Loves You — Or Loves You Not?

In Dating, Relationships by Debra Fileta15 Comments

After one of my relationship talks I was approached by a beautiful young woman.  She wanted to share her story and seek out some advice about a dating situation she found herself in.

She had met this great guy through their church’s young adult group.  He was handsome, funny, and had lots of charisma.  He was one of those guys that was just so easy to like.  They started spending more and more time together and began forming what seemed to be a dating relationship.  They would call each other, text each other, and even get together outside of church for coffee or dinner.  Fast forward two months later…

….something changed. 

Out of nowhere and all of a sudden he seemed to back off — cold turkey.  No warning signs, no explanation, no heart to heart discussion.  She continued to try to call and text him, but it seemed that he wasn’t reciprocating.  She continues to try, to pursue, and to try to reconnect.  She wonders maybe if he is just too busy?  Forgetful?  Scared?  But either way, her heart is stuck on him, and she needs direction.

What should she do?

When I hear stories like this I have two simultaneous reactions that go off inside of me.  First, I feel empathy.  I look at this beautiful girl, with so much to give, and I look into her sad eyes and feel her pain, her hurt, and her rejection.  She wants to love and be loved so badly.  She wants to make it happen in her life.  She is just waiting to find that one to call her own.  I get that. I’ve been there.  It’s hard when you’re in the mess of dating to see beyond the pain of the moment.

So first and foremost, I feel empathy, because we’ve all (myself included) at some point in our lives been in a relationship where we wonder if we’re “liked” as much as we “like” — and sometimes, wondering if we’re even liked AT ALL. 

Because secondly, I cringe! I just want to grab her shoulders and shake some sense into her like I wish someone had done for me back in the day!  I want her to see how she is making herself look from the outside looking in.

I want her to realize that she is trying so hard to keep something alive that would otherwise die if it was left alone.

I want her to come to the conclusion that simply put, he loves her NOT.  Because real love looks so, so different than that.

I meet young men and women all the time that are making excuse after excuse, holding on to a relationship that should just be let go.  Trying so hard to find love.  Trying to hard to make it happen.  Finding excuse after excuse to keep going back to a relationship that does not reflect love in any way shape or form.  One-sided, non -reciprocated, hard-to-get relationships.  Let me just say it clearly- these kind of relationships are SO NOT WORTH THE INVESTMENT! Because you find yourself always chasing — and never catching.

All over the scriptures God talks about reciprocal relationships.  Healthy relationships with two individuals that edify and build each other up.  There are always TWO people involved in the process.  Two people that are interacting, engaging, giving.  Two people that are encouraging, investing, and supporting one another.  This is how the body of Christ is supposed to look, and even more specifically speaking- this is how a marriage is supposed to look.  “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up…”

Dating relationships, should also be reciprocal.  Two people involved. Two people invested.  Two people pursuing and being pursed.  Two people committing, caring, and communicating.  Two people who are putting in the same amount, and receiving even more.

Why do we allow ourselves to settle for less?  Why do we find ourselves in relationships in which we are doing all the work to keep it alive?  It’s time to put in the hard work, but then to trust that we are also worth being worked hard for.  We deserve to be loved just as we are giving love, and in romantic relationships, this is how God intended it to be.  Two people, building, edifying, encouraging, and investing in one another.

Today, maybe you find yourself in a situation where you are wondering – am I loved, or not? Am I receiving as much as I am giving? Am I being prioritized and pursued in the way that I had hoped? If the answer is no, than it’s time to really consider what it is you’re doing in this relationship, because maybe, just maybe, it’s time to let go and move on.

Healthy relationships are always marked by give-and-take.

Wait for that, because anything less is not worthy of the wait.  Nor will it ever be. 

Interested in learning how to FINALLY attract the right kind of relationship? Follow this link for more!

Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, national speaker, and author of the book True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life,  21 Days to Jump Start Your Love Life, and 21 Days to Pray for Your Love Life, where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. You may also recognize her voice from her 150+ articles at Relevant Magazine or! She’s also the creator of this True Love Dates Blog!  Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter!

