10 Things Single Girls Want Single Guys to Know

In Dating, For the Guys, Relationships, Single by Debra Fileta78 Comments

Earlier this week on Facebook, I asked Single Guys and Single Girls to tell me what they wanted the opposite sex to know.

Part 1 of this 2-part series (10 Things Single Guys Want Single Girls to Know), has caused some awesome (and hilarious) dialogue among the genders (go check out the comment section)!

So in light of that, let’s take a look at the flip side – the complex and beautiful minds of women. Here are some of the top 10 things single girls want single guys to know: 

  1. Be confident! Not arrogant, but confident. We find it really attractive.
  2. Don’t bother talking to me if you’re talking to someone else, too. One at a time, bachelor, one at a time…
  3. Chivalry is still lovely, but it isn’t enough to win a girl.
  4. Be brave! If you’re interested, say something!!!!! We want to know.
  5. Sometimes, we just want to be friends. Don’t take it too personally, because we’d rather protect your heart than lead you on.
  6. You don’t have to be a supermodel, but remember, hygiene REALLY matters. So, take care of yourself.
  7. We’re just going to say it: A genuine love for the Jesus is a total turn-on…
  8. We’re not perfect, so please make sure you have realistic expectations as to what a REAL woman really looks like.
  9. If you’re not interested, please be honest. Don’t string us along because the damage that comes from a broken heart takes a while to heal. Actions speak louder than words.
  10. Your heart is the most meaningful part of who you are. Make sure you’re working on yours before you try to win mine.

Comment below: Single guys, what did you think of their advice? Single ladies, what are some other things you want single guys to know? 

It’s time to do dating the right way. Guy or girl….your love-life needs this book.

Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, national speaker, and author of True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life21 Days to Jump Start Your Love Life, and 21 Days to Pray For Your Love Life – where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. You may also recognize her voice from her 150+ articles at Relevant Magazine or Crosswalk.com! She’s also the creator of this True Love Dates Blog!  Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter or book a session with her today!

Comments

  1. Baha! #6: “Brush your teeth….. wash your undercarriage.” (Duly noted.)

  2. Wow!! Wouldn’t it be too early to tell you we’re interested even before you start liking us?

    1. Not really. You don’t have to be super weird about it (e.g., “I’m really interested in pursuing you,” or, “I think we could have a future together.”). Being honest about your interest just means asking us out for coffee and sending clear signals instead of going the mixed-message-filled “friendship” route where you want to “hang out” all the time and aren’t honest about your intent.

        1. Being “clear” just means being consistent, not confusing. That means not showing a lot of interest, then talking about or flirting with other girls; not ignoring her at some social events, then paying her tons of attention at others; not going days or weeks without talking to her. The main idea is to leave the girl without any doubt that you like her.

          1. Hey thanks a lot! That includes messaging regularly? As we don’t see each other that often. It’s just that I like talking to people when they are in front of me, the real interaction instead of being behind a screen. What do you think?

          2. This is based on my personal experience, so it’s not a hard-and-fast rule of dating. There are people I care about in my life and I don’t talk to them everyday. However, when I want to tell them something that’s happened to me or I see something that makes me think of them, I let them know! And I expect a response!

            Having preferences about mode of communication or not seeing someone very often are legitimate factors that make a “rule” about communicating impossible. I will say that if the two of you are growing closer, you should be communicating more, not less.
            I knew this guy who made a big deal about liking me and wanting to spend time with me. We served on a mission trip together and had some great conversation and bonding. Then I went home for a week and I didn’t hear from him once. I had a hard time believing his statements when I saw him again about how much he missed me and wanted to spend time with me because he’d made no effort to communicate with me.

            In your case, you don’t have to talk to this girl 7 days a week for a certain number of hours. Just a simple text now and again will let her know you’re thinking of her. This is pretty rambly and I’m not sure if I answered your question, so I’ll stop here!

          3. Thank you for your answer and experience, it helps me quite a bit! God bless.

  3. Maybe I’m just being obtuse (or just being a guy!), but I’m slightly confused by number 2. What sense of the term “talking” is being referred to here? I think I’m missing some context.

