5 Reasons Married Sex is Best!

In Advice and Encouragement, Engagement, Marriage by Debra Fileta28 Comments

“Married couples are boring!” she said. She had just asked me about my weekend, but as soon as I started explaining what our family had done she chimed in with that delightful statement.

“The single life is where it’s at….” she added.

It’s interesting to see how different people respond to the concept of marriage. But with all the different reactions out there, one theme I’ve noticed from many on the outside looking in is that married life gets boring and bland after a while.

And if that’s not bad enough, marital sex gets an even worse rep in our society.

Passionate, hot, exciting, and steamy are usually the last words people think of when they hear the words, “married sex”.

But if you ask me that misrepresentation of marital sex is not only misleading, it’s actually a lie from the pit of hell. I once heard a pastor say that Satan’s greatest plan is to get men and women to have AS MUCH SEX AS THEY CAN before marriage, and AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE after marriage. There is so much truth to that statement.

And unfortunately, many of us have bought into this twisted lie, and in turn, our relational lives have suffered great consequences.

Part of the problem stems from the way we understand and learn about sex. My last post started some really great conversation about the idea that Christians are so good at talking about the CONS of sex before marriage, but fall short when it comes to talking about the PROS of sex after marriage.

My hope is to start changing the way we have this important conversation because God’s plan for marital sex is for it to be such a blessed part of the married life. From my work as a Licensed Professional Counselor, my experience as a married woman, and feedback from godly friends, I’ve put together a list of 5 reasons why married sex is truly the best! It’s time to change this reputation to reflect the reality of the great gift God intended for sex to be.

1. Married Sex offers Unmatched Emotional Intimacy:

The truth is, sex is binding. Within a few short moments of sexual contact our bodies release a powerful neurochemical that facilitates emotional bonding with another human being. There’s something physiologically intimate about that, but more so, there’s something emotionally intimate when two people connect as one. I once heard the word intimacy defined as: “Into me see”. I love that definition because it portrays great vulnerability. And great vulnerability in a safe relationship is what leads to great intimacy. The deeper the emotional connection between two people, the greater the sexual intimacy, because the two always go hand in hand.

2. Married Sex Provides An Ongoing Psychological Connection:

The beautiful thing about marital sex is that it’s not actually about the sex, it’s about something so much bigger, and greater, and more meaningful. It’s about a constant connection with another human being throughout the journey of life. The beauty of marital sex is that its not only about the heat of the moment, it’s about the significance of the day to day. From a special look, to a special touch. From an act of service, to an opportunity for selflessness. From unloading the dishwasher, to speaking an encouraging word. It’s about choice after choice that may start with the mundane of the day, but leads to a magnificent experience later on that night.  This deep psychological connection between two people who TRULY know, love, serve, and sacrifice for one another spills out into sex and turns it into something more meaningful than anything Hollywood can muster.

3. Married Sex Thrives in the Safety and Security of a Forever Commitment:

Let’s be honest, sex is one of those things that gets better over time. For my husband and I personally, after 8 years of marriage and 2 children,  we can honestly say our sex life is better than it’s ever been. I was just talking to a friend this morning who said the exact same thing about her relationship with her husband. Yet for those of of us who are truly enjoying married sex, I’m sure we could all exclaim that for most of us – it definitely didn’t start there. There is so much about ourselves, and so much about one another that we each need to actively and deliberately learn along the way. Just like anything worthwhile in life, a deep and meaningful sexual relationship takes time, effort, and a whole lot of practice. But we’ve got time for that!! The beauty of marital sex as God intended for it to be is that there’s no rush, there’s only time. Time to learn, time to grow, time to savor, and time to enjoy.

4. Married Sex Maximizes the Physical Pleasures of Familiarity:

Our culture likes to teach us that the hottest sex is illicit sex with different partners. That underlying message is portrayed in our media, in our entertainment, and even in our commercials. Also portrayed by our culture is that for married couples, “sex gets boring”. Hence the need for handcuffs, whips, ropes, pornography, and 50 Shades of Trash (err, I mean Grey….). But the truth is, those who constantly need “bigger and better” things will never get be capable of getting their fill. Our sexual appetites are not meant to control us, we are meant to control them. The truth is, there is a DEEP level pleasure within the security of the familiar. To know and be known is one of life’s most amazing gifts. Within the familiarity of marriage, we are more than free to try new things, but we’re also free to enjoy the same things again, and again, and again. Within the familiarity of marriage, there’s an openness in asking, in experimenting, and even in saying “no thanks”. Gone are the worries to have to “look perfect” or to “be an expert” because within the familiarity of a healthy marriage you are already known, already loved, already desired, and already accepted just as you are. A one-night stand ain’t got nothing on this kind of depth.

