Single In Your 30s: How NOT To Lose Hope

In Dating, Single by Debra Fileta41 Comments

Q: I’m in my mid-thirties and have lost all hope in ever finding love. I’ve never had much luck in the dating department, and with each passing year, I get more and more discouraged. How can I keep believing for something that I- and everyone else around me- thinks will never happen? -Brittany

A: It seems easier to trust God when you’re single and still in your 20s. You are hopeful, patient (well…sometimes), and even excited to see what lies ahead when it comes to relationships and finding love.

But doesn’t it seem like something happens when you turn 30 that sabotages your hope?

There was a funny video going around YouTube where two girls sing about their singleness. One is 29 and the other is 31, and in just a couple short years, their attitudes about their singleness drastically change…

Because….Thirty!!  All of a sudden the reality hits that life hasn’t turned out like you planned. You thought you’d be married by now, with a couple kids in tow. It may even seem like all your friends are reaching those desired milestones: getting married, having children, starting their families. Everywhere you look, from church pews to your Facebook news-feed, you seem to be faced with the nagging reminder of what you don’t yet have.

Being single in your 30s is hard, because for most of you, it isn’t what you had planned. For some, “love” has come and gone and your heart has been severely broken. For others, love has yet to come along. It can be hard to keep hoping and believing like you did in the decade that passed. Here are some things to remember when you’re single in your 30s.

1. Keep Trusting- Even When You Don’t Believe: Trusting God can be really hard when things don’t make sense, but to be honest, that is the very definition of trust. It’s believing what we can’t see, not what we can. If you’re struggling with this stage of life, it’s okay. But more than anything, don’t allow your struggle to pull you away from God, instead use it to push you closer to Him. Oftentimes in my life, I’ve had to come to God in the middle of my darkness and cry out “Lord, I don’t believe…help my unbelief.” God honors your heart, and understands your humanity. He will give you what you need for today.

2. Don’t Buy Into the Lies: It’s easy to start thinking crazy when we are trying to “figure out” why life didn’t turn out as we planned. We can start to over-analyze everything and end up frustrated and discouraged. There are so many lies that we might be tempted to start believing about singleness (such as “Something must be wrong with me….[read more here]) but these degrading lies are straight from the pit of hell, because they are meant for our destruction. Avoid the mental traps of blaming yourself, blaming God, and blaming others- and instead fill your mind with the truth of God’s promises. If you are walking with Jesus than you are right where you’re supposed to be. Trust His words, because they are the only things in life that are guaranteed to stand the test of time.

3. Become “Un-Independent”: We live in a culture that totally OVER-values independence. We want to do everything on our own, without having a need for others. We spend so much of our 30s managing our own money, building our own careers, and taking control of our own lives. But the attitude of total independence goes against the very core of who we are made to be, because we are made in the image of a God who wants to be in relationship. We, likewise, are made to connect with others. There’s a huge difference between being dependent (needing others to complete us) and interdependent (inviting others into our lives).

We need community, not because people complete us, but because God gave us people to edify us, help us, encourage us, and sharpen us. Rather than allowing your time of singleness to lead to isolation, be deliberate about entering into the lives of others and inviting them into yours. Plan coffee dates and movie nights; attend bible studies and small groups; take art classes and ballroom dance….and surround yourself with people who hope and believe for the same things you are hoping and believing for. It’s more than okay to long for a significant other…but don’t forget to surround yourself with “significant OTHERS” (mentors and friends) while you wait.

4. Remember, God’s Plan is always Good: My favorite quote reminds me that “If you knew what God knows, you would have chosen what He’s planned”. God’s plan is always good. Not only that, it’s always best. I’m not sure how long it will take us as human beings to get that straight, but from what I’ve experienced in my life, God has been willing to prove himself over and over again to me. His plan has always been so much better than mine, even when I didn’t believe it would be. From the blessings of my career and family, and all the way to through my pit of depression and family crisis…God has always been there, and everything has been working together for my good. For those who love God, we can always count on the truth that God has our best interest in mind. He hasn’t forgotten you, not for a moment, and greater yet, He’s never left your side. He cares about you and He cares about your love life. Trust Him on this journey, and open your heart to what He has in store for you today. It’s always, always, always going to be good.