    1. The difference is in being polite (always welcome) as against ” chatting up”. When you are attached to someone, you should be mindful of the way you relate to the opposite sex. A keeper never wants to come across as lacking in fidelity.

    2. From my experience, because my church got hit hard with the “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” message, often time no one is asking each other out, but instead we “talk” to each other. We do it under the veil of friendship, but really it’s just a way to date without anyone getting hurt (having a real definable reason for why they end up hurt if things don’t proceed). I have friends who started hanging out (in groups) and talking on the phone to one guy, and they start expecting that this is going somewhere, because why in the world would he be so open and share such personal things with them if he wasn’t interested? And when he didn’t ask them out after a ridiculously long time, they put it out there point blank, and he said no. They felt led on and a little bit crazy, like they had imagined this whole thing.

      Now, imagine you have a deeply personal connection with this person, or at least you think you do. You’re under the impression that all these talks are him pursuing you, and then you find out that not only is this guy having 3 hour conversations regularly with you, but also with 3 other girls. It hurts, but there doesn’t seem to be a way of saying, “He was talking to me as friends, but he also talked to other people! And it made me feel bad.” without sounding like a crazy, clingy stalker.

      So, basically, pursue 1 of us at a time. Don’t try and cast a wide net to see which of us “bites”. Make an individual pursuit.

      Hope that clears things up!

      1. wow, well said. In my experience there are men that look to woman for approval and so though they are not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship, they enjoy the attention from the opposite sex. I would be weary of a man that has a lot of woman friends and not many male friends for sure.

      2. No, it doesn’t clear things up! What if I am simply getting to know more than 1 girl at a time. Is my discovery limited to superficial conversations or does protocol dictate I may only get to know 1 girl at a time? And whose protocol? Is it based on some scriptural principle? It sounds like #2 is saying guys cannot date several women at a time in order to determine who to court, but must only date one at a time, checking them off their list sequentially. Sounds more like a a recipe from a Disney fairy tale than reality.

        Not talking about romantic interest but only romantic potential. The discovery will determine the direction of the friendship. I am asking a serious question, not splitting hairs. This matter is a reality created by ‘online dating’ for people too far apart to simply just meet face-to-face often. In such a scenario, one will realistically be conversing with multiple potential ‘dates’ to determine who is worth meeting in person.

        1. Author

          Good questions coming out of this conversation! In my opinion, I think it’s important to have friendships with MANY people of the opposite sex, but then to only become exclusive with one person at a time (Examples: regular phone calls, text messaging, one-on-one time)….When I think of friendships, I think of getting to know one another within the context of community. But in my opinion, taking it to the next level of exclusivity needs to be one person at a time. Just my two cents 😉

          1. Thanks, Debra!
            Online dating (more accurately “online introductions”) removes the context of community until you actually get to meet. So until you actually meet and decide that you want to pursue the relationship to the next level of exclusivity, it should be acceptable to ‘talk’ to several potential dates at the same time. But I agree, once the relationship is being pursued by both with mutual romantic interest, it is no different from courtship, with marriage in view, and needs to become exclusive at that point.

          2. Debra,

            I need to ask for a little more clarification here. You say that you think a person should only have an EXCLUSIVE relationship with one person at a time (after all, that’s what exclusive means!). However, would it be considered acceptable for me to CASUALLY DATE multiple Christian women at the same time PROVIDED I HAVE BEEN COMPLETELY HONEST ABOUT WANTING TO REMAIN CASUAL AND NON-EXCLUSIVE? I’ve heard that back in the fifties this was normal. Allegedly, everyone would casually date around unless a guy and girl decided to “go steady” (enter an exclusive relationship).

            My personal application for this question is that I’ve just begun the process of getting involved on ChristianMingle after years of recovering from courtship indoctrination. One counselor has suggested that it could be good for me to take a season of casually dating multiple people. This is because I spent years writing off anyone who didn’t fit into my little mold of the sort of person I wanted to marry. The counselor thinks I need to open myself to a variety of people and experiences. I like this idea, but I have yet to discover how Christian women feel about this. Could you give me your take on this question?

            Thanks a million! Love the website!

