A Single’s Guide to Valentine’s Day

In Advice and Encouragement, Single by Debra Fileta12 Comments

I’ll never forget my absolute worst Valentine’s Day ever.

To start, I was single.  Which may not sound like a big deal in and of itself , except that I was also recovering from a difficult breakup. I felt kind of lost.  I wasn’t sure what to do with myself.

Have you ever had one of those moments in life where it seems like EVERYONE has someone but you?  I couldn’t even have a “girls night out” like I’d had in years past because this year, the girls were all out with their guys. To complete the miserable day- I was hundreds of miles away from my family.

I remember feeling really alone. No flowers. No chocolates. No notes. No one to tell me they loved me or to hold me close.

So what did I do, you ask? Oh, you know, just added to my misery by watching a ridiculously sappy chick-flick, alone in my apartment, and cried the entire evening away.

Happy Valentine’s Day to me!

Looking back on that day, I realize I was dealing with a lot of frustration, unknowns, and some really big hurts in my life. The pressure of life not turning out how I wanted it to, and the fears of the unknown were making me feel desperate and consumed with wanting a relationship.  Add to that the ridiculous emphasis our culture puts on Valentine’s Day–and you’ve got the perfect recipe for a crummy day.

As I think back on my life and my miserable Valentine’s Day I realized something– life didn’t always turn out exactly how I wanted it to– but it turned out just how God wanted it to…and what He wanted was so unbelievably right.

If you find yourself struggling or alone this Valentine’s Day,  remember these truths:

1. You are exactly where God has you–so cut yourself some slack, and show yourself some love.  There is comfort in knowing that when you’re running after God- you’re always going to be running in the right direction.  So much of life happens the right way when our focus is in the right place.

So cut yourself some slack this Valentine’s day, by taking off the pressure of finding the right person–and simply focus on finding yourself.  What do you enjoy doing? Where do you like going? How do you like to spend your time?  Treat yourself to a really fun day by doing something you love. Take the time to practice the art of self-care, and hone in on nourishing your physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.  There is no better place to learn how to love your neighbor- than by learning to love God-created, God-ordained, God-designed self.  Why not start this Valentine’s Day?

2. Don’t just wait to be loved- go find someone to love.  In True Love Dates, I talk a lot about how our society fools us into believing that our significance is found in the reflection of another human being.  We look for love, and wait around until we find someone who will love us.  But the craziest thing about it is that real love looks awfully different than this.

According to God’s word, real love means we go, give, love, and serve the people God has put into our lives.  The people who need to know His love- and experience a glimpse of Him here on earth.  And sometimes, the best way to take our mind off of our own struggle–is by putting our mind on better things.

Rather than simply waiting around to be loved, or sulking about your lack of love–take the initiative and lavish the love you have on the people God has placed you around.  Plug into your community, your church, or your small group and plan a get-together. Or better yet, volunteer your evening at a soup kitchen, the boys and girls club, or a senior home.

Looking back, some of the most significant Valentine’s I’ve ever had were spent with my little friends from the boys and girls club- playing ping pong, making V-Day cards, eating chocolate, and telling stories of God’s love.  The best memories of my life as a single woman were definitely the times I spent pouring out my love to people who needed it the most. Talk about a perspective shift – taking my eyes off of me and pouring my heart into others.

No matter who you are or what your relationship status this Valentine’s Day, remember that you’ve got a whole lot of love to give.  Pour out your love by investing in yourself–and connecting with the people God has placed in your life.  Then sit back and remember that the greatest expression of love was by a God who poured out His entire life for you.  That very same God has spectacular things planned for your life…trust Him with tomorrow.  And then go out and live for today.

What are some ways you might spend treating yourself and loving others this Valentine’s Day? 

Like this blog? You’ll LOVE the book! Find out MORE!

Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, national speaker, and author of True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life21 Days to Jump Start Your Love Life, and 21 Days to Pray For Your Love Life – where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. You may also recognize her voice from her 150+ articles at Relevant Magazine or Crosswalk.com! She’s also the creator of this True Love Dates Blog!  Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter or book a session with her today!

