3 Reasons God Won’t Control Who You Marry

In Advice and Encouragement, Dating, Marriage by Debra Fileta13 Comments

I wanted to find the woman God had for me. In all my teenage thoughts of romance and marriage, nothing seemed better. Spending a lifetime pursuing God with the woman He wanted me to be with for life? Nothing seemed better. I firmly believed that the best romance and marriage is the one that God builds, not me.

You’ve probably heard Christians talk about how you should “wait for the spouse God has for you” or “seek God’s will” in your love life. The idea of letting God choose who you marry and guide you to that person is popular among Christians.

This is often because (1) Christians want to obey God’s will in their lives or (2) believe that God knows the best possible match for them.

However, 1 Corinthians 7 paints a different picture. Instead of teaching us to expect God to control our love lives, the chapter reveals that God gives us freedom to choose if we marry and, thus, whom we marry. It might seem odd to us that God would want us to make such big decisions rather than yield them to Him. Understanding why God gives us the choice becomes easier when we look through the lens of the following three reasons:

#1 – Love Must Be Free

When I say “free,” I don’t mean “without cost.” I mean “not enslaved.” Love, by its nature, must be free or it’s not love. Maybe you’ve heard the saying that you shouldn’t take a robot to the prom because she doesn’t really love you. It means that anyone who’s forced to love you doesn’t really love you. You can’t really know if a person loves you unless he or she has the option not to.

If it were God’s will for us to marry a particular person, refusing would be disobedience. We would have to marry that person in order to obey God. We would be accepting the person because we were required to, because we had no other option. That would eliminate the opportunity to love freely and genuinely. But God wants us to love freely and genuinely. That’s why God gives us freedom to choose if we marry and whom we marry. That freedom gives us space in which to love.

#2 – Love Is Better Than Matching

Finding the right match is a popular idea in modern America. Many people think a successful marriage is made by finding the right match and that a failing marriage means the match was bad. But this is a backward way of thinking. Even the best of matches will experience conflict eventually, and even the best of matches can be ruined if conflict isn’t handled well.

A successful marriage isn’t made by how well two people are matched. It’s made by how well two people love one another! (Tweet it!)

Even we Christians fall into the trap of thinking too much of matching. Even worse, we bring God into it. Some Christians want God to pick their spouse because they think He, with His infinite knowledge, knows who the absolute best match is. It’s as though we want God to be our supernatural matching algorithm.

But God wants us to love rather than put our stock in matching. Matching is certainly important, but a more poorly matched couple that loves will do better than a well-matched couple that doesn’t love. God wants us to choose to love the person we commit to in marriage rather than worry about how well we’re matched. Regardless of how good a match we marry, God is present, teaching encouraging us to love selflessly.

#3 – To Love Is To Be Like God

God didn’t have to choose us. He didn’t have to love us. He was free to reject us. He loved us anyway, because God is love. When God invites us to love others, He’s inviting us to live that highest virtue that is essential to His nature. He’s inviting us to become more like Him, loving our spouse with the same constant selflessness with which He loves us.

When we imagine marrying someone God has picked for us, we often imagine a divinely blissful marriage marked by much joy and little trouble. While that seems appealing, it’s really not what God wants us to live out. He calls us to live out the limitless love that is constant even when everything is falling apart. It’s the love that says, “I love you. I’ve chosen you. I’m never leaving you, come hell or high water.” God is calling us to love our spouse the way He loves us.

Love’s Adventure

Often, we want God to choose our spouse for us because that seems safer or easier than choosing to love someone without knowing how difficult or painful that will be. But God hasn’t called us choose what’s safe or easy. He’s called us to love Him and love others. One big way that happens is in freely choosing to commit to someone in marriage. This doesn’t mean God abandons us to make our own choice without any help from Him. Like any good father, God will always give us guidance and counsel in making a wise choice of a spouse. But God doesn’t want to control our love lives. Instead, He wants to invite us to take love’s adventure in committing to love someone for a lifetime. In doing so, we take the same adventure of love that He took when He chose to commit to loving us.

Justin Megna is a blogger and speaker on the subject of Christian romance and the creator of thatcrazychristianromance.com. He graduated from University of Valley Forge with a degree in Pastoral Ministry. He currently lives outside Philadelphia as he continues to take the adventures of life and love.

Welcome to TrueLoveDates.com! I’m Debra Fileta, Professional Counselor & Author of the book True Love Dates, and I created this blog as a space to pair psychology and Christian spirituality to address all things love, dating, and relationships.