      3. ‘Is this a fellowship group outing or speed dating?’ was most of my church life 🙂

    3. How I understand the 2nd as a woman is that if you (a guy) are interested in a girl, and you’re in “speaking terms” with her – meaning that you’re talking with her b e c a u s e you’re interested – don’t do the same with other girls. I mean, of course you’re allowed to speak to whomever you wish – this is not about denying you to talk to women! – but in THAT sense. It is very possible to be interested in many at the same time, there’s nothing wrong with that, but for heaven’s sake don’t f l i r t with all of them; “One at a time, bachelor, one at a time”.

      To summarize this: if you’re engaging in “I’m-interested-in-you” conversations with a certain girl, leave it to that one. If she won’t warm up, you can move on.

    4. Slightly Confused, I am assuming this is the stage of intentionality right before you are officially a couple or deciding if you want to be a couple. If you’re going out of your way to get to know someone, please make sure it’s only one person at a time and don’t “keep your options open.”

    5. A girl wants to know the guy she likes isn’t hitting up any one else. One at a time

  4. Please be man enough to say goodbye. If you’ve been talking to a girl regularly then decide to discontinue the relationship, please say goodbye. Don’t just leave her wondering for the next few months if she’ll ever hear from you again. It would be so much kinder to tell her it’s over than to leave her dangling.

  5. Great info. #4 I need to work on, I am shy and quiet type. Good article thank you Debra.

  6. Agreed! A man who loves God & serves because He loves God is attractive! I would maybe add these two…

    Gentlemen- ask us questions about us (women)! If you’re interested, please show genuine interest in who we are. It’s not fun to be the girl who feels like she has to carry the conversation by asking all the questions (and then never get asked the same questions in return). Learn about us. It’s impressive to know you’ve taken the time to remember details about us/our lives.

    Also, please don’t wait for a woman to come along & “fix” you or help you work on the areas you want to work on (financially, physically, spiritually, in cleanliness, in motivation). Be a good steward of becoming the man you want to be and the man God wants you to be. (That goes for us women too).

    1. Yes! Tamara, I agree completely. Conversation, the effort to get to know a women , shows interest and makes us feel cared about in a sense. Carrying the conversation one-sidedly can end up feeling like an interrogation if all the other person does is answer yes or no, but claims to be genuinely interest.
      However I’m always appreciative when a man, in learning about a woman, is aware when they are treading on rather personal waters and don’t insist on being told every single detail of everything.
      A good male friend of mind actually set that example for me when I first got to know him. If I speculated about something he felt was unnecessary for me to know as an acquaintance he would simply say “I don’t feel comfortable sharing that with you right now” and I’d understand completely.
      As a gal, I’ve learned we also have to remember to not spill out our life stories when a male shows interest in us and tries to get to know us. Save the deep stuff for later! It’s the little things, likes /dislikes, favorites, quirky collections, basic family life… It’s so easy to forget when you want to grow close to someone, but so important in guarding your heart!

  7. I’ve always found a man who is respectful of everyone attractive. I like a man who who has no problem associating with people who may not be perceived as “cool” or just with people in his age group. A guy who has friends considerably older and considerably younger than himself is a preference of mine.

  8. I wanna scream #2 from the rooftops. lol. I’ve been told that I’m expecting to much by excepting that if a guy is telling me he’s interested in me, to assume that he’s only talking to me. That leads into #9.

    And #7 is a definite yes!!! =)

  9. These did land on great points! And Tamara (comment above) I really agree – ask us questions. You might be flustered or nervous… but being interested in us means interest in our lives and how we are doing. It makes us feel special and truly admired. Like you’d treat any close friend!
    Also – we do love conversation. Make sure there’s always time to talk, catch up – not all activities.
    Keep seeking God guys! And letting us know there’s good men out there 🙂

  10. I think #2 is the popular one here! I also want to scream #2!!!!!! ha-ha

    I don’t know what’s going on in today’s society where men feel that they need to get emotionally involved with more than one woman at a time. Is it a game? Sometimes I feel like its a game of catch and release. They want to see how many women they can attract (male ego maybe?) and then won’t even be man enough to tell them “I’m not interested”. (#9) They will ignore them and treat them poorly until they “get the point.” It’s so sad. I admire a man that would at least have the decency and integrity to tell us when their feelings have changed. We would respect you more for that. At least I would.

