Why Won’t Christian Men Make a Move?

In Dating, For the Guys, Relationships, Single by Debra Fileta176 Comments

“What’s up with all the godly Christian men not making a move?”

Out of the hundreds of questions that appeared in my Q&A submission box last week for this 10-part series called “Dating Q&A”, let’s just say that this one showed up a few times. Questions like:

What’s up with Christian men not making a move?! Why is it that nonbelievers come across as so driven, while Christian men can seem so passive in relationships? I’ve heard these question countless times and have even been the one asking the question once upon a time.

In Christian circles, it’s not uncommon to hear the women complaining that the men in their church just aren’t stepping up and initiating a relationship!

Let me preface this Q&A by saying that I’m not typically one to offer simple cookie-cutter answers, because as a Professional Counselor, I find that everything in life is so much more complex than it may seem on the outside- including answers to questions like this.

But as I’ve been stewing over this question for a while, a couple things came to mind as to why this concern keeps coming up again and again:

MEN ARE INUNDATED WITH CHOICE: 

It doesn’t take a relationship expert to tell you that in this day and age, one of the biggest problems with lack of decision-making in relationships is the fact that there are simply too many choices! Thanks to the internet, at any given moment, there are thousands of people to choose from just at our fingertips.  Not only that, but we are made to believe that the more choices, the better.

Take the popular show, The Bachelor, for example. One man – 25 women to choose from. There is an array of choices, colors, styles, personalities, and body types right before his two little eyes. With so many choices, it takes a whole lot of making-out to find the right one (insert sarcastic voice here). It’s sad that this is how our society portrays the concept of finding the right relationship, because it couldn’t be more twisted and confusing than this.

Yet, with the men to women ratio in Christian circles being what it is (almost always being more single women than men) sometimes I feel that this same problem presents itself within the church culture as well. I went to a Christian college where there was said to be one man to every seven women. Talk about poor odds for getting a “ring by spring”.

I think part of the problem in the illusion of choice is that when presented with so many decisions to make, one often ends up not making any decisions at all.  We tend to freeze, to stall, to wait, and to postpone decision making out of fear of making the wrong choice. Have you ever been there? I know I have. It’s as though we’re hoping that by not making a choice, somehow a choice will magically be made for us.

I personally know plenty of Christian men who have fallen into that trap, rejecting the bright, godly, amazing women God has put in front of their eyes out of fear of missing out on something or someone that might not even exist.

So to this group of men I say:  Man-up and make some choices!! Don’t dabble into relationships, don’t show interest in 10 women at a time all while trying to find which one you like best, and quit holding out for a woman who might simply be a figment of your imagination while real, godly, beautiful women are sitting right next to you at church. Open your eyes to the blessings all around you, and be courageous to take next steps. God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power. So go ahead and ask a girl out!!

MEN ARE ALSO STRUGGLING WITH INSECURITIES AND DOUBTS:

Another big-picture reason why I believe that our men aren’t taking next steps in relationships is because they are filled with doubts. I think one of the greatest plans of the Enemy to destroy Christian families is to fill our men with fear and doubt so that they end up living their life standing still instead of moving into all that God has called them to.

Because the opposite of fear and doubt is a man of confidence and faith- which is the exact thing that terrifies the enemy. Can you imagine what would happen if all of our men submitted to God’s Spirit, and were filled with confidence, power, faith, and strength? It would totally rock our world and turn it upside down!!

The enemy wants to hold us all back, by filling our men with lies that they are not good enough, strong enough, brave enough, or worthy enough. Lies that tell them they will fail, they will falter, and that they won’t measure up. Many of them have wounds that they carry, or hurts that they’re harboring that continue to speak lies into their life and paralyze them from living life the way God intended.

To these men I would say that it’s time to stop believing the lies and trust nothing less than what God says about who you are in Christ! You have been given everything you need in Jesus Christ to live out the calling God has placed on you. You have been created for great things, and the same God that calls you to these things will also equip you for these things. Whether that means pursuing a ministry, or pursuing a relationship; whether that means starting a job or starting a family: God’s calling won’t take you where God’s grace can’t keep you.

You were made for great things, so step out in faith believing that God will go before you.

And then go ahead and ask a girl out!

While there are many reasons along the spectrum of the two big-picture reasons mentioned above (See HERE For 10 Reasons He Hasn’t Asked You Out) as to why a godly man hasn’t made the move, the bottom line for women is to realize that we have to take responsibility for our lives: including both our walk with Jesus, and our love-lives! So stay tuned for the next Q&A about whether or not a woman should make the first move in a relationship! And stick around for all 10 posts in our 10-part Dating Q&A series!

Additional Resources:

Are you single and ready for next steps in your love-life? Check out this 21-Day Program to Jump Start Your Love-Life!

