“Married couples are boring!” she said. She had just asked me about my weekend, but as soon as I started explaining what our family had done she chimed in with that delightful statement.
“The single life is where it’s at….” she added.
It’s interesting to see how different people respond to the concept of marriage. But with all the different reactions out there, one theme I’ve noticed from many on the outside looking in is that married life gets boring and bland after a while.
And if that’s not bad enough, marital sex gets an even worse rep in our society.
Passionate, hot, exciting, and steamy are usually the last words people think of when they hear the words, “married sex”.
But if you ask me that misrepresentation of marital sex is not only misleading, it’s actually a lie from the pit of hell. I once heard a pastor say that Satan’s greatest plan is to get men and women to have AS MUCH SEX AS THEY CAN before marriage, and AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE after marriage. There is so much truth to that statement.
And unfortunately, many of us have bought into this twisted lie, and in turn, our relational lives have suffered great consequences.
Part of the problem stems from the way we understand and learn about sex. My last post started some really great conversation about the idea that Christians are so good at talking about the CONS of sex before marriage, but fall short when it comes to talking about the PROS of sex after marriage.
My hope is to start changing the way we have this important conversation because God’s plan for marital sex is for it to be such a blessed part of the married life. From my work as a Licensed Professional Counselor, my experience as a married woman, and feedback from godly friends, I’ve put together a list of 5 reasons why married sex is truly the best! It’s time to change this reputation to reflect the reality of the great gift God intended for sex to be.
1. Married Sex offers Unmatched Emotional Intimacy:
The truth is, sex is binding. Within a few short moments of sexual contact our bodies release a powerful neurochemical that facilitates emotional bonding with another human being. There’s something physiologically intimate about that, but more so, there’s something emotionally intimate when two people connect as one. I once heard the word intimacy defined as: “Into me see”. I love that definition because it portrays great vulnerability. And great vulnerability in a safe relationship is what leads to great intimacy. The deeper the emotional connection between two people, the greater the sexual intimacy, because the two always go hand in hand.
2. Married Sex Provides An Ongoing Psychological Connection:
The beautiful thing about marital sex is that it’s not actually about the sex, it’s about something so much bigger, and greater, and more meaningful. It’s about a constant connection with another human being throughout the journey of life. The beauty of marital sex is that its not only about the heat of the moment, it’s about the significance of the day to day. From a special look, to a special touch. From an act of service, to an opportunity for selflessness. From unloading the dishwasher, to speaking an encouraging word. It’s about choice after choice that may start with the mundane of the day, but leads to a magnificent experience later on that night. This deep psychological connection between two people who TRULY know, love, serve, and sacrifice for one another spills out into sex and turns it into something more meaningful than anything Hollywood can muster.
3. Married Sex Thrives in the Safety and Security of a Forever Commitment:
Let’s be honest, sex is one of those things that gets better over time. For my husband and I personally, after 8 years of marriage and 2 children, we can honestly say our sex life is better than it’s ever been. I was just talking to a friend this morning who said the exact same thing about her relationship with her husband. Yet for those of of us who are truly enjoying married sex, I’m sure we could all exclaim that for most of us – it definitely didn’t start there. There is so much about ourselves, and so much about one another that we each need to actively and deliberately learn along the way. Just like anything worthwhile in life, a deep and meaningful sexual relationship takes time, effort, and a whole lot of practice. But we’ve got time for that!! The beauty of marital sex as God intended for it to be is that there’s no rush, there’s only time. Time to learn, time to grow, time to savor, and time to enjoy.