Comments

  1. Thank you for these words of encouragement, Debra! I REALLY needed to read this today. Currently, I’ve been fighting a cold for the last few days and, as we all know, it’s no fun being sick! Ugh!🙁 But, as you mentioned, there have been several times where I’ve felt that everyone except me had a significant other in their lives. And, even those whom I thought were the most unlikely to be in a relationship, for whatever reason, were in one! Go figure! 🤔 While, I haven’t been too focused this year on my not being in a relationship on Valentines Day, I do identify with your points about being good to ourselves and loving others. In fact, God has been speaking to me recently about being good to myself! And, I know in the past, whenever I’ve reached out to others through serving, it takes my focus off of myself and my problems. So, again, your encouragement has, once again, been spot on! Thx again for what you do and may God continue to bless you and your family!!!

  2. I hate to echoing this refrain Debra but you continuously overlook the fact that God has written some people off as damaged and unworthy of relationships. There are a lot of people out there who could flourish with the right partner but are dealing with circumstances that make meeting someone or getting a relationship started extraordinarily difficult.

    If you get the idea that God doesn’t care about you, or doesn’t think your worthy of having a companion, it’s very difficult.

    1. Hi Rick,

      I hope your week is a good one. Can I just start off by saying: I hear you. And I get it – I think. Because, I too bought into this lie that I’m…defective and unworthy of being in a relationship. I believed this because I (like many others – single and in relationships) am full of sin. Like so much sin, it’s ridiculous. But here’s the thing: I’m not defective OR unworthy of love/a relationship. And neither are YOU. I totally understand that it’s hard to believe, especially if you feel like you’ve been waiting on God, for what seems like a lifetime, to bring someone into your life. But please, please try and believe it.

      I’ve never been in a romantic relationship before. Meanwhile, all of my friends have been in and out of, and back into relationships, like it’s some kind of revolving door of endless suitors. And you know what? Sometimes that makes me feel like somehow, I’m broken…defective…damaged.

      But it’s not truth. Why?

      Because I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14) and I have been created in the image of God Himself (Genesis 1:27). There were no mistakes made on that Monday in February, 25 years ago when I was born. I was not an afterthought that somehow slipped through God’s hands and He said, “Ooops…” No. I was made exactly as I am for a purpose. And you were too, dear brother.

      Nowhere in the Bible does it state that God made man and saw that it was…damaged. No, He saw all that He had created and saw that it was good!

      I hope you know how special you are to God. And if you don’t I encourage you: when a thought like, “God, I believe I am unworthy and damaged” comes to mind, immediately go to Him in prayer and ask Him – “Father God, is this true?”

      Let Him determine your thoughts. And I know He will be faithful to respond. Grace & peace to you.

    2. I agree with this. The whole “Fate” “Destiny” “There’s always one for everyone” isn’t a truth, it’s a fallacy.

      A lot people have proved this to me thus far. But I’ll let you know when someone proves to me otherwise….

  3. That was awesome and very true. My grandmothers taught me that when I was feeling down and depressed about my life, to go out and help somebody else. They always told me, you will feel so much better about our life, and your problems and issues won’t seem so bad when you help other people, and show them love. And they taught me that when you show others love, that love will come right back to you 10 fold.

  4. I’d have to disagree about loving oneself, because the Bible says no one hates themselves. Furthermore, you can’t give what you don’t have. Someone who doesn’t have a lot of love can’t give very much of it.

  5. Thanks debra, i’ll try my best to take your advice, it’s just hard, cause i just angry and lonley on holidays, cause my mom not here, and this week i’ve been a spiritual warfare, and tears and feeling tired and worn. Please pray over me. God bless you.

  6. Last year I sent my friend virtual v-day cards. One of my best friends mailed me a card and a box of chocolates. I plan on buying my roommate a card and flowers this year 🙂

  7. Debra! Thank you for this beautiful and encouraging love-filled article! It’s been tough lately since I “lost” a very close and dear friend –got him friendshipzoned–which eventually made our friendship dry and cold since I told him I wanted to date him but not really saw him as a person to commit and love long-term. Recently, started to re-communicate with my ex-boyfriend in a friendly and kind way, I found out I still had feelings for him (we dated long-distance for almost 4 years!!)–I haven’t completely moved on or released my feelings for him! (We ended everything last 2 years right after Valentine’s day) 😔 It was hard! Now, I am ready and determined to really let go and let God be God! Thanks sooo much for sharing this!

  8. Thank you Leighann Blackwood. You may have been talking to Rick. But you spoke to me. I was feeling kind of down after yet another dud attempt online. I’m turning 50 at the end of the month and never really been in a relationship. It’s hard not to question yourself. Thank you for your words.
    Thank you too Debra. I think I’ll buy chocolate hearts and pass them out to my customers on Vday. Make their day.

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