My prayer for you is that God would give you the strength you need to trust Him, that He would fill you with hope, and that your life would be rich with the relationships He’s given you right here and right now.

For some major encouragement, check out my friend Alison’s incredible story: I Didn’t Get Married in My 20s, and Here’s What I Learned or check out A Guide to Singleness: For Your 20s or A Guide to Singleness: For Your 40s+

*This post is a modified version from an earlier post that appeared in 2014. Thanks for tuning into the Q&A series!

Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, speaker, and author of True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life21 Days to Jump Start Your Love Life, and 21 Days to Pray For Your Love Life – where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. You may also recognize her voice from her 150+ articles at Relevant Magazine or Crosswalk.com! She’s also the creator of this True Love Dates Blog!  Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter or book a session with her today!

You can’t find love unless you know how to recognize it when it comes along:

Comments

  1. Thanks so much for this. I can imagine myself coming back to this regularly!

    1. Author

      You’re welcome, James. I’m glad to hear it gave you some things to remember! Blessings!

  2. Thanks Debra, really enjoy your articles. Being single in my late thirties, I’m now more at peace than in my early thirties. Went through the depressions, believed the lies, blamed mostly myself. But the Lord never gave up on me and I’m thankful for that. His love and His Word are keeping me. I’ve quoted Proverbs 3 :5-6 and Roman 8:28 many times a day and my new favorite is Romans 10:11. At times I still struggle with the lies and it can get really hard. But I refuse to let depression slip in again. And the community the Lord has blessed me with is awesome! God bless!

  3. Thank you, I have been praying ALOT about this lately. I feel as though God forgot or cant hear that I want love and a family. I am 31 and like most women, panicking as i go to all the kids birthday parties and baby showers and weddings, alone.

    I have to keep remembering GOD has a plan! Even though I have A HUGE PATIENCE problem on top of it ha ha

  4. As always, there’s good stuff here. But I’m still looking for a bit more hands-on advice. How do you use your struggle “to push you closer to Him”? How do you “surround yourself with people who hope and believe for the same things you are hoping and believing for” when almost everyone around you is married with kids? It’s a lot easier said than done.

    1. Freddie,

      After reading the blog and comments, your comment stood out to me. I don’t know you, you don’t know me, but we obviously share singleness. I don’t have all the answers, but your paragraph really hit home with me, it has so many truths in it! SO many! So, I respond to your comment in love and respect!

      First, to answer how do you use your struggle “to push you closer to Him”? I still have better days than others with this one, but the Lord is pretty cool, in that He knows our hearts better than anyone and knows just how to draw us closer. It looks different for everyone. I am in my mid thirties, and mentor many younger gals ages 19 through late 20’s. The Lord uses these gals in my life in more ways than I can tell you in this comment. But, what I am trying to say is, if you invest in others, be that living example of what a single person living for the Lord looks like, the Lord draws you closer to Himself. Let me share an example; this article. One of the precious gals I mentor sent me the link to this article. Little did she know that very day, I was discouraged and asking the Lord again, ‘why am I still single?’. She shot me the link and in her text said, ‘YOU are this person to me!’ Honestly, tears formed in my eyes the moment I read her text because I knew the LORD was the instigator of this text, and HE knew my heart was needing encouragement at that moment, and used this gal for His purpose! And in that moment, I knew the Lord was drawing me closer to Him by saying, “My child, I have NOT forgotten about you, and look at how I, the Great I Am, is using you in the lives of others at this stage. Be encouraged.” And so, in that moment, I drew closer to the Lord, and in my heart said, “Yes Lord, in my singleness today, I will still live for YOU. Thank You for the reminder!” For me, part of drawing closer to the Father, is by investing and serving these other singles.

