4 Ways to Look Available–Not Desperate

In Dating, Relationships, Single by Debra Fileta42 Comments

What can a single person do to make themselves “available” without looking desperate?

You’re approaching your mid-twenties, mid-thirties, and maybe even mid-forties as a single young adult.  It seems like everyone around you is getting ushered into the world of love and marriage, while you find yourself wondering if you will ever find the one.  You’re torn between trusting God to bring you the right one- and working it in the world of love and dating.   So, how exactly does a single young adult make themselves available without seeming too desperate?

The only way to avoid looking desperate is to stop believing that you are, because a person will appear as desperate as they feel The more fixated you are on finding love and obsessed about entering marriage, the more desperate you will appear, because eventually, the things that you think about most start seeping into every part of your life for the whole world to see.

Here are some ways to stop fixating on your fears and begin focusing on your future:

1.  Exchange your fear for trust:  When you are driven by fear, you live a desperate life. In an attempt to save your future from the fear of isolation, you can find yourself taking control of everything and everyone in your life.  Fear can drive you to make harmful choices.  It can push you to give your heart away too quickly and cause you to take risks you were never intended to take.  The first step to being gracefully available is in exchanging your fear for trust in God- trusting that He knows the way, and that His plan for your life is always what’s best.  Exchanging fear for trust will ultimately free you to live abundantly rather than desperately.

2.  Get involved in things you love:  The best way to meet a potential match is to get out there and do what you love.  Find activities and passions that resonate with your heart, because there, you will find people who connect with your heart.  The best relationships are made up of two people with similar passions and shared interests.  Invest in the kind of places that will draw you to these kinds of people, all the while quenching your heart with the things you love the most.

3.  Be open to making new friends:  Christian young adults can be terrified of male/female friendships.  Afraid of risking a broken heart, or looking inappropriate to the innocent passerby, it’s easy to avoid friendships that could very well be the foundation of finding a future mate.  Take off the pressure of getting married, and be open to making friends.  Whether or not these friendships lead to marriage, they can lead to encouragement, sharpening, and an all-around broadening of horizons.

4.  Don’t be shy about singleness:  It’s okay to spread the word about your singleness, in fact, I recommend it!  Don’t hide from the fact that you are not in a relationship, embrace it.  There will be a time and place to give your life to another, but until then, focus on giving your life to the world around you.  Singleness is a time of growth, maturity, and learning about yourself- things are easy to miss out on when you are focused on finding the one.  Don’t lose yourself in the pursuit of love, rather take the time to find yourself.

At the end of the day, love happens at the right time, because God’s watch is always spot-on.  God knows where you are at and is perfectly in tune with you need.  Following Him will only get you closer to that place.  Until then, trust Him, pursue your passions, make friends, embrace singleness- and enjoy the ride.

For all you know, love might just be right around the corner.

Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, speaker, and author of True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life21 Days to Jump Start Your Love Life, and 21 Days to Pray For Your Love Life – where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. You may also recognize her voice from her 150+ articles at Relevant Magazine or Crosswalk.com! She’s also the creator of this True Love Dates Blog!  Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter!

Are you ready to finally DO SOMETHING MEANINGFUL to change your relationship status? Find out how you can make huge changes in your love life in only 21 Days! Click below to find out more.

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      1. how to I change my way of being a womanizer or player,just that everytime I come across a group of people that’s what im labeled, or that I try to hard , any advice?

      2. Debra,

        You seem to be looking at singleness as a temporary thing and yet a person can be single for the rest of their life. I feel people should be advised to accept who they are instead of preparing themselves for a marriage or partnership that may or may not come.

        1. If you’re meant to stay single God gives you the peace to handle it. If you burn with passion trust God and you must work at being a good wife and finding a man. The bible says faith without works is dead God doesn’t just throw everything in your lap

  1. You wrote: “The first step to being gracefully available is in exchanging your fear for trust in God- trusting that He knows the way, and that His plan for your life is always what’s best. ”

    Amen! Trust in God is HUGE for a successful marriage. That’s why I wrote a couple posts on learning to trust God on our Future Marriage University blog.

    And, of course, I’ll definitely be sharing YOUR post with the FMU community. Great stuff! Glad I found you via Relevant.

    1. Author

      Thank you so much, MJ! I have appreciated your ministry and the work you are doing for young men and women. Feel free to share anything that would help. And thank you for sharing your links with us! Blessings!

    2. I am currently in College and was actually interested in starting a Christian group on the college online portal, any line of advice?

  2. Thanks so much for this,spoke right to my heart,got tears in my eyes,this is an apt word in season,God bless you

  3. Hey Debra,

    Thanks for the article. Now the question is more about how can young adults cope and handle their desires for relationships if they are the busy and always doing something type? Meaning that because of their roles in school clubs or professional groups, never really had a core group of friends? This is interesting to know. However, the article goes about well coaching and encouraging one to forgive themselves, seek God, give one’s heart to God, and workout one’s faith towards God.

    Glad to be part of your Endorsement team and seeing the seed that was planted growing!