Want to know how to find and keep the right relationship? Check out True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life!

Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, speaker, and author of the book True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life as well as the 21-Days To JumpStart Your Love-Life Program, where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. You may also recognize her voice from her 100+ articles at Relevant Magazine or Crosswalk.com! She’s also the creator of the True Love Dates Blog!  Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter!

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176 Comments on "Why Won’t Christian Men Make a Move?"

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Victor
Guest

Sometimes men make the first move but are never reciprocated by the ladies. In a scenario where a man is interested in a lady and he keeps being the only one calling the lady on phone and the lady never calls him, what do you call that?

Bonnie
Guest

she’s not interested or she would call back

Greg
Guest

A few more reasons:

* One or more unresolved personal issues that we feel could keep us from being a good husband

* Simply not attracted to everyone (neither are women to men; just a fact of life)

* Repeated criticism and/or rejection from women in the past

Bo
Guest
I’ve heard the complaint for a long time that “Christian men are too afraid to ask women out” on the Boundless site and others, and I’m just not buying it. The constant connection (usually by women) is that it’s their fear keeping them from acting. My theory why church women aren’t getting dates?—This hurts, but the men just aren’t attracted to the women in their social sphere. (sadly.) And the conclusion that the guys are too afraid to ask is easier to deal with than saying they aren’t attracted. Now, take those same men who are “too scared” and watch… Read more »
Bo
Guest

Hehheh… I know. 🙂 I’m on their side though!

And Debra, I think this article is totally right about being inundated by choice & affected by insecurities. This response was something that’s just been on my mind for a long time as I listen to my friends at Boundless when they speak of men being lame and not taking action out of fear as the reason.

Omega Man
Guest
A reason I never approached a woman in my church was because of the fear that if things did not turn out as expected, then I would have to leave that particular church and go somewhere else. From my experience, women don’t want men that other women have rejected, that is no lady wants to be the consolation prize. The perception among some men at least is that if things go south in one relationship at a church then that is it. He’ll never be able to approach another lady in that church. As for myself, it was only when… Read more »
Bo
Guest

Dang it—really wish we could edit comments.

I think that “choice inundation” is fueling this lack of attraction & general “lameness.”

And why are nonbelievers more driven? My guess is because they aren’t thinking about forever… just the moment. Christian men (who are stuck) are too busy freaking out if they can live the rest of their lives with THAT ONE person… Before they’ve even gotten to know her. So if they DO feel a slight attraction for someone, that’s the fear that can keep them from asking.

Bo
Guest

Whew, thanks! (Little worried about the other one, though. Cinching the buckles on my flack jacket…

Abel
Guest

Especially if you have been married before! But that’s more a fear of making a wrong decision, not making the first move. So personally, I’m looking for someone who demonstrates she loves God more then she’ll love me. And I’m trusting God to show me how to know that!

Dee
Guest
Well Bo….I have to say that if a guy who calls himself “Godly” and is only ATTRACTED to those whatever haired, perky aerobics instructors than he is not living a “Godly” life….he is living a “fleshly” life. I will say that in the church (I’m speaking of my church) there are women who maybe ‘looks’ are less important and they focus more on how they live their life than whether they put make-up on or are wearing the latest trend. I myself have always been one to care what I look like so yes, I wear the make-up, I dress… Read more »
Oye
Guest

Man looks at the outward appearance and God looks at the heart, , the outward appearance is very important I wont lie, if nothing peaks your interest to begin with, its highly unlikely one would sit around waiting for what the heart has to offer. There has to be some physical attraction no matter how small

Mista B
Guest
Goes both ways…maybe the guys who don’t have a six-pack or perfect hair or a fat bank account shouldn’t be discarded either. But guys like this, as well as those who might be a teeny weeny bit older than a girl might want, or have a little too much gray around the temples, are routinely snubbed by ‘godly’ women. While I don’t suffer from all the misfortunes listed above, I perhaps have enough of them to have been consistently thrown on the unmarriable pile. Years ago I had a Christian woman telling me about how she and her friend liked… Read more »
J
Guest

Dee – I think it’s going overboard to say that men who are attracted to attractive women are “ungodly” or “of the flesh”. Everyone has their own personal taste for what they find attractive and it’s not our place to judge that. Sure, let personal taste be informed by Scripture and godly teaching, but personal preference is still within the realm of freedom God gave us.

Becca
Guest
I agree with some of this in the sense that sometimes we allcan lean on the flesh but we have to renew our mind because when that person gets older and her looks fade a a little what then? charecter, heart and the integrity of a person is important there needs to be more of a physical connection and while yes there needs to be an attraction that sparks it all of its not always about looks sometimes an action of an individual can attract you to them. Fpr example a well known singer was attracted to his future wifes… Read more »
Nicole
Guest

I totally understand that you can not be attracted to the single people at your church…but what you’ve posted sounds like you’re saying the single girls at your church just aren’t good enough and that most men only want the “(whatever)-haired, perky aerobics instructor from the Church of God in Southern California.” That’s not very encouraging.

