5 Reasons He Hasn’t Asked You Out:

In Dating, For the Ladies, Relationships by Debra Fileta74 Comments

If you’re anything like many of the single women I’ve come into contact with, you have pretty much given up on the idea of being recklessly pursued by a man.

Forget the fairy-tale dream of being chased after in an attempt to win your heart.  Forget the love letters, the roses, the poems and songs.  Forget it all.

At this point in life,  you’ll settle for about any sign of pursuit…heck, any sign of life from the opposite sex.

So what is it about these guys that is keeping them from pursuing you?  Why have so many men failed to step it up and make the move?

Though I can’t speak from a male’s perspective…I have spoken to a number of males and gotten a lot of feedback.  Let me fill you in a little on what some of them might be thinking:

1.  He doesn’t know you’re interested:  Ladies here’s the thing about us- we think we can read everyone’s mind.  But believe it or not, that super-hero power doesn’t exist…and it especially doesn’t exist when it comes to the men in our lives.   The bottom line is that men don’t know what you’re thinking.  I’ve heard from numerous young men who would love to take the next step in a relationship but they feel like they are getting absolutely no “vibes” of interest from the girl they’re interested in.

If he hasn’t pursued you yet, maybe it’s time to show a little interest.  Don’t be afraid to say hello, start up a conversation, or make some plans.  You are just as capable of furthering your friendship with this guy than with anyone of your friends.  So go ahead and show a little love (and by a little, I mean a little.  We ladies have the tendency to go all out), and then step back and see what happens.

2.  He’s just not that into you:  So you went ahead and showed a little love, and still, nothing.  It’s time to consider the possibility that maybe he’s just not that into you.  I know a lot of women have the tendency to jump to this conclusion immediately, and start getting down on themselves wondering: Am I good enough?  Am I pretty enough?  Is there something wrong with me?

Here’s my conclusion with this whole thing.  Maybe it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him.  If he’s not that into you…then he’s not for you.  I always remind my single friends that at the end of the day, you want to be with someone who is just as crazy about you as you are about them.  Don’t force the fit with a man who doesn’t appreciate you just where you are at.  You are worth far more than that.  Maybe it’s time to consider moving on.  There are plenty of fish in the sea.  Wait for someone who views you as a catch worth finding.

3.  He’s afraid:  Believe it or not girls, some of these eligible bachelors are just as insecure and unsure as you are.  Afraid of rejection, of heart break, and of failure- it takes a lot of courage and confidence to go ahead and make a move, and some men aren’t there yet.

If you are worried your secret interest might be fearful, the best thing you can do for him is pray.  Ask God to give him strength and courage, pray for his heart, soul, mind and strength.  There’s nothing you can do to erase his fears besides prayer, because ultimately, fears are something that must be healed from within.  This is God’s thing if you know what I mean.

4.  He’s working through his own issues:  I think the biggest favor we can do for ourselves as women is to stop blaming his lack of pursuit on ourselves.  If he’s not asking you out, there is a good chance it has so much more to do with him, and so very little to do with you.  Many of the guys I’ve spoken to explained that their failure of pursuing a girl is a reflection of the fact that they are still getting their “stuff” together.  Figuring out his career, finding a good job, moving our from under his parent’s roof, dealing with past hurts, or getting right with God are just some of the things I’ve heard from men who are working out some things in their lives.

I applaud those men, because at the end of the day a healthy relationship begins with two people who have done some good solid work on themselves.  Those who are willing to put the work in up front will have so much less work to do when they are united with another in holy matrimony.  If he’s not ready to pursue you now then there’s a good chance it’s better he didn’t!

Take that as a sign and instead of waiting around obsessing over his next move, use your time to reflect on your personal journey.  What areas of your life need some focus?  Some healing?  Some work?  What goals should you be working toward?  Take some time to do some of this work in your own life.  Because healthy people will always make for healthy relationships.

5.  He doesn’t think the timing is right:  Sometimes timing can be a matter of perspective.  I remember the months of developing a friendship with my husband, wondering when would be the right time to take the next step and start dating.  Looking back, his idea of the right time, and my idea of the right time were totally different.

But in reflecting at my story I also know this: God’s timing for our relationship was so outrageously right.  There were so many things that could have gone wrong had the timing been anything other than what it was.  I think what it comes down to is that the only One who really knows what good timing means, is the inventor of time Himself.  Seek to connect with God, to know His heart, and ask Him to lead both you and your certain interest to just the right time in just the right way.  God is good and opening the doors for things that are right, and closing them hard for things that are not.