    Here is a great song that you will enjoy and really to me adds to your articles about God and Love! The story behind the song has to do with Bethany Hamilton who is the young lady that lost her arm to a shark. Let me know your feedback on the song.

  4. Can you speak more to this? As a 28yr old single woman I have found many of my sisters appear to being doing just this, investing in passions, pursueing friendships, seeking God… At yet give each other the stink eye when a fellow sister talks to that handsome single guy at church. I love being single I’ve had a lot of fun, have grown a ton… But am missing out on friendships because I don’t enjoy the games girls play, the heart attitudes that are expressed when a sister who never talks to me at church comes up to me when I’m talking to that guy (I really just wanted him to pass on a sympothy card to his roommate ). I guess what I’m saying/asking is can we walk out as available and not desperate even in sublime feminine under currents? Can you or have you spoken to that? Because girls hurt girls. And there are just more of us in the Church today… So how do we live our fellow single sisters well, without fear, suspicion, jealously, competition, and claws?

    1. Author

      Courtney, I do think this is a topic that needs to be addressed, and one I’ve been siting on for some time trying to put into words. Thanks for sharing your side of things, and I will definitely be addressing this female-to-female problem in the near future. Appreciate your input!!

      1. I agree with Courtney on that aspect. I’ve seen it done many times and I look forward to hearing your input on the subject. I will keep you in prayer that God will give you the right words!

  5. Oh, how I love this…”Don’t lose yourself in the pursuit of love, rather take the time to find yourself. ”
    I so needed to hear this! Thank you.

  6. hi. my name is Stacie & this is my 1st time & I’m shy & scared but I believe that god will be there with me but I need a little help from a sister in god so if u could help me I would really appreciate it so much thank u your new friend stacie

  7. such a good article 😀 just when i needed, i found it. GOD BLESS!

  8. impressive!!!! infact and indeed by the last paragraph has changed my thinking, my mind set, encouraged me in positive way. Today in real sense am feeling better and embracing singleness.

    Thank you and thanks a ton


  9. Oh Debra, this was really what I needed to hear today, thank you. The first point about trusting God connected with me so much. I don’t know why I can trust God with my salvation and eternity but have such a hard time believing He cares and will take care of me in the future here on earth. Thank you for sharing and recognizing the struggles we go through as singles.

    1. Thanks for sharing, that is something I need to remember, as well. I trust God for eternity but not the short term? WOW!

  10. Love the ideas and the new program sounds interesting. I rec’d an email that I had won a free month with Christian Mingle but never got anything back with the code. Was just wondering. Regardless, I’m excited about getting my book.
    Thanks so much, Debra. You Rock!!

  11. OHH))all your articles are full of interesting and useful information!You’re great! Thanks!=)

  12. Hi! Great article! Thank you!
    In the second point you said to “get involved in the things you love”, what if you don’t have money to partake in like a CrossFit gym or a Mixed Martial Art or something? How else does one get involved doing other things they love? Like I don’t even know what else I would do…I mean it’s fun to be home with friends and play games, or it’s fun to go out to the bar or pub and hangout, but that requires spending money and consuming unhealthy stuff, same goes for going out dancing.

    1. Hello Hannah,
      I live in a small-populated area; and I’ve been forced to learn how to network. More and more churches are understanding of when their single members visit other churches just to meet people. It’s fun viewing other credible church’s websites and seeing when they have special events/conferences/singles gatherings… Attending Bible studies sponsored by other churches is common practice.

      Besides religious events, I’ve been supporting local pro-life Christians in/entering office for the past few years. Their events are another place to meet fine young men. Walking in parades is my favorite of these political events, though it’s the town meetings that provide more opportunity for discussion. You can sign up for e-mail updates from the local representatives that you support, and they will make you aware of local events. Some are pricey; but not all of them, as caring representatives will want to be accessible to all of their constituents.

      Also, local newspapers and radio websites (Christian and otherwise) often have community calendars and some of the events are free.

      Work/home/bars are not our only options for meeting men, ladies. (Granted, I’m still single; but at least I’m convinced I now know how to make like-minded friends wherever I live and maybe even move…)

  13. Thanks Debra! Great encouragement for me as a single guy in my late twenties.

  14. I wasn’t in my mid 20’s then. Now rereading, I don’t know if I should be sad that I am still single. The only thing that matters though is that I’ve learn a lot in between that period.

  15. Great points Debra! I’ve found that, in the past, whenever I tried to force meeting a Christian lady or ask for her number, it never went very well. On the other hand, when I didn’t force things, it flowed much more smoothly and there was a God-ordained peace in the situation. For women, I would respectfully say that I think that 6th sense you all seem to have, enable you to spot a desperate guy a mile away! Lol! 😁

  16. I love this but felt a little awkward that it was written from the perspective of a mid-twenties person when I’m in my mid-thirties…

    1. Author

      You’re right, Jen…I totally need to change that, most people reading are 20s, 30s, and 40s!!! 🙂 I for one….as the author, am definitely not in my mid-20s either, lol 🙂

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