Date Someone Who Likes You As Much As You Like Them

In Advice and Encouragement, Dating, For the Ladies by Debra Fileta15 Comments

Q: I have liked the same person for pretty much three years now and there is no sign of him ever liking me back. I am tired of the roller-coaster ride my heart has been on and also tired of the distraction in following God. Do you have any advice? 

A: We’ve all been in this scenario at some point. I know I have.

I remember in college being completely head over heels for this one guy. He was smart, good-looking, loved the Lord, and had the same interests as me. We would meet for lunch, play a round of tennis every now and again, and spend time together studying. My feelings for him were getting stronger and stronger – except for one thing: he totally didn’t like me back.

Not. A. Bit.

At least, there was never any indication (minus the time we spent together, which looking back on, I should have definitely called him out on that, but I never did).  

The problem is, in hopes that he would one day look at me all of a sudden and realize how he couldn’t live without me, I let it drag on…and on…and on….for a good six months.

Until one day, with a sparkle in his eye, he excitedly told me he started dating someone.

Ugh. Talk about a bummer. I was so upset. Not only did I feel completely rejected, but I also felt like I had been led on. But the REAL problem wasn’t him leading me on – the REAL problem was me following along.

Lest you think this story ends with a tragic ending, let me assure you that it was only a short two months later that I unexpectedly met the man I would someday marry John Fileta (yes!!!). It’s funny, because I look back at that time and there’s a few thoughts that come to mind, that I hope will encourage you if you’re in a similar situation:

I’m so glad I wasn’t dating the “first” guy when God brought the “next” guy into my life: You guys, can you even imagine how different my life would be if things would have worked out with the first guy??? I mean, it would change EVERYTHING. Not only would I not be married to the love of my life, with my three AMAZING children who I couldn’t live without – knowing this first guy and his interests, we would probably be hiking in the mountains somewhere with a 30lb pack on my shoulders (I hate hiking, by the way. And carrying things). Seriously though, God KNEW what was best for me, and sometimes in His sovereignty he allows my “plans” to be ruined so that I can make was for HIS plans. And His plans are so much better, and so much greater than anything I could think up for myself. For my life, and for yours!! I wish I would have trusted Him more.

I wish I WOULD trust Him more each and every day. He doesn’t let us down.

How miserable would it be to be married to someone that you had to CONVINCE to like you as much as you like them? My husband loves me with the deepest, most sincere, genuine, affection. He is loyal to me through and through. I am his queen and he would give up the world for me. And I love him with that same, fierce, undying love. All of these characteristics were evident in our dating relationship, because what you see in dating you will always see in marriage. It was clear in our dating relationship that this was not a one-way street. There was a reciprocal give and take that proved that he was into me just as much as I was into him. There’s something so beautiful about a reciprocal love. But unfortunately, so many people OPT OUT of this kind of marital love by choosing someone who they have to CONVINCE to like them. What a terrible feeling that must be, knowing deep down that you aren’t as loved as you deserve to be. Don’t put yourself in that kind of a situation, by saying no to relationships that are unbalanced or one-sided.

Date someone who likes you as much as you like them.

The truth is, sometimes, letting go of the wrong relationship is the only way to open our hearts to the right one. If you’re stuck in a relationship that you feel is unbalanced or one-sided, it’s time to let go and move forward. In my situation, I’m thankful that God put a stop to it (in the sense that, this guy started dating someone else!!) before my heart was strung along any further. But in MOST situations, you have to learn to CLOSE the door on the wrong relationship yourself. Slam that door shut, people!!! And don’t open it again. Not even a crack.

Learn to recognize the kind of relationship that’s defined by “give-and-take”, and trust God to bring someone into your life that respects you enough to love you in a reciprocal way. Because what you see in dating, you will ALWAYS see in marriage.

Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, national speaker, and author of True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life21 Days to Jump Start Your Love Life, and 21 Days to Pray For Your Love Life – where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. You may also recognize her voice from her 200+ articles at Relevant Magazine, Crosswalk.com, and all over the web! She’s also the creator of this True Love Dates Blog!  Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter or book a session with her today!

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Comments

  1. “what you see in dating, you will ALWAYS see in marriage. ” Sooooooooo very true. More people need to understand and comprehend this Truth!
    Thanks for this article. I too hate seeing great wonderful people be into a person that is not into them, and treated in a way that they don’t deserve to be. But we have to take responsibility for our own actions and what we do, don’t do, and allow. We must hold ourselves accountable. I’ve definitely been there to. I’m so thankful though that I didn’t have the patience or tolerance for too long for guys that didn’t like me half as much as I liked them.
    To the person that asked the question. My answer is seek God in Everything. Always go to him in prayer. He will lead you, guide you, and give you answers. He will give you the insight that you need to make the right decisions.
    He’s there, just talk to him and ask him what you should do. He’ll give you the answers, if you ask the question.

