Men, STOP Looking for a Super Model Wife

In Advice and Encouragement, For the Guys, Marriage, Single by Debra Fileta35 Comments

Recently, I was having a conversation with a single guy (never-been-married) in his late 30s. We were talking about some of the qualities he was looking for in a woman.

He had a pretty decent list of good qualities and Christian character. I continued listening intently and as his list was dwindling down he added, “Oh yeah, and she has to look like a supermodel.”

“She has to look like a supermodel?” I repeated, in a questioning tone. “Yeah, looks are important,” he replied.

I’ll be honest. It took everything in me not to smack him upside the head.

****

About this time last year, I was speaking at a college down in Florida. After the talk, I waded through a line of students, eager to chat and offer their feedback.

At the very end of the line, one young man approached me with a concern: he wondered if he was being too picky. “What do you mean by too picky?” I asked.

“Well, I want a woman who loves the Lord. I want someone who has character and has committed her life to serving him. I’m really interested in missions and I want someone with that kind of a selfless heart. But, I also want her to be REALLY hot.”

“So basically you want Mother Theresa in supermodel form?” I summarized. 

He chuckled at that comment. But really – isn’t that sort of what he was saying?

****

Let me get real with you for a minute: we live in a generation where the concepts of sexual chemistry and physical attraction have become totally, completely, and irreversibly skewed. The entertainment industry and the pornography culture have completely ravaged our understanding of beauty, and namely, the beauty of a REAL woman.

It wouldn’t even concern me that much because, in a sad way, that’s what I expect of our culture – but the problem is this messed up mentality is quickly starting to seep into the church in a truly concerning way.

I’m not saying that physical attraction in a relationship is not important. In fact, I think being attracted to your spouse is an important part of a marriage. But what I AM saying is that we need to get real for just a minute and realize that our concept of beauty and sex appeal has been completely and utterly distorted over the years, to the point where the expectation and measure of a “beautiful woman” is just downright unrealistic.  

Before you start drafting your hate-mail rebuttals, can we think through this? Can we at least admit for a minute that our concept of beauty is fluid? Can we acknowledge for just a moment that maybe, just maybe, we have some sort of control over the things we define as “beautiful”? Can we agree that what we desire and find attractive can be morphed and change with what we’re exposed to?

Think about this for a moment: there was a day where a “beautiful woman” wore a size 16, had super pale skin, some serious curves and probably didn’t think twice about body hair. These days? Well, I don’t have to tell you how much our standards have changed. But what I’m REALLY trying to say is this:

Our standards of beauty completely change based on the things we allow ourselves to be exposed to.

And in a culture that’s infiltrated with pornography, airbrushed billboards and magazines, and plastic surgery, I’m afraid that our standard of “beauty” has moved so far from the truth that it’s causing some major damage to our relational expectations: for both men and women.

But the truth is, the more junk we take in, the more skewed our concept of beauty will be. (Tweet it!)

Single or married, you can expose yourself to so much “fantasy” that real things – namely, real WOMEN – begin to lose their luster.

WHY WE NEED A RESET

In the process of saying no to junk, it’s crucial to remember that there’s a reason to all of this. Skin deep beauty in all of it’s glory can only last so long anyhow. In 5, 10, 15 or 20 years – the body will surely fade, but what’s left will remain.

In marriage, true marriage, you will see their spouse at their absolute worst. You’ll see them in their sickness. You’ll see them in their absolute most natural state – before the hair, before the makeup, before the accessories. You’ll see them through the lens of real life – through the morning breath, through the cellulite, through the imperfections.

What will ultimately define your marriage- and ultimately, your very life – is not the “supermodel status” of your wife, but rather, her character. She is the woman who will have the greatest influence on your happiness, your confidence, and your security. She is the woman who will walk with you through the highs and lows of life, raise your children and influence your family in every single way.

A woman of character is a treasure. And he who finds her, has found a great thing.

And to you who have found her…hold on to her more tightly than you’ve ever held on to anything in your life.