5. Married Sex Involves a Supernatural Spiritual Oneness:

I have to admit, I saved the best for last. Partly, because it really is the best, and partly, because I still haven’t totally wrapped my mind around the supernatural power that comes with spiritual oneness between two people. There is an overwhelming sense of intimacy when two people are connected to the same God. The beauty of sex within the framework of a loving, committed, God-honoring marriage is that there is a love present that surpasses all understanding: because it’s not of this world. It’s a love that points to nothing and no one other than the incredible, life-giving, and ferocious love of Jesus Christ. It’s a love between two people that overflows into their life, into their marriage, and into their bedroom. And the truth is, the more the love, the better the sex, because unconditional love between two people is the greatest turn on imaginable.

My hope for those of you reading this is that you are inspired to pursue God’s best for your relationships, but mostly, for your life.

If you’re single: My prayer is that this article encourages you and motivates you to continue or even to BEGIN to wait for marriage, no matter what your sexual history. Consider the value of sexual intimacy within marriage, not only because of the dangers of premarital sex, but because of the eventual PLEASURES of post-marital sex and relationships done in God’s way, and in God’s time. But one thing I want you to remember is that sexual fulfillment doesn’t simply come from waiting until marriage, it comes with choosing the right spouse; someone who will join you on this important emotional, spiritual, and psychological journey. Someone you can trust, and someone you can feel safe with. It won’t be easy, and when you finally do get there, it won’t be perfect, but it will be a fun process of “perfecting along the way” with the spouse that God entrusts to you.

If you’re married: I pray that you would be at a place in your relationship that you can give a heartfelt “AMEN!” as you read through these words. But the reality is that some of you aren’t where you desire to be when it comes to your sexual relationship. Maybe this article has challenged you to make some things right, whether emotionally, spiritually, or psychologically between you and your spouse. Maybe it’s brought some things up that you’ve not wanted to deal with for sometime. Maybe you’ve felt convicted, or maybe even inspired. The truth is, there are so many barriers that keep us from a fulfilling sex life in the way that God intends. I plan to tackle the barriers of marital sex in my next post, but until then, be praying, be thinking, and consider opening the doors of dialogue with your spouse in order to take next steps in your relationship. [Here’s a highly recommended resource for those who are struggling with marital sex].

For others of you: Maybe this article has triggered some deep hurts for things that are beyond your control. From sexual addiction, to infidelity, to abuse and trauma, maybe your picture of sex either in or out of marriage has come with painful wounds, memories, and experiences. If you have been a victim in some way, shape, or form I want you to know that God’s heart breaks alongside of you! God hates these thing even more than you do, because He knows how much pain sin brings into the lives of His people. If you haven’t already, I challenge you to find a Christian Professional Counselor to get started on your own journey of healing. There is so much hope even in broken relationships. I’ve seen it, and believe it with all my heart. Don’t wait for your partner to change or to heal, instead, begin that journey for yourself right here and right now.

Comment below: I’d love to hear your kind and respectful feedback to this article or to the comments below!

Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, speaker, and author of the book True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life as well as the 21-Days To JumpStart Your Love-Life Program, where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. You may also recognize her voice from her 100+ articles at Relevant Magazine or Crosswalk.com! She’s also the creator of the True Love Dates Blog!  Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter!

 

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28 Comments on "5 Reasons Married Sex is Best!"

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Greg
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I think (from the single perspective), we read great posts like this and think, “That sounds amazing and oh-so-wonderful–I crave it! …But is there really anyone out there that would genuinely desire that with me? Someone who thinks I’m worth that level of lifetime sexual and emotional intimacy?”

The longer we’re single, the easier it is to believe the answer is “no”. I have to admit, that’s one of my biggest discouragements, and I’m sure I’m not the only one.

Mikołaj
Guest

I agree with you Greg, I have similiar thoughts

Abi
Guest

As a single gal, I found this post so inspiring! As you said in the church we tend to only hear about the cons of sex, which puts you off to it. And then in the society, sex is strictly physical, one and done. So I didn’t even realize there was more to sex than that. But now I’m looking forward to all that sex has to offer in the context of marriage.

Yvette
Guest

Good article,
Can’t wait till my Boaz will be released to experience the blessing of oneness & unity on every level.

