journey of healing.

3.  To both of you: Communicate with one another.  Be honest about what you need and share your struggles with each other.  You are on this journey together, and you have the option of allowing these issues to separate you- but you also have every right to draw closer because of them.

Seek God together in these matters; pray out loud for each other, and begin to share an intimacy with one another that is FAR beyond any “sexual encounter” in your past.  The greatest intimacy in life is found in this kind of emotional closeness- and when you share that with another, you have found something priceless.  Relish that, live for that and choose to find that kind of deep emotional intimacy in each other.

My prayers go out to all of you who are struggling with these issues.  May God teach us all to accept forgiveness upon ourselves as we learn to bestow that same forgiveness onto others.

Mark 11:25

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.

*Be encouraged to seek professional counseling for any issues that seem to be effecting your life beyond what you can handle.  There are amazing counselors out there who are equipped to help.  Check out the AACC for a list of Christian Professionals in your area. 

Debra Fileta is a Licensed Professional Counselor, national speaker, and author of the book True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life. You may also recognize her voice from her 150+ articles at Relevant Magazine or Crosswalk.com! She’s also the creator of this True Love Dates Blog, where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love! Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter

To learn more about healthy relationships, check out True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life! It’s a book that’s changing hearts and lives, and I couldn’t be more thankful for that!

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20 Comments on "Dealing with Sexual Past in Marriage"

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David
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Debra, Just a quick comment about this post. In point #2, (To the one who holds a sexual past), where you suggest that the person should “begin to speak into that part of their life by pouring your affection and love,” I would say that it would take more than that for me. Along with knowing the details, I would need to be convinced they felt convicted about it. That they truly feel a strong sense of having sinned and then made a change to live according to GOD’s plan. A contemptuous or apathetic attitude would be a deal-breaker for… Read more »
Clara
Guest
I would like to disagree. Bringing up another person’s past sexual relations in full detail is just asking for trouble. I feel that making a spouse or significant other feel guilty about what they have done is wrong, because the partner who is now in the relationship is who they want to be with and love and desire. Making someone feel guilty about a past relationship is not the way to go about things. Invalidating someones intimate feelings is very harmful for the person who holds the sexual past. Instead to help the person struggling with the thoughts of their… Read more »
Crystal
Guest

I don’t think we should make anyone feel guilty. But if they do not acknowledge they were wrong and that they sinned I could not be with them. I want my guy if he’s not a virgin to tell me if he had it to do over he would have waited. That is how I will know he was convicted by God and knows he was wrong. But in now way does it mean I want him to feel guilty for the rest of his life, God came to take our shame.

Aby
Guest
It’s funny really how someone becomes sparkling clean when they have not been sexually defiled. I daresay, it gives them some sort of trophy-worthy mentality and they probably should have that mentality, yeah? The thing though is countless people are dealing with the effects of wrong decisions, past weaknesses and failings in their own very heads and the last thing I personally, would need is to keep rehashing it because someone felt I owed it to them to. I don’t! Sure I’ll discuss it once if necessary, maybe even twice but three times and you are just cutting it thin… Read more »
Chris
Guest
Whoa. You make arguments like I do. I feel like I could have written some of What you did. From what I read, you’ve moved past it. While you said great things, it does sound like you’re angry at the ones who judge. Yes, that’s hipocrisy in the sense of taking the speck in another’s eye when you’ve got a plank. I’ve noticed most Christians do it. They judge the thief but they lie. They judge the adulterer but forget they’re thieves themselves. Perhaps, I read your tone wrong. It’s a good thing you’re willing to talk about it and… Read more »
Kelly
Guest
Hi David, I want to first begin by saying that yes your right! Sexual sin outside of marriage is absolutely dishonoring to God and to a future spouse. That said, let’s not forget that the Gospel is a story of love and grace and mercy and redemption. God came to us to save us from our terrible deeds and will not not deny Himself to those who seek Him. The story of David is a story of adultery and murder, but forgiveness. God can do so much more good with a broken heart with past regrets that seeks him than… Read more »
John
Guest
@ Kelly You seemed to have cherry-picked convenient verses to make your point, also I sense this strange self-entitled attitude in you. The Kingdom of God is not a Kingdom of Cuckoldery. When you sin, there is a consequence to that sin and you do indeed damage your body both physically and spiritually. Please make yourself accountable to your sins, and not act like.. oh well I will cuck the Lord and He will forgive me anyways. God is not some stupid beta male cuck sitting in heaven waiting to forgive us. That is just disgusting! So if you are… Read more »
Chris
Guest
Interesting argument. I’m curious: do you think the lady in Nathaniel Hawthorne’s book, “the Scarlet letter” deserved to wear the letter A for the rest of her life? Your post got me thinking. Should people carry the guilt forever or do they lay them at the cross? What does Paul saying they’re new men. I have in the past thought to myself I’d want to be with someone like me but I had someone tell me when people come to Christ, they’re new. I guess it’s easier said than done simply because we’re humans we may wonder many things about… Read more »
John
Guest
Sorry but I didn’t receive any notifications when you replied to me. Yes, the sinner, even the adulteress will receive forgiveness upon genuinely repenting of his/her sin. But, sexual sins don’t get healed over night. They take time to heal, like the spiritual *soul-ties* a man/woman form during sexual intercourse. It seems majority of Christians, especially women love to rug sweep the consequences and obviously they don’t like to hold themselves accountable for their actions. It could take a 7-10 years for soul-ties to be removed.. and that individual should stay put, single and even chaste during that 7-10 year… Read more »
John
Guest
Sorry but I didn’t receive any notifications when you replied to me. Yes, the sinner, even the adulteress will receive forgiveness upon genuinely repenting of his/her sin. But, sexual sins don’t get healed over night. They take time to heal, like the spiritual *soul-ties* a man/woman form during sexual intercourse. It seems majority of Christians, especially women love to rug sweep the consequences and obviously they don’t like to hold themselves accountable for their actions. It could take a 7-10 years for soul-ties to be removed.. and that individual should stay put, single and even chaste during that 7-10 year… Read more »
Nicole M
Guest

