13 Signs That He’s Just Not That Into You

In Dating, For the Ladies, Relationships by Debra Fileta57 Comments

There’s something really discouraging about being in a one-way relationship.  A relationship in which you are doing all the work, and putting in most of the effort.  A relationship in which you find yourself on an emotional roller-coaster, one day confused, one day elated, but always lacking in direction.

The interesting thing about these kind of relationships, is that it’s so easy to recognize them in the lives of others…

But in our own lives, we can’t seem to see them for ourselves.    

I meet young men and women who are living a “desperate” life by the way they choose to act and interact with the opposite sex.  Wanting so badly to find love,  they’ll do anything to make it happen.  Finding excuse after excuse; continuing to go back to a relationship- or even the hope of a relationship-  that does not reflect love in any way shape or form.

One-sided, non -reciprocated, hard-to-get relationships.  Maybe, he’s just not that into you.  

As hard as that may be to swallow, it’s also a message of hope.  Because true, life-long, healthy relationships are made up of two people who are just as into one another.  We are so desperate for the chase, that we don’t realize that true love has nothing to do with  “getting” someone to like you, and everything with them “choosing” to love you.  You are so worth that!  It’s important to realize that if you find yourself in a relationship with someone who is unable to give and receive in such a way- maybe the problem is more about them than it is about you.  Maybe it’s time to walk away.  I look back at my relationship history, and thank God for the guys that were “just not that into me”, because those are the very things that God used to lead me in the right direction, and ultimately to the right man. Though it hurt like crazy at the time, I couldn’t be more thankful that He did, and my life is all the better for it.

If you find yourself stuck in this kind of negative pattern with someone, it’s time to take inventory of the kind of people you’re allowing into your life.  The bottom line is that if you recognize one or more of  these kind of interactions, is to consider the reality that maybe he’s just not that into you.

1.  Getting stood up, pushed to the back-burner, or ignored is not an exception, it’s the norm.

2.  He doesn’t put effort into initiating interactions or conversations.

3.  His words speak louder than his actions, and his actions don’t speak much.

4.  You are the one who is always texting first, calling first, communicating first.

5.  He treats other girls like he treats you.

6.  He talks to you about other girls…or worse yet, checks out other girls.

7.  He keeps making excuses for why he can’t be there.

8.  You’re constantly feeling disappointed, discouraged, or let down.

9.  You’ve been spending a significant amount of your time trying to interpret the mixed signals wondering if he “loves me” or “loves me not”.

10.  He tells you he’s not ready for a relationship, but then wants to be physical.

11. He has no boundaries with the opposite sex.

12.  You find yourself making excuses for him time and time again.

13.  You feel like you’re giving more than you’re getting.

Like any healthy interaction, dating relationships, should also be reciprocal.  Two people involved. Two people invested.  Two people pursuing and being pursued.  Two people committing, caring, and communicating.  Two people who are putting in the same amount, and receiving even more…

Why do we allow ourselves to settle for less?   It’s time to trust God for more. We deserve to be loved just as we are giving love, and in romantic relationships, this is how God intended it to be.  Two people, building, edifying, encouraging, and investing in one another.

Wait for that, because anything less is not worthy of the wait.  Nor will it ever be.

Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, speaker, and author of True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life21 Days to Jump Start Your Love Life, and 21 Days to Pray For Your Love Life – where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. You may also recognize her voice from her 150+ articles at Relevant Magazine or Crosswalk.com! She’s also the creator of this True Love Dates Blog!  Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter!

Additional Resources:

Wondering how to snag a healthy relationship?  Pick up a copy of my book, True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life, and start reading today!  

Looking to understand why he hasn’t asked you out? Check out my in-depth look from a Counselor’s perspective  of the 10 Reasons He Hasn’t Asked You Out: And What You Can Do About It!

Leave a Reply

57 Comments on "13 Signs That He’s Just Not That Into You"

Notify of
avatar
Sort by:   newest | oldest | most voted
Nate
Guest
Wow. This list feels more like “13 Signs that he’s not that into and is probably a scumbag.” I’ve sometimes found myself in situations where I had to slowly and subtly drop hints that I wasn’t interested in a girl when it was becoming clear to me she was very interested in me. I’d probably categorize some items in this list as “scumbag sign” and “not-into-you” sign. 1 – Scumbag 2 – Not into you 3 – Not into you 4 – Not into you 5 – Possibly scumbag (depends on how flirty he is with other girls; if he’s… Read more »
Fatima
Guest

Please explain #4 🙂

Abiola
Guest

Thanks for clarity @ Nate. Thanks for this whole eye opening discourse, Debra.