This month, I’ve invited some of my faithful TrueLoveDates readers to share their heart with the rest of our blog community for my #GuestPostSeries!! There are some AMAZING singles out there, people!!! I’m choosing 10 guest posts to share with you over the summer. I’m so excited to hear their stories and share their messages with you as well! Enjoy!! And be sure to leave them some love in the comment section below.  — Love, Debra

Additional Resources

SINGLES: God call us us to live by faith – not fear, even when it comes to our love lives!! This 21 Day Program will teach you how to move forward in faith and make good choices in the process of moving into a dating relationship. Learn more by clicking the photo below!

photo (1)

Comments

  1. That’s fine for people who find dating easy. But for those who find it incredibly difficult, we need God’s help in finding a partner.

    I go back to my original theory. There are certain people God writes off as damaged goods, incapable of a relationship.

    How I’m supposed to love a God like that, I have no idea.

    1. I just wanted to send some encouragement your way. I understand what you’re saying and sometimes I feel extremely bitter and sad about dating. Some people, in their current state, should not be in romantic relationships and yet there they are, confusing everyone. But I don’t think God writes anyone off. We as people can turn away from him and often do. If you think about it, it’s when we act without regard for his word that we cause the most damage in our relationships.

      But his presence is always with us if we take the opportunity to tune into him. We must use discernment and grow in wisdom in order to discover potential partners.

      Dating isn’t easy for anyone. There’s so much to navigate. People do things for their own reasons, and there is room for a lot of disappointment. Very few people know how to love – but that’s a people problem, one that God, through those who love him, is fixing. It’s easy to be angry at God because we sometimes feel like he owes us something but I would encourage you to reflect on whether or not you’re ready to sustain a good relationship. Being the right person for a relationship goes a long way. And I would encourage you to remember that your current circumstances are not only the result of your decisions but a launching point for your future. Please be encouraged and do not give up on God.

  2. I must say I do agree with this article….I do not believe God chooses who we marry. I do not believe in divine connections. God has given each of HIS children wisdom (if we ask Him) as well as discernment to chose for ourselves who we marry. I think society has become more cynical regarding marriage so it has become harder and harder for those who still want the ‘traditional’ life style. Unfortunately, we sometime do have to put our dreams of marriage on the alter and trust God that if that is not part of our destiny, He will give the grace we need to let it go and still be happy. One thing to remember no matter where we are in life, we still need to praise God whether in the valley or on the mountain always give thanks! Happy 4th!

  3. Recently, a guy rejected me because according to him, God told him that he didn’t want us to date. I am still so angry that he used God as an excuse to avoid dating me.

    I hope that people read this article and realize the autonomy that they have in choosing a partner. Thank you for writing this.

  4. If God gives us that freedom of choosing a life partner,is that subjective of marrying someone who’s not born again?

    1. The Bible clearly tells you not to be unequally yoked so no, you should not marry an unbeliever. The Bible is our guide to making wise decisions for all areas of our life, including dating and marriage. What it doesn’t say is God has a perfect person for you picked out….that is not biblical. He can lead you somewhere that you could potentially meet someone, but if you or the other person are not in the mindset to receive, it will not happen and God will not interfere with someone’s free will. He did not create man/woman to be robots, He wants us to love Him freely not be force to do so. Meeting that “someone” seems to be very difficult in today’s society. I know there are a lot of lonely and hurting people who look around and see others who don’t even give God a thought being blessed while others cry out to God every day. I think sometimes instead of asking God to be blessed with a spouse, we should ask Him for the grace to be happy right now in your/our singleness. God wants us to praise Him and be happy even if we never receive our hearts desire…..read Hebrews 11. If anyone likes TD Jakes, he has a great sermon about the 10 things singles should do.

  5. I totally agree that God doesn’t set out a particular partner for one to marry. It’s a matter of one’s choice. He gave us the wisdom to always choose wisely.

  6. I think that because God is omniscient, he knows who we will marry and knows the right person for us. But that’s a different concept than saying God chooses who we will marry. It’s the same way how when I rewatch a movie I know what will happen, but I did not make any decisions about what will happen. Since God knows the future, He knows who we will wind up with.

    Because God knows what’s best, we should definitely pray for wisdom and guidance in finding the right spouse, being fully aware that He gives us the freedom to choose who that spouse will ultimately be.

  7. If God gives us the freedom to choose and our marriage fails and ultimately ends in divorce then we are sinning. I do believe we have the freedom to choose, but could we chose the wrong person?

    1. Author

      Jason, I personally think a lot of people choose unwisely, and end up with failed relationships….so yes, I do believe we are held responsible for making good choices in marriage just like in every area of life. That’s part of the reason why my entire book and ministry exist- to help people choose healthy relationships and ultimately make a wise marital choice! I think it’s not only possible, it’s also probable especially with God’s help and guidance.

Leave a Comment