Above all else single ladies, more than trusting a man to do the right thing at the right time…trust God to lead and guide your life  and the life of your future spouse in exactly the way that He sees best.  After all, He is the Master Matchmaker.   He can surely be trusted.

Wait–There’s more! To unlock an additional 5 reasons he hasn’t asked you out, plus an in-depth discussion on all 10 reasons and my advice on what to do about those reasons, download the eBook 10 Reasons He Hasn’t Asked You Out: And What You Can Do About It!

3D Book cover copy cropped

Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, speaker, and author of True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life21 Days to Jump Start Your Love Life, and 21 Days to Pray For Your Love Life – where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. You may also recognize her voice from her 150+ articles at Relevant Magazine or Crosswalk.com! She’s also the creator of this True Love Dates Blog!  Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter!

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74 Comments on "5 Reasons He Hasn’t Asked You Out:"

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Fan
Guest

Great post! very uplifting! It’s great to be reminded of God’s role in our love lives (or prospective love lives)

T
Guest
But how can you know whether to wait for him to take the initiative a while longer or if you should move on. How long is too long. I have felt God leading me towards this guy, and it really seems like he likes me back, but nothing have been confirmed. And I do want to protect my heart, but I also do not want to move on, if it means that I am not waiting on God s perfect timing. So how can I discern how long is too long??? And thank you for all the great articles, I… Read more »
annette
Guest

love this article
really didn’t think about what men are thinking when it comes to making the first move

Gowsi
Guest

Wow! Actually I was looking for something else; bumped into this article, but heck I’m glad I did. Great article!

Kathreen
Guest

I could watch Scdhniler’s List and still be happy after reading this.

Sally Somebody
Guest

Hi Debra!
Not in the obsessing stage yet as we just re-met, however i am highly anxious for him to ask me out… But this post is just what I needed to ‘let go and let God’. Thank you for the reminder that things happen when and as they should always 🙂

Please keep posting!!!!!

Lindance
Guest

It’s so refreshing that this article tells some hard truths and doesn’t just give some quick funny gimmicks that don’t work. We can’t always solve or control everything in dating. We are all imperfect people who want to be happy and at different places in our life journey. It’s when we do find the one we marry that we discover the beauty and miracle of love for ourselves.

suelynn
Guest

What a fantastic post! Very insightful and so much truth there. You are so right about the prayer, and I will continue to do that until God carves the path for me. I hope loads of ladies are able to read this post. thank you.

D
Guest

This is one of the best articles i have ever read. It helped me get back spiritually and remember where my heart is at. Thank you:)

Dee
Guest
This article has really helped! I was moved to a new department in my company with no real reason, but I went along as I had no choice. A couple of months later and new guy started and moved right next to me. I noticed him looking at me and then he started (slowly) talking to me. I had a vibe that he was interested, but would never pursue anything he is very shy. We seemed to have gone back and forth for several months with no headway. My thought was this might be a sign from GOD that this… Read more »
ann
Guest
Thank you so much for this article. I’ve been praying to God every night for 9 months to introduce me to the man I love. I finally met him 2 weeks ago through a mutual friend. A few days later he asked our mutual friend for my number. I got down on my knees and thanked God through tears of joy. It’ll be 2 weeks on Sunday and he has not called and each day I feel my elation going away and I am filling up with worry and doubt. This article is a huge comfort and reminder that God… Read more »
Dana
Guest
I met a Man of God two years ago, through a his female cousin. It was at his cousin’s Dad funeral, then we went to their home. We were both told the other was single. He never said more then hello to me that day. Fast forward two years, I ran across his pic on Facebook. I asked his cousin to have him to call me. That was at the end of July. He called and we had a great conversation, we talked about an hour. I wait a couple of weeks, and I contacted him, and we talked a… Read more »
Jessica
Guest
Thank you for sharing this! This is something I struggle with as a female who has never been pursued. I go to a private Christian University and I am a senior going to graduate in May. There is this thing called “ring before spring” where couples get engaged right before they graduate college. However, as for me, I haven’t even had a boyfriend or anyone ever pursue me throughout my four years of college. I keep thinking to myself what am I doing wrong? Then all these doubts and negative thoughts come to my mind. I have always assumed that… Read more »
Becca
Guest

It’s like you read my mind… this was exactly what I needed to hear today. Especially number four. I began dating someone a couple months ago, but then he decided to step back to figure out some things on his own, which has left me in this frustrating waiting and praying stage. Thank you so much for the reminder to take the time to work out my own issues and pray for God’s perfect timing.