Tom A
Guest
I will say that some of the things put into the scumbag category aren’t necessarily scumbag actions. For example: 1) If I ignore a girl, it’s a pretty good sign I’m not into her. Or if I get invited to events and don’t go, or prefer other events over hers, I’m not into her. Sometimes that the safest thing for me to do. 6) If I’m talking to a girl about another girl, I see that as a generally safe way to drop a not-so-subtle hint that I’m not into them. The girl might not like that due to the… Read more »
Norah from Europe
Guest
Whoah Debra… Thank you SO much for this list, it’s absolutely pure gold! I just got over a guy and as I kept reading through this list, I kept nodding: yup, he did that. Yup, he was like that. Yup, that’s how he made me feel. That’s some scary stuff to notice, but I’m happy I walked away before more damage was done. Geez. It never seizes to amaze me how much crap we keep taking from men just because they are believers… So this was a nice wake up call, to see all the bad signs in black and… Read more »
Elle
Guest
Good list! Some of them do fall into “scumbag” territory, like Nate said, but I’ve known a lot men who are known as nice guys, maybe even godly guys, who have done those very things. My previous boyfriend fit a lot of those – but I kept hanging around because he insisted that I was reading him wrong or misunderstanding. Which led to a whole lot of 8 & 9. It didn’t help that some of my friends told me that I just needed to accept that we always want our men more than they want us! I didn’t realize… Read more »
Walker Dillard
Guest

This is very encouraging because I don’t do these things! I am not one to brag but in my life other people are always redefining what a healthy relationship looks like. Most times they are very unhealthy. This post reminds me that I really am being the healthy and caring boyfriend I want to be. Still there are a few that I don’t hit 100%, so there is room to be better! Thanks Deb!

Steph
Guest

Thanks so much for the article. Unfortunately, the guy I’m head over heels with have ticked most of what you wrote. I just kept making up excuses for him. As sad and heart broken I am about it, I need to move on. & thanks Nate for agreeing that this isn’t how girls are meant to be treated. Xx

Jenn
Guest

Why can’t people just come our and say, ” you know what? I’m just not into you.” I would be more appreciate if someone were straightforward with me. Sure it would hurt like hell at first, but I would respect them even more for telling me.

sf
Guest
Ha! Jenn, I’ve said the same thing to myself many many times as I am a really blunt straightforward person. After a certain amount of time and I noticed that I’m not feeling it, I am very honest in a really nice way and tell men that I do not feel the same way and just not on the same page. I wish they would do the same for me. But you know what, never easy. They don’t wanna have to go through all that awkwardness and having to explain. Disappearing and letting it die slowly seems to be the… Read more »
Helena
Guest
Yess definatelyy they shud just tell the truth if they r not dat into u.. I’ve never kept any guy hanging to this day… I always clearly told themm ur just not my type or to smtimes save the hury i have a boyfrenn but earrlly in 1st or 2nd date neverr everr extendedd but this guyy after being with me for 1.5 yearss n 100+dates cannot committ! Says he loves me n cannot let me go.. But also says its ur call u can dump me but i wont… Says wants to be with me but doesnt tell his… Read more »
Helena
Guest
Yess definatelyy they shud just tell the truth if they r not dat into u.. I’ve never kept any guy hanging to this day… I always clearly told themm that they were just not my type or smtimes to save the hurt sayy that ‘i have a boyfrenn’ but earrlly in 1st or 2nd date neverr everr extendedd but this guyy after being with me for 1.5 yearss n 100+dates cannot committ! Says he loves me n cannot let me go.. But also says its ur call u can dump me but i wont… Says wants to be with me… Read more »
Jenn
Guest

*apprieciatve

A-Rob
Guest

You know it’s not just men that break hearts anymore. Women have hurt people emotionally too.

Juliet
Guest
Good point A-Rob. I guess you don’t hear men complain about it as much, but yes there are women out there who really don’t treat men right, and ruin a good thing. Sometimes it’s unintentional. I broke the heart of a guy I once loved, a long time ago, but not because I treated him badly but because we were too young, moving way too fast and I heard God’s voice very clearly telling me we needed to part ways, and I listened. But it hurt him (and me) in the process and I’m almost certain he spent a long… Read more »
JJ490
Guest

If he doesn’t chase he isn’t interested, times have NOT changed, men still love the chase and if he keeps texting or phoning after a week of meeting you and has not asked you out, he is stringing you along. If a man wants you, he will ask you out very quickly……end of story, if he goes MIA one week back another he is a waste of space and sleeping around, very simple!!

Abiola
Guest

@JJ490 – perfectly put. Tnx much

Dee
Guest

Hi Deb, I really like this website and I fell upon the 13 signs that he is just not into you. I have a question what if its like 4 out of that 13 is what i’m experiencing, and its a fresh start I would’nt even consider ourselves dating. we went out twice one time just the two of us and the other as a group. I don’t know do you think he’s not interested? What i’m experiencing is numbers 13,2,4, and 9.