I know so many marriages that started with “amazing sexual chemistry” and fizzled into nothing within a few short years. And I also know so many marriages that started on the foundation of good character and godliness – and continued to grow in intimacy, in respect, and in love.

****

It’s time for our generation to wise up by rising above the noise of this culture and setting our relationship expectations and standards on things that really matter. It’s time to “reset” our standard of beauty by shutting off the influence of “the unrealistic” junk, and filling our minds and hearts with truth:  

That beauty is fleeting.

That charm is deceptive.

That real beauty runs deep.

That real attraction is multi-faceted.

That inner-beauty CANNOT be fabricated or replicated.

That character is what actually defines a person.  

That spiritual health trumps everything.

It’s time for our generation to do what we need to do to say no to the unrealistic standards this world is throwing our way by saying no to the junk.

Maybe that starts with what we allow our minds to think and lust upon.

Maybe that means a commitment to stay away from porn.

Maybe that means turning off Netflix for a while.

Maybe it means stepping away from Facebook, or TV, or magazines.

Maybe it means guarding our conversations and how we allow ourselves to talk about the opposite sex.

But ultimately, it means saying no to lies – in exchange for truth. Men, stop looking for a supermodel wife, and start looking for a godly woman. They’re out there. They’re available. And they’re a treasure worth finding.

True Love Dates, is the book that world-renown #1 New York Times best-selling authors and relationship experts Drs. Les & Leslie Parrot have claimed to be exactly what “your love life needs”. Learn more, or pick up a copy for yourself by clicking the image below. 

Because healthy relationships are not “found” — they’re made. 

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Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, speaker, and author of True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life21 Days to Jump Start Your Love Life, and 21 Days to Pray For Your Love Life – where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. You may also recognize her voice from her 150+ articles at Relevant Magazine or Crosswalk.com! She’s also the creator of this True Love Dates Blog!  Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter!

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35 Comments on "Men, STOP Looking for a Super Model Wife"

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Kathy Richardson
Guest
AMEN! I hear this from women also. He has to be good looking. Let me tell you something. I have been married for 29 years and my husband and I have had some major ups and downs. In fact right now we are going through a difficult time. What has kept us together? Jesus in the middle of our marriage and believing God will help us work this out just as he as every other thing we have gone through. Marry someone with a heart for God and I will guarantee the attraction will come. Their commitment to God will… Read more »
Oladipo
Guest

This is an important article. While it is important that one is attracted to his/her spouse, I believe we should be wary of unrealistic expectations and instead focus on values & character! Thank you for writing this, we need people who keep speaking the truth and thereby influence culture for God.

Madoc
Guest
Deb– Yes!!! God begins with us as flawed, embryonic globs whom He loves into life. And He continues with us through the ugliness of all our failed attempts to meet our needs apart from His Christ. Marriage can and should reflect that grace of Jesus, not perfection as defined by secular or religious industry. Three pictures of my wife’s considerable beauty linger in my soul as I write: the vision of her in first maternity clothes thirty six years ago, a photo of her gorgeous eyes, and her baking bread this morning covered in flour and clothed in her baggy… Read more »
Dana
Guest

Amen and amen!!! This goes both ways. It is also refreshing to hear someone who is qualified (professional) say that attraction is important.

A man doesnt have to be hunky and hot to be attractive!! A woman doesn’t have to be model perfect to be attractive!

Brittany
Guest

SO SO good!! So thankful for the amazing gift of marriage that I experienced with my precious man that was deeper then appearance, even though I obviously think he is crazy hot. Marriage that is built on the foundation of Christ instead of superficial can stand the test of trials in this life. Amazing gift! Thank you Debra!

Paula Badillo
Guest
I am not even attracted to what the world would say is super good-looking men. An average person that takes care of himself and has a heart for God and others is what I am seeking. As I am getting older, so are the men I would go out with. Some actually realize the truth that physical attractiveness is fleeting, and even personally defined, with character far outshining some wrinkles or a bit of extra weight. With age can come wisdom. Would it be that people would learn this early on to arrive at later years with a spouse of… Read more »
Sophie
Guest

I hope I’ll someday find a man who loves me for who I am, not for how I look…
Cause if a man loves you for your looks and he thinks that looks are so important, will he love you when you’re old and wrinkled? I rather stay single than being insecure about that!

