How to Snag a Date: 4 Easy Steps

In Dating by Debra Fileta8 Comments

There’s a lot of complexities out there in life…yet the thing I get the most inquiries about, is this crazy little thing called “a date”.

Particularly within the Christian subculture, there seems to be some major confusion regarding what it means to actually ask someone out on a date.  With all the made-up rules we learn about dating, we pretty much all feel like we need a guide for “dummies”.

So I decided to put together this simple little guide. Let’s hope it helps some of you out! And if it does…be sure to write in and tell me how your date goes!

Step One: Choose

Okay maybe this sounds “duh” simple to you, but let me just spell out my personal opinion that you should choose ONE person to get to know at a time. I recently met a girl dating two guys at once, and when both relationships started getting pretty serious – she contacted me in a panic.

If you want something to end well, you need to make sure to start it well.

Unlike an open buffet, dating is kinda like choosing a meal at a fancy restaurant- you commit to one choice, knowing that if it doesn’t work out, you don’t ever have to go back for more. But out of respect, decency, and straight-forwardness, let’s stick to one person at a time. Wondering where to meet good people? Check out this post for some ideas to get you started. 

Step Two:  Approach

Now that you’ve chosen someone you’d like to get to know beyond friendship, it’s time to actually approach them…face to face…in real life. Though I myself enjoy the convenience of getting together with friends via the click of a button on social media, I find it that many people are hiding behind their screens out of cowardice, rather than convenience. While it may be easier to shoot a text message, ask over email, give a ring on the phone, or post on someone’s Facebook wall- it’s far  more effective to actually approach and interact with the person you’re interested in face-to-face when the opportunity exists (Long-distance relationships can bend these rules as needed). Practice your social skills…they’ll come in handy in all parts of life.

Step Three: Ask

Now, the asking part. Even at the risk of getting turned down, don’t give into the temptation to be casual and indirect. “You doing anything this weekend?”, “We should hangout sometime”, and “I’ll be at the coffee shop tomorrow studying” are completely passive and non-committal phrases, and NOT the way to go. Great relationships always start with great communication, and great communication is always direct: “I’d love to get to know you more over coffee…are you free any evening this week?” Now that’s what I call a perfect way to get a date.

Step Four: Tone it Down…it’s just coffee. 

One of my readers left a funny comment saying something about how he wants to write a book about dating for Christians summed up in one sentence: Chill Out. His comment got me laughing out loud, because he’s totally on to something. It’s so true that Christians tend to freak out about dating. We want so badly to do it right, and to do it in a way that honors God. We hear so many messages that instill fear, confusion, and worry about this delicate subject. But I want to encourage you as you approach the opposite sex and remind you that you dating doesn’t have to equal regrets.

Anything we do can be an avenue of glorifying God, and our respectful, edifying, and positive interactions with the opposite sex are just one more way that we can do that. Going on a date with someone is not a marriage commitment, a covenant promise, or a spiritual bond. And believe it or not, you don’t even have to know that they’re “THE ONE” before you ask them out (imagine that!). Christian brothers and sisters, let’s do everyone a favor by toning it down just a bit. It’s just coffee.

So choose, approach, ask, and most importantly relax…and enjoy your first date!

To all the great men out there reading this post…check out this article for some additional motivation: 3 Reasons Why Christian Men Need to ASK A GIRL OUT!

And for my sisters, the ladies, here are 4 Reasons Why It’s Okay To Ask Him Out.

Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, national speaker, relationship expert, and author of True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life, where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. Her newest relationship book is set to be released in the Summer of 2018! You may also recognize her voice from her 200+ articles at Relevant Magazine, Crosswalk.com, and all over the web! She’s the creator of this True Love Dates Blog, reaching over 4 million people with the message that healthy people make healthy relationships!  Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter or book a session with her today!

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Comments

  1. Thank you!! Someone needed to say it! This is so simple but people like to complicate what is simple.

    I had this “kind of crush” on a guy and was very scared to say something to him. I had to tell myself “you want to have a coffee with him, you are not proposing to this person!”. It puts things in perspective. Well, I asked him out, he said yes and we had a good time together. It was not romantic or sexual or anything like that, just two people talking about life.

    (This ends with us having a conversation that made me realise we are not compatible in terms of our beliefs but now we are friends. And I am engaged to the most wonderful man who was brave enough to ask me out briefly after we met.)

  2. Though, this article assumes that there are people around to date. I would like to see a version of this article that deals with finding a date, or dateable people, when there are none local. That would be more useful to a large number of people who live in smaller communities and/or who are not in college any more.

  3. Okay, there are two questions I have got to ask you, Debra.

    1) Are there actually that many young men and women, who are friends with each other and spend a lot of time together, who cannot bring themselves to ask each other on a coffee date? I’m not being sarcastic — I couldn’t believe it.

    2) Your dating advice seems — to me — to presume three factors:

    a) An abundance of singles, who can meet in groups often;

    b) An openness to extended friendships proceeding from those groups, apart from romantic expectation or pressure (and, if your romance with John was any indication, apart from clarification during that friendship, too); followed by

    c) A slow, deliberate, very-low-expectation dating relationship.

    But what if this is not the culture of your church?

    What of churches or regions with few, if any, singles (such as many rural areas)?

    What of churches where there is little expectation, or patience, for extended, open-ended friendships between young men and women (which seems like most places)?

    What about church cultures that do not support friendships between men and women, period, apart from dating (e.g., Focus on the Family)?

    It’s one thing to hold to dating guidelines as an individual, but how can they be applied in church and single cultures that do not already understand/follow/agree with them?

    Sorry for the ridiculously complicated question, but I’d love to hear your thoughts on it!

  4. TomA, I absolutely agree, not only about smaller places but also when you get older, there will be less people around to date.

    Also, “asking for a date” won’t necessarily lead to enjoying your first date, because there’s this concept of rejection that might just get in the way. For guys like me, it’s a painful reality that is often ignored.

  5. The difficult part isn’t snagging a date, its finding someone i actually want to snag a date with! Lol

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