Joe
Guest
I understand this blog is mostly written to encourage and uplift single Christian women and I’m probably the only guy to chime in here, but there are other reasons why a guy isn’t pursuing. Isn’t it possible that it’s not just him being scared, nervous, timid, or mistaken? This article seems to suggest these are the only possible reasons guys aren’t pursuing – he just needs to get his act together or “man up”. While reason #2 is true (he’s not that into you), it is written in the tone of “he just doesn’t know what he’s missing, you deserve… Read more »
Beckie
Guest

Joe, I LOVE your comments here! Thanks for sharing truth!

Matt
Guest

Hey Deb, this was a really good read. I very recently wrote about this myself from a Christian guy’s perspective. Good on ya!

Irene
Guest

thank you,,,,,that is exactly what i needed to hear,,,,though im trying to let go and let God,,,,hope it works out with this guy if not now probably in the future because i really care about him,,,,,He loves God and i feel at peace with him…..But then again,,,God knows best! just praying and hoping

jenna
Guest

Wow!!! That was amazing, I still haven’t got my answer yet though! Oh well, its ok… Thanks anyway, I now understand a lil’ why he is not pushing forward* \#in love… Lol! Ok bye 😀

Rose
Guest

He said give 3 month before he give me a answer

sb
Guest

Very nice, it shocked me when you used God but it brought me back to reality 🙂

Deborah Winifred
Guest
This is beautiful! Hey my name’s Deborah too. Just the speling. Hehe. I love the way you talk it out. I’m a pious teenager myself and loove these kind of stuffs. Internet users need more of people like you. God bless! And tysm for everything that I’d been looking for. 🙂 I had decided months ago, that I’d open the doors of love since love is the only way to eternity. Then I found this guy in church staring at me for two years. I haven’t yet showed some gestures on my part. Now I’d love to say a ‘Hi’… Read more »
Deborah Winifred
Guest

cause I really don’t know what’s in store. :3

Grace
Guest

Thanks so much for this, I noticed a guy was looking at me and that was almost 3yrs ago in the church, since then he hasn’t stopped staring, and after sometimes I too started looking him, unknown to me I have started having feeling for him, it’s so frustrating because he has not once asked me out, I think I was the problem but I know better today, I don’t think he will ever ask me out, anyway I put everything in God’s hands. Thank you so much, God bless you!

Ivan
Guest
I’m glad that women are finally after decades of lies are starting to get a clue . From a hard working 6.2′ guy with nice dark hair ..ok …Ladies those days are gone . Feminists manage to screw up everything for you . ok . All those ‘women’s study classes ‘ all of the Rape hysteria . The ‘Slut Walk ‘ , ‘ Femen ‘ and on … and on ….the War on men never stops so ….are you surprised that that guys are pissed ? Are you surprised that so many men just gave up on women ? So… Read more »
Mary
Guest
Ivan, Thank you for your post. As a young highly educated single woman, I can certainly acknowledge that there are a variety of toxic ideas surrounding both men and women in our culture and in academia. However, I would invite you to consider that all of society’s problems are not, in fact, caused only by women. Both genders are to blame. In our own ways, both men and women have led to this demise by treating each other with less respect and human dignity. Society’s perceptions have changed from “what can I do to make you happy?” to “what can… Read more »
Taylor
Guest
This article was very interesting. I am probably the only Jewish male to comment on this page. I feel that it is both genders fault if they can make music together, not solely the male. Both should work together to overcome the hurtles of life. I myself am looking for my own answers. I am approaching the point of no return. I am entering the 5th hangout/date with a significant other. Asking her out to me is difficult because I feel she is much wiser than myself. I’m finishing up business graduate school & she is preaccepted into brown medical… Read more »
stacie hopkins
Guest

always be. honest to each other

T
Guest
T · July 23, 2014 Reply But how can you know whether to wait for him to take the initiative a while longer or if you should move on. How long is too long. I have felt God leading me towards this guy, and it really seems like he likes me back, but nothing have been confirmed. And I do want to protect my heart, but I also do not want to move on, if it means that I am not waiting on God s perfect timing. So how can I discern how long is too long??? And thank you… Read more »
HARRIET OWALLA
Guest

This is so informative. You are doing a great job Debra..Keep it up.