Tabitha
Guest
Debra, thank you for this post. I cannot tell you how many times I have felt like a true Godly and loving marriage would not be available to me because I don’t fit into the world’s mold of the perfect supermodel girl. I have never been interested in a guy simply because of his looks and have hoped for the same. I know that there are men out there who are NOT consumed by only vanity, but I have had a difficult time finding any of them. Sadly, even more so in the Christian community. My ex used to say… Read more »
Alanis
Guest

Who was David?

Amanda
Guest

I think that sometimes when people say they haven’t found anyone they’re attracted to, it’s not necessarily that there’s no good-looking or godly people in their life, it’s that they may have some emotional or relational issues hindering them from getting in a long-term relationship. Especially if it’s a pattern over a long period of time. Sometimes it’s a way to deflect attention from the real issue.

Tom
Guest

These are very good reflections! We are driven by the cultural imaginary and we need to start countering it.

Look at the woman for example this post, she is flawless. Having too good pictures can create a vision that all Christian single women should look something like that. I think you could apply your message by having more down to earth pictures in this blog. It would communicate to us that normal looking Christians can and should date.

God bless you, Debra!

Garrett
Guest
After reading this my first thought was “hey Deb, why you picking on the guys, women do it too!” but after reading the comments where a few women already mentioned this, and after some more thoughtful reflection, you most definitely need to call men out…BIG TIME. I think part of the problem is men are wired to put more emphasis on looks, and our society has definitely figured that out and has exploited it tremendously. Now more than ever, your message in this article needs to be heard by ALL men, but especially young men, particularly young Christian men. It’s… Read more »
Joel C. Lucas
Guest
Thank U, Debra for this, I mean God through your article spoke to me and caused me to look within and first of all repent to God for being caught up in everything you talked about including the movies, magazines, Facebook, TV,etc. Good Women of God are out there and we have to as Single Men of God have to realize that it goes deeper than looks, while looks are a very small part of the attraction, character is an even BIGGER part of the attraction along with her having Jesus as Lord and Savior of her life. Maybe you… Read more »
Barbara
Guest
Amen a thousand, no a million times! Though I do believe both sexes are guilty on the “hot” factor men in general appear to be more visual creatures. I have often thought I have to look like a supermodel to even get noticed and that I should even forget about getting married. We as Christians, men or women, need to focus on what is important which is where the person spiritually/how committed is the person to Christ. I will say this though: I had a conversation with a guy who admitted he only wanted to date 10s. As he got… Read more »
Bree
Guest
OMG. …Debra this is your best post yet. I love it. I met a guy on “christianmingle.com” years ago, and I talked to a few people on there. Even though these guys prayed, went to church, and had a relationship with guy, at their core, they were still “Men” and wanted the sexiest most beautiful women. The “average” looking, plain jane women, they very nicely rejected. I can’t stand how people, (men and women) justify their shallowness by saying a person “isn’t their type.” Or when people say, “there is no chemistry.” I learned from my grandparents, and great aunts… Read more »
David Helton
Guest

If Mother Theresa was a supermodel, she’d still be a nun, right? I men nuns can’t even get married. Boy, some guys are just silly. Good article.

Ali
Guest

I had the same thought about the picture used on this blog post. It is another example, unfortunately, of a good message being contradicted by the accompanying imagery.