4. Married Sex Maximizes the Physical Pleasures of Familiarity:
Our culture likes to teach us that the hottest sex is illicit sex with different partners. That underlying message is portrayed in our media, in our entertainment, and even in our commercials. Also portrayed by our culture is that for married couples, “sex gets boring”. Hence the need for handcuffs, whips, ropes, pornography, and 50 Shades of Trash (err, I mean Grey….). But the truth is, those who constantly need “bigger and better” things will never get be capable of getting their fill. Our sexual appetites are not meant to control us, we are meant to control them. The truth is, there is a DEEP level pleasure within the security of the familiar. To know and be known is one of life’s most amazing gifts. Within the familiarity of marriage, we are more than free to try new things, but we’re also free to enjoy the same things again, and again, and again. Within the familiarity of marriage, there’s an openness in asking, in experimenting, and even in saying “no thanks”. Gone are the worries to have to “look perfect” or to “be an expert” because within the familiarity of a healthy marriage you are already known, already loved, already desired, and already accepted just as you are. A one-night stand ain’t got nothing on this kind of depth.
5. Married Sex Involves a Supernatural Spiritual Oneness:
I have to admit, I saved the best for last. Partly, because it really is the best, and partly, because I still haven’t totally wrapped my mind around the supernatural power that comes with spiritual oneness between two people. There is an overwhelming sense of intimacy when two people are connected to the same God. The beauty of sex within the framework of a loving, committed, God-honoring marriage is that there is a love present that surpasses all understanding: because it’s not of this world. It’s a love that points to nothing and no one other than the incredible, life-giving, and ferocious love of Jesus Christ. It’s a love between two people that overflows into their life, into their marriage, and into their bedroom. And the truth is, the more the love, the better the sex, because unconditional love between two people is the greatest turn on imaginable.
My hope for those of you reading this is that you are inspired to pursue God’s best for your relationships, but mostly, for your life.
If you’re single: My prayer is that this article encourages you and motivates you to continue or even to BEGIN to wait for marriage, no matter what your sexual history. Consider the value of sexual intimacy within marriage, not only because of the dangers of premarital sex, but because of the eventual PLEASURES of post-marital sex and relationships done in God’s way, and in God’s time. But one thing I want you to remember is that sexual fulfillment doesn’t simply come from waiting until marriage, it comes with choosing the right spouse; someone who will join you on this important emotional, spiritual, and psychological journey. Someone you can trust, and someone you can feel safe with. It won’t be easy, and when you finally do get there, it won’t be perfect, but it will be a fun process of “perfecting along the way” with the spouse that God entrusts to you.
If you’re married: I pray that you would be at a place in your relationship that you can give a heartfelt “AMEN!” as you read through these words. But the reality is that some of you aren’t where you desire to be when it comes to your sexual relationship. Maybe this article has challenged you to make some things right, whether emotionally, spiritually, or psychologically between you and your spouse. Maybe it’s brought some things up that you’ve not wanted to deal with for sometime. Maybe you’ve felt convicted, or maybe even inspired. The truth is, there are so many barriers that keep us from a fulfilling sex life in the way that God intends. I plan to tackle the barriers of marital sex in my next post, but until then, be praying, be thinking, and consider opening the doors of dialogue with your spouse in order to take next steps in your relationship. [Here’s a highly recommended resource for those who are struggling with marital sex].
For others of you: Maybe this article has triggered some deep hurts for things that are beyond your control. From sexual addiction, to infidelity, to abuse and trauma, maybe your picture of sex either in or out of marriage has come with painful wounds, memories, and experiences. If you have been a victim in some way, shape, or form I want you to know that God’s heart breaks alongside of you! God hates these thing even more than you do, because He knows how much pain sin brings into the lives of His people. If you haven’t already, I challenge you to find a Christian Professional Counselor to get started on your own journey of healing. There is so much hope even in broken relationships. I’ve seen it, and believe it with all my heart. Don’t wait for your partner to change or to heal, instead, begin that journey for yourself right here and right now.
Comment below: I’d love to hear your kind and respectful feedback to this article or to the comments below!
Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, speaker, and author of the book True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life as well as the 21-Days To JumpStart Your Love-Life Program, where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. You may also recognize her voice from her 100+ articles at Relevant Magazine or Crosswalk.com! She’s also the creator of the True Love Dates Blog! Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter!