Q: I have liked the same person for pretty much three years now and there is no sign of him ever liking me back. I am tired of the roller-coaster ride my heart has been on and also tired of the distraction in following God. Do you have any advice?
A: We’ve all been in this scenario at some point. I know I have.
I remember in college being completely head over heels for this one guy. He was smart, good-looking, loved the Lord, and had the same interests as me. We would meet for lunch, play a round of tennis every now and again, and spend time together studying. My feelings for him were getting stronger and stronger – except for one thing: he totally didn’t like me back.
Not. A. Bit.
At least, there was never any indication (minus the time we spent together, which looking back on, I should have definitely called him out on that, but I never did).
The problem is, in hopes that he would one day look at me all of a sudden and realize how he couldn’t live without me, I let it drag on…and on…and on….for a good six months.
Until one day, with a sparkle in his eye, he excitedly told me he started dating someone.
Ugh. Talk about a bummer. I was so upset. Not only did I feel completely rejected, but I also felt like I had been led on. But the REAL problem wasn’t him leading me on – the REAL problem was me following along.
Lest you think this story ends with a tragic ending, let me assure you that it was only a short two months later that I unexpectedly met the man I would someday marry John Fileta (yes!!!). It’s funny, because I look back at that time and there’s a few thoughts that come to mind, that I hope will encourage you if you’re in a similar situation:
I’m so glad I wasn’t dating the “first” guy when God brought the “next” guy into my life: You guys, can you even imagine how different my life would be if things would have worked out with the first guy??? I mean, it would change EVERYTHING. Not only would I not be married to the love of my life, with my three AMAZING children who I couldn’t live without – knowing this first guy and his interests, we would probably be hiking in the mountains somewhere with a 30lb pack on my shoulders (I hate hiking, by the way. And carrying things). Seriously though, God KNEW what was best for me, and sometimes in His sovereignty he allows my “plans” to be ruined so that I can make was for HIS plans. And His plans are so much better, and so much greater than anything I could think up for myself. For my life, and for yours!! I wish I would have trusted Him more.
I wish I WOULD trust Him more each and every day. He doesn’t let us down.
How miserable would it be to be married to someone that you had to CONVINCE to like you as much as you like them? My husband loves me with the deepest, most sincere, genuine, affection. He is loyal to me through and through. I am his queen and he would give up the world for me. And I love him with that same, fierce, undying love. All of these characteristics were evident in our dating relationship, because what you see in dating you will always see in marriage. It was clear in our dating relationship that this was not a one-way street. There was a reciprocal give and take that proved that he was into me just as much as I was into him. There’s something so beautiful about a reciprocal love. But unfortunately, so many people OPT OUT of this kind of marital love by choosing someone who they have to CONVINCE to like them. What a terrible feeling that must be, knowing deep down that you aren’t as loved as you deserve to be. Don’t put yourself in that kind of a situation, by saying no to relationships that are unbalanced or one-sided.
Date someone who likes you as much as you like them.
The truth is, sometimes, letting go of the wrong relationship is the only way to open our hearts to the right one. If you’re stuck in a relationship that you feel is unbalanced or one-sided, it’s time to let go and move forward. In my situation, I’m thankful that God put a stop to it (in the sense that, this guy started dating someone else!!) before my heart was strung along any further. But in MOST situations, you have to learn to CLOSE the door on the wrong relationship yourself. Slam that door shut, people!!! And don’t open it again. Not even a crack.
Learn to recognize the kind of relationship that’s defined by “give-and-take”, and trust God to bring someone into your life that respects you enough to love you in a reciprocal way. Because what you see in dating, you will ALWAYS see in marriage.
Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, national speaker, and author of True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life, 21 Days to Jump Start Your Love Life, and 21 Days to Pray For Your Love Life – where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. You may also recognize her voice from her 200+ articles at Relevant Magazine, Crosswalk.com, and all over the web! She’s also the creator of this True Love Dates Blog! Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter or book a session with her today!
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