    God Bless.

    1. Author

      My pleasure, Carol! 🙂 Thanks for being here and reading along.

  2. Thanks for this article Debra. Your blog has been a blessing and a great source of information. Follow up question………if a person seems to consistently (not once or twice but on several different instances) stumble into these unbalanced relationships, could this be a sign of deeper issues?

  3. Hello! Debra I do appreciate your help but no women is interested in me like I’m them my hope at getting a girlfriend is done my future is hopeless makes me angry but nothing I can do about it.

    God bless you Debra!

  4. Loved this article a LOT!! 😉 I’m so happy God gave me the strenght to say no to dating ‘amazing’ guys as friends but not really to be in a serious and steady relationship with. God always knows BEST!! 😀

  5. Hi Debra! Thank you for posting this!

    I’ve been going through a similar struggle of being strung along on hopes of this guy that I’ve liked for awhile knowing he doesn’t seem to see me the same way. I do feel in a sense I’m trying to convince myself that he’ll come around and see me differently. It also looks like I’m convincing him by putting myself out there more and showing interest in him but for some reason, it’s so exhausting. I’ve never been in a relationship before so I really don’t know how the dynamics of being in mutual ground with someone or the concept of reciprocating love is like. There have been guys that liked me in the past, but I never felt attracted to them even when I gave them a chance. And whenever I’m interested to someone, they never seem to work out mutually either. So I really don’t understand how this all works. What’s keeping me sane is holding on to God’s promise to just be patience, trust and wait. I want to believe what God has for me should be more of an ease and a sense of things of falling into place rather than me trying to do my part in what I think God is doing. I’m just get so confused sometimes understanding the balance between God’s sovereignty, our free will choice and our role in His story. I don’t know if you can help enlighten me and my situation because my heart has been in so much pain and I want to be set free from this mindset.

  6. Great info and something I need to practice more often. I gravitate towards one- sided relationships and give far more than what I get. Thank you for writing this one Debra!

  7. What book/program will be best for me?! Is this even a program for me being that I have been married and have a child. I was married for 8 years, together 15 yrs. all of my 20’s and 1/2 of my 30″s. I had opportunities where God placed other people in my life that probably were a better partner, due to love, loyalty, and fear I stuck it out and looked at the good parts of the relationship. I am now in my 40’s, divorced for approx.10 years with a child. I never knew the importance of praying for a husband, I learned this much later in my life from a wonderful group of friends and women who truly look to the Lord for guidance. The last few years, I have began to feel lonelier and as if I will never find a life time partner. I think maybe I already had that in my life and the best gift was my child.. In the earlier stages of my divorce, I didn’t want to be alone and found unhealthy relationships including online dating which I find very difficult as well as scary. Then I decided to go under hibernation because it seems easier and safer. My favorite quote ” I’m waiting on the Lord.” I feel he will send the right individual when I’m ready and the time is right. He knows I want a Godly man, who loves the Lord, respects my child and I, and wants a committed relationship as much as I do. I think I’m “STUCK” on waiting mode for the Lord, not sure how to take the next step without fear of being hurt and making the wrong choice. I often feel there are people who have more serious needs and problems than a partner how can I ask or pray for that?!Please let me know if any of these programs/books can apply to me.
    Thank you

  8. Hi Debra, please explain what you mean by signing up to get some love in my inbox?
    Thank you!
    Carmen

    1. Author

      Hi there! It means sign up to get free articles and resources from TrueLoveDates.com in your email inbox 🙂 Enjoy!

  9. Mmmh, this is truths made plain! I love you Mama. More grace.

  10. A-MEN. No truer words have ever been spoken. I wish I had heard this kind of teaching when I wasted three to five (!!!) years of my life crying after someone who I thought at that time was “the love of my life”. I couldn’t believe that the guy left me. Why didn’t he love me? Wasn’t I good enough, pretty enough? Instead of accepting the reality and moving forward I kept stalking him via Facebook, whishing he’d take me back, and breaking my heart again and again as I saw him dating different girls but not me. I kept hoping and praying that his eyes would open and he’d notice he had done the worst mistake of his life when he left me. But you know what? LET THEM GO. Let them walk and don’t look after them. If they left you they were never yours in the first place, and God has SO MUCH better in store for you. You will never – never!! – be good enough for the wrong person. Let that sink in for a moment.

    People, spare yourselves from unnecessary heartache and let people walk away if they want to. And keep walking to a different direction, to your brighter future. It’s the best thing you can ever do.

  11. Thanks, Debra! I had to do this a few weeks ago and cut things. It was hard…but the right thing to do. You can never make another like…or love…you. God shook me up on this one. I’m free and am ready to go find the right woman – because I deserve it!

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