    Oh #6… lol Yes. Please take care of yourselves. You don’t have to be a GQ model. There’s nothing like a great personality followed by a clean shave, pressed clothing, a good shower followed by a manly cologne. Occasional flossing… Hey, Forever is a long time! 😉

  11. If you ask us out and we nicely tell you we are not interested, please believe us and leave us alone. I lead worship at a smaller church. A man that began attending 6 months or so ago let me know he was interested. I told him that I am not interested in him – he is 20 years older than me, divorced, 5 kids that are not much younger than I am. He said he understood. But he still keeps messaging, texting and asking me to attend church outings with him, or trying to invite himself to go with me and my friends. And always adds “just pray about it” to these messages. I’ve tried to be nice and honest, but after 3 months, staying nice is getting difficult.

    1. Dawn,

      Have you tried letting your pastor or your pastor’s wife know? They may be able to help you! It wouldn’t be gossip, especially if it’s making you uncomfortable. Sometimes being too nice can muffle your “no’s”. Hope this helps!

    2. So he’s not in your preferred age range and he has kids. Perhaps you need to be less picky and choosey. However this does not mean he has a right to disrespect your non-interest. Are you firm enough in saying no? Have you blocked him from messaging and texting you? If that doesn’t work then you should report him to the authorities.

    3. Yeah Dawn you might want to talk to your pastor or elders about this. That can be so uncomfortable 🙁

  12. Hey, I’ve been reading your book (Currently on chapter 5), and it’s painful how true much of this is. I’ve been single (against my will) for the past 7 years, and at this point, it’s been very difficult to come to terms with places that I need to grow. For the past few years, learning about my weaknesses and my faults, and my lack of change, has brought me to the realization that there is a good reason that I’m in the yellow column (or someone’s red column). My hope and prayer is that the Lord in His mercy isn’t done with me yet, and that He will give me some peace with where He has me, even though it is extremely difficult to be content with singleness. (Especially when I’m at the age where all of my friends are married, or coupled up).

    1. Author

      It’s awesome to hear what God is doing in your life right now, Justin! And I agree…it’s not easy, and often very difficult. I’m so proud of you for having so much insight, and moving to become the man God created you to be….He’s not finished with you, nor any of us, yet…and that’s such an amazing truth. Blessings to you in this process….God has great things in store for you, my friend.

  13. Here’s some other tips: Though its important to put your best foot forward, don’t put on a mask. Believe us, we see right through it. Here’s something I heard one time about talking to people: Ask the person you are talking to three questions BEFORE talking about yourself. It really shows that you care about them. You can easily ask them a question and then use a follow-up question.

  14. Good stuff here…some of this I’ve intuited over the years, but #5 is still a difficult truth for me since I’ve had to hear that all too often. I’ve been going to a new church for a few months (my old one closed down); one of the girls that works on staff there has got me curious. I didn’t notice her right away when I first started going, she just sort of snuck up on me. Anyway, she’s either executing her church duties or engaged in other conversations, and I feel it would be rude to interrupt either one.

    Fortunately, I did see her outside of church recently. She was with a couple of friends but was only listening at that moment, so I went and said hello before I could think myself out of it. The conversation lasted about a minute and went fairly well (I made a point of excusing myself promptly, as to not be overly intrusive on the time with her friends). She was very pleasant and friendly towards me, but she’s that way to everyone so it wasn’t really a surprise. I wasn’t nervous at all and kept things light.

    After the event we were there for was over, I walked by as she was talking with some different people and did not choose to engage her any further. She didn’t make any attempt to do so with me either. But I considered the evening a victory overall for overcoming my shyness, at least for that moment. So, I’m really not sure at this point what the next step is. Should I give her the chance to approach me for the next conversation, or should all the encounters be initiated by me in the process of pursuit? It’s that fine line between coming on too strong and too weak that I’m trying to master here, it seems.

    I’m not worried about her knowing or assuming interest on my part, since I understand that most girls can discern that in a fella right from the start…I don’t feel the need to hide it anyway. It’s just that the rules seem to change all the time, or maybe it’s that different girls have different rules and it’s hard to know which set you’re expected to observe in any given situation. How many conversations before the coffee invite? Friends first? Better to identify as “curious” or “interested”? Along with far too many other questions to list. For now, I’m just trying to become the best version of myself and staying focused on my purpose and mission.