      Second, as far as surrounding yourself with people that hope and believe for the same things…that are NOT married? with kids? They are everywhere…the marrieds with kids and un-marrieds. One thing I have done is prayed for these people, the singles. Yes, I have prayed the Lord would put these people in my path, that I would be able to connect them to others in the same stage of life as myself. And when I have prayed that, I can’t tell you the number of people the Lord has brought out of the wood work. People come and go, but it has been a blessing to connect others, to see people looking, desiring, needing fellowship with others in this same phase. (A phase most of us didn’t think would last this long) And, to be honest, the Lord has done some pretty funny things. (people getting married out of these fellowships, which causes me to question yet again, why am I still single?! BUT the Lord reminds me that I have a purpose for HIM, that only I can do, this is beautiful, and if that is connecting people for fellowship and friendships, and marriages develop, than I need to keep doing what the Lord is asking me to do) Sorry, I digress. Anyway, I continue to reach out to others in this same boat, I mentor those younger than myself, and through the struggles, through the moments of hurt, the longing of a spouse, I will continue to serve the Lord, trusting His greater plan, even when I can’t see it and I am frustrated. For HE knows my heart, and draws me closer to Him in my weaker moments.
      Please don’t hear me wrong either, this is not all butterflies and rainbows. My heart hurts too. But, when I have the chance to encourage someone with what the Lord has done for me, being single in my 30’s, I am all over it! God put believers here to encourage one another, to challenge each other, and to share life together! I could share more stories of the ups and downs and I love to write so I apologize for the lengthiness of this, but will refrain from sharing more God stories. 🙂
      So, I will end with this: Be you. Be the YOU God, the Creator, made YOU to be. No one else can be who you are, do what you do, see what you see, love like you love. And through it all, find a way to bring glory to God, in the joyful times and in the sorrowful times! Today, for me, that means even in my singleness I will try my best to bring glory to the LORD!

      “I will BLESS the LORD at ALL times; HIS praise shall CONTINUALLY be in my mouth!! … Those who look to HIM are RADIANT, and their faces shall NEVER be ashamed!” Psalm 34:1; 5

  5. Brilliantly put Debra. Very true to wait upon God’s time but sometimes to be true the wait can be painful and also upto when can you keep waiting. I mean if your mum calls you to bring her something and you keep saying I will I will I will that can be directly read as “i don’t want” too at the end. This journey of singleness to those like myself purely waiting is really frustrating. At times it feels like you are procrastinating yourself then you realize later that you can’t just lead this life the way you wanted it to be and that’s when it feels like a failure. It is a pain in the thong especially for women. #GodStrengthenTheSingles

  6. Beckie,

    Thank you very much for taking the time to write such a lengthy comment! Or perhaps it could be called a short novel… Anyway, I really appreciate it. I’ll get back later with some comments.

  7. Beckie,

    A few more comments… and don’t take my frustration personally! We seem to have certain things in common, like singleness and being in our mid-thirties, and I like your attempts at practical advice, not just bringing standardized “nice” words.

    But apart from that, our lives seem to be very different. It might be that God knows exactly how to draw me closer, but then He can’t be using that knowledge at all. And obviously, I’ve prayed that God would put people in my way that I could connect with and perhaps find some close friendships there eventually – it hasn’t happened. So, no, definitely no butterflies and rainbows here.

    Ok, I’ve complained enough for now. Let me end in agreeing with you that we need to be ourselves – that’s true indeed, even though that’s not always easy either.

    1. Freddie,

      I am glad you responded. Will you please clarify what you mean by your sentence: “It might be that God knows exactly how to draw me closer, but then He can’t be using that knowledge at all.” I am not sure what you mean. 🙂
      And, I am praying for you!

  8. Beckie,

    I simply meant that I don’t see any signs of God drawing me closer, or being interested in my life, or having some kind of plan for me, or whatever… Thanks for your prayers!

