Q: Why do men say they want to go out on a second date, but never follow through?
A: Boy meets girl.
Boy likes girl.
Boy and girl go out on a date….then things get weird.
We’ve all been there. We’ve all seen it happen to one of our friends. The question is why, and what can we do about it?
Before we dig in to this topic, let me introduce myself. First and foremost, I’m a guy…so I’d like to specifically address the men out there today. Second, I’m a husband (shout out to my incredible wife, the author and creator of this relationship blog!) I’d like to think I’ve at least sort of figured out this “dating game” stuff considering I’m now happily married with three children.
So guys, three things I think you can do that will not only enrich your dating lives, but also show women the respect they deserve.
TAKE INITIATIVE: I’m shocked when I hear the stories of how some men ask some women out. Sometimes it’s via “text”. Sometimes it’s implied or never even said at all. Sometimes, a guy just hovers around a girl hoping she’ll get the hint…and instead, she ends up just finding him creepy.
My challenge to the men out there is this: be intentional. If you want to spent time with a girl, she seems interesting, and you want to get to know her: tell her that. Tell her you would like to get to know her. It can be as simple as, “Hey, would you like to go out for coffee this weekend?” It always helps if you actually give a time-frame, rather than leaving it open ended. This way it’s harder for them to say no, but it also makes it a lot more clear when things are going to happen. When you ask, make sure it’s face to face, because nothing beats real-life interaction.
Asking someone out on a date isn’t a marriage commitment, so take some of the pressure off and view it as an opportunity to get to know someone a little bit better.
But out of respect for that person, be clear about it. This is a date because I want to get to know you. *Sidenote, I also want to say that I’m a firm believer that whoever does the asking should also do the paying. Guy or girl. My wife Deb has some articles out there about the women doing the asking, but that’s a topic for another day.
BE DIRECT: So you’ve just gone on your first date, and you took initiative, now it’s time to be direct. You don’t need to know that this is the person you’re going to marry after the first date – but you should know this: Is this someone I could see myself spending more time with, or is this someone that clearly has some red and yellow flags (see True Love Dates Chapter 5) that I should not be spending more time with. In EITHER case, the next best step is to BE DIRECT. If the first date when great and you’re ready for number two – ask them. I think it’s funny that people have all these formulas about how many days they should wait to call a girl after a first date, when really if you enjoyed your time, communicate that as soon as you are ready. That could even be the next day (I do think texting them on the drive home is a: unsafe, and b: a LITTLE too early….).
Now for the slice of awkward cake: if things did NOT go well….you should communicate that you are glad you got the chance to hang out but you think it would be better if we were friends. Be direct. While it will be awkward the next time you see that person (I don’t think there’s anyway around that), at least you were open and honest, so that both of you can move on.
I think where us men do a disservice to women, is when we leave them hanging.
We may have even enjoyed our time together, but if we don’t see a next step, we need to be clear because leaving it linger is when things get sticky and when emotions get hurt.
BE A MAN: I maybe should started with this point, but I’m going to end with it because it’s the most important one. Be a man. The key to your dating success and future marriage rests on you being a REAL MAN. A sign of a real man isn’t defined by the car you drive, how much money you make, how strong you are, or how well you hide your emotions. It’s exactly the opposite of that.
Real men love God. And because they love God, they respect women when they are with them and when they are not with them.
What I mean by that is this: you view that girl you are on a date with as God’s beloved child, and could even be SOMEONE ELSE’S WIFE someday, so you respect her by not pushing the physical boundaries.
You also respect women when you are NOT with them. You talk about women respectfully and not degradingly in your circle of friends. You honor them with your eyes. Job said it his way, “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully upon a woman.” You keep yourself in check by not looking at pornography and in turn, you change your view of women. It’s time for this generation of men to stand up and step up against the norms of society that objectify women and don’t value them as the beautiful daughters of God that they are.
You’ll be amazed at how rich your dating life (and in turn, your future marriage) will become by taking initiative, being direct, and becoming real men. It’s time for men to step up their dating game.
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Up next at TrueLoveDates.com: 3 Ways WOMEN Need to Step Up Their Dating Game
John has been married to Debra for a decade, and experiencing “true love” has been the greatest blessing of his life. His day job is in the medical world, but he loves working behind the scenes at TrueLoveDates.com, helping his wife spread the message that healthy people make healthy relationships. You can read more about their story in Debra’s book, True Love Dates: Your Indispensible Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life. Connect with them on Facebook or Twitter or book a session with her today!