NYB
Guest

God bless you Deb. These signs are so true but its not the men who do these things the women do same but I bet theirs is much difficult to tell.It will probably take twice as much time as it takes the women for a guy to tell if a lady is just not into him…I think the next sequel of this post should be…20 signs she is just not into you.

Becca
Guest
After my last “he’s not that into you” relationship, I made a list of the things I tell myself when I’m in this kind of relationship, so that I can recognize the warning signs later. “He’s got a lot going on right now, and just needs some more time to figure things out.” “He’s an introvert, and I can’t expect him to initiate all the time.” “Things will get better later, and I’ll be glad I stuck around.” “I should give him some grace, because I’m not perfect either.” “I’ll push him away if I’m too demanding.” Etcetera. It’s amazing… Read more »
Tiffany
Guest
So I was looking for exactly what this page is speaking about. I did the single route for a couple years, finally gave the relationship route a try again this last winter, ended up really liking a guy and became official. Shortly after I began noticing all of those things. I asked him if he was happy with me and he later turned used it against me. While I was seeing him and wondering if I did something wrong I began speaking to my neighbor, who had once asked me out on a date. We began taking walks after work… Read more »
Jessica
Guest
Loved this blog so much, had to comment… I’m in my late thirties, and I’ve definitely experienced my share of “he’s not into you” relationships since divorcing over five years ago and joining the dating realm. In time I was able to learn and walk away from all of them, including an ex husband who constantly wanted to try again but all talk and no effort! I also understand the mental gymnastics all too well! I’ve discovered that sometimes you can be treated so badly and indifferently by a man that once you’ve had the worst you’ll know the difference… Read more »
trish
Guest

thanks

Xihla
Guest

Great article . . . every woman should read this article so that we are all able to see a potential waste of time and a possible heartbreak.

I am loving the topics that you are covering on love and relationships! Thanx for sharing this!

Jane
Guest
I have been “friends” with a guy at church from over four years. When we first met, I told a mutual friend that I thought he was awesome and I’d like to get to know him better. Well, she told him and he told her I think she’s awesome and cool, but I don’t know her well enough yet. Well, it’s been over four years with much time spent together alone and with friends and still nothing! He makes a great friend, but I’m still interested in him. He has even called me his best friend AND he even told… Read more »
Jane
Guest

Thanks Deb for this article! It was eye opening for me! I been having trouble letting go, but I’m pretty sure this has seriously helped. The others are right. Every girl needs to read this and take it to heart. Sometimes the truth hurts, but it only sting for a little while. The pain that you get from holding on to someone who is not willing to hold on to you will last for a long time.

Amanda
Guest

I am dealing with 4. 5. and 8. (one time) and 9. the thing is he’s shy. (Maybe less shy then I first thought). My friend did say he asked her out. I didn’t ask how long it took him to ask her out. I also know he is dealing with kind of a lot. moving from his parents and getting a job. I also think he might have a mild learning disability. I am now beginning thinking it might just be the nice guy syndrome. thanks for reading.

rubi reyes
Guest
hello Debra…..I wanted to ask a question, & hope you can please answer me. Well I fall in about many of those categories, & I be telling my self many times (I should leave him). But I just can’t & I don’t know why I can’t just walk away. We also have 3 kids together, a 2 month old baby girl, a one year old boy, & another gir a 2 year old toddler. Yet he treats me like that, and ask the does thru my hear is (¿is he cheating on me?). I just don’t know what to do… Read more »
Kindall Nelson
Guest
I talked about ways to know you are not being respected in new relationships to a group of single moms a few weeks ago. My favorite one, after asking 4 other questions, was “When I went through those last four points, were you thinking about his but?” As in, “He doesn’t take me out in public BUT he is more of a homebody.” or “He doesn’t have time for me very often BUT his job keeps him really busy.” or “He is pushing me for sex BUT he wasn’t raised the way I was.” We often know when something is… Read more »
Joyce
Guest

Hello there, I have been reading through this pages. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge such as this. I am richly blessed and also thank you!

trish
Guest
I had been so desperate for love I never let myself be pursued by threw myself at men who willingly would take what I had to offer. even my innocence and virginity but really didnt love me. they actively pursued other women bc after all I was easy and therefore not as valuable. and lets face it I wasnt the best so I was passed over because I didnt have a popular desirable look. but ive since learned it doesnt matter a man who loves me will not have to have the most beautiful women or what society says is… Read more »
Stephy
Guest
This is me right now. It’s almost like he’s trying to get me to dump him because he’s to gutless to do it himself. If even says he doesn’t want to lose me….but his actions are the complete opposite. I feel like an idiot. 🙁 How do I break up with him in a self respecting way? What do I say? Do I do it in person, or text? It’s funny, because I am an extremely confident person with my work and friends etc… but this guy has just made me give chance after chance like I’m an idiot. The… Read more »
Jeannie
Guest
Stephy… this was me. Tell him in person. Don’t feel badly about it; you deserve more. You deserve it all, and he’s just holding on because you are there right now. Let someone else fill that void for him. The only way to find the right person is to be available. Isn’t that more incentive to break up? I’m working the same thing myself, but I find keeping busy, engaging my girlfriends on the weekends an reading, doing Pinterest (many bible quotes to remind me I’m worth more) and getting out and about keep my mind on the right direction.… Read more »
Krystel
Guest