    1. Freddie,

      Hi again! I love that for some reason the Lord keeps putting you on my mind! I continue to pray for you, and am seeking the Lord at how I can encourage you. I obviously don’t know your whole story, I don’t know your history, your walk with the Lord, your testimony, what you have been through, what you do, what church you are involved in, etc. That is a lot of unknowns. But when I read your responses/questions, I hear, (and please forgive me if I am wrong as I am only reading words on a screen, I can’t hear your intonation), I sense your heart is heavy, sad, and hurting. You desire to know God, and to hear His voice, but your not sure where to start to hear Him or see Him move in your life? And if that is the case, I want you to know beyond a shadow of a doubt, if you have asked the LORD to be just that, the Lord of your life, YOU are His child, and He LOVES YOU more than you or I will ever know! AND, because He loves you, He desires to hear from you and for you to know Him deeply. And like friendships/relationships here on earth, it starts with communication to get to know each other, and as with the Father, it is through prayer and reading His word! Psalm 73 might be a great place for you to start. (The Lord just recently directed me to this passage to learn some lessons through it.) The author, when he wrote this chapter, was discouraged, was down, questioning what the Lord was doing. There are many truths in this passage and it took me a while to process and understand it, but there is such encouragement in it…Here is a link helping explain Psalm 73, please look past the title, but ask the Lord to reveal what He wants you to see in this passage. I suggest reading the passage slowly through a couple times, and then read this short article. https://bible.org/seriespage/pain-and-presence-god-psalm-73-death-young-mother (A couple things about the article…first of all, it can be applied to our ‘singleness’. And secondly, the ending, ‘Conclusion’, of this article concludes about Mary Smith, however, you can fill in your own ending, of how it applies to you. That is what is SO cool about God’s word! It is truth, applied to each of us!)
      As always, I am praying for your heart!
      Please let me know if you would rather I stop responding, or if you would rather respond directly in emails. I also want to disclose that I don’t know it all, I don’t have it all figured out, but I have the Word of God, I talk with the Lord often, and He puts His children in the path of His other children for a reason, to lean on when we are weak. So please know my intention is to truly encourage you, point you to the Lord, and His desire for you! After all, YOU are an heir to Christ!! And Psalm 139:16 states, EVERY one of yours was KNOWN BEFORE even the first one began!! So, today, no accident! THAT is God’s Sovereignty! 

  9. ***Psalm 139:16 correction: Every one of YOUR days, yes, DAYS was known before even your existence. Sorry about that!

  10. Beckie,

    Yet another long comment – thanks for your concern! I don’t mind keeping the conversation going here.

    It’s fair to say that my heart is heavy, being a Christian who has pretty much given up on faith and God. I’ve been a Christian my whole life, and over the years I have obviously prayed and read the bible quite a lot. But I still ended up here, with ZERO communication, and lots of disappointment.

    I’m not expecting my life to be perfectly smooth and pain-free – the cause of the disappointment is feeling so completely disconnected from God when people around keep telling you how wonderful and loving and close God is, and it’s not just some temporary glitch. When I ask how to experience this closeness, I get answers like in the article (“you must draw near by trusting in Jesus Christ”) which are (I’m sorry to say this, and again don’t take it personally!) simply ridiculously vague.

    1. Freddie,
      Nothing taken personally! I do wish we could sit face to face. But, since that isn’t the case, here I go. Thank you for your realness. You are right, it can sound ridiculously vague to ‘draw near by trusting in Jesus Christ’. Anyway, a couple questions for you: Did you read Psalm 73? Did you ask the Lord to reveal the truths He wanted to encourage you with through His word? I look forward to hearing from you!

  11. But single leading up to 40? I’m 36 so 40 is right around the corner. Sheesh. Seems like I’m Single4Life. I feel like I need to change my middle name to Single4Life and go by S4L.

  12. Beckie,

    Yes, I’ve read Psalm 73 a number of times now, trying to find anything encouraging there. And I did ask the Lord to reveal truths etc. Let’s say it wasn’t very successful. In fact, I didn’t have to read more than the first verse to feel discouraged instead. “Surely God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart.” I’d say I don’t qualify in either of those categories. And it doesn’t get any better towards the end. The only ones that are holding my hand are my brother’s kids (love them!), and earth has indeed a number of things I desire.

      1. Freddie,

        Good day to you! I have been praying and pondering how to respond to you. Here it is.