Debra I just want you to know I did use the AACC website and found a great professional counselor in my area! Tx for referencing this resource in the TLD workbook!!

Deb S.
Guest
Even though I’m a middle-aged single, I have benefitted from your advice. However, on the subject of a partner’s sexual past, I honestly don’t understand why spouses would talk about past sexual behavior as long as it ended before the relationship started and hasn’t resulted in children or an STI that has to be managed in the present. I guess because I’m older and came to Christ later in life, I don’t expect my spouse not to have a sexual past. I just don’t feel that it’s any of my business. I think that focusing on a spouse’s sexual past… Read more »
Chris
Guest
Interesting point. I’ve given it a little thought and realized the person has to be OK with it. Whether it’s sexual past or another past. However, I think it’s not right for person to say I’m OK with it only to bring it up time and again. I think it’s best to be honest up front. I’ve read that There are some who use that to wield power over they’re spouses. It’s like telling someone you’re waiting till marriage. They say “OK” and then they keep pushing. How about being honest and saying it’s not your cup of tea. The… Read more »
Embrace Reality
Guest
Some of the commenters seem to be confused about what forgiveness of sin actually means. When we repent and turn from our sins Christ will forgive us of the eternal consequences of our sins, the most important consequences by far! However, at no point in the scriptures are we ever told that the temporal consequence, the results of bad choices, just go away because we repent. A woman who spends her youth in sexual sin can repent, turn from her sin and trust in Christ’s forgiveness. She can also count on men she dates, especially men who have minimal or… Read more »
Chris
Guest
Now that is it. You make a good point. People forget that we two what we sow. That we still face the consequences. I had to write this in my journal recently but the point I made was that if you stole and went to jail, that criminal record would be there though you’ve repented and are no longer a thief. The thing with sin is that it leaves it’s mark. Hopefully I’m bold enough to publish my little project. I took a while to learn this but knowledge of that keeps me away from it. The price is too… Read more »
Chris
Guest

I will add that despite having the stains or marks from our past, Christians are not meant to carry the guilt like a scarlet letter. The apostle Paul wasn’t defined by who he was. Yes, we know who he was, we know he persecuted Christians. But, we don’t discredit his teachings after he came to Christ. If we did, half of the new testament wouldn’t be. Most of us don’t even remember what he did in the past when we read his epistles. We see a good apostle who is preaching the gospel.

Nancy
Guest

What to do when premarital sex haunts you in the ,marriage bedroom, preventing
you from truly enjoying your spouse? This is something I have been dealing with
for ,many years now – I find I cannot relax and enjoy because I am thinking about
the other person he shared this intimacy with. Please pray for me and thank you
for all you do to teach others about the love of Jesus.

Chris
Guest

Great blog you have here. I just discovered it and it’s been interesting reading.

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