Bonnie
Guest
I agree it is the fear of real commitment sadly to say when they fell off the horse once sometimes or most of the time they fear getting back on well if God would want you together believe it would be that way. You must diligently pray to our Father in heaven and ask Him if she is the one that God wants you to have. And God will tell you to take a leap of faith if that is what God want’s you to do. Must have Faith in God test the spirits also, where did your answer lye… Read more »
Jason
Guest
……and when he has prayed on it and the Holy Spirit gives him the conviction to “ask” her out, or “get to know her” and she replies *you have to let God lead you *I prayed on it, and Jesus told me “no” *I like you as a friend, but I just don’t feel a spark Who is lying? The Holy spirit? The man? The woman? A lot of men are just tired of being told “no” by women in the church, and we don’t want to be labeled “that guy” (creep) by women in the church; because many of… Read more »
Jack Merryman
Guest

Thank you for typing exactly what I was thinking! This scenario has played out for me and quite a few other single, Christian friends of mine. Women in church are basically waiting for Jesus to part the clouds and tell her Himself who to say “Yes” to. A single, Christian man can only take so many “No’s”.

Anthony
Guest

Very true.I need to get out of Midwest.Most women here don’t care about how they look.

Maria
Guest
Yes, Bo, I think you hit the nail on the head here. Christians are not supposed to be shallow, but we’re still humans..and to get beyond shallowness takes work. Christian men are not much different than worldly men that they are indeed visual creatures! Most of them want a woman who they (and their friends) will consider “hot” and attractive. Women are just as bad. Given the choice between the nice Christian devout man who happens to be a busboy at a restaurant vs the CEO of a major corporation who just happens to go to church, which which man… Read more »
Jack Merryman
Guest

The lukewarm CEO with “stability” will win that one EVERY time. Sad, but true.

Luke
Guest

Bo might not be THAT far out 🙂 This concept would obviously vary from case to case, but I can definitely relate (especially in a church where there are more young men than young women). Or is this just a case of “the grass is greener on the other side” thinking?

Jen
Guest
Total tangent: Bo & Luke (Dukes of Hazzard). Or maybe I’m just showing my age. Yee haw! 😉 It’s interesting to hear this from men. As an older single, my options are limited. When I’ve shared my experiences of having been dropped for the perky woman who bounces into the picture — I get resentment from men. Most other women empathize. It has happened to them. Maybe if women were the majority instead of men, we’d be the same. I don’t know. I’ve always had physical preferences, somewhat broadening ones with age, when it comes to men, but I’ve often… Read more »
Jen
Guest

I might add that when I’ve taken the initiative, I don’t get the same courtesy (being given a chance) by more than one or two men over the years. This would seem to support the idea that since I don’t fit some physical and spiritual ideal, there’s not a chance. It has taken its toll, and even friendship with a single guy that involves meeting for drink is out of the question.

Lori
Guest

Could it be that these type of guys are not serious about a committed relationship yet! In my opinion and what I have learned when I guy is seriously wanting to settle down and surrendering to what God wants it is not that complicated. I have seen some very good looking men with some not so good looking women and visa versa.

Austin
Guest

I agree with the main points you make, however there are just as many overly patient women in the Christian dating world. Someone could be attractive and Godly, but that doesn’t automatically mean they’re the right one for you. Yes I think men should be intentional, but I also think women need to fairly reciprocate or inform him it’s time to move on.

Lori
Guest
What does it mean when a guy takes you out once and calls once then after that he tells you all the time call any time but he doesn’t call you any more. Every time you see him at church he talks to you lots and keeps asking what are you doing now after the service or on the weekend and you say nothing. He doesn’t ever ask you out and keeps asking the same question over and over. I did eventually ask “do you want to do something” I got no response. I stayed away from him after that… Read more »
Jessy
Guest
I place this WHY? in the same group with : Why is it so hard to “pick up” the Christian radio station while I have no problem getting the pop station Why cant the site for donations to sick kids process my credit card, yet I can shop at any online store with ease Why are church events so poorly organized and would come across as a waste of time while in attendance yet the non Christian book launch was a breeze to attend It is really “on point” that I saw this article at the very same time I… Read more »
Robert P
Guest

He obviously values your friendship … but he also decided that, for whatever reason, the chemistry wasn’t right for him.

Nothing wrong with that … just move on.

Colin
Guest

Another obstacle is having already had so many knock backs and no longer confident at all, we tend to shrivel into a cocoon to protect what little of “us” is left!