    1. Hey I appreciate you sharing your story and being sensitive to the girl you’ve noticed and what she would appreciate. It sounds like you are on the right track, and you’re asking good questions, but it may not be enough for her to know you’re interested yet. I might be the dense kind of girl (having not dated much), but I really don’t “discern it in a fella right from the start” as far as whether he’s interested or not. So If I was the girl in the situation you described, I would probably wonder if you might be interested but hope for a few more conversations to confirm that you’re not just being casually friendly. (Yeah, she could start a conversation too, or she may be waiting for you to make another effort–that really depends on the type of girl she is.) It might be too soon for the coffee invite (maybe), but you can’t go wrong with starting another casual conversation with her. It sounds like at this point it wouldn’t be too strong and she might start noticing that you’re making the effort to talk to her repeatedly. And that would give you more chances to assess her interest level too.

      There’s my two cents; others (with maybe more dating expertise) are welcome to add to it.

  15. How does a guy know if a woman just desires to be friends? Most of the time, women seem to be vague that they want to keep things in the “friend zone.”

    1. Hi Scott…

      This is just MY opinion as I can’t speak for all women. If I just want to be friends, I try to only be friendly in a way that will not send mix messages…..THAT is a NO NO for both men and women. I usually just say hi, how are you and depending where we are (work, church, etc.) I may ask how things are going and then just say have a great day.

      If I have an interest in a guy, then I will spend more time talking to get to know him. I may go out of my way (sometimes not all the time) to approach him and ask how he is. NOW….if it’s not reciprocated….I move on.

  16. Mista B, this is just my humble opinion but I’m thinking that from the girl’s perspective, especially given her role in the church as well, one 1 minute conversation might not be enough for her to do anything that might be considered as ‘making a move.’ I understand that it’s not easy for some guys to approach a girl but I’m guessing that in her role in the church, she talks to guys all the time and thinking that every guy she talks to might be interested would be really exhausting. Be brave, soldier. I pray God’s wisdom and boldness over you in every area you need them.

    Scott M, I would say, ask. And if you add some humor to it, it might make it easier to get an honest answer- especially if it’s a no, and soften the blow of it as well, without making it awkward. If a guy came up to me and for example said, ‘I have a conundrum, help me out here. I could be a really good guy you date or a really good guy who is just your buddy, what do you think?’ All this with smiles and stuff, for me, that’s a good situation right there. Lol.

    Debra, I just want to say you rock. Thank you for using your gift, and being such a good steward if it. This list is right on, especially number 7. A man has gots to love His Jesus. It’s the first thing I look for 😉

    1. Author

      I’m so happy to hear it, Evelyn!! Glad you enjoyed this article!! Thanks for your insight and your comment.

    2. Thanks Evelyn and Christine for the kind words…the perspective you each brought has given me a better picture going forward, if I do go forward. I just got back from service earlier tonight. I saw her in the lobby afterward, she had just concluded a conversation and seemed available for another approach. As I tried to move in that direction, I had a row of people blocking my path. By the time I excused my way through, she suddenly went into motion, walking by in front of me without looking at me.

      I think she was headed to another area of the church, I’m not sure; but she stopped to talk to another woman that was on whatever route she was taking. At that point I just left. I might have been ok with waiting for a second opportunity, but somehow I felt that would just look pathetic. I’m having a hard time deciding if she was just on mission…or deliberately avoiding me. I asked the Lord to relieve me of this curiosity if it’s the latter, to let me know now and not allow me to invest my effort or emotions any further, to grant me the necessary peace to walk away gracefully. I suppose it’s also possible she believes she has the gift of singleness, or has been single for years like me and constructed high, thick walls. I can’t afford to live in any kind of delusion over this; because the older I get, the harder it becomes to fight back the discouragement of yet another closed door.

      I have a good single life. My business is doing well (although the economy has made me take a hit the past couple of years…I’m working my way back up slowly and God is providing), my house and car are paid for (seven years of house poverty, but worth it, and so sweet taking it out of the bank’s hands and putting it solely into my own), I have a modest but strong circle of friends, and the benefit of a close-knit family steeped in generations of solid Christ-following. That said, I resonated strongly with Debra’s article, “You Don’t Have to Like Being Single”! Count me as being among those looking for the gift receipt so I can take it back.