Same here 🙁 help

Jeannie
Guest
I keep re-reading this list to remind myself that a recent breakup is the best option; that the man I thought I valued and literally adored really wasn’t into me. And each time my mind wanders to the times I felt so good with him, I can find at least 2 items that keep me going in the right direction … away. It would be easy to fall back into a physical relationship with this man, but I very much prefer to find a Catholic participant who treats me as he wants to be treated and that I can have… Read more »
Erika
Guest
I was in a controlling relationship for 5yrs before I got the strength to leave, I was blind to the fact that he wanted to control me and I realized that I shouldn’t be afraid of my partner. He had many issues which I overlooked because I had loved him, but it got to the point where he would humiliate me in front of family & friends. I am glad I left, the situation had me feeling anxious and depressed most of the time and I still am taking time to heal. I tried to get back into dating, most… Read more »
Amber
Guest

So I’m 23. Married no kids. Have only been married since July and almost all of these fit with how it’s been at my home. I get more Xbox achievements than I do conversations and I don’t even play Xbox. But I’m glad someone finally put it in perspective for me. Thank you, I know I wasn’t crazy. Well he is gonna have some explaining to do about this foreign sock and hair bow I found. Anyways good luck my fellow oh no he just didn’ters . Give ’em hell!

hashly
Guest

while I was looking through this I noticed that my crush does all of those things to me and made me sad so this helped and put me down but we are great friends and we still do talk a lot but there are many fish in the sea dought any for me cause im not that pretty but I will get over it………………….
eventualy:(

Vicki
Guest
The list sounds like a guy with an avoidant attachment style. It would be nice to know how to detect an avoidant attachment style in a guy before actually getting involved on any level. Are there patterns of behavior on social media that would tip you off if a man has an avoidant attachment style? I dated someone 6 years ago who checks the boxes on most of the items you listed above. In retrospect, I can now see that he had an avoidant (and probably also anxious) attachment style. Have you read the book “Attached” by Amir Levine and… Read more »
EMILIA NGANGBAM
Guest

THANKS FOR UR KIND HELP…

Nathalie Roy
Guest
Hi Debra! I have to say that none of the above 13…. I experienced but read below and let me know… He texted me: “I am sorry to spring this on you at once, and I know it sounds like the proverbial “it’s not you, it’s me” thing. That’s not it really. It’s just a sensation that has been growing in me, and as you seek to draw closer to me, my sense is to move the other way. This is now the second time that has happened with me so I do feel like God is telling me, “not… Read more »
trackback

[…] Maybe it’s that guy, who doesn’t seem to be as interested in you as you are in him. […]

TJ
Guest
I’ve always seen it better to just tell a girl whether or not you are interested. That way neither of us spend too much time wondering about it. I am typically very akward about it (lol) but at least its out there right? Guys, don’t date a girl if you are not interested. Don’t commit theft by stealing her heart and affections away from the life she’s trying to build to fasten them upon you. God will judge that in the light of His holiness, do you want him to see that? She’s got dreams and goals like you. Why… Read more »
nele
Guest
Thank you so much ,for the article… am in a relationship with a guy who is too busy to be with me or spend time with me, i know he works and still studies , but there are times we are just good to each other all lovey dovey and all things expected to be in a relationship ,are there.. then boom out of nowhere he says he is really busy and i just feel clingy or sometimes its like am obsessed because am the one calling all the time and am always begging for his time,am the one who… Read more »
Nabreeba forschen
Guest

How do u get ur boyfriend to stop being so flirtashises to other girls when we have been together for 12 months I’ve never cheated on him but he first with women all the time and then lies to me when I ask who they are and I love him so much I’ve even lost two kids with him and still try to stay strong to be with him what should I do please help.

Nusaiba
Guest

I guess you should first confront him with the matter. Ask him where you have wrong him. And make sure you amend what you did. I hope it works

Nusaiba
Guest

Hi Nabreeba,i think you wronged him somewhere. Read my first comment .

Nusaiba
Guest

Hmmm! I and my neighbour are madly in love. And there is a cousin of mine whom i have been dating for a very long time. Is time for me tm choose who i will marry. I just don’t know what to do.

wpDiscuz