Bo
Guest

Colin –
Have you read Debra’s book? It will give you some good insight, especially her 21 days program. But I’d start with “Wild at Heart” by John Eldredge. It’s several years old now but is super helpful for what you’re feeling.

Gare
Guest
Bo, I’ve read “Wild at Heart.” It’s excellent. And yet what Colin shared connected with me. His emotion cuts right through. The fear, the self protection, the clobbered confidence makes giving up–the tendency toward shriveling–more attractive than, well, I think it should. I hung in there for 20 years with an alcoholic who professed to be a Christian. It grew more and more hellish. She was abusive and endangered our kids. Consequently, I’m divorced. I then didn’t date until 2 years ago (3 years post divorce) when I opened up to another Christian woman for about a year. Turns out… Read more »
Lori
Guest

Hi Gare. Sorry to hear about the misfortunes I relationships I have not had a rose garden myself. One thing that I am very careful about now is changing myself a bit so I attract a better and healthier individual. I think some times we can be way to soft and nice lacking g boundaries and letting g the wrong people in. I know that was an issue for me. To kind and nice. Soft and fluffy and caring and understanding. Guys take advantage of that……Some! Women too! Blessings!

Lori
Guest

Do whatever u can to rebuild confidence then pray and ask God to lead u to the gal he has for u and get back in the game. I may have met u metaphorically speaking g and it never went anywhere because u never asked me out.

Jen
Guest
Dear Colin, the rejections happen to both men and women. Unfortunately, the choice thing with greater access to people further and wider via electronic means is a false opportunity. People are much better off getting to know real people whom they share interests with. Being at the same church and sharing the same values and life approaches is an excellent way to start. My experience is that there are many broken people in church, for that’s how the journey works. We are broken down to be built up again. Therefore, we all need to assume that everyone is on a… Read more »
Matthew
Guest

I’ve been thinking are we also by the consumerist culture of our time? We suck these unconscious ways of thinking and behaving from our surrounding culture. And in the West we are raised to be consumers. That might even reflected in how we approach romantic relationships. We are trying to find the perfect “product”, waiting for that perfect deal.

Oye
Guest

Yes! Yes! Yes! I am not from the West nor do I live there (Im from Africa, Nigeria to be precise) and we are raised to be consumers here too. Being spoilt for choice might very well be an international problem. One has to be intentional and there is some maturity that MUST take place that brings that to the fore

JJ
Guest

This works the other way around as well. The single ladies are also waiting for the “perfect” product.

Suresh
Guest
Interesting discussion! Its wonderful to see the different views on this question. If I may add my coins to the lot, it is a common issue where Christian women openly state that the Christian men wont approach them. There are some more reasoning that goes beyond the confidence issue. We all know men are visual, and it is important for Christian women to (still) remain attractive, even after conversion. It is not fleshly to go after a woman who is healthy and nicely shaped -to name a few. That’s how God made men. This is NOT to say women should… Read more »
LA
Guest

Thanks Debra for another great post. I think there are many factors, one is just fear – fear of the unknown, fear of rejection – rejection hurts! I also think there is some confusion – should I as an aspiring man of virtue proceed with ‘intentionality’ from the onset or proceed slowly, striving to develop a friendship first? Forgive me for turning a comment to a question but it just shows how complex it is!

Zac
Guest
Unfortunately, this really doesn’t echo my experiences. At all. I have no problem whatsoever, getting the ball rolling anymore. I’m usually the one to initiate things (usually a simple “hey, do you want to do something?”), but the question has almost always been met with avoidance, “email or text replies”, or unfortunately even lying. It’s happened enough times and with different types of women in the church for me to notice a pattern. I’m not even shooting for Bo’s ‘aerobics instructor type.’ It’s really discouraging. I’ll admit, I really dislike these articles, because, the Christian women I’ve met have really… Read more »
Mista B
Guest
“But as far as Christian women, I’ve been left asking the question, ‘How much better do I need to be for you?’ ” A thousand times this!! I love everything you wrote there. I’m slowly learning to initiate again after having my self-confidence shot to Hades. But yeah, most Christian women are looking for a Jesus clone in Daddy form. My spiritual qualifiers are, yes, specific…but fairly uncomplicated. Have you accepted Christ as Savior, God and King? Do you have an active fellowship with Him, and try to live out your faith to the best of your ability? Great…let’s go… Read more »
Jen
Guest
I think the key to finding partners is to NOT date, but instead, have courses in which we develop friendships and get to know eachother through practicing as christians. Imagine a course called “how much better do I have to be to find someone”. All the singles who are brave enough would get in there and provide an enormous wealth of experience, humour and articulate their feelings. Honestly, I think we are all tackling this the wrong way….we want christians who live out their values. So how to do choose a person? By their income or body type or who… Read more »
Michael H.
Guest

Friendship is definitely not the way to go. It’s only rarely does that work out. It just creates more confusion.