Nara
Guest
Thanks for the post! 😀 Very encouraging indeed~ Someone has been showing his interest in me over the last few years, but I’d been so stupid just ignoring him, even if I was interested in him I always felt so intimated and just used to ignore him.. But thank God, later He showed me that the reason behind it was hurt and fear that I received in the past. So He really healed me, and set me free from all those fears and torment. So, now I feel I want to get to know and be friends with him, but… Read more »
John
Guest
I don’t even know how I found this site. I was just googling a bit. You see my contract at my now former employer was not continued and there was this women I had a crush on for about more than a year. I just thought that dating a colleague would make things weird around the work place. So that could be one of the reasons too. I wanted to ask her out on the last day of work, because that was obviously not an issue anymore. But I don’t know, I just didn’t had the guts to ask her… Read more »
Jane
Guest

I loved this article. I met a man who I truly believe God has brought into my life. I wanted to rush things, and I had doubts if he was even interested. I begin to pray for him- just as you suggested. The communication has improved, somewhat. I am going to keep praying and let God do the rest.

johannah
Guest

Wow! Reading this post really opened my eyes. I never thought of it that way. Pray. I’m always praying for myself when it comes to him but I never thought of him, his struggles, his fears. My whole mind frame is different now.

Rhoda
Guest

I love this: “Above all else single ladies, more than trusting a man to do the right thing at the right time…trust God to lead and guide your life and the life of your future spouse in exactly the way that He sees best. After all, He is the Master Matchmaker. He can surely be trusted.”
Thank you once again for sharing. God bless you.

mercy
Guest

wow, dis is lovely, u have been a great blessing to me, thnks so much. More grace.

Abby
Guest

Thanks for sharing, I really needed to read this!!

LB
Guest

I really like this guy from my church and I think he likes me, but I don’t want to ruin our friendship. After reading your reminder about timing and praying, I started to remember instead of trying to figure it out myself, I need to pray and give it over to God. It was a relief to read a christian-based article that was sincere and godly.

sara
Guest

Thanks, Debra. This article is truly helpful. I’ve had an interest in a down to earth, godly guy in my small group for over a year. The thoughts of wondering if it’s mutual, believing it was, wondering if it still is… have gotten exhausting. The thoughts continuously preoccupy my mind and I’ve noticed it change the way I interact when he’s in close proximity. It’s something I work to surrender to the Lord, but I feel like any of your 5 points could apply, and I guess I wish it was easier than this. 😉

Sonali
Guest

Articles like this ruin everything. Why couldn’t I just ask him out?

Michelle
Guest
Debra, it’s been six months , we’ve spent hours talking. Two dates the second one intimate (I know I know), he says after our last date and about two weeks worth of further conversation, not up for a relationship. I said, OK thank you for the honesty, you’re amazing, good luck. For the last two month’s, he has texted, sent a friend request via Facebook (I declined)I am short and sweet with his random texts. Five minutes after a decline the friend request he texts AGAIN for the first time in over a month. I finally say, “I want you… Read more »
Sharon
Guest

Best post on the internet, It refreshing to know that there are people in this world who know GOD is the ultimate matchmaker. Love is more important than lust and finding the right partner needs prayers!!! Thank you!

W
Guest
There is another reason which I have never thought until it happened to me: he is pursuing another woman. I have a colleague who is much senior though I do not work for him. 6 months ago I learned from him that he lost his beloved wife 18 months ago. We then had some chat during the 1 month window when he asked my age and my status ( I am currently separated). I am a very social person and I talk to almost anybody and say hi to anybody. I am also very attractive especially during the summer season… Read more »
Bill
Guest
I was originally thinking facetiously but I’m not actually kidding when I say that many of the things listed above are likely to get you in trouble and/or a restraining order. Wooing? Any contact after the first may be considered harassment. Don’t even think about asking someone out at work or you may be sitting in sexual harassment training for days and have a red mark on your employment record. But number 1 is the most important. Studies have been done where women were told to show their interest to men, and only the level where women thought they were… Read more »
Kaylee
Guest