Kyle
Guest
Speaking from a guy’s point of view, and having had plenty of guy friends in my lifetime, I can safely say that there are plenty of Christian guys who do not think like this. Funny thing is, the ones who don’t think and act like this always seem to be the ones that are single and women always reject. I find it annoying that the stereotype is always that men are pigs and women are flowers of virtue. No one can deny that they want a spouse they are spiritually, physically, sexually, and emotionally attracted to. That is hard wired… Read more »
Jasmine
Guest
“”Or you’re like me and just do not find someone who weights 400lbs to be attractive. (When it comes to that, show yourself some respect and take care of the body God gave you.)”” Some of those women who weigh that much have diseases of PCOS, Lipedema, and Lymphedema, just to name a few. My cousin has Lipedema and she cannot do anything about it as diet nor exercise cure that disease. So instead of telling women to “”show yourself some respect and take care of the body God gave you.”” why don’t you quit thinking like everyone else and… Read more »
Kyle
Guest
Yes, I know that there are people who have medical issues which affect their weight. I have a health issue that can cause me to gain weight if I don’t manage it correctly. It takes a lot of work, both in what I eat and having to exercise on a regular basis. I had a friend with PCOS so I know what it can do to people. And so you can’t say I didn’t date her because she was overweight, that was never the reason. The reason is she was a hardcore atheist, which is what also ended our friendship… Read more »
Alanis
Guest

I really like your comment

Alanis
Guest

I liked what you told the world. Good going guy.

Tabitha
Guest

Thank you Garret and Joel C. Lucas. I probably should have left him the moment I knew it was going on, however he said he was going to stop and asked for another chance and, I guess a little foolishly, I gave him another chance. It didn’t stop. So we’re through now and it’s his loss but the pain was deep. But it’s nice to know that there are still some amazing and good guys still out there! :o) God bless you, my brothers in Christ!!

Ray
Guest
well, over 35 years of hanging onto a fantasy and dream that my future wife has to be pretty and sexy has gotten me nowhere, I have never been married, and I am in my early 60’s. I believe that my heart has not quite learned to face the reality that looks is but only a very small part of what matters in a relationship. I have much bigger fish to fry, like reviving a career to finish well before retiring and having enough resources to do so. Right now, I’m no catch financially, and I just quit a few… Read more »
Nekoda
Guest
I doubt this comment will be read but here goes… Dating a supermodel would be the worst because they’re not smart. That’s also not a stereotype. Same with a ton of actresses. Finding someone who checks your list and is hot is completely relative to your tastes. I understand what that article is saying but I’m also a skeptic. I like to disagree and poke holes to expose flawed or inconclusive thinking. If it still stands when I’m done; I usually buy in. The article is slighted heavily towards males and their outlook on females. Sure, it’s mentioned it goes… Read more »
Ed
Guest
For me, surrendering the desire to be married is now my only choice, as is the choice of who that lady will be, I leave up to GOD. I have tried hard, being cool, non-needy, confidence, knowing what to say, etc., etc. and NOTHING has worked!!! As for me, I have gotten to the place in my heart that accepts that I cannot make it happen, and insane to think I can force the hand of God. If God says not now, or never shall me be married, I better obey. Perhaps my intentions are way too evil and I’m… Read more »
Michelle
Guest
After having burned myself for being in a relationship with the most handsome man I have ever set my eyes on, who didn’t share my faith and wasn’t that committed to the relationship, I learnt my lessons and was determined to date only men who share my faith. I did went out with a couple of Christian guys after my breakup but it didn’t go well with either. Although I had to admit I wasn’t physically attracted to them (I feel my standards for beauty is so unrealistic), I forced myself to date them hoping that as I would know… Read more »
Martin Silvain
Guest

Very nice comment.

Slight amendment, if I might.

“… who He loved into life.”

Nina
Guest
So true. I imagine there are about 100 women in the nation that are considered a ‘super model’, with 30,000,000 men hoping for their attention. Reality is, even if a man won a super model’s favor, could they keep it? Could they earn enough money to keep her clothed in the hottest clothes, hottest car, with the hottest accessories, in the highest- end housing community, going to the highest-end clubs, restaurants, shops, travel locations, and events? Likely not. I’ve seen beautiful women dump their husbands for the newest model. Some just wanna have fun, so good luck getting a cooked… Read more »
Alanis
Guest

I’ve read the comments. Thank you and I pray in Jesus’s name. Amen.

I’ve recently been in a relationship with a man about fours years. I’ve been praying to GOD, him to remove my shortcomings. I have one will and that’s Jesus’ will for my life. As I value altruism apart from aesthetics I value too. I’m so lucky to have Jesus in my life.

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