What needs to happen is for more people to go on dates just because and not make a decision to say no based on a lack of attraction. Because not only do feelings change quick, they are also more likely to on a date as opposed to normal interactions.

J
Guest

Zac – I applaud you taking the initiative and putting yourself out there. Bravo! I’m sorry it’s been such a tough crowd out there…

Jane
Guest
Zac, one question is if these women are even interested in dating at the present time. If they are in their late teens or early 20’s I would say 25-50% are more concerned with finishing their education or starting a career. Women are generally planners and keep some strict priories. Also, sometimes it feels like as a girl in her early 20’s, you almost have to date guys a few years older for them to be in the same place as you maturity-wise and w/ matching goals. Another thing is if what you are saying is taken as you mean… Read more »
user1
Guest

Wow! sir your post here is on point!

Jared
Guest

I agree with Zac, maybe its not the same with all ” Christian women” in other regions but the ones I’ve met in my region that proclaimed they are ” Christians” are just a bunch of stuck up snobs…. I once was told by a “Christian” woman that I was interested in and even asked out, that God told her she couldn’t date me…..when the Good guys are shot down like that, our thinking “What does God have against us”..

Jen
Guest

Zac,

I am so sorry this has happened to you. We sure need moral support when working through issues of intimacy and relationships…..

Jen

LA
Guest
Zac, I probably should have been clearer with my comments. I am not averse to asking women in the church out – at all. My greater point was navigating the complexities of going beyond that first engagement/date/hangout, how many dates does one need to go on before the DTR (Define The Relationship) conversation? I agree with your greater point about men are always being told to “man up’, it would be great to have articles addressed to women that motivates them to give the Christian brothers who take initiative a chance instead of dismissing them. That being said, I sincerely… Read more »
Daniel
Guest

As I was reading I was reminded of where we are socially in America…Christian or not. I believe “choice” is low on the list. Men ARE afraid to commit. They are watching how their fathers, uncles, brothers, and male friends have to live if the marriage dissolves. I don’t want to be a killjoy on a dating blog but check the statistics, sadly again Christian or not. I believe the facts/stats are still 50/50. Scary odds when considering making a covenant with God.

Nikki
Guest
Zac (and all the other more courageous men out there), I’d like to address this avoidance problem many of you have encountered. This is just my perspective, which may not be the case for all women. I’ve rejected a fair handful of men in my life. Almost all of them I did by avoidance. I hate that I did that, but even after I learned how frustrating it can be for men, I still found it extremely difficult to be honest and forthcoming with a rejection. I’m just so afraid because so many men take a rejection to mean that… Read more »
Michael H.
Guest
Complete rejection (no dates) hurts more than one date. No girls ever agree to a date, and that hurts more than anything (a singular rejection is entirely different from a string of rejections). Nobody (except other dateless singles) understands how elated I’d be just for one date. To me, when a girl doesn’t “give it a chance” it tells me she thinks I won’t be able to live up to what she’s looking for. But you can’t know until you try. If a girl were to ask me out, I’d almost certainly say yes. I would say it would be… Read more »
Jessica
Guest

Hey Debra,

Have you read the article “Why Don’t the Guys in my Church Ask Women on Dates?” on Revelant from last month. I’d love to know your thoughts. I related to it a lot because I grew up in my walk with the Lord while in college and the I Kissed Dating Goodbye book was BIG! It seriously messed up my view on dating and relating to men over all. It’s also a pretty funny read.

Thanks for all you do and come NYC soon 🙂

Jess

Glenn
Guest

I can give you one of the reasons guys won’t just go up to a girl…not all, but most girls don’t make themselves welcoming or inviting. For example…a guy could pass a girl in the hallway and the girl thinks he’s really cute. The guy looks right at her when they pass, but she won’t say hi or even look his way! Ladies all you have to do is give eye contact and smile and you just made yourself approachable.

Allison
Guest

I’ll be honest…as a Christian, single woman the responses to this article were kind of discouraging. It just seems like there’s no real answer to this dilemma of so many perpetually single Christians. A lot of us woman say that godly men need to be more assertive and ask us out, and a lot of men want more response from godly women when they do reach out. Maybe we all have things to work on.