Daniel
Guest
I was a fundamentalist Christian for a long time before reality reared its ugly face and then I began to question my faith and all that time I was led to believe sex was a sin even if you were married. I finally lost my virginity when I was in my mid 30’s (not married) and I wish I had done it sooner. I will never regret for one second losing my virginity, even though I grew up in a Christian home. Say it doesn’t make me a Christian, I don’t care. Embracing my sexuality and my desires has led… Read more »
Claire
Guest
Debra, Thank you. As I’m reading these words, it hits me – this is the stuff we should have been talking about all along – all through the purity conferences, and if you do this, then __________ will happen, so just don’t! Just as we can’t expect to spread the gospel by telling the bad news of hell and leaving out the goodness of Jesus, we can’t expect people to wait until marraige by telling the bad news of what happens if you don’t and leaving out the goodness of what happens when you do. Sometimes I wonder why people… Read more »
Paul
Guest
This topic is a painful one for me, as it encompasses one of the biggest dissapointments in my life. I can’t pinpoint the exact year of marriage, but somewhere along the line the sexual frequency changed from a mutual decision to one that she determined. The constant and ongoing rejection has caused years of bitterness and resentment where I often wished I haden’t persued the married life with such vigor. Everything listed in the article is so true, but I’m finding out my situation is not that uncommon. Married sex is by far the most wonderful thing, but can also… Read more »
John
Guest
Amazing article! We need to hear about the positive side of sex in the Christian circles too because why should the Devil have all the good sex. We need a godly and glorious vision for sexuality in the church. Your emphasis on trust and intimacy as the key ingredients for fulfilling sexual life also shows why marriage is the best context for sex. Sex is about knowing your beloved as a person, not just about physical acts. Perhaps it makes a single guy like me to feel a bit left out and frustrated. But it also gives a reason to… Read more »
Taura B.
Guest
Debra, I always enjoy your posts! I see Gods wisdom in every word. Reading your post today. . . . . .Can I say AMAZING! After I finished 4, I let out this deep sigh. .That’s why i’m in this wait for,waiting on my husband at 45, to share that first time experience in that kind of cocoon of marital covering. And 5 . . . just drove it all the way home! It even gave me a faith boost! As, you get older as a single the struggles get a bit tough as many above can atone to. I’m… Read more »
Allison
Guest

I’m so looking forward to marriage and beautiful, God-honoring sex

Aimee
Guest
Debra, after commenting on your last post about how frustrated I was with being single and sexless for what seems like forever, I just thought I’d share with you how encouraged this post made me! Well, maybe encouraged is the wrong word…but strengthened maybe? These are the things that the world is missing out on. Even the most loving, committed relationship is going to always be missing at least one of these things if its not a loving, committed relationship done Gods way and in Gods time. I’m still so so so tired of waiting, but this post reminded me… Read more »
Samantha
Guest
Love, love, love your article! Thank you for being honest about this. You don’t try to make us think that sex is going to be perfect on our wedding night. It’s going to be perfect, because we will be making love with our spouse within marriage, but we might not be good at it right away 😉 I think too often people try to tell us that everything is going to go exactly as planned the first time because we waited. That might not be true, but married sex is still the best thing. So thanks for pointing that out… Read more »
Joao
Guest

Glad to perused from your articles.
so touching.
Debra,
the only thing I found difficult in Marriage sex is when both spouse are not cooperating.
I don’t enjoy mine just because I found it hard for my partner to contribute to our well fare. that’s, not helping me financially.
both of us are working but hard to see my partner’s money.
I regretted in marriage.

thanks for a Christian advice.

Freddie
Guest

Ok, let me try again. I agree with Debra that Christians in general have a too negative view of sex, and I also agree that sex within marriage (our only “allowed” way) has a fantastic potential. However, there’s no guarantee that we will be able to reach that potential, nor are we guaranteed marriage in the first place. Minimizing or even ignoring this fact is what bothers me, as it seems to be a consistent pattern, both in this blog and in the TLD book, which I just finished.

Cindy
Guest
Please continue to speak on this topic because it has been skewed by the media. Our perception, or my perception of sex was what I saw on TV. I only saw the perception of what sex does … bring people together, makes people happy. I did not realize the emotional, mental damage it cause when it is use or done outside of what it is intended for which is marriage. Growing up, this is a topic that was not talked about in and by my culture, my parents, or by those around me. Thank you for sharing and speaking about… Read more »
peppertree5706
Guest
Been married for nearly four years. Wish it was true for us. She blocks our intimacy any way that she can and we are still strangers in the bedroom. We are Christian and did not become intimate until after we were married. So sad. She refuses counseling and has some kind of aversion to sex. I plan to go to counseling by myself and hope she will change her mind. Most days, I pray many times for sex with my wife. So far, my prayers have been answered “no,” She never willingly has sex with me and when she does,… Read more »
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