5 Things Every Girl Needs to Know About Love

In Advice and Encouragement, Dating, For the Ladies, Single by Debra Fileta14 Comments

There are so many things I wish I would have known as a single woman; so many things I wish someone could have told me. When it came to relationships with guys, there are so many things I didn’t know.

I often struggled with understanding my value and my worth, and my identity was far from established. If I had the knowledge that I have now and the perspective I’ve acquired, it would have saved me a lot of heartache and grief along the way.

As a relationship counselor, author, wife, and mother- there are so many lessons I’ve learned along the way. Here are some of the things I’ve learned, that I wish someone would have told me:

1. The most important person you can get to know, is yourself.

It’s amazing how many hours I spent getting to know guys. Countless hours and energy were spent trying to figure out who they were, what they liked, and how to get them to like me. But sometimes, we can get so caught up in finding the right guy, that we end up losing ourselves. What I’ve learned over the years is this profound truth that the most important person you should get to know- is yourself. When it comes to finding the right guy and getting into a healthy relationship- you can’t know what you want until you know who you are. Take the time to get to know yourself, it’s the best decision you’ll ever make.

2. You will attract the kind of guy you think you are worth.

The truth is that we all come with some sort of a price tag. And the crazy thing is, what determines our price tag isn’t the measurement of our waist or the size of our boobs. It isn’t determined by how many boyfriends we’ve had, or how many Facebook friends. The price tag is determined by one person and one person alone: yourself.

We are ourselves the price tag that we think we deserve, and then we’re purchased at that cost. It’s important to get real with the value we place on ourselves, and realize how valuable we are, because we have been made by a God who said so. A God who saw we were worth so much, and paid a high cost just to prove it. One thing I wish someone would have told me, is that if you want to attract someone who values you, you’ve first got to value yourself.

3. Actions always speak louder than words.

I have to be honest, I’m a words girl. I love words. I’m a writer and a counselor, and I use words to communicate every day of my life. But one thing I wish I would have realized back then, is that actions speak so much louder than words. I’m sure we all agree with that statement, but how many of us hold to that when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex?

Guys who can talk the talk someone manage to sneak into our lives and into our hearts- before they’ve earned the right to be there by their actions. One thing I would have done differently, is instead of making excuses for the men in my life- I would have allowed their actions to speak for them. It would have saved me so much time, and so much heartbreak.

4. Your body is just a fraction of who you are.

I remember days of fixating on my physical appearance. I even remember my mood could be altered based on how I was looking that day. Good hair day, equaled good mood. Bloated, PMS day, equaled down and depressed mood. When it comes to the value I placed on my body, I have to say- I had it all wrong, and I sometimes still do.

Now that I’m in a loving marriage, I realize that while it’s important to take care of myself- what makes me most beautiful to my husband has very little to do with my hair, my outfit, or my weight. He’s enamored by my heart, my passion, and my character. He fell in love with my humor, my honesty, and my strength. Those are the things he loves, and the things that hold us together. There are so many external things I focused on that added very little to the equation of who I was. If I could go back, I would have developed my character far more than I focused on my cuteness.

5. Your story has far more to do with who you are than who you’re with.

I think the most foundational truth that I’ve learned now that I’m a married woman, is that my life has far more to do with finding my purpose than it does with finding the love of my life. I love my husband, and I’m blessed by the marriage we have- but I realize that this relationship is just part of the bigger picture God has for my life. My purpose, my security, and my value weren’t resolved in the arms of my man. There is so much more that God has made me to be, and so much more that I want to become.

Finding love is just part of the equation of my life’s story — and it’s only part of yours as well. Seek to find your purpose, your security, and your passions even while standing alone. Because one thing I wish I would have known, is that you’ll never regret investing in yourself.

No matter who you are or what you’ve been through, my prayer is that you learn from my mistakes, because a simple perspective shift can make the difference in your life, and also in your relationships.

Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, national speaker, relationship expert, and author of True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life, where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. Her newest relationship book is set to be released in the Summer of 2018! You may also recognize her voice from her 200+ articles at Relevant Magazine, Crosswalk.com, and all over the web! She’s also the creator of this True Love Dates Blog!  Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter or book a session with her today!

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Comments

  1. Thank you Debra for sharing your Godly insight and wisdom on healthy relationships. This info is so badly needed in our culture. Continued blessings to you and yours. 🙂

  2. Hi Debra thank you for this very thought provoking article. I have been reading your articles for almost 9 months faithfully. I appreciate the thought and effort you put into motivating us to live a life of purpose / finding out who we are. Because I’ve “known my self” all my life I thought I knew me and getting to know other peole was the next step…but reading your articles has helped me to try and figure out more of who I am and focus on things that make me happy and fulfil purpose. Thank you very much! Also if you’d consider in the future writing an article how to really enjoy ones self while being single I’d def read it

    1. Author

      So great to hear, Teffani!! I am so happy you’ve been following along for so long, thank you!! May God continue pouring His wisdom into your life and giving you direction. I do have some articles about that exact subject…let me see if I can find you some links.

  3. No. 4, needed to hear! It’s one of those things I need to keep hearing over and over again. Thank you for being transparent, Debra.

  4. ” you will never regret investing in yourself.” Thanks Debra for putting this so eloquently. The life we live by listening to the Lord and becoming all he has created us to be is the abundant life. Our hearts are then made glad , which will then cause us to shine with the glory of God…” a glad heart makes a cheerful countenance. ” Prov15:13.

  5. That’s so good Debra. As a young single girl (I’m 20) it’s so easy to be absorbed in appearances of both myself and the guys around me. I really liked what you said too about knowing yourself. I have already found that to be useful in any relationship (with my mum, my sisters, my students, my co-workers, etc.) I know that I am eager to serve and get along well with just about anyone, but with that comes a compliance that – if I’m not careful – may cause me to act contrary to my convictions. I know I’ll need to marry a strong leader one day. 😀

  6. Thank you for your thoughtful advice. This article is so universal and I hope it blesses other ladies as it has blessed me!

  7. Thanks so much Debra for this inspiring piece although am not really certain about #2….majority of the guys that come around for either marriage or a serious relationship around are people who are not an idea of what I see in MY future man…I don’t really know…but if you could chip in a few more points on that. I feel it doesn’t apply in all situations

  8. Wow Deb!!! This is beautiful. A word in season…all I can say is thank you so much. Funny I had a discussion with my Pastor regarding this on Saturday…I was feeling so left behind and had gone into “I need to get into a relationship now” mode because I felt time was not on my side and I am super lonely anyway. She then said exactly what you said that life has more to do with finding your purpose. We tend to be selfish about our desires in life not knowing that we are called to something greater than our wants. God has a beautiful plan for each one of us, if only we could stop and ask Him to show us the way and save ourselves the run around and chasing of the wind. Great news to know that no matter who you are and what you have done you are not a lost cause. We serve a good GOD, who can turn our ashes into beauty. An Awesome God, slow to anger and abounding in love. He wants us to be in loving relationships that uphold His will and purpose and in marriages that are nothing short of the example He gave when He likened marriage to the church, if only we could stop and ask for wisdom with unshakable FAITH. God will do it! Thank you for breaking it down like that… and the message that we ought to learn from our mistakes and that of others – priceless! I pray we all do and that God molds, conforms and transforms us into all that He created us to be. Thank you, thank you…joyful this morning all the way from Zimbabwe!

  9. So many nuggets! (I am a mom, with five kids, seeking to point them in the right direction in this area.) You have spoken some razor sharp truths there. I have observed some young women who I thought were so solid in their self worth accepting such questionable treatment from “boys.” I do not understand. Any insight? I know we all have insecurities, but still.

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