Bo
Guest
Something encouraging has been rolling around in my head while at work–and my first comment was pretty negative so I better redeem myself. (Though Deb gets the final word 😉 So, awhile back I was talking with a doctor and I mentioned how I don’t think I could handle having my own kids because of the extreme worry I have about my nieces. Knowing he has children, I asked how he doesn’t implode with worry. He said, “I still worry, but in the end you just do everything you possibly can—and then let them go.” And I think that applies… Read more »
Dee
Guest
Bo, It seems you sole concern is that the woman (Christian or non) should strive to “look” the part to attract a man. That my friend is very superficial. We have a lot of ladies in our church who are not all about the hair, clothes, make-up and they are the ones with the husbands, it’s those who are so into themselves THEY seem to be the ones who are looking for Mr. Right and can’t seem to find him….I wonder why that is? Here are a few Scriptures you may want take hold of….. 1 Peter 3:3-4English Standard Version… Read more »
J
Guest
For the record, I’m female. It is an unfortunate reality we live in these days as single Christians…. We’re told not to rush in finding a partner until we’ve “discovered ourselves” or “grown more in spiritual maturity”. But by the time that happens, most Christians find themselves with little to no prospects. My general observation has been that it can be really hard to know what’s good for you, or what “fits” you. Compound that with a Christian culture (I’m talking 90s-00s here) that frowned upon dating or male/female interaction, throw into the mix a rise in Christian men who… Read more »
user1
Guest

wow! lol that’s amazing!

Aimee
Guest
I wasn’t going to comment on this, but reading through the comments has convicted me a bit. I’m one of the girls that rejects guys via avoidance. The opportunity to accept/reject a guy doesn’t happen in my life very often, but enough to know that that’s how I deal with unreciprocated interest. In my defense, I would like to point out that it is partially because of the intense pressure to treat all the men in our lives as brothers…can you guys out there even fathom how difficult it is to let you down honestly and in an upfront manner… Read more »
Glenn
Guest

Aimee,
You’re making it too difficult on yourself. If a guy comes up to you that you’re not attracted to and asks you out and you’re afraid to be honest with him…all you have to say is..”sorry I’m dating someone”. Even if you really aren’t dating someone. Most guys will understand and move on.

Sam
Guest

Saying ..”sorry I’m dating someone” when you’re really not is a LIE!

Michael H.
Guest

You should not be worried about how the guy feels. Most guys won’t be bothered by a rejection. Disappointed, yes, but nothing more. If someone is rude about being rejected, then they aren’t in a position to be asking anybody out on dates. Please don’t let that type of person get to you.

JJ
Guest

Amen to that!

Emily
Guest
I think this problem goes both ways and becomes a cycle. I go to a Christian college that has fine arts series about twice a semester. I hear girls talk a lot about guys. When it starts getting close to a fine arts, I hear many complaints about how guys just don’t ask girls to fine arts and how frustrating it is for girls. But I also hear guys talk about how they asked a girl or several and the girls said no. I began to realize that what the girls had been saying wasn’t entirely true. Guys do ask,… Read more »
Michael H.
Guest

Thank you for mentioning this. I get rejected every time, it’s frustrating to not ever get the chance to go on a date and let things play out in that setting. I had one particular instance recently where she told me she was interested in another guy- so far as I know she is still single months later (we didn’t really know each other well, though). It’s a good point that rarely ever gets brought up.

Bobby
Guest
In general the church(also our society and culture) has done boys/men a disservice, failing to properly equip and groom them into ATTRACTIVE Godly Men(same can probably be said of the girls/women too). I’m sorry to say it, I mean just look at the situation at hand, being Godly just isn’t enough and it pains me to say this. Also, the church isn’t fostering a healthy, positive and encouraging singles environment to thrive in. I have a lot more to say but these two battlefronts of a larger war at hand fit well with this post. Lastly y’all need to stop… Read more »
Nicole
Guest
You are so right, Bobby. I’ve noticed the same about the church…we aren’t equipping men OR women to fulfill the roles God intended for marriage. Men aren’t taking initiative and leading their families in godly ways…and women are respecting their husbands or taking care of their homes and families like the Bible instructs. But what I DO see is the church thrusting people into dating and encouraging them to “just get married already” because THAT seems to be the most important thing….to not end up single. But when you see a couple 7 years and 2 kids later in an… Read more »
lisa m
Guest

I’m sure the reasons for not asking are many, but in all reality..I would guess they aren’t asking us because they’re not interested..or not interested ENOUGH.

Greg
Guest

Part of the problem too are lack of simple opportunities to meet each other to begin with. Even in the very large church I go to, it’s difficult (if not impossible) to meet other singles.

lisa m
Guest

I hear ya, Greg!

Israel M.D
Guest

A Very enlightening aricle and comments,thank you Debra,you are blessing to the generation,I celebrate you ma.I can see that much of the discussion has been about why Men don’t make a move as against the Legal & very accurate defence from Men that Christian Women reject Christian Men.
Debra could you help give an insight in your subsequent blog on “why Christian Women reject Christian Men who make a move”?