        Your last response, “I’d say I don’t qualify in either of those categories.” Is where I believe a good place to start would be. “to those pure in heart”. I would start with crying out to the Lord, to ask for a pure heart, to ask for revealing of the Holy Spirit. It sounds to me like your relationship with the Almighty God, the King of kings, the Creator, the Master, the Prince of Peace, Jesus Christ needs to be restored. He’s waiting, and He will wait! He is not looking for perfection. He is not waiting until you have “everything put together”. He wants you just the way you are, and HE will do the changing. But, YOU have to do the asking. YOU have to do the talking. YOU have to be still before Him. EVEN when you don’t think you are hearing Him. YOU can’t give up on Him cause I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, HE HAS NOT GIVEN UP ON YOU!!! And as it says later in Psalms 73; “My flesh and my heart may fail, BUT GOD is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” That is a promise, you have to BELIEVE it, even when you don’t ‘feel’ like it! Read His word, even when you don’t ‘feel’ like it. Pray, even when you don’t ‘feel’ like it! If you are consistent and persistent, with an open heart to HEAR, your consistent/persistence with falling before the Lord, to grow closer to HIM, will be answered. Overnight? No, just as any friendship/relationship here on earth, it will take time to grow closer, to be able to understand the other person (GOD), but the time put FORTH, will be worth it down the road.
        I continue to pray for you friend! Seek Him, ask, and He will open the door!

        Prayerfully,
        Beckie

  13. BECKIE & FREDDIE !! Now that I have your attention!

    I am almost 31 and I will be honest. My heart hurts when I look around me at church or life in general and see couples dating, married, expectant mothers or mom with kid (s) in tow and I think , when is my turn? When is it my turn to find someone, start dating, have companionship with someone. Live life with someone? I live close to my bro and sis-in- law and I am their babysitter { 4 boys!!!} and that often means if we go somewhere together that I sit in the back of their minivan in between their 2 oldest, and I’m sitting there and thinking, I don’t want to be in the back, I should be in the front passengers seat beside my boyfriend or husband. Don’t get me wrong, I love being an aunt, but there are days when my heart hurts because I don’t have someone just for me. Last year, one of the boys asked me 2 times ” So Aunt Selina, when are you going to get married?? ” Like I knew the answer to that one!!! So I said ” I don’t know dude, I have no idea!!!” His answer made me think and still makes me think to this day when I think about it” Well, you need to get married!!!” Does he see me as unhappy ?? I don’t really know, but I try to “put a brave face on” when I feel sad and I am around my family or friends just so they know that I am “ok” with my life right now. He was 6 when he asked me that. I am not a fan of Valentines day, wonder why?? I know God, my family and friends love me, but sometimes I would like it if just one more person would like me!!!

    Did any of that make sense? or am I just talking in another language?? Freddie, I am agreeing with your comments. It’s not easy to live ‘ single’ in a “couples’ world. You are not the only one!! I am there too and soo are thousands others!!!