      Don’t worry Debra, I won’t be littering your comments section with a continual barrage of updates! :p I just wanted to thank those who took the time to reach out, and figured I would include the bonus info along with it. I have told no one in my real life about this, as I don’t want them to watch me fail once again, if that’s where this is headed. The secret just got to be too much and I had to process things somehow, somewhere…so thanks for listening, Christian internet strangers! :p
      I bought the book when it was on sale and am working through it now. I’m learning, and looking forward to learning more.

  17. (A) I don’t care what reason you could possibly think up. Never, ever, ever, NEVER stand a girl up.

    (B) When you’re done with a girl, have the decency to say goodbye, instead of standing her up, telling her you’re ER-level ill, and then going radio silent for a week while posting on Facebook about awesome all-night dance parties. *not bitter about personal experiences at all*

  18. Thx for the feedback Evelyn. It’s helpful info. Anyone else want to weigh in? Comments and/or suggestions are welcome!

  19. Thank you so much for the advice but i think what you have raised works for two parties both the guy and the lady to have the same things in common.

  20. what i dont understand is that,should the guy alone be brave or it has to be both(what i mean is shouldnt the lady be brave at one point also?)

    1. Alvin, Yes we as girls should also be brave however in this sense the guy should be brave to speak out his intents and not leave the girl in space or thinking …….

  21. To the person who said “I would be weary of a man that has a lot of woman friends and not many male friends” This, in my experience, is actually quite common. Men do not relate to men in the same way that women relate to women. Most men only have one and in many cases no close friends. Its unfortunate, but very true. So, please don’t pass us by because men do not have a lot of man friends. That fact doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with us.

    1. @ Erich: +1 on what you said; plus some guys have had very few opportunities to interact with women (esp. during the teen years)…not an excuse; just saying. Only makes it harder (all-boys’ high schools don’t help in that regard).

      @ Debra: Thanks for breaching the topic for discussion on this (and many more via your website)–there are plenty of God-instilled differences between men and women that need to be mutually understood and appreciated. Communication is key!

  22. Another +1 for Erich. I can’t speak for all guys here, but for me personally, I look for common interests, similar temperaments, and the possibility of more depth than “hi and bye” in friends – sometimes that leads me to male friends, sometimes it leads me to female friends.
    Believe me, it’s not about “the attention.” Better to ask questions than to assume based on appearances.

  23. Though I liked the majority of these…number 7 would certainly be top of my list! This does not mean he has to be a Bible-thumping, at church every time the doors are open, go to every Bible study, hand raising, hallelujah guy {not that those are necessarily bad, though I get the point of thumping your Bible, but I regress}, I really just want the guy to know Him, surrender to Him and strive to obey Him.

    And I’ll echo #4…if you are interested, state it, act on it, write it on your forehead, text it, hire an airplane writer, but don’t make us guess. Chances are we are interested in you and just waiting to be sure before we really show you.

  24. I’m a 42 yr. old divorced Christian man. Not quite ready to re enter dating world yet, mostly trying to understand what went wrong with my first marriage (and fixing my problems). I unequivocally believe #2 is wrong. A man should never be in a committed relationship with 1 woman unless he is either engaged or married. To explain my position fully would use a lot of space, most people wouldn’t read anyway. The short version is that “serial monogamy” only benefits a select few (the most attractive women in her prime years of 22-25). Men, ask a single woman from your church out on a simple, friendly date, a different one each week. Be really upfront that you want to make friends, have fun, learn, etc., and DONT try and develop into a relationship. Not only will your confidence go up, but women will be more attracted to you because you are not making HER the center of your life.

    1. Author

      I always say that friendship is always the best place to start, Andy. And of course it’s great to be friends with many different people to be exposed to different personalities and characteristics. I don’t think that’s what you mean, though.

      We can agree to disagree!