Cameron
Guest
Hey Debra. I’m a guy, and I was rather discouraged by this post. It was good that you prefaced this by saying that dating is complicated, but then you went on and only gave two reasons for why Christian men don’t ask Christian women, and both of them concluded with men being either being complete jerks, who take advantage of women or scaredy-cats, who believe lies. Even just one good reason why Christian men haven’t made a move I think would have helped balance the post a bit. Unfortunately, based off this post as is, the only conclusion I could… Read more »
Steve
Guest
I think a lot of it has to do with the cultural difference and viewpoints on this topic. As a 20-something, general society really encourages and makes hero’s out of men that pursue women (whether Godly or not). If you look at the television landscape in particular you’ll see shows like How I Met Your Mother where characters like Barney are made a hero for his attempts to pick up women. You’ll see it all over the place in general society. I think a good way to sum it up would be that dating is fun, marriage is boring. All… Read more »
Benny
Guest

From my experience, I have initiated and was direct regarding my intentions. However, sometimes people don’t initiate especially in churches because of the possible shift in dynamics of the relationship and if its small/medium church … ppl finding out and etc.

ML
Guest

I attended my girl friend’s church and most of the single men there (which you could count one 1 hand); did not even make eye contact with you. How could you really start a conversation with these men?

Nicole
Guest

When I’m struggling with my singleness and hoping and waiting on a good Christian man to ask me out on a date, I refer to the verse “The man who finds a wife finds a treasure and receives favor from the Lord.” Proverbs 18:22. It doesn’t say “The woman who pursues a man…” My point is that God has placed a charge on men to “take action” and ask out women on dates and pursue relationships.
I strongly believe that the right man will ask me out on a date and pursue a relationship with me.

Jessy
Guest

I agree with you Nicole. The Lord will honor your measure of faith.

Tiff
Guest

Interesting… Maybe you would benefit from reading the book of Ruth…

Kennedy
Guest

Looks like it’s not only the Christian women complaining. It might just be a global dilemma. Food for thought for us the men. Though women too need to take a hard look at themselves and question whether the whole ‘feminism’ movement has made them want to be men and then get shocked when the men don’t ‘show up’.

Chris
Guest
I love the discussion here and felt like I wanted to add something. I grew up without a relationship with my father, so I never really had a positive role model for male-female relationships. I learned from watching television/movies and from other teenage boys (who surprisingly aren’t great role models). As a secular society, when we talk about men ‘making a move’ we are generally talking about self-confident guys walking up to women they don’t know and flirting. Which is a huge deal in the best of circumstances. Now, as a church/Christian society, we tell guys ‘your identity is found… Read more »
Emily
Guest

Amen Debra!! For years I have been saying that Christian men need to step up, step out, and man up. I think one of the ways that our churches are falling short these days is having true discipleship for men and teaching them what it’s like to be a true man of God.

Sam
Guest

The problem here is not that men don’t pursue. There are plenty of godly men who are sincerely pursuing marriage and get constantly rejected. Women (especially younger women) are pursued by men all the time. The problem is that the women are way too picky and choosy and the men who are pursuing them they have no interest in. If she’s not immediately attracted to him he’s instantly rejected. You women should try giving average looking men a chance.

Emily
Guest

I agree Sam…I definitely have opened myself to give more people a chance.

NT
Guest

Well then where are these men who are pursuing women? Do I need to move to another state because the single men in my church in PA with 3,000 plus members are not asking out women. I’m speaking on behalf of my group of female friends who attend this church on a regular basis and participate in young adult activities.

Nathan
Guest
Wondeful post and equally interesting discussion. I see that ,pretty much, all bases are covered and I hope my contribution won’t be repetation of what’s already been said. Now, the issue of siglehood and dating seems universal in all churches not just here in Kenya. I’m a member of the Nairobi pentecostal church well nigh five years now and what I’ve observed is that everyone is kind of obsessed with marriage and dating so before I go any further, I would like to ask; What is dating and more precisely, what is Christian dating? Because whenever I hear the ladies… Read more »
Kate Hurley
Guest
This is a great discussion! I have mixed feelings reading these comments. First, I am so happy to hear the men’s perspectives and realize that you can be just as insecure and frustrated in the dating world as we women are. We need to hear that. We think we are the only ones that are insecure. The talk about the “aerobics instructor” is a hard one to take. Almost every woman I know is insecure about some part of their body if not their entire appearance, no matter how beautiful they are. Take me for instance…I have a successful career… Read more »
Zak
Guest

Kate that is great to put in the time to love God more! From a guy who really loves the Lord, I definitely value that waaaaaaaaaaaay more than looks!! From your pic you seem to have good looks going for you too though!!! Don’t be discouraged!! God loves you!!