  14. WHOA ARE WE!!!

    Since when did any of us DESERVE or have a RIGHT to be married?! Where in scripture does it say we will get married and live happily ever after? Where does it say that we will have that ‘one’ special person in our life to share with until the Lord calls us home?! Where?!!?
    I am tired of single people wallowing in their singleness, desiring what is on the other side of the fence. TRUE JOY and CONTENTMENT come in serving the Lord our God, Maker of heaven and earth!!! Seriously…our VERY existence, our very purpose for living is NOT for our own joy, (or marriage) it is to live to make HIM known! To point people to Jesus Christ, the Way, the Truth and the Life!!! For some people this is married, HALLELUJAH! For some people married WITH kids, HALLELUJAH!! For some people, married with NO kids, HALLELUJAH!!! For some people this is a longer season of singleness, HALLELUJAH, and for others, singleness until the Lord returns, and that should still cause for a HALLELUJAH!! Our purpose and desire of the heart should be TO be so in love with Christ, to desire to know Him MORE and MORE and MORE and MORE, and to make Him known through our actions, that however the Lord determines our future, we give Him praise for it! Don’t get me wrong. MY HEART HURTS, and many tears have fallen over still being single!! I want to be married!! And I was almost married!! Let me get a little personal with you: I was engaged to a man, and only a couple months from the actual day of getting married to the one I loved, cherished and knew so well, the Lord made it clear, this was not right. I can’t describe to you the battle that went on in my heart over this! ‘Get married…you can just push aside what the Lord desires…and you can push your way through this marriage, just buck up! You will at least have the American dream…a marriage!’ Those were my thoughts! Well, I battled with the Lord on this and my flesh SO desired to be married, SOOO bad!!! I almost went through with it! But let me tell you the reward came (NOT without great sorrow, hurt, and tears) when I submitted my heart to the LORD, and did what HE wanted me to do…call it off! Do you know how many people had already bought gifts? Someone even made us a wedding quilt! DO you know I had my dress, flowers, etc…do you know what it is like to disappoint THAT many people? Not to mention this man with whom I had planned out the rest of my life with!! It was SO hard! So hard! And yet, I will NEVER forget the Peace, the peace that passes ALL understanding that I felt when I obeyed the Lord!! When I finally obeyed! Let me tell you: the blessings through that time and that followed, even years later are countless, after the heart ache of course!! And ladies and gentlemen, since that step of faith and obedience over 12 years ago, I can honestly say, with tears of JOY, I wouldn’t change the outcome for the world!! WHY!?? Because my Savior SO loves me and draws me to Himself EVERY day, and His plan is best!! Did it hurt? Absolutely!! Was it hard? Absolutely! But now, I have the choice to live joyfully with where the Lord has me, or I can live bitter, wishing every second that I was married to that man. And, I will say, until the day I die…I choose Christ first!! Even through that pain, I would choose to obey Christ again, than to not be where the Lord wants me. Married or not. My point being, serving and living for Christ first, is worth more than ‘being married’. And by all means, you can still serve and live for the Lord married, but don’t let what you don’t have hinder your serving and living for the Lord!
    Yes, my nephews ask me why I am not married! Almost every time I see them! My 9 year old sister asks me why I am not married. And you know my answer? It points right back to the Lord. “The Lord hasn’t brought me a man, that as a team, we can continue to build the kingdom. But as I wait, I serve the Lord.” And then of course I jokingly ask them, “Do you know someone for me?!” And they giggle!! And you know what…what an opportunity to be a living example of Christ to these young lives!! To be able to show that living for Christ is better than to settle for the wrong guy!
    Don’t get me wrong. I want badly to be married! I literally, in my home, imagine what it would be like if I had a husband to cook dinner for. I imagine him coming home from work, planting a kiss on my forehead and asking about my day. I imagine dropping by a special lunch to his place of work, and I even imagine those tiffs we would have over the silly toilet paper roll…and I desire all of that. I want that. And yet this season of singleness is such a blessing to reach out and bless others. And through doing that, the blessings that come my way are immeasurable!! GOD IS SOOOOO GOOD!! EVEN in my singleness. The desire for marriage is there, but I choose to live in JOY as a single, today!
    So my suggestion? Whether you take it or not…grow closer the Lord our God. You can’t go wrong getting to know HIM more and more. And HE WILL give you the desires of your heart…because HE will change those desires to line up with HIS, which are the best ones, EVER!! For me, my desire is to please and obey Him, no matter what! I hope and pray that that includes marriage one day, but because my desire is to please Him, that really is an after thought of loving Him, and making Him known!
    My challenge: reach out to other singles that might be feeling the same way as you, reach out to the single elderly lady that needs encouragement, reach out and bless those around you. Cause do you want to be known as the ‘single person who is stuck in moping’ or the ‘single person that lives beyond themselves’ serving and living whole heartedly after God? And really when we meet our Savior face to face, it’s NOT going to be a question of: “Did you get married?’ It will be: ‘How did you serve ME?’ (single OR married) This doesn’t take away our hurt or our wants, but it changes our perspective!!
    Psalm 62:5 “Find rest, O my soul, in God ALONE; my HOPE comes from Him!”
    And, from one single to another, I am praying for YOU!!
    Love and prayers,
    Beckie
    P.S. I also suggest reading Debra’s post: “1 Step To Being More Content” Hold your judgment until you read the WHOLE thing…and I challenge you, to accept Debra’s challenge at the end! Talk about perspective…it’s your choice!

