3 Ways Women Need to Step Up Their Dating Game

In Uncategorized by Debra Fileta7 Comments


Ladies, ladies, ladies. My guess, is that you shared the heck out of our last post about how Men Need to Step Up Their Dating Game. And I’m glad, because they need to hear it. But the thing about it is, dating is a two-way street.

I think in the Christian culture, oftentimes as women we’re told that we don’t have much of a role in the world of dating and relationships, outside of “waiting”. I addressed this myth in a post called, Christian Women Need to Stop Waiting on Men.

But what are some things women can actually do to actually “step up” their dating game? How can they take an active approach to their love-life, even when there are seemingly no prospects around?

Take Responsibility: One of the top complaints I hear from women is how often they are “led on” by men. They’re sick and tired of one-way relationships that end up leading to nothing but the friend zone, or a broken heart along the way. But here’s the thing about it ladies: you can’t get led on unless you are following along. In the world of dating and relationships, you’ve got to take responsibility for protecting your heart, by learning to identify and walk away from relationships that are NOT reciprocal. Don’t continue giving and giving, when you’re getting nothing back in return. Set limits, boundaries, and teach people how they can and can’t treat you. Because the patterns you see in a dating relationship, you will also see in marriage.

Step Out of Your Comfort Zone: No matter what personality type you are, it’s important to step out of your comfort zone when it comes to meeting and interacting with people, especially those of the opposite sex. Guys are always telling me how hard it is to read women, and how it would be so much easier if women would drop a few hints to let a guy know if they’re interested. There’s something to be said of that.

Men are looking for your interest before they will approach you with theirs.

But I get it ladies, no one wants to come across as desperate. But I think there is a way to show you’re available without acting desperate. So check your body language, your social skills, and your conversation – and make sure you’re sending off signals that are just as open as your heart.

Become a Real Woman: If you’re anything like me, you’re feeling the suffocating weight of our cultural pressure to fit this unrealistic mold of the “perfect woman”. It’s like Proverbs 31 woman meets America’s Next Top Model. But seriously…who of us can achieve (much less maintain) that kind of a image?

At the end of the day, becoming a “real” woman has nothing to do with our curves, chemistry, or sex appeal – and everything to do with our character. As important as it is to be healthy and strong physically (and I agree that it is), it’s even more important for us as women to take initiative in becoming healthy and strong spiritually and emotionally…because our character is the ONLY things that will last in a life long marriage.

Like I always say, human beings are magnetic! As women, you will always attract a man who is on your level of spiritual/emotional health. Stepping up your dating game, means you take responsibility for your piece to the puzzle, by becoming as healthy and whole as you can while standing alone….and then watch the kind of people that eventually brings into your life.

Being a woman doesn’t mean you sit around twiddling your fingers until that guy asks you out. It means that you take responsibility, try new things, and take initiative to become the best version of yourself.

Then watch…and see what happens.

Are you ready to take action in your love-life? 21 Days to JumpStart Your Love Life Will Teach You How! Sign up today and get instant access to my Exclusive Facebook Group with singles from across the country who are taking responsibility for their life and relationships!

Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, speaker, and author of True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life21 Days to Jump Start Your Love Life, and 21 Days to Pray For Your Love Life – where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. You may also recognize her voice from her 150+ articles at Relevant Magazine or Crosswalk.com! She’s also the creator of this True Love Dates Blog!  Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter or book a session with her today!


  1. Amen to All of That! All of this is sooooo very true Debra. I agree. I’ve attracted men because I’m an outgoing person, and I’m friendly, and I have an aura of “Godly” love and light about me. I love all people with a “Godly” love, and I’m always willing to help out and be of service to people. I’ve always been more to my guy friends, and guys I know than just a “pretty face” and whatever else, I’ve been a great friend to them. I’m there when they need to talk, and vent. I’m there when they need help with a resume or getting a job, when they need advice. I’m also honest with them and tell them about themselves when they’re wrong. They respect me for my honesty. I’ve always prided myself on being a woman that my guy friend highly respect. How do I know this…they tell me. Even if I’m not the woman they want to be with, and or marry, they respect me as a great woman, and someone they can count on and who is there for them.
    Any ladies who are shy, and timid, just take deep breaths, smile and say hello. That’s really all it takes. Men are pretty simple. You don’t have to make a big sign or do cartwheels, or even dress overly sexy to get, and keep a mans interest. If you want to show your interested in a person, keep eye contact with them, lean in toward them when they speak to you, and ask them questions. People love talking about themselves. Nothing brings out a person, and engages them better than when you start asking them open ended questions.
    This was a great blog post Debra. Thanks.

  2. I am also looking for a man’s interest in me before I will ever approach him or drop hints of interest in him. It goes both ways!!! I am NEVER going to approach a man or hint any interest in him if he comes across as cold, distant, aloof, unfriendly and uninterested; no matter what he looks like, what he has, or how spiritual he is. Men can also drop a few hints of interest to let women know that they are interested in them. Why must women always be the ones to advertise themselves to men by “dropping a few hints of interest” (as being referred to in this article), as if they are kinds of products that can be bought at a market stall, and men are the potential customers that can just take their pick?! This idea is very sexist and misogynistic. Men can also put themselves out there and show some interest.

      1. If women are required to drop hints of interest in men, men can also drop hints of interest in women. Way better still, men can be more direct and ask women out directly. Why must it always be put on the woman to show interest, while men can be passive when it comes to dating? Why are women always expected to put themselves out there, while men don’t have to? How about a level playing field in the dating game? This idea that women always have to be the ones to show interest in men, while men can just wait and take their pick, I find to be sexist and misogynistic. Why can’t equal interest be shown across the sexes?

  3. How do you drop “hints” to a single pastor without being perceived in the wrong way?

  4. A couple of years ago, I met someone at work. I noticed him noticing me, he would find every opportunity to talk. This went on for months and I mean he went out of his way. I thought he was interested, I even had a co-worker/friend say “he really likes you”. Well, he NEVER asked me out and about a year later I noticed he wasn’t as friendly, so I figured he’d lost interest. I was right, he had been dating someone for about a couple of months and they moved in together and now have a child together. So now fast forward, I still have to see this person who by the way no longer speaks to me (neither do I) and I still ask myself….”what was that”? I will no longer show any interest…..period! I will guard my heart always. I’m happy he was blessed.

  5. “As women, you will always attract a man who is on your level of spiritual/emotional health. ” Um, so what does that mean if you don’t seem to attract anyone? Except the most inappropriate types? (By ‘inappropriate’ I mean non-Christian) That my level of spiritual and emotional health is seriously compromised? I had thought I was doing pretty well, especially considering the Christian culture I was raised in definitely views single women as second-class citizens, and that I was following, to the best of my ability, God’s plans in my life, but if you attract men from your same level? I need help.

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