In October 2015 I got reconnected with an old school mate. He went to my school/I had a senior class with him in the beginning of the school year before he left. And ever since we got reconnected and became friends on Facebook,there’s been mutual interest,and not that I’m impatient (I don’t care about waiting although I’m kinda anxious) I’m starting to wonder why he hasn’t come to me about his feelings. All of his flirting,expressing,and everything is indirect.

louise
Guest
Wow this article was just what I needed to read too and at the right time! and quite true! I’ve been seeing a guy for a month now,(we met 3 months ago) and was unsure what he was thinking, feeling- it can be so hard and frustrating in the ‘unkown’, I think maybe us women over think, and analyse, whereas the guy maybe just isn’t aware of needing to ‘define’ the relationship. His friends keep teasing him and I, saying that he should get a move on! I told somebody about this- and the guy had a chat with him… Read more »
Kyle
Guest

A lot of this is so true! Fear plays a big role in while I don’t ask a girl out! I’ve been hurt too many times and don’t want to get hurt again! Also, it really is hard to tell if a girl is interested or not, especially for someone as socially awkward as I am!

Tsaky
Guest

Joooh!I am in the same situation, there’s a guy at church whom I like so much and I think he does like me but he’s shy,I did pray about it and sometimes I feel like I don’t care anymore(it’s been long) , I am giving up.but immediately I see him, the pain /feeling strike me again. What do I do guys?we go to the same church, I even thought of leaving to another church. Painful I am telling you…..

Michael H.
Guest

Drop a few hints on him. Do you talk to him frequently? If not, do so. Compliment / encourage him. Make or give him something related the things he likes. Or, if you really want to relay the message, and you are up for it, invite him to do something (something small). The point is if he is shy, either he will catch on once you step it up, or he will not (or he may not be into you).

jennifer
Guest

Tsaky Im in your SAME place! Nearly 3 yrs..hes worth it..but I just want to for get him and THAT thought chokes me up!

jennifer
Guest

I can see why people shield their hearts from venturing to care for someone..have hopes and prayers for a future with that someone.

Molly
Guest
There is a guy that I have rekindled a close bond with. He contacted to me through our same job careers that are common to do in our field and we started talking all the time on the phone. We met at 21 and have a brief romance, then just moved on in college. Now we are 37 and so we hadn’t seen each other in 16 years and I started to get scared to meet up because I remembered I had a strong connection during when we were 21 and my last relationship was really bad and hurtful as… Read more »
Eric
Guest
Can I clarify something? Just to be sure I understand. A woman, it’s the age of equality remember, basically wants to go out with a man, whilst wanting him to initiate the outing? Guys often have been told they’re useful as bicycles for fish, women want their own money, we are equal, & have been rejected many times the number their expressions of interests were well received. Ask him out or ask if he’s interested & available. This will be a direct communication he can respond to directly. Hints don’t work. Guys take hints as a equivalent to maybe. Maybe… Read more »
leonard
Guest
Big Eric – You have seen the comments by these women and you are trying to inject some logic! I would NEVER ask a woman out,either. Assuming that women ARE different and that they ARE going to have a different viewpoint, their measuring stick is also going to be different. The problem seems to be that they do NOT want to declare interest first ( as if it is a weakness,or a risk to be carried by men only ) and need some kind of early security that men are not entitled to. How would this EVER lead to a… Read more »
Sunny
Guest

and what happens when God doesn’t answer your prayer to find the “right” person? What happens when your desires aren’t fulfilled and your heart hasn’t changed and you are just stuck waiting and hoping and left whopping the tears away because your childless and single and that not what you want for your life? Where is God then? Why can’t we stop painting beautiful portrates of things that don’t always work out for everyone.

LH
Guest

What about Ruth and Boaz? Hmm?

e
Guest

You ruined the article with useless “god” smack

Johann
Guest
Hi, thanks Debra for this article. As a 35 year old bachelor, I would humbly give some Bible strong promises which we need to take by Faith (Hebrew 11:6). Take the Bible for what it is, God’s words. Trust God in everything and seek Him more than anything (Matthew 6:33). As our Father, He knows better what we need, especially for our marriage (Luke 11:12). Answer to His calling, take up our cross with our best and with faith (Matthew 16:24), put Him first in everything and God will express His Faithfulness (Malachi 3:10). It’s not easy but I believe… Read more »
Janet
Guest

Thanks Johann for your comment and thanks to you Deborah for the post.It’s awesome.keep posting please.

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