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15 Comments on "Loves You — Or Loves You Not?"

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Nyaradzo Tendayi Sasa
Nyaradzo Tendayi Sasa

So true. at times its not worth trying to push a relationship that is not working. do not act desperate but have faith that it was a learning experience, true it could have been what you consider a perfect relationship but a better relationship is on its way. It just needs faith and its not easy to understand all this, but speaking from experience, keep your standards and keep your head high, the right one is just around the corner.

I’ve REALLY been struggling with lately. This summer I met a guy I liked a lot, and it seemed that he felt the same. But then he just stopped talking to me, citing how he “needed to figure some things out.” As an added layer of hurt, he keeps telling a mutual friend how much he cares about me and likes me…yet, I never hear that from him. For a few weeks, I kept reaching out and he’d talk to me a little bit…then he’d go “ghost” again. As I’m sure it’s the case with most people in this position,… Read more »
I was in a similar situation, where a guy and I went out on a couple of dates and things seemed to be going really well. He skipped out on our third date and has been sporadic with communication, and we haven’t talked since. As much as I want to know what’s going on, I’ve decided to let him go. Like others, I struggle with wondering if there’s something that I could be doing in terms of meeting him halfway (i.e. reassuring that he doesn’t have to be scared, asking him if he’s frustrated, etc). Then I realize that I’m… Read more »

So glad to read this tonight. So apropos. ❤️


love never fails


I am also a counselor and have several couples right now whom this article describes well…however, they are married…married for decades with children…what can I say to them??? Especially the ones where only 1 is coming in for counseling to try to fix things…


You are right, Debra and the story (except it was left out) doesn’t say he asked her out or made his intentions known… Perhaps she caught feelings or was assuming there was something… and that usually ends painfully.
As I usually say, we have to be careful, sometimes we make excuses to stay where we should actually excuse ourselves. I hope she learned and moved on well, we all make mistakes.
I love your website/blog by the way, been following for a while now.
Well done ma’am.


“…and sometimes, wondering if we’re even liked AT ALL.”

Painful to say, but the reality often is that truer words were never spoken…


I went through this recently. I put myself out there a couple of times towards the end just to test the water and realized it was done. Seems to me a lot of girls have been through it as well. Yes we absolutely need to know when it’s time to let go & move on. But I wonder, why do guys feel it’s ok to do this? I’d rather an up font conversation than someone just disappearing after months of invested time & energy.


Hello Deber, can you help me please. I meet a guy 6weeks ago I like him because his the way I won’t a man like I mean his a God man loves GOD I no if I marred him I would be happy. But Iam not attracted to him his in love with me. It meat be to early for me to see. Please can you give me a vice Debra. Francesca

I have experienced two relationships like this in the past 3 years and both times the woman did this to me…I was blown away! I though each on its own accord when I was dating them was fine and then bam…I am alone! The first three years ago was going along fine and then she just changed and didn’t seem interested in me anymore. She did have an excuse she told me her 16 year old son who lived with his dad needed raising so she needed to focus on him. The more sooner one decided I was judge mental… Read more »

Hello Raymond don’t worry GOD has someone there for you. It’s good to have high standards. You will pick the right one. I’m myself have high standards. Iam glad I do because I had 3 relationship this year and thay say there Christian but don’t acted Christian and I sore that I didn’t like it. GOD no’s our hearts. It’s in God’s timing. GOD bless

I am 54. My husband left me suddenly 3 years ago. It was a shock that still causes me to live in fear today. Outwardly I appear strong but inside … I’m a wreck. I’ve dated quite a few men but none have survived longer than a couple of months. I gave up and was in a happy place mentally and emotionally. Five weeks ago, a beautiful man walked into my life and asked me out! I honestly thought this was a gift from God. For three weeks I was treated like a queen and I loved every single moment.… Read more »

Am so blessed to read this article tonight. 😇😇 God is working on a perfect one. Amen!