    1. Hi!

      I stumbled across this site.. and this page.. by God 🙂
      I am a 31 single woman who is also ministering to the youth and some young adults in my church. I read your posts and was thrilled to see your passion and love for Jesus coming through your words. I would love to connect through email if you don’t mind. Hopefully you will see this message! Well, God willing!

      Blessings,
      Sandra

      1. Sandra,

        God is good in His timing and how He works! I love how HE has directed us to this same page, and how we can encourage each other. Deb has a gift of writing and encouraging so many people! (I know I have been blessed!) Anyway, I don’t want to assume, but also want to throw it out there, as I am not sure if you were asking for Deb’s email or mine, or both…and would be happy to share my email. It is: rrsupertree @ gmail Anyway, if it wasn’t mine you are looking for, no problem! 🙂
        Keep growing in the Lord and serving Him!!

    2. Beckie, your response to Freddie and Selina are so faith filled and beautiful. I wish I knew you in person because you really seem to be a woman of faith and a woman of God. Yes it hurts being single and knowing only God has total control; but I was so encouraged by your answer to Selina. Thank you so much!

      1. Keren,

        Thank you for your kind words…He, God, our Creator is worth all the hurts! HE loves us that much and I only try to love HIM back!

  15. Beckie,

    Again, thank you for responding!

    As I’ve said before, I basically agree with you – we have to wait, we have to try even when don’t feel like it, etc, etc. But I feel like I’ve been doing just that for such a long time, without any obvious result (other than me becoming mad at God, but that doesn’t count here).

    I was baptized 10 years ago, and it was like God pulling me out of the dark into the light, pretty literally. Wonderful – but it was 10 years ago!

    Also, when I held my newborn nephew for the first time, my heart changed, and I started to love children. But that’s the only tangible change I can think of, and that’s almost 8 years ago (he’s such a big boy now!). My main desire (physical healing) is the very same as 30 years ago…

    For me, it’s starting to feel like hypocrisy here – I’ve done the crying, asking, talking, silence, reading, praying, whatever, for years and years, and there’s just some point when, well, I won’t bother anymore if nothing happens.

    I’m not sure to whom your second comment was intended (Selina?) so I won’t say anything about it.

    1. Freddie,

      Hi again! You continue to be on my heart and in my prayers. And the line of your response that catches my eye is the physical healing. I don’t want to pry, but I am wondering what type of physical healing you desire(for 30 years)? And even if you aren’t seeing anything happen, this is where the Lord asks us to step out in faith, trusting HE will work all things together for His good. Whether that is complete healing, partial healing, or changing our heart to accept and use our physical limitations or ailments for His glory. Don’t give up on God. HE LOVES YOU, will never let you go, and hears EVERY prayer, hears your cries, your asking. He sees when you read His word, He LOVES you, and in Psalms, it even says he cares so much for you, that he holds each tear YOU cry…HE knows the very depths of YOUR heart! HE. LOVES. YOU. Truly! I continue to pray for you, and I am boldly praying the Lord restores your JOY and that He would place someone in your area directly in your path to encourage you, mentor you, support you, and pray with you! Hang on sister! Jesus is worth it!
      Love and prayers,
      Beckie

  16. Selina,

    You’re very welcome to participate in this discussion. My nephew has asked me too why I’m not married, and it’s easy enough to feel estranged as a single 30+ adult in church. But it doesn’t really bother me that much that I’m single, my main struggle is my (non-?) relationship with God…

  17. True Story. My cousin many years ago went to a church dance with his friend and fell for this girl, and he said to his friend that i am going to marry that girl someday which he did. Today he has two grown children which his oldest son is married with a very good wife and they now have a daughter as well. It is very obvious God Blesses many men and women to have a family, but not us which i will never understand why.