Lance Conley
Guest

Dang. Well I think you’re pretty so I have no idea how you aren’t getting dates 🙂 just saying. I have this problem often too though. Anytime I ever ask I’m rejected and i’m fairly confident. It may be because I have a limp and am a bit outspoken and heck I will admit I am likely flawed but who isn’t? 🙂 Hope that’s a confidence booster though when I say don’t give up 🙂

S
Guest

Might be an article worth reading if I really cared. Way too happy . safe, free and content on my own. Men + relationships = confinement, abuse, shame, fear , mothering and I could go on. Maybe one day that view will change but from what I see nowadays it is much better to be alone.

Robert P
Guest

I agree … and I’m a guy.

I have no need for a naggy person in my life as I value my freedom too much.

hans
Guest

Ok guys I would like some opinions. I’m trying to get to know a young lady and I’m utterly clueless how to tell if there is any interest on her part. Does anyone have some tips??

Kevin
Guest
Hi Debra, First, I want to say thanks for the good work you’re doing. I appreciate this blog and the chance it gives us to discuss and learn together. I know I’m pretty late to this discussion, but this seems to be a good place to ask a question I had while going through your 21 Days program. I think that dating can be difficult for introverted men, especially for those following Christ, and especially after reading advice like yours about how important friendship is before romance. What exactly does this friendship look like? In Day 12 of the 21… Read more »
Kevin
Guest

And, by the way, when I say “nothing is happening with more than one woman at a time,” I’m not talking about anything physical. I guess you could say I’m referring to “talking,” as mentioned in item #2 here: http://truelovedates.com/10-things-single-girls-want-single-guys-to-know/

Zak
Guest
Hi there. I recently got saved around 4 years ago and am in my twenties, yet have not been out on a date since I got saved. God really has changed my life, and I am so thankful for what He has done for me. I’m not really like most people, but perhaps I can describe how it is for me. I feel confident in what I believe in and don’t really struggle with a whole lot of insecurities as far as who I am or how I physically look. Actually, I feel like I am a pretty good catch!… Read more »
Zak
Guest

Also, the most important thing I am interested in is a woman’s relationship with the Lord over looks. I think i do have to have a general physical attraction to the person, but that is not what I am looking for. I think if someone really loves the Lord and is godly once I get to know them I will probably find them more and more attractive and beautiful!!!!!

John
Guest
Here’s the problem at my church (very large, many congregations, very well established, single women greatly outnumber single men). As a man, it doesn’t matter that you’re outnumbered by women. You get exactly ONE (1) chance to ask out ONE (1) woman, and if it doesn’t go perfectly right, you will not be dating anyone in that congregation. I don’t care if there are 50 women for every guy. You see, women talk. If a guy asks a girl out and she says no, no other woman will go out with him, because he’s been “rejected”. No one wants to… Read more »
JJ
Guest

Well said.

Jason
Guest
Applause. Thank you. I attend a small church (under 100 people). I met a woman there, in fact met her on the first day I showed up. A little younger than me (late thirties), single mom, a few kids. Pretty. No she wasn’t “hot” but she def was pretty. After about a year of attendance. A polite “hello” here and there. A friendly smile to her. Small talk over coffee before adult-Sunday-school. I “asked” her out to dessert. Specifics. Time day, and even included her young children. Shoe-in right? Took my time. Waited on God. Waited til people “knew” me… Read more »
Caleb
Guest

I talk to these christian women about my life and their eye’s gloss over, or they laugh at me. Seriously I would rather be single.

Mark
Guest

Just maybe a very, very, very small percentage of Christian guys just are not confident to approach women. They seek God and have faith and trust in Him but just do not feel bold enough to approach women ( and I do not really mean the kind who have no desire to marry)

Justin
Guest

In my case, it isn’t too many choices.

I usually focus on one lady at a time with intentions to date. The paradox that I’ve come across is this, when I’m assertive, she is spooked or creeped out. However, I don’t want to do *nothing*.

I’ve been single for a while now, and it takes a lot out of me when I ask a gal out to lunch or something, and I don’t hear back, and if I do, she says no.

I’ve very analytical and introspective, so repeated “no’s” or signs of a lack of interest begin to wear down.

Step Off Ladies
Guest

For the record, I am 30 years old, living with my parents (again), and have no job. Despite my college degree and my skills, it is highly likely that I will never work again. So why should I even bother talking to single women? Seriously, a guy who can’t put my talents to good use, no matter how hard he tries, would be a fool to seek a wife. Still interested, ladies? I did not think so.

PC
Guest

My questions to you are these:
What kind of skills and degree do you have?
Why is it highly likely that you will never work again?
Have you thought about relocating, or developing a different skill set?

There are a lot of things you can do without having a “proper job” too…don’t give up just because life has dealt you a bad hand.

T Mung Langel
Guest

I think its because church goers women looks more respectable than those who don’t. So most men never put them up as their first choice because they respect them more .

Scott
Guest

Problem is i get no replies in dating sites.I check out churches either some are too young or too old or married or none my age is there.And yet i ask where is the women?Is their any who has no kids?

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