  25. And men while it may be tempting, as Tamara suggests, to tell more about yourself, etc., this is a huge mistake for a man to do. Find your mission in life, and focus on it (Him). As an interesting man, she will want to find out more about you. Make her work for it, be a mystery. Tell her only the minimal she needs to know until she proves herself worthy of you.

  26. Love this article And these comments have helped too!
    I struggle with #4 SO MUCH.
    Just tell us your intentions please so at least then we can move on instead of wondering every time we’re out together.
    I’m friends with this man who is so perfect for me we have so much in common. We are getting closer every day text messages, calls but most importantly seeing each other. He has opened up to me and told me all his problems etc and I’m the only person he has ever opened up to. The centre of our friendship is Christ as we both lead each other into His footsteps. Only thing he hasn’t done is told me his intentions!!! I just want to know already, our whole community already suspect that we are a couple And I’m trying to be patient but if he just told me I’d continue to strengthen our friendship knowing he is just a friend and losing hope of any potential relationship!

  27. How long do you think it is okay to be friends with a woman before asking her out to a small no pressure date like coffee etc?

    1. Author

      In True Love Dates, “The seasons of a Relationship” chapter, I recommend 3 months!

  28. It’s one thing to settle in on a gal once you know more about here, and another thing entirely to do so from the get go–aka, chemistry is not interest, and shouldn’t be treated as such.

    That said, clearly communicating that you’re dating multiple people until you figure out who you should pursue–and only UNTIL you figure that out–is a step most guys tend to forget for some reason. Communication is important–just as important as not settling in on a guy or gal right away when first getting to know each other, or placing too much emphasis on the first 3-5 dates (depending on how close they are to each other, and how often you’re talking). One gal or guy should be your goal–intimacy and trust can’t be built without that coming into existance–but the “date one at a time” thing before knowing who it is you should be dating… well, that leads to heartbreak, and waiting too long to back out, because it’s much harder to reality check the fact you aren’t meant to drive yourself to the brink to be with just anyone.

    1. It is absolutely ok for a guy to meet several girls at the same time, and you should expect it (especially in online dating). But I have had occaisions when a man sent me a poem as first interaction. Or somebody kissed me on the first date, which made me completely awkward on the following dates, and later he said to me, that I had been too insecure and not challenging him during our conversations. He did not take the time to get to know me, and did not grasp, that I was intimidated by what seemed to me a clear premature statement of interest. That hurts. Both hurt me for several months, because my expectations were raised extremely high due to this “romantic” behaviour, but there was no commitment at all behind that. I would have loved to get to know both these guys in a friendship setting, both were really fine and spiritual men. But given the circumstances of our respective first encounters I found it almost impossible to accept that these men were dating other women as well. So please, when you meet several women in order to find out whom to pursue – don’t take it to a romantic level. Stick with friendship, stick with conversation, playfulness, serving the other person, finding out attitudes…

  29. But then where is the line between friends and dating?

    I don’t necessarily want to be with a girl all the time if I’m not dating her, even if I am super interested. If I am friends with her I will treat her as I treat all my friends who are girls, so I’m not with her all. The. Time.

    Where is that line?

  30. Love it, That’s my hesitation, most men haves this mediocate mindset, to get a woman, and then it’s over after a couple of weeks. I want a real love that will last, and yes, he better do he’s part to work on him as me on myself. The heart is the most important part, because, i’ve been hurt and let down through friends and family sometimes, my trust has been shaking.

    So thank you for this, debra. Please keep me in prayer and god bless!

  31. Some super great insight here! Thanks so much Debra for posting and to all y’all for sharing your thoughts! 🙂

    Here’s a Q I just want to throw out there… How can a guy best initiate towards a girl or show interest without coming off as creepy haha? If I’m honest, the fear of coming off as creepy makes me slow to pursue girls in addition to being more of a awkward/shy guy. Thinking that I need to know them casually for a long time before ever expressing interest. Any thoughts?

