My last article 10 Guys You Should Never Date, blew up my website last night. And while it resonated with most people, it also ruffled the feathers of a few of the guys out there.
So in all fairness, let me be clear in saying that healthy relationships aren’t just about avoiding the wrong kind of guy, or in finding the right kind of guy.
Healthy relationships are a two-way street. Two people, each becoming the best they can be for themselves, and for one another. From my perspective as a relationship therapist, you are the only one responsible for the kind of person you date.
So for all the men out there, here are 10 girls you should NEVER date (unless you’re looking for a relational train-wreck):
Ms. Barbie Girl
You know exactly who I’m talking about, don’t you? This is the girl that’s “too-perfect-to-be-real”, and that’s because she probably isn’t. If you don’t recognize her by her “augmentations” you might recognize her by the fact it takes her 3 hours to get ready, the ridiculous amount of time she spends looking in the mirror, the 5 inches of make-up on her face (and maybe even body…), or the way that she has to look “just perfect” in order to go anywhere or do anything, including a trip to the gym, or a run to the grocery store. I’m all for a woman looking presentable, and I am a fan of my makeup, but let’s remember that true beauty never starts on the outside, it always runs so much deeper. Be on the lookout for THAT kind of unfading beauty.
This one right here will win you over with her seductive glances and her flattering words. But the problem you’ll start noticing is that her flirting isn’t contained to just you. The glances she gives your waiter, the way talks to your roommate, or the way she giggles flirtatiously at your best friends jokes. It’s one thing to be flirtatious as an avenue of affection within a relationship, it’s a whole other thing when you’re marked by your flirtatious way. Recognize this one quickly, because what you see here is what you’ll get.
Ms. I’m Sexy and I Know It
It’s great to have self-confidence as a woman, but that’s not what I’m talking about here. In fact, this woman often feels so insecure about herself, that she uses her body to gain affirmation from men. In other words, she flaunts her stuff to anyone who’s willing to look. While her seduction might draw you like a magnet, you’ll quickly realize that it’s also drawing everyone else, too. And one thing I’ve learned from my husband about men, is that one of the most attractive things about a relationship with a woman is the exclusivity of that woman being “only his”. So find a woman that shows she’s “all yours” by respecting her body and reserving it for the proper time.
Ms. Nothin’ In There But Air
One of the most beautiful things about the early stages of relationship is the mystery involved. Little by little you get to know one layer at a time, revealing heart, mind, soul and spirit. But as you peel back the layers of this particular woman, you’ll realize that…there isn’t too much there! This is the kind of woman who hasn’t really taken the time to know herself, know her beliefs, or know what she feels or thinks. She’ll likely default to your preferences, your beliefs, your relationship with God, and even your interests. While this may seem to make life easy at first, the lack of mystery and depth will wear you down, because a healthy relationship involves two unique identities- not just one trying to mimic the other.
She loves your car, she loves your career, and she loves your cash. But does she really like you? You’ll recognize this one quickly, because she’ll take all she can get from you, and give very little back in return. She’s looking for security more than she’s looking for a significant relationship. Say bye-bye before your cash runs out.
Ms. Overly Critical
I think this is the worst of all the women you could date. According to proverbs, a woman like this is like the sound of a leak dripping: constant, annoying, and problematic!! And just like a leak, this woman will DRAIN you, and leave you questioning your value, your significance, and your worth. You’ll never feel appreciated under the constant cloud of criticism. First, see the good in yourself, and then find a woman who can do the same.
This one will micromanage your entire life. She’ll have an opinion about how you should spend your money, chew your food, iron your clothes, and maybe even how you should change your personality. The thing about this woman is that she’s a control-freak. And one thing I know about control freaks is that deep down, they feel like they have no control in some area of their life, and so they take it out on their relationships. This habit is not one you can “out learn”, in fact, it takes a lot of time, introspection, and work. So step away from this relationship, and give her the time she needs to heal, to learn, and to grow.
A woman like this will take your heart on quite a ride, because she doesn’t really know what she wants. One moment she’s into you, and the other moment she’s confused and wants to take a step back. This internal struggle is not going to be resolved anytime soon, so do yourself a favor and find someone who’s just as into you as you are into them. Healthy relationships are marked by peace, not by constant doubt and regret.
This princess thinks that somehow, relationships are all-about-her. She may even wrongly believe this is a “biblical” approach to relationships. In other words- she expects you to do all the work, and to put in all the effort while she sits back and reaps the rewards. The sad part is that sometimes this mentality is wrongly perpetuated in some church circles, as the men are expected to be the “leaders” while the women are the “followers”. That might work for some guys, but for others, this lack of reciprocity in a relationship eventually becomes draining. You need a woman who will pour into you, as much as you pour into her. Who will sharpen you, as you sharpen her. Who will challenge you to become better, while you do the same for her. The best relationships are made of two people- each giving their best to one another.
Drama with her momma, drama with her best friend, drama with her boss at work. This gal is characterized by drama everywhere she goes, and she tells you all about it. But the drama isn’t necessarily the dangerous part in this kind of woman, it’s the underlying belief that it’s always everyone else’s fault. This woman is to be avoided because she doesn’t understand the meaning of taking ownership and responsibility of her life and relationships. And trust me, that blame-game will quickly become a part of your relationship, too.
With that in mind, let’s all be mindful of the reality that relationships aren’t about finding perfection– we all know that doesn’t exist. But they are about finding imperfect people, who realize their flaws and weaknesses, and are working to become better and better with each and every passing day.
Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, national speaker, relationship expert, and author of True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life, where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. Her newest relationship book is set to be released in the Summer of 2018! You may also recognize her voice from her 200+ articles at Relevant Magazine, Crosswalk.com, and all over the web! She’s the creator of this True Love Dates Blog, reaching over 4 million people with the message that healthy people make healthy relationships! Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter or book a session with her today!
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