  18. Indeed! The k you for posting this. This is exactly what I needed to remember. Bless you ❤

  19. I agree it gets harder as we get older. It is so easy to feel displaced, especially in our church community when we are surrounded by families but often not included. Sometimes it is hard to find where we belong. I can see how God is constantly wanting me to draw close to him and make him the center of my identity. A few years ago I felt the Lord lead me to really let go of the dream of ever getting married. It was a very painful time and process but I felt pretty compelled that I was supposed to go forward as if I would be single for life. But I was obedient and it led me to make some changes that were very healthy. As well as be a better advocate for singles and that the pressure needs to stop towards us on having to be married someday. There’s a tremendous issue in the world and even in the church on believing our sexuality is the core of our identity. When the truth is Paul said it was better to be single. Jesus was single. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being single but it feels like they’re actually is. I was talking with a friend who is attracted to the same sex and is contemplating what God’s plans are for him. He believes following Jesus may mean he is to be celibate the rest of his life. But he said he is so scared because he doesn’t see a place for singles. He said he thinks this fear drives us and people get married who maybe shouldn’t get married just because they are so afraid of being alone. He is trying his best to look at being single for life and that being OK but it’s very difficult.
    It’s a very painful thought for any of us and we don’t want to think God could have that for us. But if sexuality isn’t at the center of her identity and Jesus is, we have hope!
    My journey went very differently than I would have ever thought! As I let go of everything and leaned into the Lord, good life changes happened. I had to work at keeping Him my hope. I continued dating but with a light hearted-ness. I did meet someone and am getting married at 37. A sweet guy who lost his wife to a long battle with MS and has two teenage daughters. I had to deal with the grief of having things not go as expected but the reality is they have gone much better. In my 30s I had to renew and harder to the ward and an intimacy grew that is most unique. I was at a place not planning to get married but just a little while after my fiance’s wife had passed we met. It couldn’t have been sooner. While I’m thankful I am getting married I am more thankful Christ is life, he’s the good shepherd, and in him we have all we need.

  20. I am in my late 40s and still trusting God to find true love and his perfect will for me and I believe deeply that he has done it and in a matter of time it will manifest. So, no matter what do not give up

    1. OOH good stuff. This is what I am talking about!!!let faith arise. It will manifest I know it. God bless you

  21. What about those, like myself, in their 50’s? I have waited all my life for the right person and they are still no where in sight. I still pray almost daily, but have yet to see God answer. I have been waiting since my 20’s. And yes I do try to get out and get involved with people in various outings and groups. For whatever reason, it just has not happened yet. I am still praying.

    1. Continue to pray Erich. Until you leave this earth or taken in the rapture, continue to hold on to what is your desire. Do not give up unless it is for real. After all God knows our heart and we cant lie to him. You hold on to your desire just don’t allow it to draw you away from God or become bitter, How do you do that? Each day live with expectancy ( look great all the time, wear fashionable clothes ( your fashion, whatever, just look your best). Smell great, keep your dental appointments or buy toothpaste and mouthwash to do the job until. Look about your nails, toes and fingers. Keep your hair groomed. Keep being interesting and positive. How? go to the library. Borrow books or magazines that are of your interests. Learn a new language. Watch you tube videos on relationships from a Christian perspective . Read the scriptures and keep close to God and know that what he has planned will be awesome. Live your best life everyday, people are attracted to faith. YES faith in God and Godly living is attractive. Praying by the end of this year you will have some prospect. God bless you Erich. God is for you. God sees you. Don’t ever forget that.

  22. We’re always told to “continue to pray” and/or “keep/have faith/hope” and it almost always comes from those of whom are not single and seem to have God on speed dial.

    It’s easy to tell people to do these things, but until one has been in our position, no one can understand how hard it is to keep hope and faith. I have none of the former, and only a few specs of the latter.

    1. Author

      Kyle, I’m just going to be bluntly honest here, but I don’t think that’s accurate. You don’t have to walk the EXACT road someone is on to be able to offer encouragement and hope. We all have our struggles….really hard ones, in fact. 2016 was one of the most brutal years I’ve EVER walked through personally, and I also needed hope, faith, and prayer.

      For some, it’s being single, for others it’s illness, joblessness, loneliness, childlessness….etc. There are so many areas of life where we ALL need to continue to have faith and hope, because God promises us that He has our best interest in mind. So, I think no matter what stage of life we are in (or not in)….we can find hope and strength in one another. So, with that said, I pray that whatever that hard thing is for you – that you would to find peace within it.

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