    1. Hi Jesse, I think it is close to impossible to put her to rout because of “creepiness”. The only thing that could irreversibly intimidate me would be wanting too much too early. For me that would be: Love letters or poems, a remark that you find her sexy, flowers on the first date, talking about how you envision marriage, talking about children, asking her friends about her (if they are not your friends as well), raising attention in public, hugging, kissing, holding hands.
      You cannot make any mistakes, if you love her, according to the degree of acquaintance. Many people are – paradoxically – not loving in approaching the girl or guy they are interested in. Your focus has to be her, how can you serve her, what can you give her. Everything you do is just an offer. An invitation for a coffee or tea will not come across as creepy. If she declines, she will have reasons. If she gives reasons that sound valid, you might try again later. If she gives no reasons, you have an answer. You don’t have to know her for a long time. Not at all. If you don’t meet her in your environment, don’t hesitate to invite her.

    2. Really, as long as you are confident and comfortable and not saying inappropriate things (relationship talk too early, tmi stuff) then you will be fine.

      And in reply to your other comment, noticing signals is something that’s not easy but can be learned (as well as knowing what’s *not a signal*).

  32. Hey Debra, In Light Of # 6 I’m Really Not A Supermodel But I Am A Very Good Role Model & Yes Personal Hygiene Is very Important I Practice Great Hygiene Everyday Includes Being Shaved As Well

  33. Hey, Jesse,

    To me, showing interest can be as simple as asking them on a date! I hate the words “hang out”, because then you just wonder if you’re hanging out as friends or if it’s a date. But honestly, as a girl, I spend half the time wishing I could crawl into the guy’s head and try to figure out what he’s thinking about “us”. I really think honesty is the best policy, and it doesn’t have to be creepy!

  34. Hi Jesse,
    I’m thinking of how I would want the guy who has caught my attention at church to show interest in me..
    -direct eye contact, catch her eye hold it and smile big, a big genuine smile. Gauge her reaction does she gaze and smile back?
    -nearness, if everyone is talking in groups like after church mingle over to her. Is she glancing at you when you glance at her?
    -speak to her, ask questions that Christians friends would ask like is she doing a Bible study and what is she studying? What has she learned? What Christian artists does she listen to? (Keep that in mind if y’all start dating..concert ideas 😉
    – it makes a person feel sought out, special, set apart from others when someone shows interest like that.
    None of this is creepy or threatening.

  35. Hi Jesse, I replied not directly to u like this but under your comment, sorry!

  36. Awesome, that’s really helpful! Thanks for the great insight Jennifer, Krista and Laura! Great to hear a girl’s perspective on this. I’m a guy that can be slow to read and give those subtle signs of showing interest… or maybe that’s just how most guys are haha?? It’s not because I’m not interested but just slow or unsure about how to best express myself and respect a girl. What you all shared is way helpful though and helps me better understand how to best start things off 😉

  37. Wow, I didn’t realize that my question and the answers were from 2015! Time flies! But, thank you to all who responded with insights. Btw, regarding the woman I was interested in, I asked her out, as I recall, 3 times. Each time I asked, however, something came up with her and we never got together. Finally, I shared these things with a trusted person in my life and the suggestion was to move on. She stated that something is preventing this woman from meeting with me one on one, while she seems more responsive to group things (I.e. she made other plans bc I said I had tentative plans or she got sick). Anyways, once I realized that there are many other women out there, I didn’t feel so rejected and I was able to move on. Thx be to God for His awesome ways!

  38. “And I’ll echo #4…if you are interested, state it, act on it, write it on your forehead, text it, hire an airplane writer, but don’t make us guess. Chances are we are interested in you and just waiting to be sure before we really show you.”

    I know I’m digging up an old post here, but I just found this article today… Thanks for this comment. There’s a young lady at church who I’ve been talking to and am interested in. She’s been sending some possible signals that I’ve thought might be signs of returning interest, but I’m not sure. (Is she signaling interest? Is she interested, but unsure how to read me so she’s holding back? Is she just being friendly? Is this some sort of in between “pre-interest”?) So it sounds like I’m probably at least in the “interest” ballpark.

    As for the article, #4 has been a big struggle for me. I’d be interested in a girl, but due to my shyness, often couldn’t seem to bring myself to make the move, and would let her get away. I see where it’s been a repeated pattern for me. But I’ve realized that probably nothing will change in this area of my life unless I can break out of that pattern, man up, and make the move. Obviously only God knows how things will turn out with my current interest, but this time, I’m determined to not to let her get away simply by being too scared to take the shot. Pray for me, y’all. 🙂

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